Expanding

I've been keeping an eye on my relationships and trying to figure out who's a real friend and who wanted to be my friend because of my codependent way of relating... I'm always there for THEM but they never are there for ME

At any rate I'm a bit leery of one friend in particular who seems to be having money trouble now that I'm about to close on my house. The rate we bought it at and how much it's being sold for is all public info and I'm wondering if she's trying to get a lot of money off of me. Her situation is pretty dire and may include jail time. How do you know what the right thing to do is? This money is supposed to be my way of paying off all debt and starting off fresh. She would need about HALF of it... ugh

honeypig

Expanding, I think I'd view this "friend" in a similar light as XABF. She made the choices that landed her in whatever situation she is in, and she needs to experience the consequences of those decisions for herself.

Once again, you are being asked to give up your own life and plans to take care of someone else who has caused his/her own troubles.

Absolutely no difference from XABF.

Expanding

I had a feeling you were gonna say that...

dandylion

Expanding....you should be a whole lot wary!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell her that the money is already spoken for and there is not a bit to spare..."sorry"!
And, then, hold the line!!

dandylion

honeypig

The good news is, you didn't come charging to her rescue! You thought "hmmm, this raises some red flags for me..." and that is wonderful.

AnvilheadII

has she ASKED you out right for anything yet?

Expanding

No, but she's told me how much she needs and why. I think it's because in the past I would have run to the rescue and offered. I'm not going to offer... I wonder if she'll outright ask. That money IS spoken for and is for me to get a fresh start in my life!

AnvilheadII

It's YOUR money....you aren't a bank, or a pawn broker. remember, NO is a complete sentence.

allow others the dignity to figure their own lives out.

Ariesagain

Oh geez NO. Unless you can afford to never see that money again..?

And I'm not sure what kind of friend would snoop around to find out how much you sold your house for just so she knows how much she can "borrow" from you?

SparkleKitty

Expanding, my alcoholic mother did a lot of things wrong, but one thing she taught us that stuck was never, ever, EVER loan money to a friend.

If she asks and doesn't like your answer, she was never your friend to begin with.

LexieCat

It kind of sounds to me like you're projecting a bit, here. You are ASSUMING she expects you to bail her out, and that that's the only reason she's friendly with you. OK, maybe she's HOPING you'll offer to come to her rescue, but unless she makes demands or manipulates you in some way, I don't see that it's an issue.

You aren't going to bail her out, you will use the money to get back on your own two feet.

LexieCat

In fact, re-reading your post, has she even ASKED you to help her out?

Lilro

Friends don't ask friends for money.
As a matter of fact, the quickest way to lose friends is when you loan them money.
As my mother would say " close your pocketbook"

BeachPlease

As a current (and hopefully soon to be former) codependent, this sounds like a prime situation where one would run to save someone. I'm glad you did not offer to help. I actually think it's manipulative of her, because as a friend she could have just shared that she's having financial troubles. The fact that you know the amount she would need lets me know she wanted you to know that and ponder it to bail her out. I'm also paranoid and assume the worst when money is involved, so maybe I'm wrong.

Keep your money. Nobody's gonna help you get on your feet, so she has to deal with her own problem.

Refiner

You are NOT responsible for her poor choices (and if jail time could be involved, they were indeed POOR). Don't be a codependent doormat who gives up yourself to "save" another. I like that saying that NO is a complete sentence. Or if you're not comfortable with that, then "Sorry you've gotten yourself into this financial situation, but my finances are earmarked for things already."