He could not even go one day!

Old 10-01-2004, 10:07 PM
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brightlight
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He could not even go one day!

He told me yesterday that he would not drink on Friday or Saturday. When he got off work he had a drink at the bar at work. He had to borrow the money and then lied that he did not, but I smelled it on his breath. Before he got home he called me and said he was across the street and was going to go have a beer. I said you do not have any money, so how are you getting a beer. He said he was going to see if he knew anybody there and ask somebody to buy him one. I said all you have to do is come home and I will give you the money. No he was going in to do that. I said for pete's sake, you cannot even do one that I ask. He showed up at home and said he decided to come home. He wanted me to give him money so he could go. I took the truck keys and left him with the kids. I waited and called to see if he gave them supper and he did. I would not come home right when he asked. I stayed away a couple of hours and called and all he said was I just want to go have a pitcher of beer and be home. I said well you said the wrong thing. I do not care what you want and you better start caring what I want. LOL Like that will happen. I got some groceries and came home and he was reading the kids their Bible story. He said because I had asked him to do it. I said that book is two years old and I asked and asked, and then demanded, and you still did not. You then even said you would and didn't. I told him that he better get it in his head that I am not working one whole day for him to have happy hour at work. One drink costs $3 and that is nuts to think he is going to have that daily. If he wants to sit at the bar there and talk then have water. He can drink across the street. I told him that he is not going to drink 3 pitchers of beer a day unless he wants to get a parttime job. He is $900 short of having enough to pay bills, buy groceries, and have his 3 pitchers. That means that is all I am working for and it is not happening. I started this job to help this family get somewhere and not so he can be a glutton and drink all he wants. He said all I want is to go across the street and have a beer. I said if you tell me that one more time it will be the last. I have heard that stupid excuse of what you want and it does not matter, it does not wash, it does nothing but put me into a fury and you better not say it again. I have heard this daily for two years and I do not want to hear it again. My son is 5 and he would like candy daily. My daughter is 11 and she would like pop daily. I told him that one more time is all he has and I am going to go to his boss with him and he is going to tell his boss he has a problem and does not want anybody to sell him anything to drink at that place. I made him swear on the Bible and I wish I had not done that He did swear to not drink at work and that he will only drink one pitcher of beer a day. He said he means it. I know he does. I just forgot he cannot help himself. I am going to tell him to take that back. I do not want him to break a promise like that. It was not fair. I know he means well, but we are just not rich and he cannot do this everyday! If it was just the beer then why not buy it from the grocery store where it is cheaper? No fun to do that. He likes drinking across the street.
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Old 10-02-2004, 12:21 AM
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well, I can safely say that for me and my A, money is also tight. But an addict does not think of that. An addict only thinks of the addiction and where and how he can satisfy it. There's no point in arguing about money because addicts just don't get it. They don't get that there are more important things than satisfying their need for their drug of choice.

Addicts don't think sensibly because they can't, and there's really no point in trying to make them.

As far as money goes, I've kept my accounts completely separate from my partner's, and when he runs out of money to buy booze, that's it. I will not give him money, no matter what he says it's for because I know damn well what he'll spend it on. You work hard, Bright, and you deserve to pay yourself before you start worrying about his addiction.
Take care of yourself.
Sandra
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Old 10-02-2004, 04:13 AM
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Brightlight - I have been accused of sending mixed messages. I agree and am trying very hard to be clear in my communication and to not make threats that I don't intend to carry out. It is really hard when our AH's words and actions keep us unbalanced. It is really important though. While I don't want to add to your burden, I think you may be doing the same thing. It takes one to know one. LOL Anyway, I am certainly not perfect in the way I communicate with my AH but I am getting better. SR and all the wonderful people here help me sort through the thoughts that whirl in my mind and as a result, I think I am making better decisions. Stay connected.
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Old 10-02-2004, 05:21 AM
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((((((Bright))))))

It seem as though you still believe you can somehow control what your H does. No amount of b*thchn will change him. Keep the focus on yourself and your kids. I know you are hurting and you want the insanity to stop. At least half of the insanity is coming from you right now. The more you make this your problem the less he will see his problems.

It is a bumpy road to surrender. Believe me I know!!! I have lived 7 years with a crack addict. I have been trying for a while now to make him leave.... I can live my life.... yes it pi$$es me off that he still uses dope and his mom is dying and wants to see him,he is not supporting his kids(not ours) I feel so bad for his son who despartly wants to be with him and I would help him fight his ex for him but, I know that sweet child does not need or deserve to be around his using dope.

Now I just want him out I am done fighting,crying,begging,feeling guilty. It took a lot of $hit for me to get to this point. I feel like I have trudged over 10,000 miles of broken glass and razor wire and I know I deserve better than this. I can do better and so can you. At least we can be at peace within the situation we are in now so that we can rationally think about what is best for us....
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Old 10-02-2004, 05:21 AM
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Brightlight

There is not a darn thing you can do to change him or get him to think rationally right now, so just make sure to look after yourself and your children. If money is a problem, don't give him any, not to control his drinking but to control your own financial responsibilities. If he works and spends his money on drinking, there isn't much you can do, but learning to look after yourself and your own recovery will take you a lot further than worrying about his.

It's just a losing battle, and one you don't have to fight.

Hugs
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Old 10-02-2004, 05:54 AM
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JT
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It does seem like you are trying awfully hard to control him. You know you are "right" and so do all of us but being "right" isn't making you happy. The one lesson that has brought me the most peace is that I cannot control anyone else. Oh...and I think the people around me are happier too!

Hugs,
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Old 10-02-2004, 06:13 AM
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Brightlight,

As long as you keep trying to control him he's going to keep doing what he is doing. Ultimately the thing we are trying to control we end up losing control over.

Just don't give him any money, open a bank account just for you so he can't get to it. Work and pay your bills, take care of you and your kids. He doesn't have to be part of the equation.

Ngaire
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Old 10-02-2004, 07:21 AM
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Brightlight -
He may drink every day until the day he dies. It is possible.

Would you rather spend the rest of your life trying to get him to stop or spend the rest of your life finding happiness for yourself, whether he continues to drink or not? How about today? Would you rather spend today trying to get him to stop or spend today finding some happiness?

I think that you're realizing that you don't have any control over his drinking. It doesn't matter what you say or do - he is only going to stop if he decides to stop. It's his choice. You have a lot of choices of your own. I found much more peace when I started concentrating on my own choices and leaving his choices to him.
Hugs - L
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Old 10-02-2004, 08:56 AM
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I understand what all of you are saying and I try to not control him, but I am out of control. I am so full of anger. I have typed three messages here and all sounded crazy and made no sense. Thank you all for listening and trying to help. I know what I am supposed to do, but getting where I can is going to be something.
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Old 10-02-2004, 12:33 PM
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When I was first starting out, someone told me that no one expects a baby to stand up and walk perfectly right away. It takes time to practice a new behavior.

You are on the right path, brightlight. All you have to do is keep trying. It will come.
Big Hugs - L
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Old 10-02-2004, 05:00 PM
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Brightlight - our words are sent with love and support, not criticism. You will do better now that you know better. Don't focus on what happened yesterday but focus on the present moment. How are you doing right now? I bet you are doing fine, taking care of yourself and the children.

Live Strong
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