Need advice
 

Hi all. I need some advice and don't know where to get it. I've been with my AH 23 years. He's 56 and was able to retire at 45. He has no legitimate reason to live and be as miserable as he is. He is drunk every day and night. He has ongoing uncontrollable drunken rages every 3 months or so, all directed at me. He's been arrested once for domestic violence, and has had 2 DUI's. He will not and has not driven drunk since his 2nd DUI about 8 years ago. He has no friends, no social life and no interests. He will go on binges that last 2 - 3 weeks. Get drunk, scream, yell, break things, pass out, get up and do it all over again. Usually without eating anything during this time. He has NO self esteem and is convinced no one loves him. After this last binge in September, I believe he realizes that I've been pushed beyond my limit with the uncontrollable rages. I've learned to live with the daily drunkenness and although it makes for an uncomfortable home life, I'm quite happy when he's alseep. However, I seem to be getting to the point where the rages are not acceptable to me anymore. I know that sounds stupid. What healthy person would live like this? What is bothering me now is not thinking about how to get myself out of this situation, but is there anything I could do to try and help him. He gets very arguementative and thinks I am trying to control him when I offer suggestions for help. He seems to be deteriorating mentally. Twice within the last 2 weeks he has acted drunk when he hasn't been. Has said and done things he normally won't say or do unless he's drunk. He even had that 'drunk and disgusting' look on his face while sober. Now he is severly depressed and has intimated suicide twice within the last month (while drunk). Which he will deny when sober. He seems to be spiralling down and I am the only one that knows how bad this situation is. Last week he did make up his mind to go to AA, didn't go, and lasts nights rant was about how HE always has to be the one that changes, and he is just tired of trying to change his personality to please everyone else. Just another 'poor, poor me' rant. I am now looking at him not as a failure as a husband, but as another human being that really needs some help. He is truly miserable. I am a firm believer that forcing someone to do something isn't helpful, but then I remember that if your 2 year old is heading for the street, you don't stand by, watch and do nothing. I just don't know what direction to go in. Is it possible to help someone in this situation? There are some things I cannot do, such as have him carted off to the hospital to dry out. I would never hear the end of it, NEVER, and it's possible he would get violent. His family would be of no help. I guess I'm hoping to hear from someone that can give me some direction, I know that's asking for a lot. Thank you.

Wanttobe,

I'm glad you are here. When I read the posts there are so many folks out there in the same situation that I am. I believe you will see the same. You're right that we can't make anyone do anything - we didn't cause it, can't control and surely can't cure it. These are adults, although they may be emotionally stunted, they are still adults that should be accountable for their actions just as we are accountable for ours. They aren't children, no matter how much they may act like them. And we are not abandoning them when we say - enough is enough. Rather we are applying "self care" to the only person that we can truly care for - ourselves.


You aren't stupid - Lorelai who posts here has a signature that says it all for me - "You did what you knew how to do, and when you knew better you did better..."

Safety is our first priority for ourselves and I hope you will ensure that you have this - today. I am thinking about you and have you in my prayers today.

One day/hour/minute at a time is the best plan for us to follow.

Peace,
Petunia

Petunia, you are very wise. Thank you, you just can't imagine how you've helped. I feel more peaceful, thank you.

((((wtbf)))))

Have you ever tried alanon meetings? They help so much. They teach you how to make good choices in your daily life. Look them up in your local phone book and give them a call. Someone may even stop by here with a link for you too.

When I first met my husband he would get phone calls from his sisters and brothers about his dad. They had him put away to dry out several times. He finally quit drinking several years before he died. It was not alcohol that got him. He got lung cancer from smoking and continued to smoke till he died. The alcohol had ruined his marriage and about destoryed his kids, and one day he just gave that up. I am not sure about his mind. He never seemed right to me, but I am not sure how right he was when he was young either. I hope you get some answers. Stay safe! ((((Wanttobefree))))

He is not a two-year-old headed for the street.
He is a grown man who needs to make his own decisions.
I think we Codies fall into our trap when we think about these people as helpless children who need our aid and protection.
Forcing him to do anything won't work.
He has to want recovery for recovery to work.
Try to focus on what you can do for yourself.

Wanttobe,

I too am glad you are here. You say he won't drink and drive after two DUI's? Well that proves he has some sense and some respect for the law. Good for him on that one.

It sounds like it is the rages that most concern you. Why not call the police? If he gets violent after, call them again and again. I love my husband dearly (he drinks daily) but that is something I simply would not tolerate. If his basic common sense has kept him from driving while drunk, who knows, the fear of legal intervention might keep him from raging while drunk too.

I had to call the police on my own son and all they did was make him leave for a cooling off period. They didn't put him in jail..but you never know.

Action speaks a whole lot louder than words.
JT