o/t how to handle the ex in laws snubbing daughter
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
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o/t how to handle the ex in laws snubbing daughter
I had a rough 10-12 days starting on the 10th of august. My break line broke in February and I got it to the nearest place and they "fixed" it. I went to work on the 10th and my breaks felt soft and then on the way home I decided that this was not working for me and took it in to the people I have work on my car. Well whoever put breaks on it in February cross threaded it and broke the abs module. ok Got my daughter #2 to come get me drive me around while the people that fixed my breaks in February refixed them. Daughter #2 went back to her dads on Thursday and all was ok, with the car.
On the 15th my washer decided to break so my nephew stopped by around 10:30 pm and replaced the motor, by 4:30 in the morning I had 4 inches of water in my basement and rising because the sub pump went out. I went at 6:30 am and got a pump and a new sub pump and went home to hook up the pump, my bil was coming over later to put in the sub pump, Well I went down there 15-20 minuets later and the pump was not pumping enough and water was coming in faster then I could get it out. (about 18 inches before the sub pump got in)
I started hauling stuff up the stairs and texted my 2 daughters saying I needed them to come over and give me a hand. Daughter #1 says with what and I say basement. her reply was "How long is it going to take the grandparents are coming out and taking us to lunch" pissed me right off. Daughter #2 texts me and asks how bad is it and my responds was "Bad" So she texts me that she is going to lunch with gma and will be over after that. Now I'm more pissed. most of the stuff in the basement was the 3 kids. I ended up telling her not to come her priorities was messed up so stay home and I will deal with the 18 inches of water etc. I got a friend to come help me and then I text them later telling them they needed to get over here and help and I'm still pissed. Daughter #2 came over and helped for that night and the next day.
Daughter #2 was moving into apt at college and was leaving Saturday after she gets all her stuff from the ex sil's house and having the ex in laws rent a U-Haul and move up there.(very nice of them) I went up later in the day, the ex did not come, the ex in laws were there ex sil was rearranging things the ways she thought they should have the apartment. Some one said when are they ordering pizza and next I know the ex in-laws decided they were going. No problem for me but they took my dd1, son and his girlfriend out to dinner after leaving and left daughter #2 at the apartment with her boyfriend, his friend me and ex SIL, I bought every one left pizza.
This is not the first time Daughter #2 has been excluded because I was around. And I don't know what to feel about being ditched because gma was taking them to lunch.(This was something the ex started)
This brothers me because the kids priorities are messed up and getting worse. DD2 did not deserve to be excluded because I was there. I would of offered to pay for some of the pizza if I chose to eat any. Boy it does make me feel like backing out of my kids life totally because they get excluded from things being with me.
I very frustrated with this type of behavior from my in laws.
any advice? sorry it is long
Cricket
On the 15th my washer decided to break so my nephew stopped by around 10:30 pm and replaced the motor, by 4:30 in the morning I had 4 inches of water in my basement and rising because the sub pump went out. I went at 6:30 am and got a pump and a new sub pump and went home to hook up the pump, my bil was coming over later to put in the sub pump, Well I went down there 15-20 minuets later and the pump was not pumping enough and water was coming in faster then I could get it out. (about 18 inches before the sub pump got in)
I started hauling stuff up the stairs and texted my 2 daughters saying I needed them to come over and give me a hand. Daughter #1 says with what and I say basement. her reply was "How long is it going to take the grandparents are coming out and taking us to lunch" pissed me right off. Daughter #2 texts me and asks how bad is it and my responds was "Bad" So she texts me that she is going to lunch with gma and will be over after that. Now I'm more pissed. most of the stuff in the basement was the 3 kids. I ended up telling her not to come her priorities was messed up so stay home and I will deal with the 18 inches of water etc. I got a friend to come help me and then I text them later telling them they needed to get over here and help and I'm still pissed. Daughter #2 came over and helped for that night and the next day.
Daughter #2 was moving into apt at college and was leaving Saturday after she gets all her stuff from the ex sil's house and having the ex in laws rent a U-Haul and move up there.(very nice of them) I went up later in the day, the ex did not come, the ex in laws were there ex sil was rearranging things the ways she thought they should have the apartment. Some one said when are they ordering pizza and next I know the ex in-laws decided they were going. No problem for me but they took my dd1, son and his girlfriend out to dinner after leaving and left daughter #2 at the apartment with her boyfriend, his friend me and ex SIL, I bought every one left pizza.
This is not the first time Daughter #2 has been excluded because I was around. And I don't know what to feel about being ditched because gma was taking them to lunch.(This was something the ex started)
This brothers me because the kids priorities are messed up and getting worse. DD2 did not deserve to be excluded because I was there. I would of offered to pay for some of the pizza if I chose to eat any. Boy it does make me feel like backing out of my kids life totally because they get excluded from things being with me.
I very frustrated with this type of behavior from my in laws.
any advice? sorry it is long
Cricket
Last edited by cricket123; 08-24-2016 at 11:18 AM. Reason: adding
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't get the connection here, at all. Your in-laws took one daughter but not the other? So how does that have anything whatsoever to do with you?
So what if one daughter didn't get invited to have pizza? You bought them pizza and got to spend time with her.
Frankly, I'd just let it go.
So what if one daughter didn't get invited to have pizza? You bought them pizza and got to spend time with her.
Frankly, I'd just let it go.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Cricket...you want advice? O.K.....I will give you the advice I have from a l ifetime of experience. You are not going to like it!!
I am experienced with young adult children as well a sucky inlaws!
The inlaws---pretty simple. It is time to cut the connections from all of them. Your kids are grown now...and thy have their own relationships with them, by now. You don't need them...because they worsen your life and pull you down.
The kids...I m going to give an opinion that all, here, won't agree with.
I think that it is very appropriate that you give them the toughest "come to Jesus" talk that you can about their messed up and self serving priorities. Let them know that you are saddened, disgusted and disappointed at their self serving and entitled attitudes.
Why do I feel justified in such a strong position?
Because your first role as a parent is to be a TEACHER. to teach your kids how to become a healthy, functioning adult in the outside world. Part of that is to teach values by word and by deed.
They need to know exactly where you stand o n these matters.
They are pretending to be total adults...lol...trying on independence, etc.
But, they still need you in the teaching and co nsultant role...as long as they are alive.
do not think, for a minute because they are so arrogant..that it means that they are fully formed. far from it.
Their brains are not fully formed, yet, until sometime approaching mid 20's!!!!
Additionally, this also give YOU some peace within your heart and soul.
Between you and the Universe you will always have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing by your kids. Y ou did everything that you could do to teach them between right and wrong!!
don't worry about the gma thing...they will survive. Best y ou are not participating in that mess....
dandylion
I am experienced with young adult children as well a sucky inlaws!
The inlaws---pretty simple. It is time to cut the connections from all of them. Your kids are grown now...and thy have their own relationships with them, by now. You don't need them...because they worsen your life and pull you down.
The kids...I m going to give an opinion that all, here, won't agree with.
I think that it is very appropriate that you give them the toughest "come to Jesus" talk that you can about their messed up and self serving priorities. Let them know that you are saddened, disgusted and disappointed at their self serving and entitled attitudes.
Why do I feel justified in such a strong position?
Because your first role as a parent is to be a TEACHER. to teach your kids how to become a healthy, functioning adult in the outside world. Part of that is to teach values by word and by deed.
They need to know exactly where you stand o n these matters.
They are pretending to be total adults...lol...trying on independence, etc.
But, they still need you in the teaching and co nsultant role...as long as they are alive.
do not think, for a minute because they are so arrogant..that it means that they are fully formed. far from it.
Their brains are not fully formed, yet, until sometime approaching mid 20's!!!!
Additionally, this also give YOU some peace within your heart and soul.
Between you and the Universe you will always have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing by your kids. Y ou did everything that you could do to teach them between right and wrong!!
don't worry about the gma thing...they will survive. Best y ou are not participating in that mess....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
BTW, my sympathies on the basement flood. I've had it happen THREE times, including the first one, on my fourth day sober. Mine was all raw sewage, which is, um, even crappier. But I lost a lot of things that were important to me, and it truly sucked.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: michigan
Posts: 296
so yes this was all about me. I needed extra help in an emergency. I ask my kids to help me out once in awhile, but this was big. If you look I did not even ask my son who is an hour away working his coop job and has an 18 year old attitude toward it.(He wants weekends off) As a matter of fact he did not even know about it until a couple of days latter. Because I did not have any help from except from my sister and bil (who should not of done this - we were both worried about him- he has health problems)
My kids have 70% of their childhood stuff here. The ex I believe (from comments from the kids) refused to let them have it at their house.
As for the Gma she has standing plans to go to lunch every week with the two girls - both may I point out don't have a job and the highlight of their day is walking the dogs.
If family needs something you are suppose to be there for them. I believe everyone at somepoint in their lifes has failed at this, but when it is big like saving their stuff they should be here not out having a good time while someone else takes care of their mess.
So if I am being selfish in needing more people to go through their crap and determine if they want to dry it out and keep it then I am selfish. I have no problem with that.
dandylion thanks it is good advice.
good bye
Cricket
My kids have 70% of their childhood stuff here. The ex I believe (from comments from the kids) refused to let them have it at their house.
As for the Gma she has standing plans to go to lunch every week with the two girls - both may I point out don't have a job and the highlight of their day is walking the dogs.
If family needs something you are suppose to be there for them. I believe everyone at somepoint in their lifes has failed at this, but when it is big like saving their stuff they should be here not out having a good time while someone else takes care of their mess.
So if I am being selfish in needing more people to go through their crap and determine if they want to dry it out and keep it then I am selfish. I have no problem with that.
dandylion thanks it is good advice.
good bye
Cricket
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Cricket, if it was their stuff, then it was their choice whether to come to try to rescue it or not. It was your choice to rescue it anyway and then resent them for having done so.
It seems clear to me by their actions that they did not want that stuff, and you were not obligated to save it for them. If it is such a burden for you to store it for them, then you should give them a reasonable amount of time to remove it and figure out where to store it themselves, and if they fail to meet the deadline, throw it away.
In an ideal world, yes, sure. Families are there for each other. In the world of addiction? Normal rules don't apply. In my dysfunctional family, with one alcoholic parent and one codependent parent, no one learned how to be there for each other because we were all too busy learning to protect ourselves.
The reality is, your family doesn't work the way you want them to. I know that is difficult to accept, but the sooner you do, the more peace you will find in your life. I am sorry for your disappointment.
It seems clear to me by their actions that they did not want that stuff, and you were not obligated to save it for them. If it is such a burden for you to store it for them, then you should give them a reasonable amount of time to remove it and figure out where to store it themselves, and if they fail to meet the deadline, throw it away.
In an ideal world, yes, sure. Families are there for each other. In the world of addiction? Normal rules don't apply. In my dysfunctional family, with one alcoholic parent and one codependent parent, no one learned how to be there for each other because we were all too busy learning to protect ourselves.
The reality is, your family doesn't work the way you want them to. I know that is difficult to accept, but the sooner you do, the more peace you will find in your life. I am sorry for your disappointment.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I'm sorry, I disagree with all of you!!!
Cricket had a really rough couple weeks. She reached out to family and she felt they weren't there for her, with her broken car and the basement. She comes on the "support group" and she gets told that "she has a disdain for about everyone" REALLY??
This is a support group? We are here to help people. How did are hearts get so tough? Sometimes I can understand that we all need some "tough love". But really??
She responds and says Good bye and you give more critiques. Come on People. Where is your compassion? Where is your understanding for someone who is down? If Cricket doesn't ever come back on SR, I can understand why.
This totally disappoints me. New people read this and would be afraid to say "their truth" because of being chastised, and critiqued the way she was.
We have all had times like Cricket. Maybe you can find some compassion and just tell her that you are sorry for her struggles, and sending hugs. I am sorry I feel that you have all gone way to far!!
Cricket had a really rough couple weeks. She reached out to family and she felt they weren't there for her, with her broken car and the basement. She comes on the "support group" and she gets told that "she has a disdain for about everyone" REALLY??
This is a support group? We are here to help people. How did are hearts get so tough? Sometimes I can understand that we all need some "tough love". But really??
She responds and says Good bye and you give more critiques. Come on People. Where is your compassion? Where is your understanding for someone who is down? If Cricket doesn't ever come back on SR, I can understand why.
This totally disappoints me. New people read this and would be afraid to say "their truth" because of being chastised, and critiqued the way she was.
We have all had times like Cricket. Maybe you can find some compassion and just tell her that you are sorry for her struggles, and sending hugs. I am sorry I feel that you have all gone way to far!!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Well I'm glad Cricket that DD#2 & friend helped you out with the basement eventually, because even if it is mostly your kids' stuff it's going to stink to high heaven the longer it stays there, soggy and gross. If my grown up children just left their stuff there for me to clean up I would be pretty ticked off too. I wouldn't expect them to jump right away if I told them the basement was leaking and they already had plans, but I would expect them to clear out their belongings in a quick fashion. And if they didn't and I had the money to spare, I would hire somebody to clear it out and send them the bill.
My sump pump horror story (which doesn't even compare to LexieCat's). My husband and I spent our Christmas Eve babysitting our sump pump after it broke. The float no longer kicked in the switch. Unfortunately this happened when our main water line decided to leak so the water was running into the cistern constantly. The plumber came, tried to fix it, but of course as soon as he left it malfunctioned again.
It was a very long night. And no we did not see Santa.
And of course, it's Christmas so we can't run out and buy a new sump pump!
Fortunately, after 18 hours of that crap I grabbed a can of WD40 in desperation, stuck the nozzle as far as it could go into the pump housing and sprayed the bejeezus out of it. That worked. I actually cried in relief.
My sump pump horror story (which doesn't even compare to LexieCat's). My husband and I spent our Christmas Eve babysitting our sump pump after it broke. The float no longer kicked in the switch. Unfortunately this happened when our main water line decided to leak so the water was running into the cistern constantly. The plumber came, tried to fix it, but of course as soon as he left it malfunctioned again.
It was a very long night. And no we did not see Santa.
And of course, it's Christmas so we can't run out and buy a new sump pump!
Fortunately, after 18 hours of that crap I grabbed a can of WD40 in desperation, stuck the nozzle as far as it could go into the pump housing and sprayed the bejeezus out of it. That worked. I actually cried in relief.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
@PuzzledHeart,
My first sewer backup, on Day 4 of sobriety, happened on Labor Day, and getting someone from the Township out there wasn't easy. I swear, cars and houses keep a calendar and intentionally break down at THE least convenient time.
My first sewer backup, on Day 4 of sobriety, happened on Labor Day, and getting someone from the Township out there wasn't easy. I swear, cars and houses keep a calendar and intentionally break down at THE least convenient time.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 22
I think it was really that everyone meant well, because cricket seemed to think her children unreasonable and even thought about leaving their lives in some way, which seemed extreme considering they went to lunch instead of helping in the basement.
Of course - a flood in your basement is terrible! And cars breaking down cost a lot of nerves! So if anyone wants to vent about that, they sure are justified and will be met with understanding. I think it was just the connection between car break down, basement flood and being mad at the in-laws that people didn't understand and empathize with. As others have said, I don't understand the connection. However, if I were asked to help out in a flood even by neighbours and acquaintances, I think I would help. If my hypothetical children didn't help me, I would be disappointed, sure. So this part is perfectly understandable for all, I think.
Of course - a flood in your basement is terrible! And cars breaking down cost a lot of nerves! So if anyone wants to vent about that, they sure are justified and will be met with understanding. I think it was just the connection between car break down, basement flood and being mad at the in-laws that people didn't understand and empathize with. As others have said, I don't understand the connection. However, if I were asked to help out in a flood even by neighbours and acquaintances, I think I would help. If my hypothetical children didn't help me, I would be disappointed, sure. So this part is perfectly understandable for all, I think.
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