Haunted by the hurt in his eyes
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Haunted by the hurt in his eyes
My mind is bringing up memories of when things started to fall apart… I really was behaving unconsciously for most of my life. It wasn’t that it happened too long ago and that my memory is failing me... it’s that I was quite literally sleep walking through my life. The memories that are coming back are painful because it’s when I started seeing things as they were… and I am recalling the hurt in his eyes because I was changing…
He was so hurt that no matter how hard he tried it wasn’t good enough for me… he just didn’t get it and was going through life the same way I was… I did not have the words nor the insight to tell him what was wrong, I just knew that things were not even close to being right. Just writing this is causing the tears to pour down my face… but even when I became explicit it didn’t seem to make a difference…. “I don’t like you when you’re drunk”… “you remind me of my past and it’s traumatizing”…. “you keep breaking promises and now I don’t believe what you say”… “SHOW me, don’t just tell me SHOW me”…
He looked so desperate… “I will do anything just tell me what you want me to do”… but even when I told him it didn’t go through, it didn’t stick… for someone who appeared to want to save us so badly he turned the other cheek very quickly…. “It’s not that bad”… “Don’t worry I am not going to end up like your mother”…. “I can’t make you happy”…. “you’re PMSing”… “you’re such a bitch”…
Behind my back he tells people I am crazy, that he would have cheated on me if given the chance…. to my face he tells me that he thought I was “The One”.
Such a sick, sick relationship. No wonder it died, but it doesn’t make that image of the hurt in his eyes sting any less. It cuts right through to my heart. The push, the pull, the lies, the hurtful words… why did we do this to each other
He was so hurt that no matter how hard he tried it wasn’t good enough for me… he just didn’t get it and was going through life the same way I was… I did not have the words nor the insight to tell him what was wrong, I just knew that things were not even close to being right. Just writing this is causing the tears to pour down my face… but even when I became explicit it didn’t seem to make a difference…. “I don’t like you when you’re drunk”… “you remind me of my past and it’s traumatizing”…. “you keep breaking promises and now I don’t believe what you say”… “SHOW me, don’t just tell me SHOW me”…
He looked so desperate… “I will do anything just tell me what you want me to do”… but even when I told him it didn’t go through, it didn’t stick… for someone who appeared to want to save us so badly he turned the other cheek very quickly…. “It’s not that bad”… “Don’t worry I am not going to end up like your mother”…. “I can’t make you happy”…. “you’re PMSing”… “you’re such a bitch”…
Behind my back he tells people I am crazy, that he would have cheated on me if given the chance…. to my face he tells me that he thought I was “The One”.
Such a sick, sick relationship. No wonder it died, but it doesn’t make that image of the hurt in his eyes sting any less. It cuts right through to my heart. The push, the pull, the lies, the hurtful words… why did we do this to each other
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Expanding
This means you have a heart.
I am afraid that addicts still in their addiction are totally consumed with their own feelings and lack empathy. I believe this must be universally true.
Congratulations on getting free. Hang in there!!!
This means you have a heart.
I am afraid that addicts still in their addiction are totally consumed with their own feelings and lack empathy. I believe this must be universally true.
Congratulations on getting free. Hang in there!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Oh, Expanding, I can completely empathize with what you are feeling. It is like you explained exactly what is happening in my life. It hurts to try to make sense of what's happening. I don't think it will ever make sense.
I read something that has kind of put things into perspective for me. It says "Just because someone desires you does not mean that they value you." In my marriage, I was desired and not valued. We deserve to be valued.
My thoughts are with you, friend.
I read something that has kind of put things into perspective for me. It says "Just because someone desires you does not mean that they value you." In my marriage, I was desired and not valued. We deserve to be valued.
My thoughts are with you, friend.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by TimeForMe 
Oh, Expanding, I can completely empathize with what you are feeling. It is like you explained exactly what is happening in my life. It hurts to try to make sense of what's happening. I don't think it will ever make sense.
I read something that has kind of put things into perspective for me. It says "Just because someone desires you does not mean that they value you." In my marriage, I was desired and not valued. We deserve to be valued.
My thoughts are with you, friend.
I read something that has kind of put things into perspective for me. It says "Just because someone desires you does not mean that they value you." In my marriage, I was desired and not valued. We deserve to be valued.
My thoughts are with you, friend.
and to Original poster: I feel your pain too. You're not alone, hugs.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Something my friends said to me when I was trying to reason it all our too, and I like it as much as the use of the word "Value" above is "respect".
The lack of empathy and the statements he made about it "not being so bad" or accusations or attacks towards you to defend his drinking...All of that shows a lack of respect for you not only as a partner, but as a human being.
The lack of respect is what finally drove me to put up the boundary. I hinted and hinted at how much the drinking was hurting me -- When it got even worse, in light of my expression of how it was making me feel, and what is was doing to us -- I realized that she had absolutely no value or respect for me as a person. If she did, she would at least have tried in earnest.
I realize part of it is also the addictive voice calling to get that feeling of intoxication, but if you love someone, you at least value and respect them enough to not behave in ways you cite above.
Great posts and great thread here, wonderful realizations.
The lack of empathy and the statements he made about it "not being so bad" or accusations or attacks towards you to defend his drinking...All of that shows a lack of respect for you not only as a partner, but as a human being.
The lack of respect is what finally drove me to put up the boundary. I hinted and hinted at how much the drinking was hurting me -- When it got even worse, in light of my expression of how it was making me feel, and what is was doing to us -- I realized that she had absolutely no value or respect for me as a person. If she did, she would at least have tried in earnest.
I realize part of it is also the addictive voice calling to get that feeling of intoxication, but if you love someone, you at least value and respect them enough to not behave in ways you cite above.
Great posts and great thread here, wonderful realizations.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Yes, I know exactly the "hurt in his eyes" you are talking about.
I just e-mailed ex that divorce is final and I am removing him from benefits tomorrow (he was my dependent), which he was warned about multiple times - in case if someone thinks I am heartless or incencitive. His response was "oh wow how long do I have health insurance?" (Hint - till tomorrow)
Yep. He is devastated. I can vividly picture hurt in his eyes
I just burst out laughing after I read it. Can't make it up.
I just e-mailed ex that divorce is final and I am removing him from benefits tomorrow (he was my dependent), which he was warned about multiple times - in case if someone thinks I am heartless or incencitive. His response was "oh wow how long do I have health insurance?" (Hint - till tomorrow)
Yep. He is devastated. I can vividly picture hurt in his eyes
I just burst out laughing after I read it. Can't make it up.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Yes, Dandy is right.
Ya know what I do when I sometimes think of him in an endearing way?? I change my focus and picture him with horns, red ones. I'm not kidding. That'll snap you out of it quick.
Sorry to say, he wasn't worried about your hurt. Good for you that you have empathy which he obviously lacks. Use that empathy towards something or someone deserving.
Ya know what I do when I sometimes think of him in an endearing way?? I change my focus and picture him with horns, red ones. I'm not kidding. That'll snap you out of it quick.
Sorry to say, he wasn't worried about your hurt. Good for you that you have empathy which he obviously lacks. Use that empathy towards something or someone deserving.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
The last time I saw that hurt was after making a (probably unnecessary )comment to a old, old friend who'd heard I was there and decided to stagger out to see me. Massive drunk grin, staggering about. He leant down and hiccuped at me through my car window and the smell was insane (I'm a sober alcoholic in recovery, so maybe I'm more sensitive to it though). Knowing him of old I said ..
"Awwww. That's sweet. You come outside to do a little sick for me."
His smile vanished, and his face dropped. His eyes full of pain and hurt.
And then he vomited.
Yes. I do feel bad I hurt his feelings, but you know what. I was right in my judgement of the situation and what was going to happen. Maybe my old friend doesn't like the truth, but while he's still drinking he's still going to staggering vomiting everywhere, whether he likes how it makes people think of him or not. I'm sure he still has this crazy footloose cowboy-pirate image in his head of what he's like when he's drunk. He is in alcoholic denial those, and I'm not going to share in his craziness. And maybe other poeple want to be part of that action. But I don't. I can't afford to be - not if I want to stay sane and sober. So I have my boundaries to protect me , and he is staying on the other side of the fence.
Occasionally I still feel a pang of remorse for my comment, which if I'm honest, didn't come from a place of love. More of tiredness and irritation. I still remember the hurt in his eyes. But, let's face it. It couldn't have hurt so bad or he'd have made at least some feeble attempt to change things.
"Awwww. That's sweet. You come outside to do a little sick for me."
His smile vanished, and his face dropped. His eyes full of pain and hurt.
And then he vomited.
Yes. I do feel bad I hurt his feelings, but you know what. I was right in my judgement of the situation and what was going to happen. Maybe my old friend doesn't like the truth, but while he's still drinking he's still going to staggering vomiting everywhere, whether he likes how it makes people think of him or not. I'm sure he still has this crazy footloose cowboy-pirate image in his head of what he's like when he's drunk. He is in alcoholic denial those, and I'm not going to share in his craziness. And maybe other poeple want to be part of that action. But I don't. I can't afford to be - not if I want to stay sane and sober. So I have my boundaries to protect me , and he is staying on the other side of the fence.
Occasionally I still feel a pang of remorse for my comment, which if I'm honest, didn't come from a place of love. More of tiredness and irritation. I still remember the hurt in his eyes. But, let's face it. It couldn't have hurt so bad or he'd have made at least some feeble attempt to change things.
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berryBean....if it is any consolation, he probably doesn't even remember the comment. alcoholics, in such a state. often have blackout memory for the things that we remember in exact detail......
dandylion
dandylion
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Location: UK
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Thanks.
And yes, that's what I thought. Although he does seem to be avoiding me as much as I am him, which is awkward as I'm still good friends with his wife. Thing is, while I used to think him chucking up in a pub garden and then going back inside for more beer was normal, and even funny if when i was drinking (yeah, yeah, I know), now my boundaries and expectations are different.
The last time I actually socialised with this guy he came to a restaurant and was sick into his own lap, sitting at the table (into the restaurant napkin, which he left at the table). That's not how I want my friends to celebrate my birthday with me in the future. I don't want to judge him (I know I've done worse and more destructive things when I was drinking myself), and I don't want to hurt him. BUT... I need to get better, and part of getting better is removing myself from the madness and people who are still in it.
I don't feel too bad about it really. No matter how good he is at the puppy-dog sad eyes look.
And yes, that's what I thought. Although he does seem to be avoiding me as much as I am him, which is awkward as I'm still good friends with his wife. Thing is, while I used to think him chucking up in a pub garden and then going back inside for more beer was normal, and even funny if when i was drinking (yeah, yeah, I know), now my boundaries and expectations are different.
The last time I actually socialised with this guy he came to a restaurant and was sick into his own lap, sitting at the table (into the restaurant napkin, which he left at the table). That's not how I want my friends to celebrate my birthday with me in the future. I don't want to judge him (I know I've done worse and more destructive things when I was drinking myself), and I don't want to hurt him. BUT... I need to get better, and part of getting better is removing myself from the madness and people who are still in it.
I don't feel too bad about it really. No matter how good he is at the puppy-dog sad eyes look.
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