I have a crush
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Ohhh Kboys, you are singing my song! So good for you for recognizing the red flags.
I was talking to my therapist about this very topic. I summarized it as, "so, if I am attracted to a person, I should realize that's a bad thing, and if I find someone boring, that's a good thing?" She said, "Yes!"
Clear as mud. Welcome to co-dependency.
I was talking to my therapist about this very topic. I summarized it as, "so, if I am attracted to a person, I should realize that's a bad thing, and if I find someone boring, that's a good thing?" She said, "Yes!"
Clear as mud. Welcome to co-dependency.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
Even with the second-line disclaimer, you scared the bejeesus out of me!!
Maybe it's just me, but even if a Victoria's Secret model was after me to meet up, if she had a history like that, I would run the other way.
Not criticizing, because your feelings are yours, but the thought of any sort of attraction to someone into drugs, jail, and DV - is haunting.
Maybe it's just me, but even if a Victoria's Secret model was after me to meet up, if she had a history like that, I would run the other way.
Not criticizing, because your feelings are yours, but the thought of any sort of attraction to someone into drugs, jail, and DV - is haunting.
What a dreamboat. DV, kids taken away, drugs....he is not a "bad boy", he is a human wreck. Of course he has to be "charming" - he appears to have nothing else going for him.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Take two aspirin and see how you feel tomorrow. Keep repeating until you get a real "yuck" feeling when you think about him.
Please forgive the crass nomenclature, but this is just temporary horniness. Do not act on it and you will be fine.
Please forgive the crass nomenclature, but this is just temporary horniness. Do not act on it and you will be fine.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
Kboys, think of it like this: thereŽs your heart with feelings of attraction telling you to go for it - and your brain with reasoning telling you No way! Luckily, youŽre an adult by now and you can choose which of them to listen to, neither of them has a hold over you if you donŽt want them to.
Attraction is just that - a feeling. It will fade away. Not so with reason and logic. IŽd say just go with the motions of what your brain is telling you. In time this attraction will come to its natural end and youŽll feel so much better for not listening to it.
Attraction is just that - a feeling. It will fade away. Not so with reason and logic. IŽd say just go with the motions of what your brain is telling you. In time this attraction will come to its natural end and youŽll feel so much better for not listening to it.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 22
It happens at a subconscious level. If you've learned as a child that love hurts, then you're going to look for partners who provide you with a lot of pain. Seems like your conscious mind is realizing this and that is definitely a step in the right direction.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
All joshing aside, a friend recommended to me once to write three pages in longhand of every thing I wanted in a partner. The first page was easy, by the third you're pretty much stretching for anything that moves.
When I read that document I realized that it was really a reflection of me and my values, and that it could also be a starting place for stuff _I_ wanted to work on. I said that he should love music, so I worked on pursuing that interest for myself. That he should be kind, patient and easygoing, so I tried, in my somewhat type A manner, to aim for the same thing.
When I read that document I realized that it was really a reflection of me and my values, and that it could also be a starting place for stuff _I_ wanted to work on. I said that he should love music, so I worked on pursuing that interest for myself. That he should be kind, patient and easygoing, so I tried, in my somewhat type A manner, to aim for the same thing.
I'm inclined to think that your HP threw this curveball your way just to show you how far you HAVE come in recovery.
I passed, and you will too!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Originally Posted by firebolt
But before having the 'we're not it' talk, he came out shirtless while I was waiting for him to take me home from his place. I'm lonely - he's cute...and I am wholly convinced God was testing me to see if I am serious about making better choices I passed, and you will too!
I passed, and you will too!I had a shirtless neighbor prancing around. Wanted to buy him a t-shirt. Also passed God's test with flying colors. Or perhaps it was devil's temptation? Or perhaps it was the neighbor's cunning plan?
Anyway, trust your gut feeling. If you hear the alarm bell, you know what (not) to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I like the idea that it is my HP throwing me a curveball to show me how far I've come I have!
Although the attention from him did feel... nice, for a minute, I really didn't feel much temptation if any to actually call him or follow through with anything more...
I didn't on that day, but last night I got a facebook friend request and message from him, asking me again, if I wanted to "hang out sometime". I told him thank you but I didn't think it was a good idea, and right now I just really want to focus on myself and my kids....
He messaged back and said he understood but the "offer stands if you're ever ready"...
I suppose I could have been more firm? And I can if he persists, but I don't think he will.
I just left it at that... I'm glad I did that and am pretty proud of myself for it.
Thanks everybody for the reinforcements and encouragement.
I have!Although the attention from him did feel... nice, for a minute, I really didn't feel much temptation if any to actually call him or follow through with anything more...
Originally Posted by kittycat3
So did you tell him that you would not be calling him?
He messaged back and said he understood but the "offer stands if you're ever ready"...
I suppose I could have been more firm? And I can if he persists, but I don't think he will.
I just left it at that... I'm glad I did that and am pretty proud of myself for it.
Thanks everybody for the reinforcements and encouragement.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Kboys - good for you. I wonder if I am not firm enough, either.This sounds terrible coming from me because I am still married. Guys (coworkers for example) KNOW that, but still make passes... continually. It's like I put off a vibe that my marriage is in serious distress, and they know to come running. And, if I were single, these would be exactly the guys I would need to avoid.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
In my experience it is best to be clear and firm. Not rude, but no weaseling. "Thanks but that's not a good idea." "I appreciate your offer but I have to decline." End. No maybe sometime later......and you can also say "I don't want to discuss it further."
These guys will take notice if you waffle- and will gladly take advantage of any sign of weakness. Just my humble opinion.....sounds like you guys got this
These guys will take notice if you waffle- and will gladly take advantage of any sign of weakness. Just my humble opinion.....sounds like you guys got this
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