Lilro

Oh girl. You need to get on your side of the street and stay there.
You cannot help anyone who does not want to help themselves. It's time to start looking after you. He obviously will do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, if he wants to do it. Please make sure to read the stickies on top of the forum. They will give you a pretty accurate guideline of what you are dealing with.
Step back and away... He needs to figure this out on his own, in his own time.
Keep posting. We are here for you!
Ro

ConfusedDaily

Thank you all for the support. He's been sober since Friday at 5PM, that has to count for something.

I will not leave, I am determined to make things work. I genuinely love him and that includes all of him; the good and the bad,

We do fight and I know he's on an emotional roller coaster ride. I just really hope that he can make it through this and see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is the longest time he has been sober in the last 10+ years. I'm proud of him, I just hope he sticks to it. I'm sure once he has "recovered" from his addiction, we can work on us. For right now, it's all about him and getting him feeling 100% again. I understand this is codependent behavior. I know I baby him and try to do everything for him. But, I firmly believe this a great step in the right path.

I would like to thank everyone for their input. I appreciate you coming on here and helping out. Sending love to all the broken hearts out there...

CentralOhioDad

You love him, I get it.

One question: how much do you love yourself? What are you giving up of yourself to coddle him? I quote: "For right now, it's all about him and getting him feeling 100% again." What if that takes 20 years? What if it's never? So you are willing to give up everything - hopes, dreams, fun, friends, career -everything for someone who is white-knuckling his alleged recovery? Obviously you have that choice and that right, but I wonder why you don't care a little about yourself?

Maudcat

Well, lessons learned. You now know that you should turn off your phone when he goes back to rehab. Are you open to Al-Anon meetings? Could help you sort out feelings and maybe step away (mentally and emotionally) from the alcohol-dependent SO. Good luck.

atalose

^^^^these kind of actions only bring you right back to where you keep starting. He's blaming YOU for his actions which affect his job. How much babysitting from work do you think he's going to tolerate before he blows up again and blames you and causes more damage in your home? How much more anxiety and stress will you tolerate?

dandylion

ConfusedDaily......LOL....now you have me confused! You state very directly that both of you dislike children....yet, you say that you "baby him" and do everything for him.....
In my experience...it is much harder to look after a grown adult alcoholic than to look after children. Children are usually more responsible and trustworthy.....and, sooo much less stress.....
??

CoParentToA

It's your decision to leave or not, but it is absolutely not in your power to "make things work." And I have found, in many facets of my life, that living with the belief that I can change things (via logic, persistence, patience, persuasion, etc) that are beyond my ability to control is hellish, especially when the stakes are as high as they are.

I watched my AXH's family try to "love" him into sobriety for years. He finally pursued treatment when they made clear they would no longer protect him from his bad decisions. I think if you read more here, you will find very few recovering alcoholics who credit a partner's love and devotion with helping them to realize they needed to address an issue.

There is so much more wisdom here, and I think among the best advice you've received is to ask yourself for how long are you willing to love him more than yourself and put his needs before your own.

ConfusedDaily

Good morning guys,

I love him very much. And I'm super proud of him. He's been sober 5 days today. Things are looking up, he wasn't able to drive at night because he used to wasted. Last night we went on a drive when I got home from work (8:30PM) and he was in awe, he hasn't drove at night for years.

I understand everything that you all are saying. I know I'm co-dependent. I know that I coddle/baby him. My dad was also an alcoholic, and my mom used to do the same thing to my dad and it would DRIVE ME CRAZY. I feel like the difference is that my ABF is taking steps to make his life better... Our life better. I know that there is an uphill struggle ahead, but I have faith we will make it through.

As for taking care of me, I know I should. I love getting my hair done and pedicures, I just feel guilty. Like, if I was to go get my hair colored while my BF is at work it just doesn't seem right. Financially, we are not doing well either. I feel like I would be taking money and spending it on things that aren't necessary. Even for a $20.00 pedicure, we can use that on paying our debts off.

Again, thank you for all the love and support. I love coming on here and reading/talking to everyone.

ConfusedDaily

UPDATE:

Today he took his debit card because he needs to buy grass seeds and some other things from Walmart. And I can't help but worry... What if he caves and buys beer? Worst yet, what if he buys beer and hides it so I think he's still sober? Maybe it's just anxiety because he could totally walk past the alcohol section. I'm just really nervous. I don't get off of work until 8PM

CentralOhioDad

He will do what he does - regardless of your worry or anxiety. Once you fully accept the fact he's a drunk, then you won't be surprised when (probably not "if") he relapses.

ConfusedDaily

Today is day 6 of his sobriety, this is the longest time he has been sober in the last 10-15 years. I really hope he can pull through and not get drunk or buy alcohol. He said this morning, that he has to work past this. Walmart will always have booze, he has to start somewhere...

atalose

Let’s put some focus back on you. You stated that your mom babied/coddled your dad and it drove you crazy? WHY did seeing her act in that manor did it annoy you? How did it make you feel about your dad being treated in that way?

And when you say you feel like the difference is that your ABF is taking steps to make his life better. How does what your BF does make YOU any different from how your mom was with your dad?

ConfusedDaily

It doesn't make me any different. I have finally came to the conclusion that slowly but surely I am becoming my mom.