I have a crush
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I have a crush
On someone who I know would be totally bad news for me.
I haven’t felt this kind of feeling since I met Separated AH (though this is definitely not on the same level as that).
Just want to state up front that I absolutely will not be pursuing this… in case anyone was worried
but it’s definitely brought up a lot of questions in my mind.
So a little bit about this eligible bachelor… I originally met him in Al-anon last year, but I knew of him before that for a couple of reasons… One of which: he was a jail buddy of AH’s.
He was in jail for Domestic Violence, and he is currently in AH’s 52-week DV class.
His drug of choice is heroin.
I could go on… but that’s the gist.
But he’s also handsome and charming. I like the way he looks at me… and I just feel an attraction to him.
I saw him yesterday as I was walking into my office. He’s fresh out of jail… again. This time for prescription drug sales.
We talked for a few minutes about his children, who he has lost custody of… he asked about my children. I shared some personal things with him… regarding AH, that I probably should not have. I felt comfortable doing it though, maybe because he’s from my Al-anon group… or maybe just because of the attraction I feel toward him…
He told me to call him if I want to get together to talk, and told me he hopes he sees me in Al-anon this week.
I see the red flags. Clearly. I will not be calling him. Definitely progress for me. In the past, despite his past, I would not have thought twice about at least just calling him, hanging out… because ya know, he seems like a nice guy, so what’s the problem with that? So what he’s had some struggles? Haven’t we all?
But not anymore. I still have so much my own recovery to work on, that I don't think starting a new relationship with anyone would be good for me, but particularly not with someone so early into his own recovery....
So I’m proud of myself for seeing that, and I recognize it as progress. However, I guess I’m wondering, if I was further along in my recovery, would I even feel this pull toward him? Will I ever start feeling attracted to men who are stable and not addicts?
Or am I always going to gravitate towards the ones who seem to need my "help" and I’ll just have to recognize it, like I have… and go from there?
Thanks for reading
I haven’t felt this kind of feeling since I met Separated AH (though this is definitely not on the same level as that).
Just want to state up front that I absolutely will not be pursuing this… in case anyone was worried
but it’s definitely brought up a lot of questions in my mind.So a little bit about this eligible bachelor… I originally met him in Al-anon last year, but I knew of him before that for a couple of reasons… One of which: he was a jail buddy of AH’s.
He was in jail for Domestic Violence, and he is currently in AH’s 52-week DV class.
His drug of choice is heroin.
I could go on… but that’s the gist.
But he’s also handsome and charming. I like the way he looks at me… and I just feel an attraction to him.
I saw him yesterday as I was walking into my office. He’s fresh out of jail… again. This time for prescription drug sales.
We talked for a few minutes about his children, who he has lost custody of… he asked about my children. I shared some personal things with him… regarding AH, that I probably should not have. I felt comfortable doing it though, maybe because he’s from my Al-anon group… or maybe just because of the attraction I feel toward him…
He told me to call him if I want to get together to talk, and told me he hopes he sees me in Al-anon this week.
I see the red flags. Clearly. I will not be calling him. Definitely progress for me. In the past, despite his past, I would not have thought twice about at least just calling him, hanging out… because ya know, he seems like a nice guy, so what’s the problem with that? So what he’s had some struggles? Haven’t we all?
But not anymore. I still have so much my own recovery to work on, that I don't think starting a new relationship with anyone would be good for me, but particularly not with someone so early into his own recovery....
So I’m proud of myself for seeing that, and I recognize it as progress. However, I guess I’m wondering, if I was further along in my recovery, would I even feel this pull toward him? Will I ever start feeling attracted to men who are stable and not addicts?
Or am I always going to gravitate towards the ones who seem to need my "help" and I’ll just have to recognize it, like I have… and go from there?
Thanks for reading
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Even with the second-line disclaimer, you scared the bejeesus out of me!!
Maybe it's just me, but even if a Victoria's Secret model was after me to meet up, if she had a history like that, I would run the other way.
Not criticizing, because your feelings are yours, but the thought of any sort of attraction to someone into drugs, jail, and DV - is haunting.
Maybe it's just me, but even if a Victoria's Secret model was after me to meet up, if she had a history like that, I would run the other way.
Not criticizing, because your feelings are yours, but the thought of any sort of attraction to someone into drugs, jail, and DV - is haunting.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
Even with the second-line disclaimer, you scared the bejeesus out of me!!
Maybe it's just me, but even if a Victoria's Secret model was after me to meet up, if she had a history like that, I would run the other way.
Not criticizing, because your feelings are yours, but the thought of any sort of attraction to someone into drugs, jail, and DV - is haunting.
Maybe it's just me, but even if a Victoria's Secret model was after me to meet up, if she had a history like that, I would run the other way.
Not criticizing, because your feelings are yours, but the thought of any sort of attraction to someone into drugs, jail, and DV - is haunting.
But I'm trying to see it as positive that I'm recognizing it and questioning it... and not acting
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I think we gravitate to what is familiar.
It IS a positive that you are recognizing and questioning -- but that alone is not going to protect you from the kind of magical thinking we codies are prone to -- you know, that one that is going to tell you maybe this time, things will be different.
It's going to be hard to remember that it's not different. In fact, it's exactly the same.
It IS a positive that you are recognizing and questioning -- but that alone is not going to protect you from the kind of magical thinking we codies are prone to -- you know, that one that is going to tell you maybe this time, things will be different.
It's going to be hard to remember that it's not different. In fact, it's exactly the same.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Seeing red flags is an understatement. This is more like a nuclear disaster warning.
I think we all tend to gravitate toward certain partner types for a reason (bad boys?), but it is the awareness of possible danger and consequences that makes the difference.
I think we all tend to gravitate toward certain partner types for a reason (bad boys?), but it is the awareness of possible danger and consequences that makes the difference.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
I have the same strange attraction to "bad boys" ... It is the "mystery" ... Ironically there is no mystery to where a relationship with them would lead 
I have not tried to figure out why I am attracted to them yet... But I can relate to you.
I have not tried to figure out why I am attracted to them yet... But I can relate to you.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Whew, it was pretty scary for ME to read, too!
One thing that might help de-fuse the attraction is to remember that abusers (and his DV history has pretty much established that) are skilled charmers. That's how they get their victims hooked.
Imagine him as a lovely, but quick and deadly reptile. NOT something you want to pick up and handle, or even get too close to, no matter how pretty it is.
One thing that might help de-fuse the attraction is to remember that abusers (and his DV history has pretty much established that) are skilled charmers. That's how they get their victims hooked.
Imagine him as a lovely, but quick and deadly reptile. NOT something you want to pick up and handle, or even get too close to, no matter how pretty it is.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by healthyagain
I think we all tend to gravitate toward certain partner types for a reason (bad boys?), but it is the awareness of possible danger and consequences that makes the difference.
Originally Posted by hope778
I have the same strange attraction to "bad boys" ... It is the "mystery" ... Ironically there is no mystery to where a relationship with them would lead
We nice guys often wonder why the girls repeatedly go after the same type guys. I see the train wrecks in the making and wonder....Is it me or do I just not get this!!!
I'm sure some girls wonder why some guys go after the same type girls over and over.
All I know is this. I am now, and always have been selective. Some say so selective it will be impossible. So that makes me try and see it their way. And so I pick someone that falls outside of my normal selection criteria. And I set the red flags aside. And I said "We were just different"....and I was introduced to alcoholism as a result.
So I am back to being my old selective self. I may not find many, but when I do, I know it.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 114
Kboys I also gravitate to "bad boys" so I get it. I am glad to hear that you are seeing the red flags this time and recognizing the need to avoid!! I think seeing the flags and reaching out here to try and understand the why is great progress. Thanks for bringing this up as I am interested to read the input from others.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I think sometimes that we aren't so attracted to "bad ones," but we are attracted to people that are attracted to us. We are love / affection addicts after all. We swoon when someone swoons over us.
Bad ones are attracted to us because we're too nice to blow them off, and maybe they think we can fix them...haha which makes sense, because we certainly think we can fix them!
If we can learn to blow off the bad ones - which we CLEARLY see in the beginning and until our addiction takes over, and if we can let go of wanting to fix other peoples stuff, then staying away is easy.
KUDOS for recognizing the toxic nuclear warnings all over the place!
Bad ones are attracted to us because we're too nice to blow them off, and maybe they think we can fix them...haha which makes sense, because we certainly think we can fix them!
If we can learn to blow off the bad ones - which we CLEARLY see in the beginning and until our addiction takes over, and if we can let go of wanting to fix other peoples stuff, then staying away is easy.
KUDOS for recognizing the toxic nuclear warnings all over the place!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by firebolt
I think sometimes that we aren't so attracted to "bad ones," but we are attracted to people that are attracted to us. We are love / affection addicts after all. We swoon when someone swoons over us.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
At some point that stuff won't be attractive to you, but it's definitely great you recognize that you still have that pull!
I met a guy that actually told me, "I want to respect your boundaries" and found it INSANELY attractive lol a few months ago I would've thought he was a "boring nice guy" and not given it a second thought but now? Oh boy lol
Give it time and regarding this guy... do not pass Go! Do not collect $200!
I met a guy that actually told me, "I want to respect your boundaries" and found it INSANELY attractive lol a few months ago I would've thought he was a "boring nice guy" and not given it a second thought but now? Oh boy lol
Give it time and regarding this guy... do not pass Go! Do not collect $200!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Kboys, there is a possibility that he put the charming mask on for you and is pushing your buttons. This would explain why you are so attracted to him. Maybe he knows which music to play for your ears?
I so do not like this guy. But it is more than great that you are aware and won't fall for it.
I so do not like this guy. But it is more than great that you are aware and won't fall for it.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Its just never good to start something up with someone who just got out of jail. 
I think its very good you recognize this. These bad boys.....they are very charismatic. Add good looks - the sex would probably be fantastic.
The problems would be GINORMOUS, and I never though I would say it - your ex sounds like a better choice.
So move along Kboys...there is a great looking, charming, non-addict, not jailed, guy out there. Promise.
I think its very good you recognize this. These bad boys.....they are very charismatic. Add good looks - the sex would probably be fantastic.
The problems would be GINORMOUS, and I never though I would say it - your ex sounds like a better choice.
So move along Kboys...there is a great looking, charming, non-addict, not jailed, guy out there. Promise.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Don't even...
Let's review. Jail (more than once). Heroin. Domestic violence. Dealer with a conviction.
If this guy moved in next door with that resume you'd be terrified to have him around your kids, yes?
Oh, there aren't enough Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOs in the world. Stay away. No talking, no flirting, and go to a different Al-Anon meeting...you're not there to hook up with another disaster.
In short...
Let's review. Jail (more than once). Heroin. Domestic violence. Dealer with a conviction.
If this guy moved in next door with that resume you'd be terrified to have him around your kids, yes?
Oh, there aren't enough Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOs in the world. Stay away. No talking, no flirting, and go to a different Al-Anon meeting...you're not there to hook up with another disaster.
In short...
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Thank you everybody. I'm not going there. I'm really not. I do recognize he is a skilled charmer, and yes, probably knows just which buttons to push... And he's probably homeless after just getting out of jail and knows I have a house and a job... and that I'm a softy for putting up with AH's stuff for as long as I did, so I probably look like a pretty nice target to him...
And you're right Aries, I should probably not even talk to him... We only have one Al-anon meeting here to choose from though... but honestly, I haven't been going lately anyway.
I have no childcare during that time, and taking the kids is quite a distraction.
I think you're right Firebolt.. I think it does have a lot to do with being attracted to those who are attracted to us, and make us feel wanted. It feels good, and it's definitely easy to get swept away by that
Originally Posted by redatlanta
The problems would be GINORMOUS, and I never though I would say it - your ex sounds like a better choice.
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Geez, my head is still ringing from the sound of alarm bells.
All joshing aside, a friend recommended to me once to write three pages in longhand of every thing I wanted in a partner. The first page was easy, by the third you're pretty much stretching for anything that moves.
When I read that document I realized that it was really a reflection of me and my values, and that it could also be a starting place for stuff _I_ wanted to work on. I said that he should love music, so I worked on pursuing that interest for myself. That he should be kind, patient and easygoing, so I tried, in my somewhat type A manner, to aim for the same thing.
You might want to try it just for kicks.
All joshing aside, a friend recommended to me once to write three pages in longhand of every thing I wanted in a partner. The first page was easy, by the third you're pretty much stretching for anything that moves.
When I read that document I realized that it was really a reflection of me and my values, and that it could also be a starting place for stuff _I_ wanted to work on. I said that he should love music, so I worked on pursuing that interest for myself. That he should be kind, patient and easygoing, so I tried, in my somewhat type A manner, to aim for the same thing.
You might want to try it just for kicks.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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I'm inclined to think that your HP threw this curveball your way just to show you how far you HAVE come in recovery. Being able to recognize all the red flags = huge growth, K. Way to go!
Speaking solely for myself - IDK if the "attraction" goes away 100% in all cases- pheromones & all, lol.... but the quacking is louder & more recognizable & the overall impact is just different. I can see why others find this person charming & sexy but for me, it's not real once I see the mask of addiction. I'm looking at a person that doesn't even know who HE is, in my opinion, he can't.
But anyone with a history of any kind of DV is a non-starter for me regardless. Even in terms of friendships.
Speaking solely for myself - IDK if the "attraction" goes away 100% in all cases- pheromones & all, lol.... but the quacking is louder & more recognizable & the overall impact is just different. I can see why others find this person charming & sexy but for me, it's not real once I see the mask of addiction. I'm looking at a person that doesn't even know who HE is, in my opinion, he can't.
But anyone with a history of any kind of DV is a non-starter for me regardless. Even in terms of friendships.
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