She's sober but I'm miserable
 

I'm new here. I'm hoping others can perhaps relate to my situation and offer insight or advice. I've been married for 16 years. The last 6 have been miserable with my wife's alcoholism. It took years before I had the strength to call it what it was and actually do something about it. Many failures along the way. A lot of lessons learned.

The good news is that she's been sober now for 5 months after spending 2 months in a rehab facility. She's like the woman I married again. Confident. Beautiful. Charming. A good mother.

So why am I so miserable. Our marriage is still non-existent. We are good friends but nothing more. We don't even argue anymore. We just co-exist. I know she wants more and she's giving me plenty of space. I'm thankful for that.

Al Anon tells me to take it one day at a time. Not to project or predict the future. To let things unfold naturally. I'm trying that but NOTHING is changing for me. I don't feel anything for her. I'm not in love with her and I don't see it changing. Even though she has changed, I can't seem to let it go.

I think it's over and I just don't want to face it. I just don't know what to do other than be patient and wait and see. But right now all I feel is lonely and depressed.

If people used the "I'm not in love with my spouse" anymore, no marriage would last....just sayin. Love is an action-not a feeling....and sometimes you have to act your way into feelings. All this being said, sometimes you just can't I break what was broken. Maybe time and space would help you figure out a way to move forward, with or without her. Just be careful that you're not equating this to boredom....we Codie's become accustomed toso much drama and if it stops it can be deafeningly quiet. Please consider this and also continue towork on you.

What ELSE are you doing, besides sitting and letting things "unfold"? Are you working the Steps? Do you have a sponsor?

I'll agree that not every marriage can be saved, even with great sobriety. Mine ended after my husband had fifteen years (and we'd been married for fourteen). Working the Steps can help you to see more clearly what's hers and what's yours to clean up.

If things are still rocky after you've both been doing the work for a year, marriage counseling MIGHT help. I wouldn't jump into it just yet, as she's still got her hands full with her recovery, and you'll make better progress, yourself, if you work on yours..

I'm in no position to give advice. My fiance is sober for one week today. I'm proud... but I'm quickly realizing that I spent so much time trying to save him, that I have pushed aside, swept under the rug, and bottled all of my emotions. I'm so angry and full of resentment. I never thought I could be angrier than when he came home drunk.
I'm also realizing that he's been an alcoholic to varying degrees the entire time I've known him. Now I need to get to know him again but he has to find himself first. I feel miles away from an endless finish line.
If she's the woman you fell in love with now, try to fall in love with her all over again. You don't have to "force it." Try to reconnect.
I can't imagine it's easy. I don't imagine it will happen over night.
Couples counseling could help or it could help a decision be made by both of you.
Also, maybe seek personal cousnelling for yourself. That's something I have decided as I didn't find that al-anon worked for me.
I admire your strength. Keep hanging in there.
Good luck.

NYswimDad.....you might consider finding a counselor who is also a long time recovering alcoholic......
In addition to alanon, of course......
What could it hurt...?

Well if you´ve been miserable for the last 6 years because of her alcoholism it would be pretty insane if you´d fall in love instantly when she decided to stop drinking! It´s only been 5 months, how could that erase years of unhappines and I imagine a lot of disappointments? I think it´s pretty healthy that you´re feeling miserable, you probably have a lot of pent up resentments that are showing up now. I´d say just give it time, perhaps you´ll rekindle the love again, perhaps not. Just listen to yourself, not to what you think is expected of you. Life has probably revolved around your wife for a lot of years, that is what alcoholics do to relationships, now it´s time you give permission to see how you´re feeling about everything.

"I'm trying that but NOTHING is changing for me"

welp, I can see that happening if this is all your doing
" take it one day at a time. Not to project or predict the future. To let things unfold naturally"
which I don't think that is all al anon tells ya to do.

if nothing changes then nothing changes.
what ACTIONS are you doing?

NYswimdad, in all honesty, it reads like you had expectations that her getting sober would make you happy and healthy?


have you been working on your communication skills with her?

At the point where you are right now, I was only just starting to "unclench". I was only just starting to understand my reality fully, starting to see it dimensionally - does that makes sense? All sides?

I was very overwhelmed & I thought more about separation/divorce then than I ever had before. I felt like we were standing on opposing sides (again!), separated by a mess so undefinable there was no knowing exactly where to begin. Or if I wanted to.

I also started to display more codie "behaviors" around then too - which seemed backward, but it isn't when you think about it like a stress-response. I was "thawing" because in the absence of his ongoing crisis situations, I could. Like phoenix mentioned, there were times I reacted to the lack of drama too.

I went through a LOT of phases honestly, we both did. The only thing I am positive about is that FOR US, the success lies in us each working our respective recoveries first & then working on repairing our marriage. His brain & body needed a long time to really get over the daily alcohol abuse too, he'd been saturating himself for a while. Until we knew who we were now, we couldn't know if we HAD a marriage to save.

"I know she wants more". I can't help but wonder what that means.....?

In that boat with you Swim- to my knowledge (and I'm not investigating) she hasn't had a drink in 2.5 years or so. We've been married 20 years, she was isolating and abusing prescription drugs and alcohol for 8 or so years.. I was full-blast untreated alanon, demanding what behavior I wanted and so on. So 2 years into recovery things are... cordial. I found alanon and it was like discovering how to breathe again, she is more or less the same but without booze. In a way thats what I need- I have to discover how to live my life without depending on her for validation, company, which is more or less what I'm getting.

I find I need to practice complete acceptance of how she needs to be and my business is what I can bring to the situation not what I can get out of it. I would <prefer> a relationship deeper than sharing the bills and small talk- I would <prefer> an involved mom instead of her disappearing into knitting and facebook as soon as she gets home . But its the old getting bread at the hardware store problem.

Given its a functional and at least cordial arrangement, we do family things with our 10 yr old daughter, have date-night etc- there is no outrageous behavior and I think it would be selfish and wholly inappropriate to separate because the marriage doesn't align with my preferences.

I ask myself would I be having these concerns if she was physically sick instead of emotionally/physically unavailable... and I say I don't think so, and so I wonder whats the difference. She is an untreated ACOA, she and her family went thru some brief counselling after her alcoholic dad committed suicide when she was 17- the issue is Officially Settled despite what now seems clear (to me) unhealed and profound emotional trauma in all parties. So I would say I cannot fairly make a distinction between an emotional issue and an illness wrt my approach to the marriage... my business is what I bring to it- and I need to maintain some empathy for her being kind of stuck on the emotional trauma hamster-wheel. I have been there too in my own way.

Its lonely sometimes.. recovery talk is not welcome, she goes deer-in-headlight and shuts down.. so I leave things be. But I have my recovery peeps and every day is an adventure instead of more or less frequently a PITA which is how I used to work.

Five months sober is still pretty new for both of you....especially after all those years.....

It's quite possible there is still a lot of resentment to work through....

I feel ya, Swim - except my AW is far from sober, and may never get there. But I've thought about the 'what-ifs' of her getting sober and how I might feel about that.

In the last 5 years she has caused so much drama, so much stress, so much pain, so much destruction and hate - I'm not sure it can EVER recover. My walls have bee built, my resentment has been solidified over and over again. I'm not sure it could ever be repaired. Five months can't erase YEARS of bad behaviour - and there's nothing saying that she won't relapse again.

Just sayin'. I know where you're coming from. It's hard. Take care of yourself.

COD

A big part of my recovery was looking at my past relationships. I selected exactly what I thought I wanted - dark Irish brooding, intelligent, emotionally unavailable hottie that I thought I could save.

So 3+ years of solid sobriety and one cannot expect the emotionally unavailable aspect of one's personality to change. He just shut down on the aspects of recovery that could have broken those emotional barriers.

Ny Dad,
Now you know why they call alcohlism a family disease. Her disease has made you miserable. The way you explain your marriage now was how I was living with my axh the last two years of my marriage. Very sad.

Once again, during her sobriety, its all about how well she is doing, she is getting help and had 2 months in rehab to get her shxt together. Once again, you pull all the weight. Then u just sit and wait till she starts drinking again. Always cautious to let your guard down. Every one here gets it. Outside world wouldn't. Life should just be a bed of roses now that she is sober. Wrong.

In reality it doesn't work that way. You need a 2 month rehab for the 16 years you put up with her in the destruction of your life together. You need intense therapy with what you and your kids have dealt with. We get why u r miserable.

You have 2 choices, work on the marriage or walk. Get some help for yourself so you can be happy again. It took me 2 alanon meetings and 2 open aa meeting a week for 10 straight months, plus sr every night to come to terms of my divorce after 34 years together. But I can smile and be the happy person I was before my life with my addict. Just like with an active a, there is always hope/help for us. If you choose to get the help and do it.

Hugs my friend, read the stickies above, hit more meetings, work a program and you will be ok with any decisions you have to make.

Yep - it's all about the A once again. You lived in bad situation for 6 years - you won't magically snap back. Al-anon is good, take care of yourself

All I can say is THANK YOU for what you all have said. I really do appreciate the plainspeak honesty of it all. This is exactly what I needed - a reality check of sorts. The truth is that I have let my recovery slip. That is entirely my fault. My side of the street to manage. and I haven't. I have re-prioritized other aspects of my life in the false hope that her sobriety would afford me that ability. I have even cut back on my sessions with my therapist b/c I felt I didn't have any material to discuss. Boy, am I wrong. My last therapy appointment this week was one of the best I ever had (and I had planned to cancel it). We talked about me and my feelings instead of what was going on in my house. It was unexpectedly very emotional for me. I was dipping into places I have long avoided.

So again thank you for the words of support and encouragement. But also for the candor and directness. This is exactly what I needed today.

This place is truly a blessing. Keep making progress.

^^ great to hear! Keep on working through the steps of recovery....this place IS amazing!

I do have to say that I LOVE seeing the dads that post on SR, that put"DAD" in their SR name. To me this means that you guys are very proud to be a Dad and are making a point that everyone knows that. This hits my heart, that you are on this forum to get help for them as much as you!!

Keep it up DADS, it will pay off in the long run with your relationship with your kids, they will always know you got their back!!

Yes - sobriety is just the first step, for everyone. Then the WORK starts, on both sides.

It isn't easy Dad - 5 months in the face of years of chaos is like drops in a bucket. And YOU didn't get 2 months away to focus on your side of the street - you continued to try to fit it in around the rest of the responsibilities & obligations that you can't take a break from.... kids, jobs, mortgages, whatever. Early Recovery is not equal on all sides.

At 5 months, I was still holding my breath for a relapse, if I'm being honest. I needed to see new, healthier patterns repeated again & again & again before they would start to feel "normal". I was still identifying my "hurts". Hang in there.