Intervention for the Codependent: Love Addiction
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Intervention for the Codependent: Love Addiction
I ran across this article over the weekend & thought it was pretty well written in terms of understanding how codependents can become addicted to the addict in their lives. Since this topic comes up around here a lot, I thought others might get something out of it too.
Intervention and love addiction.
Of course, this is just one person's experience so the specific details might not be exactly the same but the overall picture is very relatable - feeling terminally unique & being unable to clearly see & break away from the thing that is hurting us the most.
Intervention and love addiction.
Of course, this is just one person's experience so the specific details might not be exactly the same but the overall picture is very relatable - feeling terminally unique & being unable to clearly see & break away from the thing that is hurting us the most.
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Firesprite.....this article is just soo perfect for this forum, I think!!
It is so relatable!.
I hope that every single person who reads this thread and is feeling love sick....reads this article.
Desert Eyes....I an guessing that it probably doesn't qualify (legally) to be put in "Classic Reading" sticky......? It is too bad.....
dandylion
It is so relatable!.
I hope that every single person who reads this thread and is feeling love sick....reads this article.
Desert Eyes....I an guessing that it probably doesn't qualify (legally) to be put in "Classic Reading" sticky......? It is too bad.....
dandylion
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Legally? I don't think there's any problem with putting a link up to an article on the Internet.
If we reproduced the article in full, yeah, there would be a copyright issue, but we post links all the time.
If we reproduced the article in full, yeah, there would be a copyright issue, but we post links all the time.
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This was my favorite line, which she writes about why she didn't want to leave her addict, abusive boyfriend:
"I thought I would lose the part of myself that was interesting and original, worth loving."
Commence the truth-acknowledging slow clap...
"I thought I would lose the part of myself that was interesting and original, worth loving."
Commence the truth-acknowledging slow clap...
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Here's another article by the same author:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/poste...=.fcff17fb6124
I'm going to share this with my teen girls, and all of their friends.
Her last paragraph really hit home:
"One night when we had first started dating, I accidentally broke a few of his dishes. I froze in the kitchen, preparing to be yelled at. But he just got a dustpan to clean the mess up, like it was no big deal, and I went into another room and cried. "
I had that feeling many times during the early stages of my relationship with my fella. That feeling of crushing relief followed immediately by the realization that THIS is how normal people actually behave.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/poste...=.fcff17fb6124
I'm going to share this with my teen girls, and all of their friends.
Her last paragraph really hit home:
"One night when we had first started dating, I accidentally broke a few of his dishes. I froze in the kitchen, preparing to be yelled at. But he just got a dustpan to clean the mess up, like it was no big deal, and I went into another room and cried. "
I had that feeling many times during the early stages of my relationship with my fella. That feeling of crushing relief followed immediately by the realization that THIS is how normal people actually behave.
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Woooow, FireSprite. I relate on many points.
" Of course people on the outside couldn’t understand why I stayed with him—because they didn’t know how good it felt on the inside. Though I’d dated other men, this time, the stakes were much higher. If I lost him, I thought I would lose the part of myself that was interesting and original, worth loving. "
"By persuading me that our relationship problems were caused by my mental illness, Jason convinced me that he was the one who saw me for who I really was, which alienated me even further from my family."
"The withdrawal was incredibly intense. My life felt bleak, empty, and pointless without the daily drama. I slept with my phone on my pillow, waiting for Jason to call in the middle of the night, needing me for one reason or another. If only I could figure out how to solve the puzzle of our relationship, make the reality match the fantasy in my mind—but I failed every time I tried."
In a similar way to the author, in my mind I have compared my relationship and love with my AH to that of Romeo and Juliet. It gives you a rush when you feel like you're in a dangerous "Bonnie and Clyde" relationship that others don't "get."
" Of course people on the outside couldn’t understand why I stayed with him—because they didn’t know how good it felt on the inside. Though I’d dated other men, this time, the stakes were much higher. If I lost him, I thought I would lose the part of myself that was interesting and original, worth loving. "
"By persuading me that our relationship problems were caused by my mental illness, Jason convinced me that he was the one who saw me for who I really was, which alienated me even further from my family."
"The withdrawal was incredibly intense. My life felt bleak, empty, and pointless without the daily drama. I slept with my phone on my pillow, waiting for Jason to call in the middle of the night, needing me for one reason or another. If only I could figure out how to solve the puzzle of our relationship, make the reality match the fantasy in my mind—but I failed every time I tried."
In a similar way to the author, in my mind I have compared my relationship and love with my AH to that of Romeo and Juliet. It gives you a rush when you feel like you're in a dangerous "Bonnie and Clyde" relationship that others don't "get."
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
.... Desert Eyes....I an guessing that it probably doesn't qualify (legally) to be put in "Classic Reading" sticky...
Give me a day or two, it's really busy tonight in the PM / email side of the house.
Mike
p.s. oh, and if I ever miss a request altogether please _do_ send me a PM. Some days it gets _insanely_ busy and I do admit to not always reading every last word in every last post.
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Originally Posted by Wisconsin
Here's another article by the same author:
https://www.washingtonpost.com/poste...=.fcff17fb6124
I'm going to share this with my teen girls, and all of their friends.
Her last paragraph really hit home:
"One night when we had first started dating, I accidentally broke a few of his dishes. I froze in the kitchen, preparing to be yelled at. But he just got a dustpan to clean the mess up, like it was no big deal, and I went into another room and cried. "
I had that feeling many times during the early stages of my relationship with my fella. That feeling of crushing relief followed immediately by the realization that THIS is how normal people actually behave.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/poste...=.fcff17fb6124
I'm going to share this with my teen girls, and all of their friends.
Her last paragraph really hit home:
"One night when we had first started dating, I accidentally broke a few of his dishes. I froze in the kitchen, preparing to be yelled at. But he just got a dustpan to clean the mess up, like it was no big deal, and I went into another room and cried. "
I had that feeling many times during the early stages of my relationship with my fella. That feeling of crushing relief followed immediately by the realization that THIS is how normal people actually behave.
This is REALLY excellent. Thanks for digging a couple of layers deeper & finding it!!
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Location: Wisconsin
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And yet ANOTHER development. Recall our sad discussion of Megan Short's family, killed in a murder-suicide by her husband on the very day she planned to move out.
If the Huffington Post is to be believed, Megan Short posted a link to THIS VERY ARTICLE by Leigh Stein as an "aha" moment for her. So very, very sad.
She Was Leaving Her Emotionally Abusive Husband. Now The Whole Family Is Dead.
If the Huffington Post is to be believed, Megan Short posted a link to THIS VERY ARTICLE by Leigh Stein as an "aha" moment for her. So very, very sad.
She Was Leaving Her Emotionally Abusive Husband. Now The Whole Family Is Dead.
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This has just floored me. Absolutely FLOORED me. I placed so much stock in the fact that I was never physically abused. Even back in 2013, when things were the worst they had ever been, and STBXAH's "friend" messaged me on Facebook warning me to be very careful because he didn't know what STBXAH was capable of, I just did not believe that emotional/verbal abuse would escalate to extreme violence with no "warning."
Today I am eternally, deeply grateful that my children and I made it out.
Today I am eternally, deeply grateful that my children and I made it out.
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Wisconsin....yes, Wisconsin, there is a lot to be grateful for, in this world of ours!
Yes, I know what you are talking about...here on SR. All the time, we hear [ep[;e who are going through a breakup....and they say things like...."I am sure that I am going to be o.k." "I know him so well"...."He has never been violent..just angry"....etc.
It is kind o like y oung people who just feel a sense of immortality.
When I used to tell my kids to put on their seat belts (after they started driving)....they would say "Oh, don't worry so m uch , mom, I'm not going to have a wreak".....
dandylion
Yes, I know what you are talking about...here on SR. All the time, we hear [ep[;e who are going through a breakup....and they say things like...."I am sure that I am going to be o.k." "I know him so well"...."He has never been violent..just angry"....etc.
It is kind o like y oung people who just feel a sense of immortality.
When I used to tell my kids to put on their seat belts (after they started driving)....they would say "Oh, don't worry so m uch , mom, I'm not going to have a wreak".....
dandylion
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It's chilling, my skin is crawling just reading that article.
I've seen people "snap" and turn into something I could never expect. My sister's 1st husband started out exactly like this author describes - abusive but non-violent. It wasn't long before the combination of the alcohol/drugs lowering his inhibitions & his ego feeling more invincible opened the door for that violence to slowly creep in & escalate.
By the time we were aware of any problems, we were literally in the middle of a crisis involving me & the police strategizing a safe plan to remove my 2-yr old niece from the home while her drunken father raged inside in the home, completely erratic. (while I'm on the phone with sis hearing for the 1st time how he's been hitting her & locking her out of their home, etc.)
My husband was so infuriated & scared for niece that he walked around outside the home, purposely engaging the drunk idiot through the windows so that he could keep his attention focused away from DN.
The cops told me to stand directly behind the female officer when she knocked on the door & to call my niece to the door. They said once she lifted one foot over the doorway, then she'd have left the home of her own free will (& I'd not have entered the home & kidnapped her) so I could grab her - they told me to run & not look back.
My sister was stuck at work with 4 flat tires because he'd stopped there on his way home. The police send an escort for her once I removed DN from the property.
I've seen people "snap" and turn into something I could never expect. My sister's 1st husband started out exactly like this author describes - abusive but non-violent. It wasn't long before the combination of the alcohol/drugs lowering his inhibitions & his ego feeling more invincible opened the door for that violence to slowly creep in & escalate.
By the time we were aware of any problems, we were literally in the middle of a crisis involving me & the police strategizing a safe plan to remove my 2-yr old niece from the home while her drunken father raged inside in the home, completely erratic. (while I'm on the phone with sis hearing for the 1st time how he's been hitting her & locking her out of their home, etc.)
My husband was so infuriated & scared for niece that he walked around outside the home, purposely engaging the drunk idiot through the windows so that he could keep his attention focused away from DN.
The cops told me to stand directly behind the female officer when she knocked on the door & to call my niece to the door. They said once she lifted one foot over the doorway, then she'd have left the home of her own free will (& I'd not have entered the home & kidnapped her) so I could grab her - they told me to run & not look back.
My sister was stuck at work with 4 flat tires because he'd stopped there on his way home. The police send an escort for her once I removed DN from the property.
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Agreed. What harrowing story, FS! I suppose the lesson for ALL of us is that although addiction generally follows the same escalating path for all addicts, the details of each person's behaviors can vary widely. ANYBODY is capable of ANYTHING as they fall farther and farther into addiction.
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Well, I disagree that "anybody is capable of anything"--the problem is that we can't reliably identify WHICH people are capable of doing what. The majority of alcoholics--even those who are angry and blame others for their drinking--are not abusers who would ever physically harm anyone. But it's very hard, especially for someone not trained, to determine which kind of alcoholic you're dealing with. It's also especially hard for the person closest to it, because it becomes part of everyday life.
It NEVER hurts to plan for safety. When I left my first husband, I didn't fear for my own safety at all, but his father had committed suicide when my husband was a child, and he had been a self-destructive drunk. I had a friend hold my handgun for me until I had moved out. I didn't fear harm to me or my kids, but I feared he might harm himself. It turned out to be fine, as he worked with a therapist and his AA friends during this time, but I was glad to have that off my worry list.
It NEVER hurts to plan for safety. When I left my first husband, I didn't fear for my own safety at all, but his father had committed suicide when my husband was a child, and he had been a self-destructive drunk. I had a friend hold my handgun for me until I had moved out. I didn't fear harm to me or my kids, but I feared he might harm himself. It turned out to be fine, as he worked with a therapist and his AA friends during this time, but I was glad to have that off my worry list.
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