Weak Moments
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Weak Moments
Just venting. I am having a very weak moment. In disbelief that this all happened. In disbelief that he actually ended up choosing alcohol over me again .... I just want this whole thing to be years away. Feeling like I don't want to be home alone on this forum and crying but also feeling like going out is so much energy. I haven't missed a day of work. Heck I even got my hair done this morning and have three huge work things going on today. I am committed to no contact. I just feel like a zombie sometimes. I feel like there are certain friends that just "want me to be over it" but I am not . I am angry, I am hurt, I feel sick to my stomach sometimes... I feel like i want to binge watch netflix and cry until I fall asleep...
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi LoveyKaye.... I had a Doc tell my once cry sweetheart for it wash all the posion out of your system.. maybe you need to do that to regain a balance.. I have times where the tears just won't end... if I am alone it helps.. for its hard to explain sometimes.. to others.. I am not sad or upset .. just need to cry.... sometimes music sets me off or a movie or thoughts of friends gone.. but then give it a few hours and pop I feel so much better.. hugs LovelyKaye.. and prayers for a better tomorrow.. wisconsin
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Work on BELIEVING it. ACCEPTING it.
Yes, it was a horrible, sucky thing, but it happened. And there is no going back--it's like a house burned down or someone died.
But YOU didn't die.
I think what wears us out is all the wishing it hadn't happened, trying to figure out a way to make it NOT have happened. Still looking for a way to fix it.
It isn't fixable. Let go of your own resistance.
Yes, it was a horrible, sucky thing, but it happened. And there is no going back--it's like a house burned down or someone died.
But YOU didn't die.
I think what wears us out is all the wishing it hadn't happened, trying to figure out a way to make it NOT have happened. Still looking for a way to fix it.
It isn't fixable. Let go of your own resistance.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Those moments aren't weak...they're human. It just hasn't been that long and you do cycle in and out of disbelief, anger, and sadness. You're grieving.
For what it's worth, I don't think he ever consciously thought to himself, "Hmmm...girlfriend or booze? Booze it is!" At his point in addiction, he's mostly impulse-directed, and the impulse is to drink first and foremost. It wouldn't matter if you were Angelina Curie Rockefeller, unless you come in a bottle, you don't matter.
Weirdly, it isn't even personal. All the things that make someone a good person--integrity, empathy, loyalty, kindness--have just been washed out of him, to the extent they were ever there.
It will get better. You're coping really well.
For what it's worth, I don't think he ever consciously thought to himself, "Hmmm...girlfriend or booze? Booze it is!" At his point in addiction, he's mostly impulse-directed, and the impulse is to drink first and foremost. It wouldn't matter if you were Angelina Curie Rockefeller, unless you come in a bottle, you don't matter.
Weirdly, it isn't even personal. All the things that make someone a good person--integrity, empathy, loyalty, kindness--have just been washed out of him, to the extent they were ever there.
It will get better. You're coping really well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Guy Friend : "How is your new and improved girlfriend?"( what the ****)
My boyfriend: "well she knows not to tell me what to do anymore"
Guy Friend: "Oh so you can have sex with other girls and she can't with other guys?"
My boyfriend: "Ya I wish"
Guy Friend: "Are you sure you want to do be in a long term relationship"
My boyfriend: "Well she helps pay the rent and helps me with my kids"
Kaya
I want you to re-read your very first post here. ^^^^^ That in itself should **** you off enough to the point of getting back on track. Really?? What a douche.
Seems to me that he took advantage of a wonderful woman with a good heart. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror girl. Can you see her? Can you see that girl that had faith in a man that didn't deserve her??
You are going to have days like this unfortunately. Days where you think "what the heck just happened?" When I have days like that I turn my thoughts to all the crappy things I allowed, you hear that? I allowed for him to do and get away with. No one, and I mean no one, should have to walk around on eggshells waiting for the bottom to drop out just because the wind blew the wrong way that day. Got it???
So pick your head up and move this way >>>>>>>>>>
You've got this, I know you do!
My boyfriend: "well she knows not to tell me what to do anymore"
Guy Friend: "Oh so you can have sex with other girls and she can't with other guys?"
My boyfriend: "Ya I wish"
Guy Friend: "Are you sure you want to do be in a long term relationship"
My boyfriend: "Well she helps pay the rent and helps me with my kids"
Kaya
I want you to re-read your very first post here. ^^^^^ That in itself should **** you off enough to the point of getting back on track. Really?? What a douche.
Seems to me that he took advantage of a wonderful woman with a good heart. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror girl. Can you see her? Can you see that girl that had faith in a man that didn't deserve her??
You are going to have days like this unfortunately. Days where you think "what the heck just happened?" When I have days like that I turn my thoughts to all the crappy things I allowed, you hear that? I allowed for him to do and get away with. No one, and I mean no one, should have to walk around on eggshells waiting for the bottom to drop out just because the wind blew the wrong way that day. Got it???
So pick your head up and move this way >>>>>>>>>>
You've got this, I know you do!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Lilro 
Guy Friend : "How is your new and improved girlfriend?"( what the ****)
My boyfriend: "well she knows not to tell me what to do anymore"
Guy Friend: "Oh so you can have sex with other girls and she can't with other guys?"
My boyfriend: "Ya I wish"
Guy Friend: "Are you sure you want to do be in a long term relationship"
My boyfriend: "Well she helps pay the rent and helps me with my kids"
Kaya
I want you to re-read your very first post here. ^^^^^ That in itself should **** you off enough to the point of getting back on track. Really?? What a douche.
Seems to me that he took advantage of a wonderful woman with a good heart. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror girl. Can you see her? Can you see that girl that had faith in a man that didn't deserve her??
You are going to have days like this unfortunately. Days where you think "what the heck just happened?" When I have days like that I turn my thoughts to all the crappy things I allowed, you hear that? I allowed for him to do and get away with. No one, and I mean no one, should have to walk around on eggshells waiting for the bottom to drop out just because the wind blew the wrong way that day. Got it???
So pick your head up and move this way >>>>>>>>>>
You've got this, I know you do!
My boyfriend: "well she knows not to tell me what to do anymore"
Guy Friend: "Oh so you can have sex with other girls and she can't with other guys?"
My boyfriend: "Ya I wish"
Guy Friend: "Are you sure you want to do be in a long term relationship"
My boyfriend: "Well she helps pay the rent and helps me with my kids"
Kaya
I want you to re-read your very first post here. ^^^^^ That in itself should **** you off enough to the point of getting back on track. Really?? What a douche.
Seems to me that he took advantage of a wonderful woman with a good heart. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror girl. Can you see her? Can you see that girl that had faith in a man that didn't deserve her??
You are going to have days like this unfortunately. Days where you think "what the heck just happened?" When I have days like that I turn my thoughts to all the crappy things I allowed, you hear that? I allowed for him to do and get away with. No one, and I mean no one, should have to walk around on eggshells waiting for the bottom to drop out just because the wind blew the wrong way that day. Got it???
So pick your head up and move this way >>>>>>>>>>
You've got this, I know you do!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Yes you are growing Lovelykaya!! Keep doing it beautiful woman!
I like Aries comment about Angelina Curie Rockefeller. There is part of me that still believes that I'm so special that he should have chosen me over drugs but I know that just isn't how reality works but it does hurt!
Big big hug to you!!
I like Aries comment about Angelina Curie Rockefeller. There is part of me that still believes that I'm so special that he should have chosen me over drugs but I know that just isn't how reality works but it does hurt!
Big big hug to you!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
In disbelief that he actually ended up choosing alcohol over me again .
I recently read a book (The Four Agreements) and I found myself drawn to the 2nd agreement, Don't Take Things Personally. It shifted my mindset and within a matter of weeks I slowly began to let things go that had kept me somewhat stuck...and I started to move forward. I thought I would share it with you in the hopes it may offer you some comfort.
Take care of yourself and go ahead and binge on Netflix movies.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Kaya,
I remember going through that. I just couldn't stop thinking about what I should have done, or shouldn't have done. I was so full of self blame. I do think that sometimes we become as addicted to trying to fix things, as an alcoholic is addicted to drinking. Well, that's what it was in my case. I was overly blamed because it was my second marriage. It was, you couldn't satisfy your first husband, now your failing again. Truth---- Both my first and second husband were abusive.
It takes a lot to decide "no contact". Stick with that, you did that for a reason. We're always here when you want to vent, or just need a hug.
Netflix, (a comedy) and ice cream sound really good !!!!!!
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
I hope tomorrow is better for you.
I remember going through that. I just couldn't stop thinking about what I should have done, or shouldn't have done. I was so full of self blame. I do think that sometimes we become as addicted to trying to fix things, as an alcoholic is addicted to drinking. Well, that's what it was in my case. I was overly blamed because it was my second marriage. It was, you couldn't satisfy your first husband, now your failing again. Truth---- Both my first and second husband were abusive.
It takes a lot to decide "no contact". Stick with that, you did that for a reason. We're always here when you want to vent, or just need a hug.
Netflix, (a comedy) and ice cream sound really good !!!!!!
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy
I hope tomorrow is better for you.
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