LordChallen

I think love can give us feelings. But I think what some confuse or consider love is more of an animal attraction. I mean, if you toss a couple of strange bunnies in a box, they are going to love each.

But, IMHO, there are higher forms of love that can be longer lasting, more fulfilling, more meaningful. Like loving a family. It can have that bunny like love in it, but it takes a lot of other things to make it work, like honor, responsibility, respect, devotion, etc.

Just because the "bunny love" is missing doesn't mean there isn't love to had. It sounds like you have something worth fighting for. And count yourself lucky with that, because many that come here don't.

Zak68

I haven't been to the site in ages but occasionally feel the need to stop in to see if my past can help someone's future.
My wife has been sober since 2009 when she tried to take her life. She felt she could never heal and the guilt from her affair with my best friend was eating her up. We separated and got back together 6 months later. She laid it all in my lap if I wanted to make it work.
I spent a long time trying to cope on my own and with the help of a counselor and to be honest I still have times where I struggle. Life moved on, our relationship is better but something is missing. I love her, but I am no longer "in love" with her if that makes sense. The betrayal ripped me apart and I find there are reminders everywhere about adultery and it makes me remember the pain.
I don't know if I trust her, or if I can ever really trust her again and I am working on that issue.
Give it time. I hope you find the healing you need and your marriage heals. Every relationship is different and built on different expectations. I see the woman I married years ago and that gives me strength to move forward. Maybe it also just makes me cling to the past and not allow me to move on and truly be happy.
To be honest I found this site a great help in my healing process and I hope others find that healing here too.

LordChallen

Life is an illusion. We believe things that allow us to indulge in feelings that are basically unfounded. And those feelings can be fun. Sort of like playing cops and robbers, or king and peasants.

But when the truth is laid out, it wasn't real, even if it was "real fun."

Some of the marriage feelings are like this. We think we "own" our sponsors and their betrayal is something that was actually against us. But when the masks are off, we don't own anyone. If someone cares enough to "be-long with you" then that should say a lot.

Sometimes what we think was betrayed, wasn't exactly real. I'm not saying our feelings don't get hurt. But something I've learned about life, "if it hurts, chances are I misunderstand something."

I have my own issues, so I am not promoting that I am righteous or anything, but one of the reason so many people "cheat" is because they are looking for another illusions, like they are so important that someone will drop everything and make it right, or chase them, or a whole bunch of reasons that are based on low self esteem.

sauerkraut

Hi swimdad,
I may be swimming against the current here, but I just wanted to say it's possible, just possible, that you and your children would be better off moving on. Obviously living with someone in active addiction is destructive to a family, but from my experience, being a child of a loveless marriage isn't great, either.

NYswimDad

I hear what everyone is saying. and as Al Anon says, I'm taking bits and leaving the rest. In the past week, I have gone to 2 Al Anon meetings which is 2 more than I've attended in the last 3 months. I know 2 doesn't make a trend but I do feel a bit better. 1) I'm realizing that I'm normal and what I'm experiencing is to be expected. and 2) I need to be proactive in my recovery. A lot of Al Anon's slogans such as "Let go and Let God" or "Easy does it" sound very passive in voice. In reality, however, they are not. We make an active choice to follow these principles every day. For too long I have used these slogans as a right to abdicate my responsibility to myself, choosing to avoid and shutdown. and in hindsight, I suppose the result is easily predictable. I'm not saying things are going to be all sunshine and rainbows. There are no guarantees. But I do know that I have a better shot, if I at least take one.

dandylion

NYswimDad.....lol....another saying is "More will be revealed". And, it always is....

I can remember my grandmother saying something similar to me..."Time will tell"...

Your wife still has a long way to go....and so do you....

By the way...2yrs. is considered by many to be the early recovery period,,,provided that the person is diligently following a program of recovery

steve11694

in a normal marriage (happy family no addiction-alcoholism) after 16 years its not abnormal for the couple to be just like good friends. honeymoon does not last forever.

Bluehawaii

I'm recently seperate after 31 years of marriage.
My husband has been sober 5 years.
Somethings changed like his helping out and doing things around the house he hadn't done for years.
We were like friends with no intimacy no sex just buddy's .
I could live like that but his constant lies and his next addictions to porn and prescription drugs and using our adult daughter whom also is an addict for his own growth and manipulation set our relationship to beyond repair and I'm finally done.
The worst pain I've ever felt and I still can't figure out why.
I still feel we could have won the battle but I know that's my dream not his.
Good luck , try everything you think you need to and then remember yourself.

dandylion

steve11694......you are just kidding...right?!!

dandylion