My alcoholic boyfriend changed and left me
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Plainfield
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My alcoholic boyfriend changed and left me
My boyfriend had stopped drinking for about 7 months and then started drinking again and drinks every night (6 or 7) beers and tries to claim he isn't drunk. But yesterday morning when he was sober he sat me down and told me he still loves me but he needs to be happy. He isn't in love with me anymore and doesnt want to be in a relationship with anyone.
He said that my needs are reasonable but are too much for him to give. That he didn't see the pattern until he was with me that things get less and less important for him as time goes on. But the thing is he was fine until he picked up that damn bottle again. I used to be amazing and the best girlfriend...now I feel completely worthless.
I keep thinking maybe if I didn't complain or if I just let things be and didn't open my mouth we wouldn't have argued, he wouldn't have felt smothered and things would be different.
I don't know how to be ok anymore. My world is turned upside down.
He said that my needs are reasonable but are too much for him to give. That he didn't see the pattern until he was with me that things get less and less important for him as time goes on. But the thing is he was fine until he picked up that damn bottle again. I used to be amazing and the best girlfriend...now I feel completely worthless.
I keep thinking maybe if I didn't complain or if I just let things be and didn't open my mouth we wouldn't have argued, he wouldn't have felt smothered and things would be different.
I don't know how to be ok anymore. My world is turned upside down.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
It appears that for now at least, your boyfriend is married to the bottle.
That makes for any relationship between the two of you next to impossible,
if you are looking for a healthy relationship.
Remember, that is what you need and deserve.
Mountainmanbob
That makes for any relationship between the two of you next to impossible,
if you are looking for a healthy relationship.
Remember, that is what you need and deserve.
Mountainmanbob
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You think the ANSWER would have been for him to be happy, and you to be miserable?
Look, I've been sober for eight years (today--it's nice not to have to put that "almost" in front of "eight years"), and I can tell you that no active alcoholic is going to be satisfied in a relationship with someone who doesn't support his/her drinking.
It has nothing to do with you as a girlfriend--it has everything (as bob pointed out above) to do with HIS relationship with alcohol.
My suggestion is that you let him, and the relationship, go. Maybe someday he will get well--you can hope and pray that he does--but I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for it to happen.
Breakups hurt, no matter what the cause. For the time being, he's right. He can't be happy in that relationship right now, and neither can you. Just not possible.
Hugs, let yourself work through the grief, and it will get better. Promise.
Look, I've been sober for eight years (today--it's nice not to have to put that "almost" in front of "eight years"), and I can tell you that no active alcoholic is going to be satisfied in a relationship with someone who doesn't support his/her drinking.
It has nothing to do with you as a girlfriend--it has everything (as bob pointed out above) to do with HIS relationship with alcohol.
My suggestion is that you let him, and the relationship, go. Maybe someday he will get well--you can hope and pray that he does--but I certainly wouldn't be waiting around for it to happen.
Breakups hurt, no matter what the cause. For the time being, he's right. He can't be happy in that relationship right now, and neither can you. Just not possible.
Hugs, let yourself work through the grief, and it will get better. Promise.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
It's not you, it's the booze. That's the only relationship that matters to him while he's actively drinking.
In a way, he's doing you a big favor by setting you free, but it's hard to see that right now. But you will look back later and be glad it's over.
Sending you a hug.
In a way, he's doing you a big favor by setting you free, but it's hard to see that right now. But you will look back later and be glad it's over.
Sending you a hug.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
boxerChick...there is a saying that just because someone else doesn't see your value...does not in any way diminish your value....
Your true value is not based on something as unreliable and flimsy as someone else's opinion....
Your value is established because you are a child of the Universe!
I hope you keep reading here..and learning....especially, reading the stickies at the top of the main page.
One important thing that you will learn is that alcoholics are famous for taking in a relationship...but, when called on to be responsible back...they simply can't/won't do it....
Your true value is not based on something as unreliable and flimsy as someone else's opinion....
Your value is established because you are a child of the Universe!
I hope you keep reading here..and learning....especially, reading the stickies at the top of the main page.
One important thing that you will learn is that alcoholics are famous for taking in a relationship...but, when called on to be responsible back...they simply can't/won't do it....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi Boxerchick,
I'm so sorry to hear the pain you're in right now. Break ups are hard , and it really sounds like your confidence has taken a bashing, and your world has turned upside down. And now you're starting to wonder if you could have done things differently.
But from what you've written, it sounds like you've done everything right. It sounds like you were setting boundaries. Making it clear that you didn't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. I assume that's what the complaints and arguments were about.
When you've had a chance to read some of the stories on here, you'll begin to see that, as others have said, your boyfriend has done you a favour. He doesn't want someone setting boundaries for him. He wants someone to make his drinking as easy as possible. You'll see terms like "enabling" and "codependent" a lot. That's the kind of girlfriend he wants right now. You say you feel worthless right now, but I would say that you've shown how strong you are, standing up for your beliefs. Good for you. You deserve someone who will respect that, and value you for it.
I hope some day your boyfriend will realise what he's already lost through drinking and will choose sobriety, but you have no control over that, sadly, and it could be many, many years, if ever, before he chooses to do that.
I'm so sorry to hear the pain you're in right now. Break ups are hard , and it really sounds like your confidence has taken a bashing, and your world has turned upside down. And now you're starting to wonder if you could have done things differently.
But from what you've written, it sounds like you've done everything right. It sounds like you were setting boundaries. Making it clear that you didn't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. I assume that's what the complaints and arguments were about.
When you've had a chance to read some of the stories on here, you'll begin to see that, as others have said, your boyfriend has done you a favour. He doesn't want someone setting boundaries for him. He wants someone to make his drinking as easy as possible. You'll see terms like "enabling" and "codependent" a lot. That's the kind of girlfriend he wants right now. You say you feel worthless right now, but I would say that you've shown how strong you are, standing up for your beliefs. Good for you. You deserve someone who will respect that, and value you for it.
I hope some day your boyfriend will realise what he's already lost through drinking and will choose sobriety, but you have no control over that, sadly, and it could be many, many years, if ever, before he chooses to do that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I'm sorry for your pain - but mark my words, there will come a time, probably not so far into the future, when you come to the realization that this is a blessing - and that he did you a favor. It just doesn't seem like it now.
COD
COD
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
The Marriage Builders site has an article that seems relevant here. Part of it reads ...
The full article is here ...
Alcoholic Spouse #1
Alcohol addiction is a clear example of what I call a Love Buster because it causes so much suffering in marriage. Besides being physically and emotionally harmful to alcoholics themselves, addiction is also harmful to those whose lives touch them. Addiction makes people insensitive to the feelings of those who care most for them, and they will stop at nothing to feed their addiction. I am witness to many people whose lives have been ruined because they married alcoholics. ...
One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.
My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.
That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.
But even after sobriety is achieved, it's an uphill battle for the couple. The spouses of alcoholics are usually so relieved when treatment is successful that they often think their marital troubles are over. It's true, addiction makes it impossible to resolve marital conflicts. But sobriety itself doesn't solve them -- it simply makes them solvable. ...
Some people wonder if they are really alcoholics. They may not go to bars, and they may not even get drunk very often. What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse.
One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.
My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.
That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.
But even after sobriety is achieved, it's an uphill battle for the couple. The spouses of alcoholics are usually so relieved when treatment is successful that they often think their marital troubles are over. It's true, addiction makes it impossible to resolve marital conflicts. But sobriety itself doesn't solve them -- it simply makes them solvable. ...
Some people wonder if they are really alcoholics. They may not go to bars, and they may not even get drunk very often. What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse.
Alcoholic Spouse #1
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad 
I'm sorry for your pain - but mark my words, there will come a time, probably not so far into the future, when you come to the realization that this is a blessing - and that he did you a favor. It just doesn't seem like it now.
COD
COD
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