He's Gone
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I send you huge cyber hugs.
You are one of the people on this board that I have been able to relate too so much while reading your posts. I think perhaps our recovery has been somewhat been on the same time frame as well as experiencing some of the same things about the same time.
I think you probably are feeling a mixture of relief and emptiness right now. (At least I remember feeling that way)
I support you in whatever you decide to do. Living w/ an A is definately hard and each of us has our own bottom. Perhaps you really have reached yours this time.
You are one of the people on this board that I have been able to relate too so much while reading your posts. I think perhaps our recovery has been somewhat been on the same time frame as well as experiencing some of the same things about the same time.
I think you probably are feeling a mixture of relief and emptiness right now. (At least I remember feeling that way)
I support you in whatever you decide to do. Living w/ an A is definately hard and each of us has our own bottom. Perhaps you really have reached yours this time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
It does get better
After 20 years I asked my AH to leave. It has been 8 months for me.
It does get better. The peace and quite around the house is wonderful also.
I know that you did the right thing for YOU! And thats what matters most.
Hang in there. I wish you all the best.
It does get better. The peace and quite around the house is wonderful also.
I know that you did the right thing for YOU! And thats what matters most.
Hang in there. I wish you all the best.
Sometimes, It takes awhile!!!
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: where my feet are!!!
Posts: 58
Hi lorelai,
i too have broken off a relationship....here are some things i do to get through the day....and suggestions from friends....
I put a gifted wrapped box on my tv...is says to serenity, from God!!! lol (someday after I've I walked through all this it will be opened) lol
I put a picture of my ex and me with a ring he gave me on the tv under a hat..lol to remind myself that I have put him in God's hands...(what better hands could I have put him in)
I try and remind myself each moment when the pain comes that my HP has enough wisdom and love to care for me and my ex.....!!!
I say to myself outloud......I trust YOU God!!! I choose YOU today!!! over ad over while I'm walking around at home(glad there isnt a camera in my home..lol)
just a few suggestions.....they dont take all the pain away....but they make it bearable.........hope it helps!!! a good friend told me once that if i do whats best for me....it willl alway work out thats its best for those around me....i tried for so long to fix my ex.........that was very very draining to say the least....i surrender this to you God...........(find myself saying that to God often) your in my prayers bye now serenity777
i too have broken off a relationship....here are some things i do to get through the day....and suggestions from friends....
I put a gifted wrapped box on my tv...is says to serenity, from God!!! lol (someday after I've I walked through all this it will be opened) lol
I put a picture of my ex and me with a ring he gave me on the tv under a hat..lol to remind myself that I have put him in God's hands...(what better hands could I have put him in)
I try and remind myself each moment when the pain comes that my HP has enough wisdom and love to care for me and my ex.....!!!
I say to myself outloud......I trust YOU God!!! I choose YOU today!!! over ad over while I'm walking around at home(glad there isnt a camera in my home..lol)
just a few suggestions.....they dont take all the pain away....but they make it bearable.........hope it helps!!! a good friend told me once that if i do whats best for me....it willl alway work out thats its best for those around me....i tried for so long to fix my ex.........that was very very draining to say the least....i surrender this to you God...........(find myself saying that to God often) your in my prayers bye now serenity777
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
It sounds to me like you did the right thing for you. When I got to that point, there were no tears either Just a determination to make MY life better regardless of what he was doing or not doing.
It helped me a lot to think of the situation as TOXIC rather than to place blame on someone. It wasn't that he was a bad person or that I was... the situation was toxic. For me it took the blame away and allowed me to keep my focus on healing.
Like those little volcanos my kids made in school - a mixture of baking soda and vinegar - neither of which is a bad thing ... but the mixture itself is explosive. Somethings just don't mix well.
Wishing you serenity, peace, health and love
Barb
It helped me a lot to think of the situation as TOXIC rather than to place blame on someone. It wasn't that he was a bad person or that I was... the situation was toxic. For me it took the blame away and allowed me to keep my focus on healing.
Like those little volcanos my kids made in school - a mixture of baking soda and vinegar - neither of which is a bad thing ... but the mixture itself is explosive. Somethings just don't mix well.
Wishing you serenity, peace, health and love
Barb
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
((( Lorelai! )))
Big changes take adjustment, but when you're removing so much that is negative from your life in one fell swoop somehow the negatives that arise as a result just aren't so tough to deal with. When Dino moved away (the first time) it took me several weeks to remember anything I liked about him. I didn't do a whole lot of pining and what I did was delayed. It's big, and it's different and it will take some getting used to. But it sounds like you are oh-so ready.
Huge hugs!
Smoke
Big changes take adjustment, but when you're removing so much that is negative from your life in one fell swoop somehow the negatives that arise as a result just aren't so tough to deal with. When Dino moved away (the first time) it took me several weeks to remember anything I liked about him. I didn't do a whole lot of pining and what I did was delayed. It's big, and it's different and it will take some getting used to. But it sounds like you are oh-so ready.
Huge hugs!
Smoke
Guest
Posts: n/a
Lorelai
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers........you have such encouraging words for me........everytime I get lost.......you have given me strength when i have needed it.........I am giving back to you some of the strength and encouragement you have given me....
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers........you have such encouraging words for me........everytime I get lost.......you have given me strength when i have needed it.........I am giving back to you some of the strength and encouragement you have given me....
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
((( Lorelai! ))) You've been there for me so many times and I want to be here for you. You have given me so much encouragement and wisdom over the past 3 months. Please believe that I feel for you.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Thanks Everyone !
Actually, I'm amazed to find that I feel pretty good about this and had a great weekend. I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate a birthday, helped another friend paint her bedroom and spent some time with my girls.
This is so much different from the last time. About a year ago I kicked him out in a fit of rage. I cried and was pissed off and felt horribly guilty and stomped around and....three days later called him begging him to come home.
I guess this goes to show what a year of recovery will do. I'm not mad at him. I still care for him and don't blame him for any of this. There is no blame to access - this is just the situation and I owe it to myself to deal with the situation. That's all.
My stomach hasn't hurt, I haven't cried, I'm sleeping like a rock and I'm not really upset. Maybe that will come - I'm not kidding myself but I feel strong and in control of my life. I refuse to be ugly to him - no matter what he chooses to do. I will maintain my dignity.
For anyone who is considering this step, I strongly encourage you to take the steps and the time to help yourself. I would have never imagined that I would ever have this strength but, here I am. What a blessing. You are all a blessing too.
L
Actually, I'm amazed to find that I feel pretty good about this and had a great weekend. I went out with some girlfriends to celebrate a birthday, helped another friend paint her bedroom and spent some time with my girls.
This is so much different from the last time. About a year ago I kicked him out in a fit of rage. I cried and was pissed off and felt horribly guilty and stomped around and....three days later called him begging him to come home.
I guess this goes to show what a year of recovery will do. I'm not mad at him. I still care for him and don't blame him for any of this. There is no blame to access - this is just the situation and I owe it to myself to deal with the situation. That's all.
My stomach hasn't hurt, I haven't cried, I'm sleeping like a rock and I'm not really upset. Maybe that will come - I'm not kidding myself but I feel strong and in control of my life. I refuse to be ugly to him - no matter what he chooses to do. I will maintain my dignity.
For anyone who is considering this step, I strongly encourage you to take the steps and the time to help yourself. I would have never imagined that I would ever have this strength but, here I am. What a blessing. You are all a blessing too.
L
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Whynot, NC
Posts: 29
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through.
You sound so wise, so focused, so courageous.
I've been separated for six months today, and it really does get so much better and so much easier. You deserve a good life, and you're making it for yourself.
((((hugs))))
You sound so wise, so focused, so courageous.
I've been separated for six months today, and it really does get so much better and so much easier. You deserve a good life, and you're making it for yourself.
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fayetteville, nc
Posts: 1
I am new to this website and I know what you did was very hard. I have been married 15 years and am paralyzed by the fear of leaving my AH. I cannot get him to leave, so it would have to be me and our 12 year old. Not a very fun thought and overwhelming to even think about.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Lorelei I know how hard this is, but you will get stronger as each day passes. Reading from the codependant book today, and I see now that you have worked through the 5 stages of grief, maybe many times over.
1. Denial....refusal to acknowledge the reality of the situation
2. Anger....angry because the situation repeats itself
3. Bargaining.....if I just did this or that things will get better
4. Depression.....when we see bargaining doesn't work, we move into depression
5. Acceptance...it is almost void of feelings, its as though the pain has gone, the struggle is over.
You have accepted the situation, probably after going through these stages back and forth for years. With acceptance we have accepted what is. We settle down, and we know that it is only from this point that we can go forward.
You are in my thought and prayers. You deserve the best!
Love Diana
1. Denial....refusal to acknowledge the reality of the situation
2. Anger....angry because the situation repeats itself
3. Bargaining.....if I just did this or that things will get better
4. Depression.....when we see bargaining doesn't work, we move into depression
5. Acceptance...it is almost void of feelings, its as though the pain has gone, the struggle is over.
You have accepted the situation, probably after going through these stages back and forth for years. With acceptance we have accepted what is. We settle down, and we know that it is only from this point that we can go forward.
You are in my thought and prayers. You deserve the best!
Love Diana
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
1. Denial....refusal to acknowledge the reality of the situation
2. Anger....angry because the situation repeats itself
3. Bargaining.....if I just did this or that things will get better
4. Depression.....when we see bargaining doesn't work, we move into depression
5. Acceptance...it is almost void of feelings, its as though the pain has gone, the struggle is over.
Been there , done that. Now he is gone and I don't feel bad about it.
Take care of yourself Lorelei, keep your head up.
Hugs to everyone
2. Anger....angry because the situation repeats itself
3. Bargaining.....if I just did this or that things will get better
4. Depression.....when we see bargaining doesn't work, we move into depression
5. Acceptance...it is almost void of feelings, its as though the pain has gone, the struggle is over.
Been there , done that. Now he is gone and I don't feel bad about it.
Take care of yourself Lorelei, keep your head up.
Hugs to everyone
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