thephoenixrises

What wabttobehealthy said is so true-when my kids were young and I was so wrapped up in my A's problems (trying to solve them, be the perfect wife to not give him any excuse to mistreat me or the kids, etc) I did not realize how much of me was taken away from my kids...it wasn't until I left that I saw how much of me they needed and truly just how much I had to give, after getting away from him.

Please please please - I'm praying with all my might that you are not here in a year from now posting the same stuff again-I'm praying that a year from now you are posting about how life with your son is a million times better. Please.

BeachPlease

I agree with Aries. She'll have way more time on her hands, and that's only going to make it harder for you. Good job with not engaging while she's drinking. That only leads to more frustration on your end, because it's a waste of breath.

Refiner

Hey Dad... How's your weekend going? I'm a little afraid to ask.

lizatola

You explained my entire marriage!!! I spent too much time thinking: how do I fix this, how do I make HIS life better, how do I avoid pissing him off so we don't have to suffer his wrath????
And, I neglected my son in the process, thinking all along that I was doing what was best. I did do the best I could, I just didn't realize how sick the whole mess really was. So happy to be free from it today. And, yes, my XAH is still throwing me under the bus. I've been moved out for 20 months now and I'm still the focus of blame and his downfall. Sad.

Sunshine1234

Good luck with the lawyer COD. You got this! Lots up and coming but after you get over this hurdle you will have peace in your life and your children will thank you one day when they can make sense of everything.

CentralOhioDad

Weekend was better than expected. She was out of wine Friday night, so she went over to a neighbor's house and got her wine there and told her boo-hoo story to that lady. That was all fine with me because that meant I didn;t have to deal with her in her emotional state. As of last night she said, "All I was trying to do was be a friend to someone, and they stab me in the back!" This is stark contrast to the other night when she claimed that "You (COD) drove me into his arms because of how you treat me!" So, she was either a friend, or an emotional lover - in the end, it doesn't matter, she's effed up. Amazed at the level of denial.

The rest of the weekend was pretty calm and tolerable. Surprisingly, I did not get blamed for anything. She did go out and buy more wine Saturday - how that became a necessity when we lost a paycheck, I have nooooo idea.

Thank you for all your words of support and encouragement. And I did not miss the comment of 'you were saying these same things 4 years ago'. I know - nothing changes if nothing changes.

COD

CentralOhioDad

Oh, the latest - she said she didn't want to sue the company because she didn't want to make our life public and damage DS. I think the reason was is that she knew she was a contributor to the whole affair, and didn't want that to come out.

The lady she cried to Friday night says she should pursue a sexual harassment lawsuit, and now AW thinks it's a good idea!! If she wants to, that's fine, I don't think she's going to like the outcome when the guy comes back with: "Yes, she never told me to stop, and she replied to every one of my texts, plus started texting threads, plus always answered my calls day and night, and we talked for hours, went out for extended lunches, etc."

She ain't gonna like it. Again, it will be my fault!!!! HA HA HA!!!!

Refiner

Detachment is your friend right now, COD! How are your finances set up? If you share a bank account, perhaps now is the time to get separate accounts so she's at least not drinking your paycheck away.

dandylion

COD.....I realize t hat I have brought up this subject, before......
(I admit that I haven't combed through all of your other posts, before this one)....
I think that it would benefit you to get additional support for yourself....
I am thinking of a mens support group...or a divorce support group, or a 12 step program, and/or a personal therapist...for just YOU......

If you haven't sought such help, by this point...may I ask, why not,,,?
What could it possible hurt to get such help..?
I am not, at all, minimizing the benefits of being here, on SR, by suggesting this.
I do take note of the fact that so, so many of the persons on Sr report that availing such help for themselves was "lifesaving"......

dandylion

***I will add that some of the obvious benefits of such personalized help are----face to face people to ventilate the mountains of "ain't it awful!" stuff that goes with a situation like this (we all need to ventilate).... Validation of the feelings that you are having. Reassurance that you are justified in doing what you have to do. Help with your own self image as you grapple with this......etc...

CentralOhioDad

I did (past tense) have someone from my church to talk to, but that person is no longer available to me. Right now it's you guys (big smooch!), and GOD that gets my venting.

I have on my list to call my company's EAP provider and see for what I;m eligible. Between the job loss, my atty consults, and life in general, I can't see spending who-knows-what per hour on therapy sessions. Between working and taking care of DS and the house, time and energy are limited right now.

I'm sure it would help, however.

I've noticed that since last Wednesday when she got canned, my body seems to be on 'high alert'. My pulse rate is usually quite low and steady, but it's a good 15-20 bpm higher than normal, and I can feel it in my chest. That's a sign to me that I'm not able to get calm and relax. I've not had this increased state of agitation/anxiety/whatever, in quite some time - not since AM-I-L stayed with us for 6 months when DS was born.

I need to work on that too...

COD

Refiner

COD, what is she doing to stay busy? Is she actively looking for another job? Is she doing more around the house?

dandylion

Central Ohio Dad....Oh, yes, the emotional states have tremendous effect on th physical body *and vice versa)...as you can see...

Eap is a good way to start your search. You will probably find that any therapy for YOU is priceless.
I mentioned the various groups that might fit your needs, with the cost factor in mind. Generally, they are less costly..and, sometimes, even free. Therapist plus a face to face group is a really good combination.....

dandylion

CentralOhioDad

She did spend part of the weekend updating her resume, and supposedly is looking for a new job - we were close on getting some new house bills paid off, now we've had to tighten down considerably. She said she will apply for unemployment as well. She 'says' she wants to get some things done around the house that have been put off with it being summer and doing outdoors stuff - but she's big on talk, and usually low on action.

Most likely she'll spend useless hours on the computer reading the news, being on Facebook, etc. I set my expectations pretty low when she has all these 'grand plans' for doing stuff around the house. This weekend she did do some cleaning and the cleaning up after meals.

But for a person who was already depressed before this blow to the ego, I'm not sure what to expect. When she lost her job back in November of last year, she said she was treating it "like a vacation" until she found something. Unfortunately we don't have the flexibility that we had back then, so I believe she is quite serious about finding something quickly.

FireSprite

Sounds very fight-or-flight to me, COD. You don't know when the other shoe will drop but you have high expectations that it will. It's impossible to be prepared for something completely undefined & it is exhausting to every system in your body because your adrenaline is alternately on overdrive & then depleted.

I don't suppose you've played around with any of the breathing exercises or meditations we've posted about here? The breathing exercises can be especially helpful for getting that rapid heartbeat under control no matter where you are - work, home, etc.

firebolt

^^ What she said on meditation. Exercise helps. Spending time with animals helps too - if you don't have pets, maybe DS and you can volunteer to walk dogs at your local shelter.

Hang in there - LISTEN to your body! My migraines are nearly gone, my insomnia is better, heartburn is even better, and my blood pressure is lower since leaving. GAH I remember going days on end with my stomach in knots. That should NOT be our normal resting state...our bodies get urgent and tell us when we need to make changes....even if our hearts aren't completely there yet!

Splinter74

COD... I was exactly where you are at 3 years ago; whereas my STBXAW (Sept 23rd court date!!) lost/left her job where she was having an affair with her boss. I had had a lawyer retained at that time but I didn't follow through as I thought things would get better... obviously they didn't.

Why or how she lost or left her job doesn't matter, it was of her own doing and her own drama; but blame for everything will be laid on you. Stay strong and know that it wasn't you. Where it may have an impact is on alimony/distribution of assets; you should find out more during your consultation. You may want to start prepping for living on a single income and protecting your assets such that she doesn't drink through a lot of your savings; but again, double check with lawyer. Even if you start up a separate bank account, she will likely still be entitled to half, but it can at least give you some control over where your money goes in the interim.

And listen to your body, the stresses can have a severe impact on you. I know the "high-alert" feeling as well, and for me it was because I was worried about day drinking especially since she didn't have any other obligations after leaving her job.

Stay strong and stay the course; it will likely get darker, uglier before its all said and done, but it is worth it in the end.

Berrybean

Yes to those breathing exercises.

Oh - and sorry the hornets nest has stirred up again. Although I'm sure that you expected this exact thing to happen at some point.

Have you tried AlAnon at all? Many people really do get a lot out of the program and the fellowship it provides, plus it's free and should be fairly local. Might be worth a coffee and chat with someone from church as well. It will let people support you, and give you an hour or so away from the crazy train as well.

CentralOhioDad

I feel calmer today, for whatever reason. Maybe I'm just tired. Either way, it's a beautiful sunny day in Central Ohio, and I'm not going to let her get the best of me.

Maudcat

It's always someone else's fault when things don't go right for the A. My AB is attempting to over turn a guardianship, and has been meeting with attorneys and psychologists. The psych came to the house to interview him for competency. The AB couldn't get out of bed to talk to him--drunk or hungover, not sure. This became my 91-year-old, demented mother's fault for not getting him up in time. Can you imagine? Stay strong, but go your way. Your spouse isn't going to change.

CentralOhioDad

She has a job interview today, and is keeping busy at home.

Third and final atty consult for me this afternoon.