Refiner

She doesn't want you to hear the fallout (if she files sexual harassment) about what a willing and able partner she was. She most likely was the aggressor and I the whole notion it was "emotional" only is ridiculous. She's really playing you and since she does it so well, I wouldn't doubt she purposely does not become employed again to get more $upport from you.

CentralOhioDad

Well, she is trying hard to find a job, I know that much. She has no idea that I'm moving forward on my end, so she thinks that all is well - and that I will be the same mate I've been by making sure DS is safe at night so she can go pass out somewhere in the house.

CentralOhioDad

Just found out Atty #1's rate is $300/hour!! She is the highest rate in the office, and she is the Litigation Manager.......

Crap!! That's a bunch!

LexieCat

Well, ask her how that will work in practice. Often the routine work is done by associates or even paralegals, who have a much lower rate. You might be billed for HER time only for reviewing what's already been drafted by others, her time in court or consulting with you, etc.

There's an old joke: "Why is divorce so expensive?" "Because it's WORTH it."

Here in NJ $300/hour would be a very reasonable rate.

graciepearl

Hey cod I live in Central Ohio also (Columbus) and have seen Attorney Amanda Baker she is really helpful and understanding. Divorce work is all she does. Blessings to you.

redatlanta

There is just no other way to say it...divorce is expensive. Some are way more than others. The lowest cost I have ever seen (aside from self file with agreeable terms) was around $6k for a collaborative divorce.

That might be something you could look into. She says she wants one, but then never follows up. You aren't happy, and have wanted out for a while. It could be possible she would be willing to try collaborative divorce for the sake of saving money.

Of course, you would need to tell her. Its not like she won't find out anyway she will be served if you go the traditional route.

She may balk initially, but here is the bottom line. You all can keep as much as you can between each other to split, OR you can give it to the attorneys. It goes one way or the other.

Worth thinking about.

LexieCat

red's idea is worth considering. I think the sticking point, for you, would be the child custody/visitation aspects of it. I can't see her being willing to accept the restrictions you would insist on. It's POSSIBLE to agree on the property division and have the court determine the custody/visitation issues (and who pays what in child support would really depend on those determinations). It's always worth seeing what you CAN agree on for the sake of limiting the cost.

I think you might have to go with the actual filing, though, to get her attention. And have you thought about what to do if she refuses to leave? Your lawyer CAN move to give you sole possession of the house (and custody of your son) pending the proceedings (though I'm sure she would get some kind of parenting time).

All the more reason to get rolling on this--you won't know how she will react until she does, and the sooner you find out, the clearer things will become in terms of what you will need to do.

Wells

I remember when I was married for a year forever ago, and we could not get annulled, I bought a cheap packet of divorce papers, a legal kit, and had it signed and notarized and filed it in the court, and never even walked into a courtroom or hired a lawyer. Times have changed though and obviously COD has different circumstances with property, family, etc, that I didn't have to deal with back then.

COD how are you doing sir? I know this has to be tough, as you have been in this weird limbo for so long and you know how I relate to how your nights and life has been. You were sort of treading water and now these recent things have caused you to take action. You doing ok?

dandylion

Maybe, I am from a different planet on this.....but, when I am coldly objective about it....
A divorce costs amount as much as a decent used car....I am saying one that costs about 10,000 dollars. Of course, in cases where there is more complication, it might cost about the same as a new car.
People buy cars all the time without extreme agony. They might have to jump through hoops and alter their budgets, forgo some things, etc....but, when they need it ..they find a way to do it, as they consider it a "necessity".
same with replacing a leaky roof...or some dental procedures.

Now, I am not so out of touch that I don't realize that buying a used car is not possible for those who have to live from paycheck to pay check..(Lord knows, that I have been that person).
However, without getting too personal, I don't have the impression that the OP is currently in that category.

Not trying to be snarky--just saying, that sometimes it is how you look at it.....

Lol...I am in the same category with Wells with my divorce. It cost very little.
It was a long time ago, true... Basically, two office visits....and, several phone calls.
I was kind of stupid, though, looking back. We owned a "starter house" (had mortgage payments). we had accrued a little equity..but not much.
My h usband was a stingy narcissistic jerk type. He didn't want the divorce and he threatened to "take the kids away from me". He didn't have a leg to stand on...but, I feared a long legal fight or his mental harassment of me.
I wanted OUT. At that point, I valued my mental health and my children the most.
so, I offered him the house for the agreement that I have full custody if I would leave him the house. He grabbed that offer. The child support was on the lower limit, also. I just wanted out without the fight. I saw the light...and ran toward it.
I feel that I was young and myopic for that action. But, I made the decision and lived with it...sigh.....

for what it is worth...that is my story....

LexieCat

Harder to get financing for a divorce, though. You can pay a car off over time.

Lots of lawyers will work out a payment arrangement, though, and depending on your assets and credit situation, you might be able to get a personal loan of some kind.

The most expensive of my two divorces was a couple thousand dollars, I think. We agreed on EVERYTHING, had his lawyer (who was cheaper) draft the agreement; my lawyer looked it over and suggested minor changes, and when we got the bills we added them together and split them right down the middle. And that was with kids/property but we agreed on everything so there was no time spent wrangling or hammering anything out.

CentralOhioDad

I'll check her out. Thanks for the tip!

CentralOhioDad

All good points. And I expect a big, B-I-G fight when it comes down to custody and parenting time. The rest of the issues will be gravy compared to that issue. She will not like, or agree, to what I will be proposing. She told me before that she doesn't want anything, she just wants out. NOW - once she gets a lawyer that will all change, but I will get her to say it on record at some point - either that or she will have to say she was too drunk to remember!!! It's nice having a log of everything done and said with dates and times. We'll probably spend 5% of the money and time on property division etc., and 95% on custody/parenting rights.

Oh, if I could finance the divorce, then I would be golden! Unfortunately I don't think that would happen. My credit is good, but we don't have much in savings at this point.

Atty #1 did say she could pass off most of the work to other attys in the office who have lesser rates, and she would just kind of oversee what goes on and be available to me if I want her to. I have to think about that - it presents a viable option.

I'm happy to be here and have you guys (in spirit) behind me.

COD

ardy

“I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.”

William Allen White

ardy

Mine took 5 years and someone burned my house down on a holiday.. and we had just us.. the kids and me ... 90.00 a week child support that was it kiddo.. and nothing. and he dragged me into court everytime I got a good job.. all 3 of my kids were working by 16 years of age.. from 1982 to 1989 we did not have utitlities.. and very little food.. but we had each other and the house... now my son Ivan and I chat all the time... what would life be like now if we had not had to work so hard.. so .. we have Pho and laugh and chat.. love my kids so much... if I had to do it again... knowing now what will happen then... I would still want my kids. no matter what.. life is just not worth it with out them.. Ivan Barry and Melanie.. the IBM's of the R Ranch... funny and they are all into computer's

LexieCat

Oh, and one other thing about car financing--they can repo the car if you don't pay up.

Hm, if you don't pay your divorce lawyer, do you get your spouse returned? Now THAT would be incentive to pay!

CentralOhioDad

No kidding!!!! People would be selling off body parts just to pay the lawyers!

Behappy1

In my experience... NOW is the time to swiftly move with the divorce. I understand the lawyers fees, but really the $50-100 / HR difference in lawyers is worth your sanity. She doesn't work now. She doesn't have an income to fight you. Come up with a fair plan and present it to her. You may be surprised what she'll agree too when it's all layed out in black and white $$ wise. When she realizes that YOU are proceeding and their are no other options. If our choices (hers) are limited, we'll always choose the best outcome for her.

I have BTDT and wish I would have acted much sooner instead of holding on. In the end that very "fight to save them" hurt me badly in the process.

dandylion

Like I said....I am probably from a different planet one this!

Admittedly, I don't have any personal experience with recent divorce, either.
Mine was a long time ago....

firebolt

You might be surprised. I've seen a handful of people here say that, only to find out the spouse took the divorce and custody as an opportunity to have tons of free time to drink. Their spouses ended up fighting like a lunatic over piddly things just to hurt the other, and custody ended up being fairly simple, so try not to future trip there.

Plus, shes going to hopefully have the same financial dilemma that you will lawyer wise.

Hang in there COD.

CentralOhioDad

She lost a baby several years before we met, so she is quite attached to DS6. She has told me that as many times she wanted to die, the reason she is still alive is because of DS.

She has a host of issues......