He isn't Drinking
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
He isn't Drinking
So, he isn't drinking. Four days now, not that I am counting. Not that it is even a consideration for me to ever consider staying. I just wonder WHY.
I want to ask but I know it isn't my business, nor will I change my mind about him going. Actually strike that, I did bring it up in a convo late last night after my son was in bed. I said I needed to talk since he was sober and we could finally say words to one another. I did most of the talking,. Anyhow, I asked him if he was going to get support to continue being sober. Told him how great it would be for his son to witness him sober and financially dependent on himself (trying to build him up). He still contends he does not have a problem with alcohol. The guy has been sober maybe 3 months TOTAL in 9 years. And that is being generous. I dropped the subject after that.
I just am wondering, I guess, if he thinks that not drinking for a few days is REALLY going to change anything? Sigh.
Thanks for letting me vent yet again. Haha. Warning: It might happen alot over the next 2 weeks as it becomes more clear what direction I have to go.
Pray for me. A woman I know may have an available unit coming up. I have been wanting to live there for quite awhile but units don't come up often. If one woman doesn't want it, I am NEXT in line. If it is available, I am going to take a leap and jump on it.
I want to ask but I know it isn't my business, nor will I change my mind about him going. Actually strike that, I did bring it up in a convo late last night after my son was in bed. I said I needed to talk since he was sober and we could finally say words to one another. I did most of the talking,. Anyhow, I asked him if he was going to get support to continue being sober. Told him how great it would be for his son to witness him sober and financially dependent on himself (trying to build him up). He still contends he does not have a problem with alcohol. The guy has been sober maybe 3 months TOTAL in 9 years. And that is being generous. I dropped the subject after that.
I just am wondering, I guess, if he thinks that not drinking for a few days is REALLY going to change anything? Sigh.
Thanks for letting me vent yet again. Haha. Warning: It might happen alot over the next 2 weeks as it becomes more clear what direction I have to go.
Pray for me. A woman I know may have an available unit coming up. I have been wanting to live there for quite awhile but units don't come up often. If one woman doesn't want it, I am NEXT in line. If it is available, I am going to take a leap and jump on it.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
He's "not drinking" to manipulate you into backing down, or to prove to himself that he's fine, or to.....does it really matter? Btw, he is most likely drinking on the sly...it's just what they do. I haven't been on here long so I haven't read your story or other posts, but have you gone back before with grand promises of change and a few days of not drinking? If so, then yes, he most definitely thinks a few days will cut it. I went through that as well for many years.
It sounds like you have a great plan and a great place to move...I'd be more focused on that than him - trust that you will be just fine and that he will continue to do what he's going to do. Will def say prayers for you.
It sounds like you have a great plan and a great place to move...I'd be more focused on that than him - trust that you will be just fine and that he will continue to do what he's going to do. Will def say prayers for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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letitend....I concur with the above post. Most likely, he is likely to trying to get you to back off of your plans. Surely, he knows that you have prayed for him to quit drinking.
Just the fact that he doesn't think that drinking is a "problem" indicates that this is almost 100 per cent guaranteed to be temporary.....Though, to him....4 days feels like a whole lifetime, I am sure.
I imagine that he has a long way to go before he is ready for true sobriety.
I know, all too well, how this strikes a glimmer of hope for you...even if it is just for the benefits of his son. Like...a candle lit in the darkness..
I suggest that you go to the sticky at the top of the main page, titled "Classic Reading". Read the article called: "10 ways to kno if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". I think this will give y ou a good yard stick with which to measure the degree..or not...of willingness....
I encourage you to stay the course with your plans. If he ever embrases sobriety....it will be when he decides that he wants to...enough to do whatever it takes.
I know it isn't easy, but you can do it....
dandylion
Just the fact that he doesn't think that drinking is a "problem" indicates that this is almost 100 per cent guaranteed to be temporary.....Though, to him....4 days feels like a whole lifetime, I am sure.
I imagine that he has a long way to go before he is ready for true sobriety.
I know, all too well, how this strikes a glimmer of hope for you...even if it is just for the benefits of his son. Like...a candle lit in the darkness..
I suggest that you go to the sticky at the top of the main page, titled "Classic Reading". Read the article called: "10 ways to kno if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". I think this will give y ou a good yard stick with which to measure the degree..or not...of willingness....
I encourage you to stay the course with your plans. If he ever embrases sobriety....it will be when he decides that he wants to...enough to do whatever it takes.
I know it isn't easy, but you can do it....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Yeah, I wouldn't take this as a sign of an epiphany. He's doing it so you won't leave, or he can later say, "You left me when I was sober, but then it all fell apart BECAUSE YOU LEFT."
And I also agree that the possibility he is secretly drinking--just enough to keep withdrawals at bay--is not out of the question.
And I also agree that the possibility he is secretly drinking--just enough to keep withdrawals at bay--is not out of the question.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Nah. I do not believe there is secret drinking. I can tell and smell it on him. It does not matter to me if he does drink or doesn't. I do not want to be with him anymore at all. He is selfish amd makes a horrible partner. I refuse to be miserable with him.
I truly do hope he can get sober for his son. I think he will drink the rest of his days tbh. But, I love my son enough to want him to have a sober father in his life.
I think that he may use it to throw back at me as someone said above (cannot see while i am typing on the iphone), and say seeeee I was not drinking and you still left. I am over caring what he and his family think about me. If they think he is such a wonderful soul, they can support him over the next decade.
And I know I should not even care why he is not drinking. But my brain will not let me not ask the question. It is crazy for me to think that he would even want to stay with me after I have repeatedly told him we are done. We have not been intimate for years. I guess he loves free room and board and getting to be around his son.
Thanks ladies. Putting it in perspective as usual.
I truly do hope he can get sober for his son. I think he will drink the rest of his days tbh. But, I love my son enough to want him to have a sober father in his life.
I think that he may use it to throw back at me as someone said above (cannot see while i am typing on the iphone), and say seeeee I was not drinking and you still left. I am over caring what he and his family think about me. If they think he is such a wonderful soul, they can support him over the next decade.
And I know I should not even care why he is not drinking. But my brain will not let me not ask the question. It is crazy for me to think that he would even want to stay with me after I have repeatedly told him we are done. We have not been intimate for years. I guess he loves free room and board and getting to be around his son.
Thanks ladies. Putting it in perspective as usual.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Just the fact that he doesn't think that drinking is a "problem" indicates that this is almost 100 per cent guaranteed to be temporary.....Though, to him....4 days feels like a whole lifetime, I am sure.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by Txjeepguy
I'm amazed how a's can turn it off when they need to, knowing they're going back to it once things calm down.
They turn it off, but I think they fight it almost every day it's off.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Just the fact that he doesn't think that drinking is a "problem" indicates that this is almost 100 per cent guaranteed to be temporary.....Though, to him....4 days feels like a whole lifetime, I am sure.
dandylion
dandylion
A few drinks won't hurt anything, right?
Terrible.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by Wells
Me too, I've seen it happen and it's pretty amazing. I was later told by her that there were voices screaming in her head urging her to drink, especially when someone else was or it was nearby. It was like this crazy struggle, alcoholic voice in her head telling her to drink.
They turn it off, but I think they fight it almost every day it's off.
They turn it off, but I think they fight it almost every day it's off.
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exactly. shows me that he can turn it off when he wants. I do not know what goes on inside an A's mind but it is sad that they cannot come to terms with the fact that this substance has ruined their lives and people around them too. It seems soooo easy to rationally think about that to me. It is like you steal, you go to jail. You drink and it destroys lives, you stop. That is the hardest part is that I am so rational about so many choices. It is like I see something (him in A) and I think I can fix it and rationally apply a plan of action. Now, I am at the point where I give up. I have tried and it is broken. Now I am going to fix what I know I can. ME!!
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Originally Posted by Txjeepguy
I can't believe mine got through a week in cancun at an all inclusive without drinking back in January.
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Originally Posted by letitend
exactly. shows me that he can turn it off when he wants. I do not know what goes on inside an A's mind but it is sad that they cannot come to terms with the fact that this substance has ruined their lives and people around them too. It seems soooo easy to rationally think about that to me. It is like you steal, you go to jail. You drink and it destroys lives, you stop. That is the hardest part is that I am so rational about so many choices. It is like I see something (him in A) and I think I can fix it and rationally apply a plan of action. Now, I am at the point where I give up. I have tried and it is broken. Now I am going to fix what I know I can. ME!!
Then I have to realize that the addict brain does not work in this same way. Not to say they are stupid, they have capacity for some rational thought, but when alcohol is in the mix, rational thought goes out the door, so all the rationalization that we do, cannot apply to their reasoning. When I realized that, it made it a little easier to take, anyway.
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I could "control" my drinking for a discrete period of time, when I felt I HAD to, but it would never last because there is an obsession involved. It's not that people drink without caring at all what happens to other people--it really is something that is "broken" and until it's been healed sufficiently to live a happy sober life, an alcoholic is bound to revert to the active disease.
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I just am wondering, I guess, if he thinks that not drinking for a few days is REALLY going to change anything? Sigh.
Yup!!!
He's not going to drink in hopes you won't disrupt HIS life. Then he'll drink saying it's because you are!!
Keep moving forward for you and your son and I hope that the apartment opens up for you soon.
Yup!!!
He's not going to drink in hopes you won't disrupt HIS life. Then he'll drink saying it's because you are!!
Keep moving forward for you and your son and I hope that the apartment opens up for you soon.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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For general discussion, and for what it is w orth....I know lots of alcoholics who are able to get their hands on the medications that keep withdrawl at bay...so that they can appear comfortably sober during the times that they are "off the bottle"....
This, also, allows many alcoholics to remain secret closet drinkers for a long, long, time...
On another point...many partners of alcoholics express how the drinking, when it has brought problems to the alcoholic's life. is so non logical.
The non drinker may explain that they are so logical, themselves, and cannot understand the non-logical mind of the alcoholic....
Many actually do this even when they have lived with the misery of the alcoholic behaviors for years and even find themselves on a forum asking for help to move away from the alcoholic that has/is harming them.....
Co-dependency is no more "logical" than the compulsion to drink is for the alcoholic......
This, also, allows many alcoholics to remain secret closet drinkers for a long, long, time...
On another point...many partners of alcoholics express how the drinking, when it has brought problems to the alcoholic's life. is so non logical.
The non drinker may explain that they are so logical, themselves, and cannot understand the non-logical mind of the alcoholic....
Many actually do this even when they have lived with the misery of the alcoholic behaviors for years and even find themselves on a forum asking for help to move away from the alcoholic that has/is harming them.....
Co-dependency is no more "logical" than the compulsion to drink is for the alcoholic......
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Dandy,
In your opinion, is one of the elements of co-dependency being in love with an active alcoholic? In other words, if someone loves and decides to stay with an active alcoholic (let's ignore any reasons for now) does that automatically equal a codependent?
In your opinion, is one of the elements of co-dependency being in love with an active alcoholic? In other words, if someone loves and decides to stay with an active alcoholic (let's ignore any reasons for now) does that automatically equal a codependent?
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Originally Posted by letitend
I just wonder WHY.
He may become sober temporarily
for the sake of some person, fear of some sort,
because of his job, but unless he is sincerely, genu-
inely determined to sober up for himself, his days
of sobriety are numbered.
For years we have said, "I can
stop drinking any time I want to." For years we
have believed that sobriety was "just around the
corner." Tragically enough, we never rounded
that corner; and we suddenly discovered, much to
our dismay, that we could not quit. We were like
rabid baseball fans who still hope for a miracle
when the home team goes into the final inning
trailing by half a dozen runs.
So we finally came to the fork in the road. We
either honestly admitted that we had a problem
or we continued sinking deeper and deeper into
the bog of alcoholism, resulting in loss of mind
or death. Until the admission is made, to ourselves,
that our alcoholic problem has gone our to control
we have no inspiration to stop drinking.
MANY times i stopped when the heat was on, but NEVER had an honest,genuine, sincere desire to stop drinking for me until the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality and i received the gift of desperation.
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Yeah, someone who does that may develop some co-dependent-type traits as a temporary coping mechanism, but it's not the same thing.
I never identified with the notion of being "co-dependent," though I occasionally behaved in similar ways. I think people for people who are "co-dependent" those traits and characteristics are much more ingrained, and if the alcoholic drops dead, for example, those traits may be manifested in relationships with other people. Oh, and co-dependency can be completely independent of addiction or alcoholism.
I never identified with the notion of being "co-dependent," though I occasionally behaved in similar ways. I think people for people who are "co-dependent" those traits and characteristics are much more ingrained, and if the alcoholic drops dead, for example, those traits may be manifested in relationships with other people. Oh, and co-dependency can be completely independent of addiction or alcoholism.
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