Divorce is final!
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Divorce is final!
So I got news of divorce being final over a bowl of Thai noodles today at lunch.
Feeling relieved, hopeful, and sad at the same time. Breathing lighter, a bit of anxiety lifted off.
How did you feel when your divorce was finalized?
Feeling relieved, hopeful, and sad at the same time. Breathing lighter, a bit of anxiety lifted off.
How did you feel when your divorce was finalized?
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
I thought I would feel elated to finally be done (our process took over two years to reach finalization) but instead I was really sad. I had booked a vacation the following weekend with my now-husband to celebrate but instead spent a good portion of the weekend crying or being overly sensitive. It didn't help that we had booked ourselves at a total "party" hotel, that was my fault.
In retrospect, leaving my marriage was the best thing I could have done for myself and for my kids - but in the moment, I experienced that second-guessing about whether I had made a mistake.
Sharing just in case you thought that the sadness you are feeling is any sort of sign of anything but what it is - a normal part of ending something you had hoped would last forever. Take care of yourself. It took me a week or two to process.
In retrospect, leaving my marriage was the best thing I could have done for myself and for my kids - but in the moment, I experienced that second-guessing about whether I had made a mistake.
Sharing just in case you thought that the sadness you are feeling is any sort of sign of anything but what it is - a normal part of ending something you had hoped would last forever. Take care of yourself. It took me a week or two to process.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: northern california
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congrats wishing you a happy sober future. My divorce is dragging on for 10 months and we still live together it is getting weird and the last 2 days I felt like drinking, thankfully the recovery community is available to all of us the support helps tremendously
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Oh, I think the other thing I should share is that I felt really disillusioned to realize that while I thought I was "done" the divorce itself was really just starting - we had months of sorting financial issues, etc, etc.
Maybe in my head I was thinking as the divorce being final as the light at the end of the tunnel, and then the light didn't come. He was still as difficult to deal with as ever. Actually, I think coming to grips with THAT took way longer than it took me to get over the residual sadness. Like, OMG, now I need to co-parent with this jerk for the rest of our kids' lives? And continue to worry about money and all the other stuff that on some level I thought I was DONE with.
(This was mostly a function of having kids together - so if you don't, you may have an easier time of it!)
Maybe in my head I was thinking as the divorce being final as the light at the end of the tunnel, and then the light didn't come. He was still as difficult to deal with as ever. Actually, I think coming to grips with THAT took way longer than it took me to get over the residual sadness. Like, OMG, now I need to co-parent with this jerk for the rest of our kids' lives? And continue to worry about money and all the other stuff that on some level I thought I was DONE with.
(This was mostly a function of having kids together - so if you don't, you may have an easier time of it!)
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We do have a son together - but ex does not really show much of need to be in his life, and lives about 200 miles away. I am very sad about him not being interested - but oh well, such life....
Finances and assets are already sorted out, the only unknown is whether he will be paying child support on time - but I have a plan in place where I don't have to rely on it if it starts being difficult. He seems to be agreeing with everything so far.
The only contentious point is visitation - more sober time/understanding of consequences is needed to come to terms with it.
Everything is buttoned up
Finances and assets are already sorted out, the only unknown is whether he will be paying child support on time - but I have a plan in place where I don't have to rely on it if it starts being difficult. He seems to be agreeing with everything so far.
The only contentious point is visitation - more sober time/understanding of consequences is needed to come to terms with it.
Everything is buttoned up
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Congratulations!
Mine was an emergency divorce. Everything was done in some 3 or 4 weeks. The papers were ready for us to be signed at the attorney's office. My heart was breaking at the time. My ex never bothered to do anything to save the marriage. We just showed up, signed everything, and that was it. And then I was crying and crying and crying. Till the last moment I hoped he would say, "No, this is stupid, let's work things out."
It was the right thing to do. I believed my ex was someone he was not, and did not believe who he really was when he was clearly showing it.
No regrets today, but it was traumatic. Too much in a very short time.
Mine was an emergency divorce. Everything was done in some 3 or 4 weeks. The papers were ready for us to be signed at the attorney's office. My heart was breaking at the time. My ex never bothered to do anything to save the marriage. We just showed up, signed everything, and that was it. And then I was crying and crying and crying. Till the last moment I hoped he would say, "No, this is stupid, let's work things out."
It was the right thing to do. I believed my ex was someone he was not, and did not believe who he really was when he was clearly showing it.
No regrets today, but it was traumatic. Too much in a very short time.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain 
Congratulations!
Mine was an emergency divorce. Everything was done in some 3 or 4 weeks. The papers were ready for us to be signed at the attorney's office. My heart was breaking at the time. My ex never bothered to do anything to save the marriage. We just showed up, signed everything, and that was it. And then I was crying and crying and crying. Till the last moment I hoped he would say, "No, this is stupid, let's work things out."
It was the right thing to do. I believed my ex was someone he was not, and did not believe who he really was when he was clearly showing it.
No regrets today, but it was traumatic. Too much in a very short time.
Mine was an emergency divorce. Everything was done in some 3 or 4 weeks. The papers were ready for us to be signed at the attorney's office. My heart was breaking at the time. My ex never bothered to do anything to save the marriage. We just showed up, signed everything, and that was it. And then I was crying and crying and crying. Till the last moment I hoped he would say, "No, this is stupid, let's work things out."
It was the right thing to do. I believed my ex was someone he was not, and did not believe who he really was when he was clearly showing it.
No regrets today, but it was traumatic. Too much in a very short time.
The closest my ex came to reconciling was trying to be cute and pretending that "he must have misplaced the papers" he has signed. Then he asked, before handing them to me "do you really want to do this?", I said "yes", he gave me his best sad smile and called me sh@thead - in his usual endearing manner. It was almost sweet (shows I am not spoiled by affection lol).
He also asked if I would consider remarrying him, citing his AA friend as an example. Before we even got divorced. But did nothing to "reconcile". I suppose I was going to have to do "reconciliation" on his behalf.
All in all, I am grateful that he did not try to reconcile. I am pretty sure that would be yet another veiled attempt to crawl back to the house and lazy life of "stay at home dad".
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Originally Posted by Nata1980
Finances and assets are already sorted out
Because that's the kind of thing that ended up taking up a lot of time and emotional energy after the divorce was final. Not the philosophical agreement to who gets what, but the actual pain-in-the-you-know-what of splitting stuff up with someone who's harboring anger and resentment in the wake of a divorce.
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Yes, all of those things are done.
Not having much to split I suppose lol
Not having much to split I suppose lol
Originally Posted by CoParentToA
By this, do you mean that you agreed to split things 50/50 (or whatever) or that the actual amounts in the actual accounts have been identified and transferred? Have you filled out and then filed the forms to split any 401(k)s? Have you cancelled any joint credit cards? Taken one or the other of your names off the mortgage - which typically means refinancing a property?
Because that's the kind of thing that ended up taking up a lot of time and emotional energy after the divorce was final. Not the philosophical agreement to who gets what, but the actual pain-in-the-you-know-what of splitting stuff up with someone who's harboring anger and resentment in the wake of a divorce.
Because that's the kind of thing that ended up taking up a lot of time and emotional energy after the divorce was final. Not the philosophical agreement to who gets what, but the actual pain-in-the-you-know-what of splitting stuff up with someone who's harboring anger and resentment in the wake of a divorce.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Congratulations! I'm sure it's a mix of emotions. I'm just starting mine so hopefully it goes smoothly and as amicable as possible. I have a feeling my AH will not pay any child support so I'm very nervous about the future but trying not to look to far into it. Wishing you much peace...go on a nice vacation or a spa day and breathe :-)
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I got a little choked up when my first husband called to tell me it was finalized--he left me a VM at work (only one of us had to be in court). It was a friendly divorce--one that I wanted, and he did not but came to accept. He left me a really sweet message about how we had many good years and he was happy we'd had them--and our kids. And that he wished me the best.
I saved it for a long time. I felt kind of odd afterward--not really sad, but sort of like the decks had been cleared. We were both with new partners by then, too.
With my second divorce I felt sheer relief. My second husband had gone back to drinking and I left him after living together only a few months after marrying him. We were separated for a while but I got busy and filed for divorce when he started talking about moving to Mozambique to live with his sister. I didn't want to have to try to divorce someone living in another country, so I felt a sense of urgency at that point.
I saved it for a long time. I felt kind of odd afterward--not really sad, but sort of like the decks had been cleared. We were both with new partners by then, too.
With my second divorce I felt sheer relief. My second husband had gone back to drinking and I left him after living together only a few months after marrying him. We were separated for a while but I got busy and filed for divorce when he started talking about moving to Mozambique to live with his sister. I didn't want to have to try to divorce someone living in another country, so I felt a sense of urgency at that point.
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Sunshine - thank you, I hope it goes smoothly as well. As for the child support - it is not really optional, especially if children are with you most of the time, your lawyer should be able to give you a number - or you can google a calculator for your state.
LexieCat - thank you for sharing your experience, funny - my ex announced that he was going to go to volunteer in Africa and help people in need right after I filed. i had a moment where I was concerned for a second
LexieCat - thank you for sharing your experience, funny - my ex announced that he was going to go to volunteer in Africa and help people in need right after I filed. i had a moment where I was concerned for a second
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I felt detached from it all bc it had been so long and so prolonged and so horrible and then finally, in one quick hearing it was done and he and I both said we agreed to the terms and that was it. I was stunned at first. And then I was sad. Not sad that I was not married to him anymore but more sad that it was the final, concrete end to everything I had really hoped our life would be. Clearly those hopes had dissipated YEARS before, but the divorce finality was the slamming of the book and tossing it away on all of that.... So I felt sad-- for a lot longer than I expected I would actually...
These days I find it hard to remember life with him and life divorced with minimal contact with him is so much better than it ever was before, that I am happier more than I am anything else...
But there will probably always be a twinge of sadness...
These days I find it hard to remember life with him and life divorced with minimal contact with him is so much better than it ever was before, that I am happier more than I am anything else...
But there will probably always be a twinge of sadness...
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Yes, sadness is most certainly there. Friends today kept saying that I should celebrate - which I said was tacky. They kept saying that I need to be positive. I say it is fine to be sad, I reserve the right to feel whatever feels I feel lol.
One of A's problems is inability to feel bad/sad/disappointed - they can't cope. I am blessed with ability to handle sadness. This spectrum of feelings is what makes me feel alive. I now realize that they were stuffed somewhere deep inside, and enjoy coming back to life
I know you guys get it - this is why I am here
One of A's problems is inability to feel bad/sad/disappointed - they can't cope. I am blessed with ability to handle sadness. This spectrum of feelings is what makes me feel alive. I now realize that they were stuffed somewhere deep inside, and enjoy coming back to life
I know you guys get it - this is why I am here
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