Friends and Family is where I belong
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Friends and Family is where I belong
I am reposting this from the newcomer forum because it seems I should be in the Friends and Family.
I returned from dropping my son off to rehab for the fourth time this week and decided I need an outlet for the feelings I am experiencing.
I am hoping this site will help me express all the feelings I have and perhaps my story could help someone else.
I used to think I knew what an alcoholic was, what they looked like, how they behaved. I grew up with a family full of alcoholics, all fairly well functioning. We knew alcohol was a problem for them that led to many other health issues and death for several, but they were older and had lived full lives (or at least it seemed that way).
My son is not a functioning alcoholic and the horrors involved with that statement are too much to bear at times. He is also not old by any means of the word. He just turned 22 and has his whole life ahead of him.
28 days-He always stays all 28 days and does everything he should.
For now, I have 28 days.
28 days of a little peace.
28 days with a little less worry.
28 days filled with hope, that this is the time.
28 days that go by so quickly.
Day 1-always the hardest. Dropping your child off and leaving them behind. He never fights going, is never angry, but the sadness of the day is heartbreaking.
I no longer have the uncertainty of what the first day holds. We are experts on the first day. We know how much laundry detergent it takes for a 28 day stay, that's something I didn't even think about the first time.
The Good News-
He is alive
He is getting help
He believes in AA
That's it for now. Thanks for listening.
I returned from dropping my son off to rehab for the fourth time this week and decided I need an outlet for the feelings I am experiencing.
I am hoping this site will help me express all the feelings I have and perhaps my story could help someone else.
I used to think I knew what an alcoholic was, what they looked like, how they behaved. I grew up with a family full of alcoholics, all fairly well functioning. We knew alcohol was a problem for them that led to many other health issues and death for several, but they were older and had lived full lives (or at least it seemed that way).
My son is not a functioning alcoholic and the horrors involved with that statement are too much to bear at times. He is also not old by any means of the word. He just turned 22 and has his whole life ahead of him.
28 days-He always stays all 28 days and does everything he should.
For now, I have 28 days.
28 days of a little peace.
28 days with a little less worry.
28 days filled with hope, that this is the time.
28 days that go by so quickly.
Day 1-always the hardest. Dropping your child off and leaving them behind. He never fights going, is never angry, but the sadness of the day is heartbreaking.
I no longer have the uncertainty of what the first day holds. We are experts on the first day. We know how much laundry detergent it takes for a 28 day stay, that's something I didn't even think about the first time.
The Good News-
He is alive
He is getting help
He believes in AA
That's it for now. Thanks for listening.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
The days inbetween
So now we live day by day, always checking to see if he has called or text. Needing to know he is ok for today.
He is wanting to leave early this time, says that he doesn't need another 28 days in treatment because AA is where the real work happens. His counselor has agreed to dismiss him on Sept. 9th, only 2 weeks this time. Then what?
Prior to this relapse, he was sober for 2.5 years. A great accomplishment, and we are so proud of him for that achievement.
He says he started drinking when he was 15. Alcohol at a friends house, grandparents house, my house and anywhere he could find alcohol. He hid it very well from everyone. When he couldn't get alcohol, he drank mouthwash.
Five years ago, I found chewing tobacco in his jacket which prompted a bedroom search only to find a few bottles of mouthwash. This was strange enough to ask more questions, then he told the whole truth. He needed help, he had empty bottles stashed in the drop ceiling, so many bottles. I took trash bag after trash bag to the dumpster that night. How did I not know.............
We tried outpatient rehab, he went back to drinking. I told him he couldn't stay living with me if he was drinking. He left.
He sobered up and wanted to come back home, out of money and no where else to go. This is the only time he asks for help, when he has depleted every possible resource to get more alcohol. I found him passed out on the basement floor with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. I called poison control and held his head as he vomited for the entire night. This time we did inpatient treatment. 28 days and then to a halfway house.
He lived a few hours from us in the halfway house. We visited every month or so and he seemed to be doing fine. In hindsight he started acting differently, but you talk yourself out of things easily because you want to believe they are ok. He called a lot, always too busy to see us, working a lot. Then the call came in that he needed help. We found him almost dead, living at a girls place. Yellow, frail, drunk.
He was 19 years old with acute liver failure. He recovered, thank God. That was 2.5 years ago. How do I let him go back home several hours away? I feel like I need to look at him at least every couple days, smell his breath, and talk to him face to face.
I never believe I will stop him from taking the drink, I think I can catch it before its a week or a month into the drinking. If I don't catch it, he won't stop and I will be burying him.
I want him to live at home not hours away. His AA network is there so he wants to go back to that environment. I understand that, but how can I let him go?
He is wanting to leave early this time, says that he doesn't need another 28 days in treatment because AA is where the real work happens. His counselor has agreed to dismiss him on Sept. 9th, only 2 weeks this time. Then what?
Prior to this relapse, he was sober for 2.5 years. A great accomplishment, and we are so proud of him for that achievement.
He says he started drinking when he was 15. Alcohol at a friends house, grandparents house, my house and anywhere he could find alcohol. He hid it very well from everyone. When he couldn't get alcohol, he drank mouthwash.
Five years ago, I found chewing tobacco in his jacket which prompted a bedroom search only to find a few bottles of mouthwash. This was strange enough to ask more questions, then he told the whole truth. He needed help, he had empty bottles stashed in the drop ceiling, so many bottles. I took trash bag after trash bag to the dumpster that night. How did I not know.............
We tried outpatient rehab, he went back to drinking. I told him he couldn't stay living with me if he was drinking. He left.
He sobered up and wanted to come back home, out of money and no where else to go. This is the only time he asks for help, when he has depleted every possible resource to get more alcohol. I found him passed out on the basement floor with a bottle of rubbing alcohol. I called poison control and held his head as he vomited for the entire night. This time we did inpatient treatment. 28 days and then to a halfway house.
He lived a few hours from us in the halfway house. We visited every month or so and he seemed to be doing fine. In hindsight he started acting differently, but you talk yourself out of things easily because you want to believe they are ok. He called a lot, always too busy to see us, working a lot. Then the call came in that he needed help. We found him almost dead, living at a girls place. Yellow, frail, drunk.
He was 19 years old with acute liver failure. He recovered, thank God. That was 2.5 years ago. How do I let him go back home several hours away? I feel like I need to look at him at least every couple days, smell his breath, and talk to him face to face.
I never believe I will stop him from taking the drink, I think I can catch it before its a week or a month into the drinking. If I don't catch it, he won't stop and I will be burying him.
I want him to live at home not hours away. His AA network is there so he wants to go back to that environment. I understand that, but how can I let him go?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry. I went through the liver failure thing with a late-40s husband, and I can't imagine going through it with a 22-year-old son.
The good part is that he DOES know what works--I'm not sure another 28 days would be any better for him than a couple of weeks, just to be sure he's stable. My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he was an INCREDIBLY self-destructive drunk. He's now been sober for 36 years in AA (and I'm sober 8 years, also in AA, myself).
I think being close to his AA network is important. Maybe you can Skype with him or something, to reassure yourself that he's OK?
Are you going to Al-Anon? I really, really recommend it. I had several good friends when I was active in Al-Anon (which saved my sanity when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it) who had adult kids that were alcoholics/addicts, and it was just as good for them as it was for me.
Hugs,
The good part is that he DOES know what works--I'm not sure another 28 days would be any better for him than a couple of weeks, just to be sure he's stable. My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he was an INCREDIBLY self-destructive drunk. He's now been sober for 36 years in AA (and I'm sober 8 years, also in AA, myself).
I think being close to his AA network is important. Maybe you can Skype with him or something, to reassure yourself that he's OK?
Are you going to Al-Anon? I really, really recommend it. I had several good friends when I was active in Al-Anon (which saved my sanity when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it) who had adult kids that were alcoholics/addicts, and it was just as good for them as it was for me.
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I'm so sorry. I went through the liver failure thing with a late-40s husband, and I can't imagine going through it with a 22-year-old son.
The good part is that he DOES know what works--I'm not sure another 28 days would be any better for him than a couple of weeks, just to be sure he's stable. My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he was an INCREDIBLY self-destructive drunk. He's now been sober for 36 years in AA (and I'm sober 8 years, also in AA, myself).
I think being close to his AA network is important. Maybe you can Skype with him or something, to reassure yourself that he's OK?
Are you going to Al-Anon? I really, really recommend it. I had several good friends when I was active in Al-Anon (which saved my sanity when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it) who had adult kids that were alcoholics/addicts, and it was just as good for them as it was for me.
Hugs,
The good part is that he DOES know what works--I'm not sure another 28 days would be any better for him than a couple of weeks, just to be sure he's stable. My first husband got sober when he was 21, and he was an INCREDIBLY self-destructive drunk. He's now been sober for 36 years in AA (and I'm sober 8 years, also in AA, myself).
I think being close to his AA network is important. Maybe you can Skype with him or something, to reassure yourself that he's OK?
Are you going to Al-Anon? I really, really recommend it. I had several good friends when I was active in Al-Anon (which saved my sanity when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it) who had adult kids that were alcoholics/addicts, and it was just as good for them as it was for me.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
How do I let him go back home several hours away?
Its the hardest thing in the world to let a child go especially one with alcohol/addiction issues.
Your house, a half way house, that girls place, a new place.......doesn't really matter where he is because you can't stop him from making that bad decision to drink/use again no matter how much you believe you can.
I know for me when I asked my son to leave the house, my nights were filled with constant worry, that worry lessoned as more time passed but never fully goes away. It's something I have learned to live with and something I have learned to control so that it doesn't overwhelm me and I end up the one making the bad decisions.
Talking with other parents, either in al-anon, maybe a family group established at an out-patient facility near you could benefit you.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Went to visit today
Drove 3 hours today to visit. Got up early to get on the road. I wanted to have lunch with him. He is ok at first, needs to go to shopko to get a few things. He needs deodorant and a hoodie cause it's getting cold at night. We have lunch. We go back to the treatment center, play cards, start talking about his car. He has lied to me about the car since I picked him up last week to take him to rehab. He lies for awhile today. I ask too many questions, he finally tells the truth. I am the bad guy for making him honest.
I used to think he lied to me when he was drinking. He has lied to my face while sober for over a week.
I'm broken. He says he needs to stay another week at rehab. I'm glad for every moment he is working on the issue.
I can't stop crying. I love him. He breaks my heart for him and as a mother.
I used to think he lied to me when he was drinking. He has lied to my face while sober for over a week.
I'm broken. He says he needs to stay another week at rehab. I'm glad for every moment he is working on the issue.
I can't stop crying. I love him. He breaks my heart for him and as a mother.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 67
I don't have any advice for what you're experiencing but I can tell that your son has one really great thing going for him -- YOU. He's very lucky to have a kind and understanding parent to help support him through this.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Thank you
Originally Posted by gbriezy
I don't have any advice for what you're experiencing but I can tell that your son has one really great thing going for him -- YOU. He's very lucky to have a kind and understanding parent to help support him through this.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
He has lied to me about the car since I picked him up last week to take him to rehab. He lies for awhile today. I ask too many questions, he finally tells the truth. I am the bad guy for making him honest.
I think there might have been a valuable lesson here for you, though--you said he has lied about the car in the past and now lied again despite being (presumably) sober. It would seem that this problem doesn't go away simply b/c he hasn't been drinking...
Like you, I felt if my A would simply stop drinking, all else would be fine. Over time, I learned that this wasn't the case--the drinking is part of the disease, but only part. Removing the alcohol is absolutely necessary in order to start recovery, but it's far from being the whole process.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Part of being an alcoholic (or addict) is lying. As a wise man with a lot of recovery said to me "I'd lie about lunch saying I went to McDonalds when I really went to the Taco Bell across from them. " He didn't know why except that it had become second nature when he was drinking. My guess is that its because we are so used to covering up our behaviors lying becomes the norm." My ex-fiance was just starting to shed that after 3 months sober...then he started drinking again.
I only shed this after working the steps. I've also seen changing behavior in SMART. I remember the first time I did a worksheet for SMART and there was maybe one truth on it. The worksheet wasn't even about drinking! So you are going to have to give him time to change if, and its a big if, he stays sober.
I only shed this after working the steps. I've also seen changing behavior in SMART. I remember the first time I did a worksheet for SMART and there was maybe one truth on it. The worksheet wasn't even about drinking! So you are going to have to give him time to change if, and its a big if, he stays sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Great point
Originally Posted by honeypig
I don't think you "made him honest." What you did was backed him into a corner. Not saying it was a right or wrong thing to do, just that "being honest" and "being caught in a series of lies" are 2 completely different things.
I think there might have been a valuable lesson here for you, though--you said he has lied about the car in the past and now lied again despite being (presumably) sober. It would seem that this problem doesn't go away simply b/c he hasn't been drinking...
Like you, I felt if my A would simply stop drinking, all else would be fine. Over time, I learned that this wasn't the case--the drinking is part of the disease, but only part. Removing the alcohol is absolutely necessary in order to start recovery, but it's far from being the whole process.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
I think there might have been a valuable lesson here for you, though--you said he has lied about the car in the past and now lied again despite being (presumably) sober. It would seem that this problem doesn't go away simply b/c he hasn't been drinking...
Like you, I felt if my A would simply stop drinking, all else would be fine. Over time, I learned that this wasn't the case--the drinking is part of the disease, but only part. Removing the alcohol is absolutely necessary in order to start recovery, but it's far from being the whole process.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
The only time he has ever said thank you or you're a good mom or anything else nice is when he is drunk. I use that now as a hint he is drinking........he is being nice. Which makes it hard because it's nice to hear those things, even if they are few and far between, after raising a boy by yourself but it's false so I have to let it go.
Thank you again for bringing your point of view. I appreciate the comment.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
As everyone else says, lying is an integral part of alcoholism. Your son isn't hopeless by any means. His lying doesn't mean he's incapable of telling the truth--just that he needs to get sober and get his head screwed back on straight for that to happen with any degree of consistency. The alcoholic behaviors will continue for a while after he quits drinking.
So if I were you, for right now I'd keep your expectations very low. That's not giving him a "pass" for lying, but to keep YOURSELF from taking his behavior personally. IF he stays sober and IF he does the work, he WILL get better.
So if I were you, for right now I'd keep your expectations very low. That's not giving him a "pass" for lying, but to keep YOURSELF from taking his behavior personally. IF he stays sober and IF he does the work, he WILL get better.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Taking it personally
Originally Posted by LexieCat
As everyone else says, lying is an integral part of alcoholism. Your son isn't hopeless by any means. His lying doesn't mean he's incapable of telling the truth--just that he needs to get sober and get his head screwed back on straight for that to happen with any degree of consistency. The alcoholic behaviors will continue for a while after he quits drinking.
So if I were you, for right now I'd keep your expectations very low. That's not giving him a "pass" for lying, but to keep YOURSELF from taking his behavior personally. IF he stays sober and IF he does the work, he WILL get better.
So if I were you, for right now I'd keep your expectations very low. That's not giving him a "pass" for lying, but to keep YOURSELF from taking his behavior personally. IF he stays sober and IF he does the work, he WILL get better.
How do you not take it personally? Your child that you have done everything you can for? He didn't have a perfect childhood. I was poor for most of it but I always made sure he was taken are of, food a roof and a mom who loved him so much
He just has no regard for anyone but himself. It was his birthday one day after he went back to his place 3 hrs away. He knew we would be trying to call him. Wanting to talk to him. Worrying about him. He just blew us off.
I know this takes control and he is not who he is when he is drinking but I can't wrap my head around complete disregard for feelings. I care so much but it's so one sided. I love him so much but he hurts me so much. Parenting sucks.
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