At least he's honest--about this
 

I noticed AH's feet are a bit swollen and I feel a deep pain in the pit of my stomach. I know that that's a sign of cirrhosis, and of course, I'm not surprised.

As you guys know, I have chosen to go this path with him. I don't interfere with his drinking, and my magical thinking STILL sometimes has me believing that we will "live long and prosper" together. Our 40th anniversary is in January.

I was talking with him today and he was saying how he really liked a book I had given him (I think I learned of it here) called Under the Influence, because it described alcoholism as an entity--something detached from who he is--something he can deal with.

So I said to him, "that means you can choose to remove that entity from your life." To which he said, "But I don't want to."

Years ago, even when he was smack in the middle of his sober period (2000-2004), and he had even quit smoking he said to me "I feel so stupid ever having smoked."

And then he said, "I don't feel that way about drinking, though." I remember thinking of that as a huge red flag--if he had been absolutely stone cold sober for years and still missed it, I wondered how sustainable his sobriety could be--and of course, he relapsed a year or two later.

He loves drinking, and I don't think that's going to change. He hasn't stopped for me, for his grandson, for his business, for events with our children. If we just happen to be around when he's drunk, that's just icing on the cake to him, but the drinking IS the cake.

I appreciate the fact that he has told me several times that he loves to drink, and that he doesn't want to give it up. Perhaps that will help me accept it more when it kills him.

Sending you a hug.

I'm sorry. But it sounds like you have
 

reached a point of acceptance, and at least you're realistic. Many of us really struggle to reach that point, because it means that we have to face the cold harsh truth, whether we like it or not. Wishing you strength and hope.

A very hard thing to hear, of course, but you've learned to accept that it's his decision. A big hug.

Big hug to you Solomio. This must be hard to see and think about. May peace be yours on your journey.

S,
What an amazing person you are. I divorced axh after 34 years together. I could no longer watch him self destruct and kill himself.

Sending hugs my friend, you have more strength then me.

Ugh, been there.

Sending hugs.

(((HUGS))) to you.

I was married for 19 years to an active alcoholic. As much as I tried to accept his drinking, I could not accept the physical, emotional, verbal, mental, sexual, and financial abuse that came with it. I have been out over a year now and removing myself from the fear, obligation, guilt and abuse has made it possible for me to accept his drinking. I will no longer live with alcoholism and abuse. Never again.

Sue

is that something you WANT to watch?

No, I don't.

I have a couple of emotional patterns I have to work out:

a) Codependency (duh)
b) Numbing my feelings (double-duh) When it comes to fight or flight, I take "flight" every time, and it has not been a good thing.

I was reading a book totally unrelated to alcoholism the other day, but I latched on to a phrase in it that said, "Leave everything behind but your courage." I don't know what that means, except I don't think I've ever been courageous. I get props for endurance, but, honestly, what some have called endurance, I have called inertia and fear.

But what is courage? What am I supposed to confront? What am I supposed to fight? If the meek inherit the earth I think I own Texas.

So, I don't necessarily want to watch this, but I also don't want to run away in fear. When my father died, I stuffed it. When my mother died, I stuffed it (I never shed a tear, but I wore a RED jacket to the funeral--literally wearing my heart on my sleeve). When my stepfather fell off the wagon and left, I stuffed it. I live inside a "happy" bubble, but that's not a real life.

I don't see that "fight or flight" are the only two options, here. I don't think leaving someone who's willfully destroying his life (and dragging you down in the process) is "fearful" or "cowardly." Nor is it a declaration of war. You can simply open your hands and release him to do what he wants to do. Put him in the hands of his own higher power.

The "courage" part comes in, I think, to do what YOU were put on this earth to do, and to be. Your life won't go on forever, either. None of us knows how long we have. Do you want to come to the end of YOUR life feeling like all you were doing was treading water and trying not to get sucked under? You are obviously a bright, compassionate, articulate woman. There are things you could be doing with your life other than standing by watching his life circle the drain.

I SO relate. ��

S,
We all get what you are going through. By watching the people we love slowly kill themselves, it nearly kills us in the process. No one says that we have to stop loving our spouses, they are just saying that we need to love ourselves first. They say on sr, just like on an airplane we need to put our oxygen masks on first then we can help the people around us. Are you doing that?

By you, taking care of you , it is not a selfish act. It is normal and healthy act. Us codies have always put our addicts in front of our well being, that is what is abnormal.

Over time, our addicts continually need our help and we are the care takers, we help. Then it becomes an "unhealthy" help. That is why you are reaching out for help.

Your husband is an adult and is choosing to drink. It is not against the law to drink. But it is our choice in life to enable our addicts, and "contribute" to their addiction.
I read here on the a forum " it was the best thing my wife ever did by kicking me to the curb". This man found sobriety because of the wife walking away. Now I was not so lucky with my axh, as my divorce wasn't his rock bottom. But I no longer choose to partake in his life.

His addiction destroyed my 34 year relationship with him, and my family, I was not going to let it destroy me also. No one said I had to stop loving him, I figured out that I don't have to live with someone who was choosing to kill himself on a daily basis.

Keep reading and posting my friend, you are doing great.

The statement that he doesn't want to quit is universal among using addicts.

I second Lexie's post that you have more than just two choices in life.

"He loves drinking," that is a frightening statement in my mind. My AD always tells me alcohol makes her happy which tells me that with that poison as her higher power what chance do I and God have to get through to her. I recommend Alanon as a way to cope and understand what you're going through so that you can make healthy choices for yourself as well as for him. Perhaps living up to your name, Solomio is something to consider. Huge hugs and we care because we've been there.

Don't forget freeze - fight, flight or freeze. ;)


When I read this ^^, I immediately remembered these quotes:


“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor - the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant "To speak one's mind by telling all one's heart." Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences -- good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as "ordinary courage.”
― Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame


“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty..... Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

I haven't blown you guys off. I've been reading and re-reading (and praying and meditating). Plus I've been crazy busy at work.

LexiCat, your post reminds me of that wonderful Mary Oliver line:
Thank you FireSprite, for Brene Brown's thoughts on courage, and thanks to maia and the rest of you.

I am still ruminating on what y'all have had to say to me. Will update soon.