Splash29

My XABF is telling mutual friends he was only "that bad for the last two weeks" before I moved out. If he means he was only going on benders the last two weeks, sure thats true, but he certainly was drinking in secret much longer! Like the time in December when I came home from work at 5pm and asked him to help me get things out of my car and he was so drunk he fell over in our apartment parking lot! That was 8 months ago. Yeah.

Hes apparently really really angry with me that I told his parents he was in rehab, but I have no regrets. He was threatening suicide (I didn't even tell them that part) and felt if I was moving out they needed to know where he was and the TRUE story. And now he is just lying to everyone and making his own spin on things which I expected him to do. To rationalize his drinking and make me look like the bad guy.

I'm just so angry at him for being angry at me!!! Like I put so much into our relationship for a year and a half! I moved my entire life 40 minutes away from my family, my job, my friends to live with him. I helped him clean up his stupid apartment. I put so much effort into our relationship and hes telling people he never even felt like I loved him!?@??? Like are you ******* kidding me?

Whats worse is I left a box of photo albums that I forgot while I was I moving out. And at some point I need them back. I'm going to wait maybe a month or two or maybe send someone else to get them.

We dated for a year and a half and my friends keep telling me to call him for "closure", but I worry its just going to be more manipulative/self-pity quaking from him that is just going to upset me.

Ariesagain

First, these mutual "friends" who are telling you what he's telling "people"? Block them...they're not your friends if they're passing along his garbage talk. They're just drama-stirring.

Second, there is no closure with an active alcoholic, so those friends are dead wrong and your instincts are 100% right.

No contact with him and no contact with the gossips is the fastest road to healing.

Sending you a hug.

Lobrien

I understand how you feel having put a lot into a relationship with an alcoholic for the last 2 years. I don't think we can get closure with them , as I tried that as he left me so hurt after I helped him so much with his breakdowns and suicidal threats. He was and is manipulative and I don't believe he can behave any differently, just tries to blame others for everything and takes no responsibility whatsoever.
You may want to try and get closure but I'm guessing he will try to suck you in again. This relationship has left me depressed and anxious , angry,confused and heartbroken. I know I am best away from him, I hate the fact I was so naive and let him manipulate me so much!
I hope you start to be able to rebuild your life as I appreciate the difficulty you've been through.

maia1234

Vent away my friend!! You have a lot to be angry about. Just don't call him.

No new contact is the only true way to end a relationship with an addict. I finally accepted that 1 1/2 years After my divorce. I kept hanging on for some strange reason. Now I have been no contact after June 16 and I feel so at peace.

Hang in there my friend, you are finally on the path to healing.

Splash29

i really think my friend was trying to be helpful giving me "updates" on the situation. Not realizing I just don't want to know.

I'm also angry at myself, because hearing that he is doing well at out-patient rehab makes me think I made a mistake moving out. I little part of me want him back and all because he is making an effort. But its just stupid hes like 3-weeks sober! UGH

I'm driving myself CRAZY! I keep running down a mental list of every time I caught him getting drunk trying to decide if he is really an alcoholic. Did anyone else do this? Even though I know the answer. I knew the answer even before I moved in. His words when I moved in were, "Im looking forward to you moving in, because it will help me drinkless." And yet my brain/heart keeps trying to rationalize that I should be with this jerk.

dandylion

sulfuricsplash.....I would say that you are feeling is pretty normal for this stage of the process.
It takes time to completely sever the emotional bonds and to navigate through the grieving process. The whole thing takes about a year or so, before you begin to see the whole thing in your rear view mirror---more in the past than "present time" pain.
At first, especially, it feels like kaleidoscope of rapidly cycling emotions....and the pain can be I ntense and frightening, at times.

Just know that this is normal and won't always be like this.....it will get better, by degrees, over time......

Just don't give up and keep looking forward to the better days that are to come.....

Wells

Absolutely normal. Much like the alcoholic continues to convince themselves that the drinking is not an issue, you start to convince yourself and reason with yourself that the alcoholic was not the issue. Different issues, same type of compulsion. I've done this myself, many times over the years.

Eventually you just have enough of living with the constant stress, drama and uncertainty that comes with someone with active alcoholism and the bad outweighs the good and that's when you realize you can't deal with it any more.

For some people, this takes years or a lifetime. I read once somewhere that "normal" people will immediately eject someone with a substance problem out of their life as soon as they realize it, before they even get involved. For those of us who see it early and choose to stay, we're a different type of personality who allows this into our lives, thus, different circumstances and a lot of difficulty letting go of it.

So, what is happening with you is normal for us!

Nata1980

Yeah, I am having one of those days myself. Had a dream about XAH that he was "normal" again and I was (in a dream) regretting filing for divorce. Woke up in tears. He called DS on Tuesday, was supposed to call on Thursday, he did not (must have gotten finalized divorce papers). Sent an e-mail about arranging visit in Labor Day, I requested he sent me "itenerary" with who is supervising when, I am yet to get anything:

I found myself looking through e-mail to see if he sent anything. Time to pull out the "why I divorced him" list.

Ugh....

tomsteve

"We dated for a year and a half and my friends keep telling me to call him for "closure""
is that closure for you or him?
either way,yer friends are ignorant on relationships with alcoholics.

LexieCat

Calling him would NOT give you closure. If you think you're confused now, I can tell you it would be ten times worse if you talk to him. You would be even angrier or feeling sorry for him or some other useless emotion.

Just remember, he HAS to paint you as the bad guy to save face with his family and friends. You know the truth--what he says doesn't matter. It affects you EXACTLY to the extent you ALLOW it to.

I'd suggest finding something else to do/think about it. I'm sorting clothes today. I've lost weight and I'm going through a purge of stuff taking up space I don't need any more. Organizing/purging stuff is a great metaphor for getting your life organized around stuff that doesn't involve him.

Flavia2

1000 percent normal - I second guess reality ALL THE TIME. It's crazy-making, stories from the A are spun and I am very susceptible to second guessing myself. I have a few friends that are reliable sounding boards, though. I agree with no contact / no new hurt rule .

bluelily

It´s very frustrating when you realize an alcoholic ex is spreading all sort of BS about you, isn´t it! Even though we try not to care about what others think, we do (at least on some level).
The thing is, those who really know him like his family will probably know that it´s just him quacking away. People are mostly much better judges of character than we tend to believe.
Your ex probably has a history of failed relationships, and his friends and family know this and what he is like when he´s involved with someone.