Some days I just want to tell him what I think.....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Some days I just want to tell him what I think.....
I want to tell him I'm so disappointed at the promises he made to quit drinking. I'm so sad that he lied to me and was hiding his drinking and was pretending to be together so we could spend time together. I'm so sad that when I finally brought it up he just quit having any contact with me and told me I was a terrible superficial person. He actually told me I wasn't aging well and my body was not that great so I should do something about - it might be hard for me to find someone else. I'm also sad that I think this behavior towards me is ok and I tolerate it. What does that say about me? I have a great life - my oldest son is getting married in May and all the parties are starting up and I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family but obviously I'm not right.
I wanted to text or call him but instead I came here I look back at my posts from 2007 that's nine damn years ago granted he has not lived in my house for probably the past two or three years but I've still been doing stuff with him and in his life. I guess I'm making progress slowly but dont have the guts to divorce yet. I need to. When I see other couples out together I wonder what it would be like to have someone to do things with. I want that. Thank you for listening
I wanted to text or call him but instead I came here I look back at my posts from 2007 that's nine damn years ago granted he has not lived in my house for probably the past two or three years but I've still been doing stuff with him and in his life. I guess I'm making progress slowly but dont have the guts to divorce yet. I need to. When I see other couples out together I wonder what it would be like to have someone to do things with. I want that. Thank you for listening
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Originally Posted by Redheadsusie 
I'm so sad that when I finally brought it up he just quit having any contact with me and told me I was a terrible superficial person. He actually told me I wasn't aging well and my body was not that great so I should do something about...
What.a.miserable.jerk.
Move on...easier said than done, I know, but better to be alone than waste another single second on someone like that.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 29
Part of this disease is how the consciousness processes feedback.
Drinking is a coping mechanism that becomes symbiotic with the chemical reaction of alcohol. But the reason some people can drink and others can't is how they process feedback from the world around them.
The reason AA works is because it implements mental and emotion tools to process events. The mind is wonderfully complex and yet childishly simple. It can adapt to almost any situation, but once rules of engagement are made and agreed upon the mind will follow those rules.
As a culture, we have ideas of right and wrong, of good and evil. If a person does something wrong, the mind knows and it tries to inform the individual. If said individual refuses to listen and blocks that message that he/she is hurting or has hurt someone, then it tries again. . . . and again, again, and so on.
Eventually the message is so strong that mind numbing agents are needed to block the message. The pain and fear, and god forbid, fear of the pain become an obsession and the only way to block it out is to numb the mind.
AA helps people in recovery to process fear, wrong doing, and to find humility. But. . . . unless an alcoholic is in active recovery, there is no other known method of handling those feelings. Meds are just doing the job of alcohol and will eventually fail.
Alcoholics are not bad people, just stuck in a vicious cycle of denial of wrong doing, and denial that they themselves are hurting.
Many of us have quirks of our own. I don't suggest that people stay in painful situations. But as one that tried to run from the pain, I'm going to say you don't get far. Without the personality and strength to stand against this disease, the symptoms can find you anywhere.
My advice is to get to alanon and learn what this disease and how it touches more than you might have even imagined. Even "dry drunks" have these symptoms and the curse of this disease is that you are statistically destined to find another drunk and not know it.
But. . . . ., I hate to see love die. If you have it, well, only you know its worth. But . . . .I am going to say, the chances of "abandoning this disease" are statistically against you. As one that goes to alanon, almost 75% of our members tell the story that they left one drunk for another.
Drinking is a coping mechanism that becomes symbiotic with the chemical reaction of alcohol. But the reason some people can drink and others can't is how they process feedback from the world around them.
The reason AA works is because it implements mental and emotion tools to process events. The mind is wonderfully complex and yet childishly simple. It can adapt to almost any situation, but once rules of engagement are made and agreed upon the mind will follow those rules.
As a culture, we have ideas of right and wrong, of good and evil. If a person does something wrong, the mind knows and it tries to inform the individual. If said individual refuses to listen and blocks that message that he/she is hurting or has hurt someone, then it tries again. . . . and again, again, and so on.
Eventually the message is so strong that mind numbing agents are needed to block the message. The pain and fear, and god forbid, fear of the pain become an obsession and the only way to block it out is to numb the mind.
AA helps people in recovery to process fear, wrong doing, and to find humility. But. . . . unless an alcoholic is in active recovery, there is no other known method of handling those feelings. Meds are just doing the job of alcohol and will eventually fail.
Alcoholics are not bad people, just stuck in a vicious cycle of denial of wrong doing, and denial that they themselves are hurting.
Many of us have quirks of our own. I don't suggest that people stay in painful situations. But as one that tried to run from the pain, I'm going to say you don't get far. Without the personality and strength to stand against this disease, the symptoms can find you anywhere.
My advice is to get to alanon and learn what this disease and how it touches more than you might have even imagined. Even "dry drunks" have these symptoms and the curse of this disease is that you are statistically destined to find another drunk and not know it.
But. . . . ., I hate to see love die. If you have it, well, only you know its worth. But . . . .I am going to say, the chances of "abandoning this disease" are statistically against you. As one that goes to alanon, almost 75% of our members tell the story that they left one drunk for another.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Try to think like this. Think of the most valuable thing in your life, something that is almost sacred to you, something you would stand up and fight for till your last breath. You do not have to tell anyone what it is, just think about it. Now, imagine someone endangers "your precious."
Alcoholics can turn into little beasts when their precious is endangered. My husband and my marriage were holy to me. Alcohol was/is holy to my ex husband. Once I endangered his precious, uh oh. I always say, I filed for divorce, but he was the one who left me first.
And I still feel less lonely living alone.
Alcoholics can turn into little beasts when their precious is endangered. My husband and my marriage were holy to me. Alcohol was/is holy to my ex husband. Once I endangered his precious, uh oh. I always say, I filed for divorce, but he was the one who left me first.
And I still feel less lonely living alone.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RedHeadSuzie.....you can't have room for a new person in your life while he is still occupying your mind.
About the physical thing....I found it beneficial to make mental lists of his shortcomings...so that he was removed from the "mental pedestal" that he had occupied....(we tend to over value the words of those that we have put o n a pedestal)..
After my very painful break-up, many years ago, I confess that I drew great comfort from these thoughts and wishes....
1. That he would develop male-pattern baldness at the beginning of middle age.. (he had long curly locks)..
2. That he would develop a redundant, over-lapping abdomen..
3. That he would develop severe sexual dysfunction (ED)....accompanied by plummeting testosterone levels.
for those things that you long to say to him...I got great relief from that by doing the "Wailing Wall" exercise......
dandylion
About the physical thing....I found it beneficial to make mental lists of his shortcomings...so that he was removed from the "mental pedestal" that he had occupied....(we tend to over value the words of those that we have put o n a pedestal)..
After my very painful break-up, many years ago, I confess that I drew great comfort from these thoughts and wishes....
1. That he would develop male-pattern baldness at the beginning of middle age.. (he had long curly locks)..
2. That he would develop a redundant, over-lapping abdomen..
3. That he would develop severe sexual dysfunction (ED)....accompanied by plummeting testosterone levels.
for those things that you long to say to him...I got great relief from that by doing the "Wailing Wall" exercise......
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Redheadsusie
Didn't do anything stupid - spent the day with my sister - my beloved golden doodle and just walked 2 miles. SO grateful for all of your responses. You guys rock! Now to watch mindless tv!
Those cravings can be so strong and it truly would be a trip to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. From what you described, this guy is too diseased to be able to offer you the compassion for your suffering that you crave.
Snuggle with that dog, go for a walk, call a girl friend . . . oh . . .er . . .you already did all that. . . . You have so completely got this lady!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
At some point, and this has been going on several years, you just have to stop. You keep trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat with him, he is no silky rabbit - he is a drunk.
About every couple of months you come back, and you are in the same place. Disgusted, yet still hanging out with him. You are looking for validation from him which you will NOT get. He demeans you, criticizes you, and makes you miserable. You went to the extent to separate - yet you still hang out with him. Seems to me he has the best of both worlds, as I recall he is living with his parents (blech very unappealing) and doing whatever he wants.
Why won't you divorce him? Why do you spend time with him?
Do you think that this is the best you can do? Honestly, it would be preferable to be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel bad about myself. That is a big part of the problem here. He has eroded your self confidence to the point that you would accept his sh!t sandwich for dinner rather than go make your own ham and cheese. The longer you give him the opportunity to waste your time the worse you will feel about yourself. Its really a catch 22, you can't move on, yet you don't enjoy where you are.
I really wouldn't give any validity to anything that comes out of his mouth about anything, but especially about you. If you are so unappealing why is HE hanging out with YOU? The truth is HE is unappealing. If he is so dang fabulous where are all the women swarming to have his attention? The only one it sounds like who is is YOU. Yet he has made it clear you are sub-par in his eyes (when the truth is he is desperate to keep you in the capacity in which you continue to relate). Its a great methodology to keep someone around. Typical alcoholic antics.
Please stop allowing this man your mind space. You really need to go no contact with him. Its way past time to file for divorce. You deserve a happy life, not some sad drunk living with his mommy and daddy who causes you nothing but grief.
About every couple of months you come back, and you are in the same place. Disgusted, yet still hanging out with him. You are looking for validation from him which you will NOT get. He demeans you, criticizes you, and makes you miserable. You went to the extent to separate - yet you still hang out with him. Seems to me he has the best of both worlds, as I recall he is living with his parents (blech very unappealing) and doing whatever he wants.
Why won't you divorce him? Why do you spend time with him?
Do you think that this is the best you can do? Honestly, it would be preferable to be alone than to be with someone who makes me feel bad about myself. That is a big part of the problem here. He has eroded your self confidence to the point that you would accept his sh!t sandwich for dinner rather than go make your own ham and cheese. The longer you give him the opportunity to waste your time the worse you will feel about yourself. Its really a catch 22, you can't move on, yet you don't enjoy where you are.
I really wouldn't give any validity to anything that comes out of his mouth about anything, but especially about you. If you are so unappealing why is HE hanging out with YOU? The truth is HE is unappealing. If he is so dang fabulous where are all the women swarming to have his attention? The only one it sounds like who is is YOU. Yet he has made it clear you are sub-par in his eyes (when the truth is he is desperate to keep you in the capacity in which you continue to relate). Its a great methodology to keep someone around. Typical alcoholic antics.
Please stop allowing this man your mind space. You really need to go no contact with him. Its way past time to file for divorce. You deserve a happy life, not some sad drunk living with his mommy and daddy who causes you nothing but grief.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Redatlanta you are correct - in every way.. I am a hot mess and need to get my **** straight. I appreciate the truth - honestly - I need to hear it. Feeling grateful I am, Redheadsusie - the part about the sh*t sandwich made me laugh too.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by Redheadsusie
I want to tell him I'm so disappointed at the promises he made to quit drinking. I'm so sad that he lied to me and was hiding his drinking and was pretending to be together so we could spend time together. I'm so sad that when I finally brought it up he just quit having any contact with me and told me I was a terrible superficial person. He actually told me I wasn't aging well and my body was not that great so I should do something about - it might be hard for me to find someone else. I'm also sad that I think this behavior towards me is ok and I tolerate it. What does that say about me? I have a great life - my oldest son is getting married in May and all the parties are starting up and I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family but obviously I'm not right.
I wanted to text or call him but instead I came here I look back at my posts from 2007 that's nine damn years ago granted he has not lived in my house for probably the past two or three years but I've still been doing stuff with him and in his life. I guess I'm making progress slowly but dont have the guts to divorce yet. I need to. When I see other couples out together I wonder what it would be like to have someone to do things with. I want that. Thank you for listening
I wanted to text or call him but instead I came here I look back at my posts from 2007 that's nine damn years ago granted he has not lived in my house for probably the past two or three years but I've still been doing stuff with him and in his life. I guess I'm making progress slowly but dont have the guts to divorce yet. I need to. When I see other couples out together I wonder what it would be like to have someone to do things with. I want that. Thank you for listening
Be strong, if it's meant to happen love will conquer all. If not, live your life!!
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