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Old 08-17-2016, 07:03 PM
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some good news

hi,
i've been busy with my kids, busy with life and trying to not think much about xAH because doing so just translates into angst for me... so, in part i've been away from here for a bit because i've just been focussed on day to day stuff and trying to not think about xAH or his antics...

he's been a nightmare to the kids this summer, drunk all the time, repeated failed breathalyzers, endless blaming, ranting and stalking of me...

same old same old... narcissistic/sociopath pattern blah blah blah....

good news... no tumor for DD10- nerve damage and hearing loss due to that but nothing tumor wise which i was a worried mess about this spring as some of you may recall...

DD8 is really struggling with xAH being a dirtbag dad... still taking her to counseling a lot, and DD10 too (but she is actually doing well with xAH being a deadbeat- the less contact he has with her, the better she seems to be)

and me... i had 2 weeks while the kids were at overnight camp and wasn't sure how i would manage... but it turned out i decided to rehab my whole house- moved furniture- repainted and repurposed old furniture, found new living room furniture cheap on craigslist-- totally made my house a new looking place and made it MINE and the kids-- removed SO much clutter and all remaining traces of xAH's crap that was here-- the kids came home and LOVED the chillax vibe of the house and the quiet spaces i had created for each of them so as to have their own spots - for homework, for reading, for alone time etc...

and i decided to take time to apply for jobs that i wasn't necessarily qualified for, but which i really wanted-- ive been out of the classroom for a LONG time as a teacher and have been a special ed teacher for a while and have missed classroom teaching SO much... i felt like i had no chance competing with classroom teachers and so i had only looked for special ed jobs in recent years...

this summer i said to hell with it and tried for jobs that i wasn't sure i had ANY chance for...

and... i got one... im taking a pay cut, will have to tighten the belt, will have to cut some things the girls have enjoyed during the last year when i had a GREAT income (but was MISERABLE in my job every second of every day) but im back in the classroom.

i tried this past year to tell myself that the great $ was worth it but it wasn't. i was miserable and it impacted the kids and i terribly. so im looking forward to going back to work and doing something that i will LOVE again.... i feel like im slowly finding my way back to the pre-xAH me and showing my kids who i once was...

im pretty happy with life right now and it's funny bc xAH is crazier than ever, raging endlessly (the latest is being mad that he did not get to claim one of the kids on last years taxes and that is bc he is not current on child support- his OWN fault) but he isn't being able to have the same impact on me that he once did.

sadly he IS impacting the kids still which is sad and makes me crazy mad and sad for them...

so, that's me in aug of 2016 in a nutshell
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:12 PM
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Awesome. Congratulations.
Very peaceful post.
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:16 PM
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I have been thinking of you and I'm so glad you posted an update! You are doing great! I have been de-cluttering around here, too, and it feels so much better to get rid of all that junk!

I hope you'll be in a position to post more often. Congratulations on getting back in the classroom! (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:18 PM
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That sounds GREAT, WTBH! I've been thinking about you, too, and so happy to hear the upbeat update!

Keep on rockin'!
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:21 PM
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wtbh.....I am so. so, so, so, sooo glad to hear this great report from you!!!!!

You deserved a break from some of the crap......

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Old 08-17-2016, 08:16 PM
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You are amazing...just have to tell you that. I've followed your story here and you inspire me.
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Old 08-17-2016, 10:41 PM
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Congratulations to you!
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Old 08-18-2016, 03:56 AM
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So happy to hear about DD's medical issues, I've been thinking of you & your girls hoping you'd pop in with an update. Your ex's antics don't surprise me, no reason to expect change there.

So excited for your new job opportunity, that's fantastic!
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Old 08-18-2016, 04:02 AM
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Great post! So happy to hear your update. Good for you finding a job that you will love., that takes courage my friend and it seems as if you are full of it! Go get 'um!!
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Old 08-18-2016, 04:27 AM
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Awesome! So glad to hear!
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Old 08-18-2016, 05:08 AM
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Thanks for stopping by, and for the great update! Nice to read stories like these.

So nice to see that the kids are adjusting. (My biggest fear).

COD
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Old 08-18-2016, 08:58 AM
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Oh what a great update. I love that you are re-purposing your furniture. Its amazing what a coat of paint and new knobs will do for about anything!! Enjoy your happy peaceful place!!
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Old 08-18-2016, 01:27 PM
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It's good to hear from you! Keep taking good care of you and your kids!

Hugs!
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Old 08-18-2016, 05:30 PM
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had another interview today- went with the same just be me approach and got another job offer... so i've gone from horrible trapped misery in my old job to 2 amazing options/offers in a week just bc i was willing to put my ego aside, apply for things i maybe wasn't qualified for and sell myself at the interviews...

of course, truthfully, since you all know me (albeit virtually, you still do!), im panicking a bit (a lot) that doing something new that i haven't done in a long time means that i have more risk of failing... im at risk of talking myself into a tailspin and worrying myself half to death...

why is that? why do i go so fast from being thrilled and happy, to worried that i will fail? it's something i notice about myself before i attempt anything new-- and i don't like it about me one bit-- not totally sure what to do about it or why it is?

anyone else have this kind of thing/feeling/experience?
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Old 08-18-2016, 05:51 PM
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OH yeah.

Yes, you are risking failure. That's what going outside one's comfort zone does. OTOH, you could stay doing the same job you KNOW you can do, and stay stuck.

I think the key is to go in with the right combination of humility and confidence. You go in willing to learn the ropes with the new job, ready to ask questions of your colleagues and bosses, but with the confidence that after the initial learning curve you can master the skills.

Sounds like you are someone that the interviewers see as a person with the potential to succeed and be an asset to their organization--and they're right!
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Old 08-18-2016, 06:04 PM
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You're human, hon. What you are feeling is nothing that we all don't feel at times. The great thing is that you have put yourself out there and gone for what you want. It's obvious that you are good at "selling" yourself.

You are going to be just fine. (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-18-2016, 06:04 PM
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It was really nice to hear a good update !!!! I really do hope you get that job that you want.

I do have a few things to ask, if you don't mind. Your DD10, I know you were worried about a tumor, but now that it isn't, is it, or can it be a temporary hearing loss? If not temporary, can she hear with hearing aids? I don't want to be insensitive asking these questions, I am just hoping for the best outcome.

You know, you asked how can you be so thrilled about something, and then worried that you would fail. I have dealt with this many times. For me, it was perfectionism. I never felt good enough to be the job that I was doing, then I would put in for it, get it, then worried that I would not be good enough for that position either. It never mattered how many excellent job reviews that I got, or bonuses that I received, I mostly felt that I wasn't qualified.

I want you to think about something. It's something that I had to think about to get through some things. My ex always told me that I was a complete waste and couldn't do anything right. I also got this in a lesser degree while I was growing up. I grew up feeling that I needed approval. I needed validation, and respect. What I found out was that all the things that I needed, it was those things that I needed to give to myself.

You have grown so much this year. You are that "mama bear", that no one will mess with anymore. You have felt your fears, and you did what you needed to do in spite of your fears. I think you are a terrific person, and a terrific mom, and I think your daughters also know how terrific you are.

(((((((((((((many hugs))))))))))))))), wishing only the best for your and your daughters.

amy

PS - Thanks for the update. I think of you often.
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Old 08-18-2016, 06:04 PM
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Yes, you are risking failure. That's what going outside one's comfort zone does. OTOH, you could stay doing the same job you KNOW you can do, and stay stuck.
So here's what I know about myself-- I tend, too often, more often than I care to admit (but that is what this place is about- admitting and being brutally honest with oneself to grow, right?) to worry myself into a self fulfilled prophecy of f'ing up.... I panic when I think Im seen as someone who is this ideal-- I feel like I am myself at interviews, and I accurately represent myself-- and then I instantly doubt my skills and make a mess of things internally for myself...

I SO do not want to do that and I am struggling with figuring out how to not feel this way....

I think the key is to go in with the right combination of humility and confidence. You go in willing to learn the ropes with the new job, ready to ask questions of your colleagues and bosses, but with the confidence that after the initial learning curve you can master the skills.
Deep down I have this voice telling me "I must have duped them- they think I am more capable than I am... Im worried I won't live up to their expectations".

It is crazy talk and I am NOT sure where the hell it is coming from but I know that it is self talk that Ive had for a LONG time and that I have a near impossible time shaking off...

I guess Im delving more these days into me and my messed up thinking totally and completely separate from xAH... this new amazing exciting but terrifying job opportunity is raising all these age old doubts in me and Im stopping to think about this all and really wanting to figure it out-- usually Im not bad at figuring out where things come from (mind set wise) but I don't know why I am so full of this anxiety and self doubt to such an almost debilitating way...
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Old 08-18-2016, 07:01 PM
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What a lovely update. Full of self discovery and building confidence....
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Old 08-18-2016, 07:28 PM
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Let go and let God...you were meant to get the job...all will be good!
Congrats!!! Enjoy being happy!
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