How can you detach from the person after it is over
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
How can you detach from the person after it is over
I am having a hard time letting go of my exAB... The memory of him. What I thought the relationship was going to be... I feel so messed up from all of this.... I am grieving and hurting a lot... They really never change do they ....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I don't know if they ever change
What I do know that we, spouses and partners of alcoholics, tend to "forget the bad" and romanticize the good.
I.e when we had a long distance relationship before we got married, my soon to be ex husband used to call me (across the ocean, mind you), and sing me a song in the morning to wake me up. I miss that. He has not done anything like that in 12 years.
What you miss is not a real person, but the idea of him, which only exists in your imagination.
I have a list of "why I am divorcing him" handy on my iPhone. Helps a lot!
What I do know that we, spouses and partners of alcoholics, tend to "forget the bad" and romanticize the good.
I.e when we had a long distance relationship before we got married, my soon to be ex husband used to call me (across the ocean, mind you), and sing me a song in the morning to wake me up. I miss that. He has not done anything like that in 12 years.
What you miss is not a real person, but the idea of him, which only exists in your imagination.
I have a list of "why I am divorcing him" handy on my iPhone. Helps a lot!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Nata1980 
I don't know if they ever change
What I do know that we, spouses and partners of alcoholics, tend to "forget the bad" and romanticize the good.
I.e when we had a long distance relationship before we got married, my soon to be ex husband used to call me (across the ocean, mind you), and sing me a song in the morning to wake me up. I miss that. He has not done anything like that in 12 years.
What you miss is not a real person, but the idea of him, which only exists in your imagination.
I have a list of "why I am divorcing him" handy on my iPhone. Helps a lot!
What I do know that we, spouses and partners of alcoholics, tend to "forget the bad" and romanticize the good.
I.e when we had a long distance relationship before we got married, my soon to be ex husband used to call me (across the ocean, mind you), and sing me a song in the morning to wake me up. I miss that. He has not done anything like that in 12 years.
What you miss is not a real person, but the idea of him, which only exists in your imagination.
I have a list of "why I am divorcing him" handy on my iPhone. Helps a lot!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
our entire perception of LIFE is based upon our memories....good or bad. humans don't come with an ERASE button.....but many humans use substances to block it all out.
you are not likely to never have a thought or memory of him or your time together completely voided. right now it's the only movie available to the NetFlix of your mind......that will change over time, you'll get access to other movies.....
feel it, embrace it, let it go....let it be.
you are not likely to never have a thought or memory of him or your time together completely voided. right now it's the only movie available to the NetFlix of your mind......that will change over time, you'll get access to other movies.....
feel it, embrace it, let it go....let it be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
I don't know if they ever change
What I do know that we, spouses and partners of alcoholics, tend to "forget the bad" and romanticize the good.
I.e when we had a long distance relationship before we got married, my soon to be ex husband used to call me (across the ocean, mind you), and sing me a song in the morning to wake me up. I miss that. He has not done anything like that in 12 years.
What you miss is not a real person, but the idea of him, which only exists in your imagination.
I have a list of "why I am divorcing him" handy on my iPhone. Helps a lot!
What I do know that we, spouses and partners of alcoholics, tend to "forget the bad" and romanticize the good.
I.e when we had a long distance relationship before we got married, my soon to be ex husband used to call me (across the ocean, mind you), and sing me a song in the morning to wake me up. I miss that. He has not done anything like that in 12 years.
What you miss is not a real person, but the idea of him, which only exists in your imagination.
I have a list of "why I am divorcing him" handy on my iPhone. Helps a lot!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
For one thing, you make sure you have no contact with him. Having contact is like an alcoholic having "just one" drink--it puts you pretty much back at square one.
You put away reminders of the relationship--gifts he gave you, photos of the two of you (or of him), etc. If you can't bear to throw them away just yet, put them well out of sight or easy access.
You intentionally avoid reminiscing about good times. They aren't coming back. At some point you can think about some of them, but avoid it for the time being.
You engage in activities that absorb you. If you had hobbies you loved, start doing them again. If you didn't have any, explore some. Take a class, or start a project that requires some thought and concentration--idle minds can be dangerous places.
Learn to cook some new foods--don't keep eating the same meals you used to eat together.
Change up your routine a bit--stay up later, go to bed at different times. Maybe buy new bedroom furniture or paint your bedroom so it looks different. Rearrange the furniture.
Those are just a few ideas. Changing your surroundings, and how you do things, will make the other changes less glaring.
You put away reminders of the relationship--gifts he gave you, photos of the two of you (or of him), etc. If you can't bear to throw them away just yet, put them well out of sight or easy access.
You intentionally avoid reminiscing about good times. They aren't coming back. At some point you can think about some of them, but avoid it for the time being.
You engage in activities that absorb you. If you had hobbies you loved, start doing them again. If you didn't have any, explore some. Take a class, or start a project that requires some thought and concentration--idle minds can be dangerous places.
Learn to cook some new foods--don't keep eating the same meals you used to eat together.
Change up your routine a bit--stay up later, go to bed at different times. Maybe buy new bedroom furniture or paint your bedroom so it looks different. Rearrange the furniture.
Those are just a few ideas. Changing your surroundings, and how you do things, will make the other changes less glaring.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
....as you know, by now, this is the necessary grieving period. The first calendar year is the hardest....
As Lexie suggests...there are lots of ways to help get us through it....
After the grieving is over...one still has the memories stored away in the musty cobwebbed corners of our minds. Unless we have global amnesia...LOL...LOL!
In another lifetime, I had the break-up of relationship....and I was a hot mess....
At your current stage...I was still crying myself to exhaustion at night while l istening to Purple Rain (a song by Prince...befor your time...lol)...
It was l ong..long...ago. Completely healed for years...don't know what I thought was so great about him....
HOWEVER---watching the Rio Olympics...and the female volley ball games...I keep thinking about him playing volley ball. He was at a very advanced level and especially loved playing beach volley ball. BUT...now I have memories..but not the pain. sort of like an old faded photograph that one had forgotten about... Memory. NO PAIN.
dandylion
As Lexie suggests...there are lots of ways to help get us through it....
After the grieving is over...one still has the memories stored away in the musty cobwebbed corners of our minds. Unless we have global amnesia...LOL...LOL!
In another lifetime, I had the break-up of relationship....and I was a hot mess....
At your current stage...I was still crying myself to exhaustion at night while l istening to Purple Rain (a song by Prince...befor your time...lol)...
It was l ong..long...ago. Completely healed for years...don't know what I thought was so great about him....
HOWEVER---watching the Rio Olympics...and the female volley ball games...I keep thinking about him playing volley ball. He was at a very advanced level and especially loved playing beach volley ball. BUT...now I have memories..but not the pain. sort of like an old faded photograph that one had forgotten about... Memory. NO PAIN.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
I always leaned on the time cures all wounds, I waited 7 years after my X left to date again, today I have a dream relationship and feel so greatful to have her in my life....point being if we give ourselves time to heal, the right one will come along.
Andrew
Andrew
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Kaya
Unfortunately none if us can answer the question of whether or not he will find sobriety. What we do know for sure is if we ourselves can change. It takes work, it takes time and it also helps the process if you cut off all contact with your Ex. Like Lexie and Dandy explain, no contact & time. These two things will help you move through the process. There is no getting around it. If there was another way believe me I would have found it already.
Hang in there my friend. What you are going through right now is completely normal, we know because we've been there.
Big hug.
Ro
Unfortunately none if us can answer the question of whether or not he will find sobriety. What we do know for sure is if we ourselves can change. It takes work, it takes time and it also helps the process if you cut off all contact with your Ex. Like Lexie and Dandy explain, no contact & time. These two things will help you move through the process. There is no getting around it. If there was another way believe me I would have found it already.
Hang in there my friend. What you are going through right now is completely normal, we know because we've been there.
Big hug.
Ro
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Whether or not my ex changed after I left her was irrelevant to me. I got my life bacK by getting out of what never changed when I was in hers.
I don't wish my ex anything one way or the other. I just know it was the best thing I could do for me.
I don't wish my ex anything one way or the other. I just know it was the best thing I could do for me.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Thank you guys. I feel a sense of solace knowing you guys were able to get to a place of indifference with everything. I hate the anxiety that comes along with this. Somedays I feel strong and others so weak. I feel like something is truly wrong with me sometimes for staying in this chaos so dang long. I look back and see just how many times I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. How many times I went back just because he said he was sorry... It all really feels like too much at times...
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
What Lexie said. Cut it all off and get it all out. The jewelry doesn't mean what it used to; the cd's or cute notes aren't potent now. If you choose not to let them be powerful. Keep taking your emotional power back. It took me months to stop sleeping with this one handkerchief under my pillow, usually clutched in my hand, but I finally did. Stuff like that is really hard. You can do it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 29
The idea of jumping out of burning car with no breaks, headed for a cliff. You can watch it go, but be glad you are not in it.
I agree with others here. True Love comes from God, which comes from within. When you love yourself, you enjoy being with people, and you can love people, but whether they come or go isn't the end of the world.
I love the idea of romance, of belonging together, etc, but we cannot own people. If you are in a place, and that someone is with you, that is great. But if you have to go get them every time. . . . the idea of "being-long" with someone doesn't apply.
The idea of ownership is the greatest cause of pain. We think we "own" so many things without even realizing it. The word "my" is the source of pain. Even words like "my mom, my dad, my wife, my ex" implies some sort of ownership causes us pain when they don't meet "my expectations."
The words "my ex" ties a thread of pain to a situation that will linger. Instead of "my ex" they are Bob or Jill. They are no longer yours, never were, actually. The only people that be-long to us are those that want to be-long with us. If we have to change ourselves, as to inspire someone to want to be-long with us, then we are being false to ourselves. Well, a little change never hurts but. . . . . we should engage in what we love and those that love it too might want to stay.
But most of all, everyone in our lives are gifts. Even someone like my young daughter, whom I love dearly, I do not own her. I love the moments we have, but some day, she will leave me. I don't know where she will go, but I will hope the best for her.
I agree with others here. True Love comes from God, which comes from within. When you love yourself, you enjoy being with people, and you can love people, but whether they come or go isn't the end of the world.
I love the idea of romance, of belonging together, etc, but we cannot own people. If you are in a place, and that someone is with you, that is great. But if you have to go get them every time. . . . the idea of "being-long" with someone doesn't apply.
The idea of ownership is the greatest cause of pain. We think we "own" so many things without even realizing it. The word "my" is the source of pain. Even words like "my mom, my dad, my wife, my ex" implies some sort of ownership causes us pain when they don't meet "my expectations."
The words "my ex" ties a thread of pain to a situation that will linger. Instead of "my ex" they are Bob or Jill. They are no longer yours, never were, actually. The only people that be-long to us are those that want to be-long with us. If we have to change ourselves, as to inspire someone to want to be-long with us, then we are being false to ourselves. Well, a little change never hurts but. . . . . we should engage in what we love and those that love it too might want to stay.
But most of all, everyone in our lives are gifts. Even someone like my young daughter, whom I love dearly, I do not own her. I love the moments we have, but some day, she will leave me. I don't know where she will go, but I will hope the best for her.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by LordChallen
The idea of jumping out of burning car with no breaks, headed for a cliff. You can watch it go, but be glad you are not in it.
I agree with others here. True Love comes from God, which comes from within. When you love yourself, you enjoy being with people, and you can love people, but whether they come or go isn't the end of the world.
I love the idea of romance, of belonging together, etc, but we cannot own people. If you are in a place, and that someone is with you, that is great. But if you have to go get them every time. . . . the idea of "being-long" with someone doesn't apply.
The idea of ownership is the greatest cause of pain. We think we "own" so many things without even realizing it. The word "my" is the source of pain. Even words like "my mom, my dad, my wife, my ex" implies some sort of ownership causes us pain when they don't meet "my expectations."
The words "my ex" ties a thread of pain to a situation that will linger. Instead of "my ex" they are Bob or Jill. They are no longer yours, never were, actually. The only people that be-long to us are those that want to be-long with us. If we have to change ourselves, as to inspire someone to want to be-long with us, then we are being false to ourselves. Well, a little change never hurts but. . . . . we should engage in what we love and those that love it too might want to stay.
But most of all, everyone in our lives are gifts. Even someone like my young daughter, whom I love dearly, I do not own her. I love the moments we have, but some day, she will leave me. I don't know where she will go, but I will hope the best for her.
I agree with others here. True Love comes from God, which comes from within. When you love yourself, you enjoy being with people, and you can love people, but whether they come or go isn't the end of the world.
I love the idea of romance, of belonging together, etc, but we cannot own people. If you are in a place, and that someone is with you, that is great. But if you have to go get them every time. . . . the idea of "being-long" with someone doesn't apply.
The idea of ownership is the greatest cause of pain. We think we "own" so many things without even realizing it. The word "my" is the source of pain. Even words like "my mom, my dad, my wife, my ex" implies some sort of ownership causes us pain when they don't meet "my expectations."
The words "my ex" ties a thread of pain to a situation that will linger. Instead of "my ex" they are Bob or Jill. They are no longer yours, never were, actually. The only people that be-long to us are those that want to be-long with us. If we have to change ourselves, as to inspire someone to want to be-long with us, then we are being false to ourselves. Well, a little change never hurts but. . . . . we should engage in what we love and those that love it too might want to stay.
But most of all, everyone in our lives are gifts. Even someone like my young daughter, whom I love dearly, I do not own her. I love the moments we have, but some day, she will leave me. I don't know where she will go, but I will hope the best for her.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I am not a Buddhist, but a lot of Buddhist thought appeals to me as being very, very deeply true.
One of the concepts is that we create our own pain either by clinging and grasping things that we are attached to, or by avoiding and fighting and hiding from things that we hate. If we just let things BE, and accept them as they are, and take care of our own NEEDS, we are much happier.
One of the concepts is that we create our own pain either by clinging and grasping things that we are attached to, or by avoiding and fighting and hiding from things that we hate. If we just let things BE, and accept them as they are, and take care of our own NEEDS, we are much happier.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Kaya,
You and I have walked a similar path here at a similar time so I will say that everything you describe here sounds like a normal part of the process. So we should take comfort in some of the stories above.
I will say as time has progressed, I have had more little moments of peace, joy and understand, even compassion (both for her and myself) than I did in the first few weeks. And yes, I still get the out of nowhere waves of sadness, anger, regret, pain, etc that take hold -- Though I have noticed when they take hold, it's often for less time and less severe. So, I think things are slowly working.
Look at all the experience above from folks who were exactly where you are right now, and all they went through. Sounds pretty familiar to how you feel now too, I bet. What I love to see is that they have come through all of that and out the other side in a better place. But to get there was to go through this necessary and difficult grief we are feeling right now.
Light at the end of the tunnel for us.
You and I have walked a similar path here at a similar time so I will say that everything you describe here sounds like a normal part of the process. So we should take comfort in some of the stories above.
I will say as time has progressed, I have had more little moments of peace, joy and understand, even compassion (both for her and myself) than I did in the first few weeks. And yes, I still get the out of nowhere waves of sadness, anger, regret, pain, etc that take hold -- Though I have noticed when they take hold, it's often for less time and less severe. So, I think things are slowly working.
Look at all the experience above from folks who were exactly where you are right now, and all they went through. Sounds pretty familiar to how you feel now too, I bet. What I love to see is that they have come through all of that and out the other side in a better place. But to get there was to go through this necessary and difficult grief we are feeling right now.
Light at the end of the tunnel for us.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi all.. what have I learned in life and love...
1. they will do anything for that roll in the hay
2. when they stop doing the roll in the hay you are in trouble
3. will try burning your house down to harm you
4. will try committing you to the county to get near your daughter..if you get my drift
5. will try killing you in a car accident
6. will sleep with others in the night on a 3rd shift job and then destroy the home in the day
7. will keep telling you that you have no idea how the world works...
8. will drain the bank account for their own personal gains and wants..
lets see did I miss anything...... don't remember my first husband being nice at all.. or the next male ..... but the one that tried to kill me.. upsets me yet after 28 years very much... my hubby now... when his meds are working correctly and he is in a good mood... there are times I can taste the way we were.. when his chemical system is working correctly he smells like sugar cookies... he had a great laugh.. loved to make his eyes sparkle.. miss those things very much...
we are the princess in a tower that an evil Queen has throw the key away.. and my Dear Hearts we only have what we pretend to have that keeps us going.... can you hear the fall leaves as you walk thro a wooded area with him.. smell the pizza at your favorite café when you are making googoo eyes at each other.. ladies .... I told him when he is no longer seeing that type of eye contact ... there is a problem.. he never notices that any more...
1. they will do anything for that roll in the hay
2. when they stop doing the roll in the hay you are in trouble
3. will try burning your house down to harm you
4. will try committing you to the county to get near your daughter..if you get my drift
5. will try killing you in a car accident
6. will sleep with others in the night on a 3rd shift job and then destroy the home in the day
7. will keep telling you that you have no idea how the world works...
8. will drain the bank account for their own personal gains and wants..
lets see did I miss anything...... don't remember my first husband being nice at all.. or the next male ..... but the one that tried to kill me.. upsets me yet after 28 years very much... my hubby now... when his meds are working correctly and he is in a good mood... there are times I can taste the way we were.. when his chemical system is working correctly he smells like sugar cookies... he had a great laugh.. loved to make his eyes sparkle.. miss those things very much...
we are the princess in a tower that an evil Queen has throw the key away.. and my Dear Hearts we only have what we pretend to have that keeps us going.... can you hear the fall leaves as you walk thro a wooded area with him.. smell the pizza at your favorite café when you are making googoo eyes at each other.. ladies .... I told him when he is no longer seeing that type of eye contact ... there is a problem.. he never notices that any more...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: PA
Posts: 29
We are all part of this big game of life. But there are many different parts with different qualities. Some of us care, some of us don't.
For those of us that care, knowing the boundaries of where we end and others begin is the most important thing we can learn. Just because we can feel their pain doesn't make it our pain. We cannot really help people heal if we think the pain is our own.
It's ok to have compassion, but the disease starts when you think it's somehow your fault and that you fix it.
Even if you fix someone for a time, they are not fixed, because the fix has to be part of the personality. Given the chance, they will fall again.
It's ok, but know if they actually very better, they did it themselves. And don't beat yourself up because they fail, it's was never about you.
For those of us that care, knowing the boundaries of where we end and others begin is the most important thing we can learn. Just because we can feel their pain doesn't make it our pain. We cannot really help people heal if we think the pain is our own.
It's ok to have compassion, but the disease starts when you think it's somehow your fault and that you fix it.
Even if you fix someone for a time, they are not fixed, because the fix has to be part of the personality. Given the chance, they will fall again.
It's ok, but know if they actually very better, they did it themselves. And don't beat yourself up because they fail, it's was never about you.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 527
I went to alanon tonight and came away with an insight. It's crazy- insane if you will - to see my exAH as anyone loving or kind towards me because he was not- he tried to rip off my money, he wouldn't get me medical attention when I needed it, he wouldn't stop drinking and he lied about, he has turned my son against me with lies. It makes it so much easier to stick to my resolve not to go back, because being restored to sanity would mean I see the truth about him and finally accept it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
