Wisconsin

I need some ESH, my friends.

I'm struggling a lot with fear. Mostly fear that I'm going to make some sort of colossal mistake that will get me (or worse, my kids) hurt. Honestly, I'm starting to feel like it's inhibiting my ability to move forward in my recovery. Anxiety has ALWAYS been a problem for me, and I am finding that now that I have a year away from my STBXAH and I've come so far in terms of not focusing all my emotional energy on him, it is very uncomfortable and sometimes painful to look inward and be confident. Confidence has never been my strong suit. I just think back to my mother's adult life, and I look at my dad now (he is 70 and very CLEARLY regretting how he chose to spend a lot of his adult life), and I don't want to be that person.

How do you all cope with anxiety? Low confidence?

ardy

Hi kiddo Wisconsin here too.. how do we cope... kiddo I look in the mirror and go well Quilling the Hell is this... I remember my Pop doing the same speech in the mirror too.. how do we cope ... very carefully every day.. and then there are times I just draw into my shell and yell screw it to the world family and everything.. and nothing can make me better for days... little bit by little bit kiddo like the blood line of our families one drop at a time... and then something never gets better.. but we just keep trying... hugs and prayers from Wisconsin too..

firebolt

On the anxiety - I am a worrier, I spiral, and I make up crazy things that might happen, and then dwell on them. I worry so much about my niece and nephew....and even my dog. GAH - I can't imagine if I had kids of my own....this would be X 10!! I had a counselor tell me to wear a rubber band on my wrist and snap it over and over and mentally say STOP when I notice I am doing it. It helped a lot - mostly with recognizing I'm doing it so I don't get so sucked in.

Also...i think the dwelling on completely made up "might happens" started in childhood for me. Just a seriously busy brain. Playing sports - like every sport - in school kept that in check i think. If I tired out my body, my brain slowed down.

Getting older, sports and exercise is at times non existent for me....and I notice my overactive brain rearing up again - with lots of negativity and stewing. When I get back into a daily exercise regime (started again today for the 500th time, BTW), it all quiets down. I'm tired in the evenings from doing something rather than from not doing things. Yoga and meditation helps me too. (((HUGS)))

LexieCat

I get it--I've been caught in analysis-paralysis. One thing that has helped me is just plain living. I've learned there are very few mistakes one makes that are going to have a long-lasting adverse impact on your life (or anyone else's). Most mistakes may cost you a bit of time, embarrassment, aggravation, but the effects are usually temporary. It's not possible to LIVE and not make mistakes.

It's also possible to attribute everything bad that happens to some "mistake" on your part. My foundation problem, for example. I did everything you're supposed to do to make sure the house you're buying is good, and something bad still happened. I don't count that as a "mistake"--it made sense at the time, and lacking a crystal ball, I bought a house that had a hidden hazard. Theres's really nothing I could have done differently. So it helps (helps me, anyway) to know that some things will turn out especially good or especially bad, without my being able to take the blame (or the credit).

It helps me to think in terms of doing "the next right thing" and letting go of the outcome.

FireSprite

I conquer my fear with faith, but it took me years to get to that point because I had to trust myself again first.

Trust in any relationship is built slowly & I had let myself down/had a lot to prove to Me. I also had to let go of expecting perfection - Fear was telling me that I couldn't make a mistake & THAT'S perfectionism at work right there. It took a while to connect those dots. I had to trust that I could & WOULD make mistakes; I am HUMAN.

I had to respect that if I was doing the best I could with what I had & what I knew at every turn OR that if I wasn't doing my best, I was at least owning it instead of lying to myself & others around me - then that was as much as was Reasonable to Expect from myself. I can only ever control what I put out there, not what it manifests (not completely), not how others perceive it.

And to be fair - stepping back also let me just observe Life Happening & realize that, you know what? Things very often had a way of working out & that, HA!, I was wrong a lot of the time about what I had thought the "right" solution was......



2 years ago I fought HARD to get DD on the list for the "right" middle school in our district. She was sick over not getting it as her 1st assignment (all her friends were going to be there as well) & based on what we knew about it & the other schools in our area, we felt informed enough to say that it was the Best Place For Her.

She never got in despite being only 6th on the waiting list & within weeks we were SO happy that it had turned out that way. A lot had happened at the competing school that offered similar programs - in fact, they now offered MORE & she "ended up" in a lot of great programs & opportunities. A friend that had "gotten in" at the other school was miserable - a lot had changed there too & not for the good.

We come back to this example a lot when DD is feeling this way because she was 1000% convinced that she "knew" how this was going to play out & the exact opposite happened instead.... but there was no way we could've known that at the time - NO WAY!

Sunshine1234

I have suffered with anxiety for a long time and it's at a high now with my separation in full effect. Also, being a mom has brought on more anxiety as I'm constantly worrying about my kids and their overall well being...which I'm sure most moms do. I tend to always think worse case scenario and drive my self crazy with the "what ifs". When I separated from my STBXAH I started seeing a therapist and she helps a great deal by having me talk out my fears and making a "what's the worst that could happen" scenario about specific things I obsess over. There are lots of things that I tend to worry about and she always reminds me that the outcome I'm assuming is going to happen has not happened yet and may never. There is no reason to worry over things that are out of my control and outcomes that may never even happen. Sometimes this is easier said than done, but I work on it daily.

Ariesagain

Funny you should write this...I struggle with the same things. I don't have much confidence in my judgment AT ALL, despite all evidence to the contrary. I'm a perfectionist on top of it, so it's so so stressful especially when right now we're trying to move across the country and are dealing with my elderly parents long distance. Every decision feels like life or death.

This afternoon I got so tired of all the worry and what-if-ing that I tackled my expensive dining room table. It's been two inches too high since we bought it ten years ago and I'm so sick of having my chin in my food. I took the legs off one by one, marched them down to the saw and cut them off, and I was literally sweating with fear that I would ruin it. Worked out fine, but it was absurd how scared I was. It's my table...I can wreck it if I want to!

What I'm trying to say is that I get it, I really do. I do a lot of aerobic exercise. I try to distract myself. I do stretching and yoga. I eat healthy. I avoid caffeine. But then at three a.m. I find myself projecting 20 years out to the future in which my husband has died, the money is gone, and I break my leg and starve to death because no one finds me.

Sending you a hug from a fellow sufferer.

dandylion

Wisconsin...when I start thinking of worst case scenarios...like at 3:00AM...when all the worst monsters come out in the dark...I tell myself to STOP it...and initiate another part of my Brain. I switch to something that has a pleasant overtone (for me)....that takes DETAILED focus.....like--mentally planning an incredibly beautiful landscape design with perennials...or, say, a perfect menu for a large party....or construct a perfect after school program for at risk youth.....
Something creative!....that takes it from primarily the left hemisphere to the right hemisphere.....and, that seems to work, every time for me.

During the daytime ebbie jeebies....I find that staying in the PRESENT keeps me from straying outside the pasture....If I can't focus on something that already happened (the past)....OR...something that might happen (the future)...it keeps me in the present...and doing the next right thing....

Have you tried those beautiful adult coloring books?

LexieCat

Something I like to do, myself, is to re-live spectacular things I've accomplished in my life (I've actually had a few). Things that PROVE to myself that I am intelligent and competent, and then reason that it's unlikely I've lost all command of my intelligence since whatever-it-is came along.

IOW, play out things that BUILD confidence. I am POSITIVE that you have similar successes you can draw on in those moments of panicky indecision.

firebolt

You and I share some musical taste, and if you are anything like me....and Dean Winchester....

honeypig

Other folks have covered a lot of the bases, but I'd like to mention the fact that there might be a physical cause for at least part of your anxiety. I had a lot of trouble with anxiety starting in my early 20s. When I was finally diagnosed as hypothyroid in my early 40s and started on replacement meds, I felt a LOT better.

There is a lot of reading available both in the library and online about thyroid issues (and no, it's generally not as simple as most docs make it out to be...).

And certainly there could be other physical causes that might be worth looking into--even food sensitivities can cause psychological ripples, such as sensitivity to artificial sweeteners.

I know you're busy and your hands are full, so taking time to dig into this is probably the last thing you want to do, but in my experience, it was definitely part of the puzzle.

Hoping you feel better soon!

sauerkraut

One trick that helps me is something I learned from a meditation class. The teacher said to imagine yourself floating in the sea, being buoyed up by warm water, and then to think of that warm supportive water as all of the people who care about and support you, holding you up.

Helps me sleep, and it helps me whenever I'm walking into a stressful situation, too.

Nata1980

Gosh, YES!

Gotten so much worse with single parenting, getting all kinds of fears about DS, house, burglars, being fired.

All of those are unfounded and stupid.

XAH, with all his faults, still was a perceived "cushion" and "protector", while in reality probably one significant danger to us

LordChallen

I'm probably sounding like a broken record by now, but hey, I'm having fun.

Excessive fear is a disease. I shan't be shy about it, but living with an alcoholic becomes a disease too.

Basic principle of the mind is "Act, observe feedback, react, rinse, and repeat."

When something happens, the mind creates a messenger to carry a message. Just like computer networking, it looks for the "return bit" so to speak for validation that the message was received.

If we don't process the messages, then we never send the "got the message" back to the sender. And so the message is sent again, and again, until we are completely freaked out over nothing. If the answer is, "I don't know what to do" the message was basically unresolved.

We have to process the messages, process the fear. In other words, we have to address each message.

Children with OCD can get caught up in worry like, "did I lock the front door, did I brush my teeth, did I pick my nose with the left hand, did I wipe with that hand, etc."

The only known solution for this sort of thing is address the worry straight on. With children with disorders like OCD there might actually be a brain malfunction, like some mild form of brain damage. But the principle is basically the same with adults. The mind creates damage with unaddressed fears.

With kids, we teach them "boss back talk." We give their "worrier" as name like, "the worry brain, the worrier, freaky frank, or whatever. Question and 'challen'ge the worries like, "I've checked the door 5 times now and how many times has it actually been unlocked?"

With adults, we ain't perfect. None of us. . . . well, except maybe me. But we are going to screw up sometimes. Everyone does. We do the best we can. What are the odds you will screw more than another parent? Say maybe 1 in 1000. Most parents do pretty good and the ones aren't usually aren't trying.

But, anxiety is a disease. If you weren't exactly born with it, like some people, than it has developed. The cure, in my humble opinion, process your fear by talking to friends, or perfect strangers on sites like this. "Get the message" and send "resolutions." Even if the fear is, "what if all hell backs loose?" and your best response is "I'll do the best I can" the anxiety will begin to subside. The answer to your fear doesn't always have to be a good answer, but it needs an answer.

dandylion

Nata...to me, I don't think that your fears about DS, house, burglars, and being fired, are "unfounded and stupid"......

I have been a single parent of three young children....and all of these areas were of concern for me. Because we are responsible for the safety and nurturance of these young ones (and ourselves)...the reality of the tasks, naturally, are part of our consciousness.

I can relate to the feeling of illusion that you speak of....
I always felt "safer' when my husband was in the house, at night. A big strong man to protect me....right?.....LOL...the reality was that he slept as if in a coma. What good is an unconscious person in a crisis? In reality, the German Shepard was a much better warning system and help...the dog was better than the man, for these matters!

53500

This is SO true! The effect of most mistakes is temporary.

Also, anticipation of something bad is often far worse than the actual bad thing even if it happens, and often it doesn't.

A few months ago, just before I was about to leave on a 2 week vacation, I had an issue with a coworker. I could've talked to her just before the trip but I was pissed off and didn't. All through the trip I worried about this situation, how I should deal with it, how she'd react. When I returned I talked with her and everything was fine. I put myself through a lot of stress and worry and nervous anticipation for nothing.

HappyPoppy

Everyone faces fear. Courage means acting in spite of the fear. All of these feelings are normal and acceptable. If we only felt happy and fearless, then we would be drawing with only half the colors in the rainbow. To be whole means to feel all the feelings. If they weren't meant to be felt, we wouldn't have the ability to feel them.

What has helped me is to not fight the darker emotions. Let them pass over you like a wave until it passes. Don't attach a negative connotation to your feelings of fear and anxiety. We can't have happy feelings without the bad. Otherwise, we would be one-dimensional boring robots.

HappyPoppy

Oh, and a quote that helped me with my excessive worrying:

"Worrying is using your imagination to create things that you don't want."

That usually helps me stop when I'm creating worse case scenarios in my head.

caretaker88

OT.... I just tried this! Did it make anyone else feel like they were going to pee their pants???? Something about the warm water and relaxation. LOL!!!

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, WI. I go through periods of having a hard time getting out analysis-paralysis. A few times, I've just had to tell myself to just take a deep breath, pick one option and go; it'll work itself out. Typically, it's "easier" to make myself do that when I know I've already researched the options (usually quite extensively). And other times, it's just a case of acting as if I already know it's OK.

Sauerkraut's and Ardy's posts remind me of a quote that I love:

With all that support, how could things not work out eventually? ((((hugs))))