Chelsea1029

I haven't posted in a long time. Things had been better. By better I mean I had detached from my estranged husband more and although I assumed he continued to drink I wasn't around it and didn't have to deal with it. He had gotten his own place (had been with his mother) in December which helped keep him away from here. He stopped going to meetings ages ago and now denies he has a problem but also denies drinking.

Anyway to back up a bit when I first found out he was drinking a few years ago it was by a call from my daughter who said she found two bottles in his car. He initially denied this saying he found them in the parking lot ...eventually he admitted he'd been drinking daily which explained why he would come home and pass out or be sick from "something he ate." I felt like the biggest fool. After trying to change him and get him help for a year I finally made him leave over 2.5 years ago, it was hard but I am so glad I did. This forum was a life saver for me! I really appreciated all the help and knowledge I gained here.
Fast forward to today...I get a call from my son saying he thinks dads been drinking because he found a bottle in the car. That feeling came right back, my stomach dropped. I call and he says no he found the bottle in the bathroom at the campground and didn't want a kid to get it so he brought back with him. Seriously.?? He didn't think to pour it down the drain and there was no garbage...it was so upsetting to listen to the lies again! To hear that he actually believes his lies and wants me to believe them. To worry about how this will impact my kids and although my son I'm sure believed him today, what does the future hold? Why did I pick such a crappy father for them? I kick myself.
I had to get this off my chest and remind myself how much better it is now than three years ago and remind myself of the behaviors I should expect. I shouldn't be so bothered by the lies but I am.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

Bekindalways

Welcome back Chelsea, and so sorry to hear what is going on.

Alcoholics do what they do. I hope you can keep developing those detachment muscles.

Big hug to you.

Lilro

Welcome back Chelsea.
Are you two still married? If so, have you given any thought to YOUR liability if your husband got into any legal trouble? Just wondering.....

As far as beating yourself up about giving your kids a crappy father, well, cut yourself some slack. It is what it is. I think about that also sometimes but then I think that I wouldn't have my son if it wasn't for his crappy dad so OK, good Trade-off. Your kids have YOU.
I guess now would be the time to set some rules with your husband. No drinking and driving with your kids in the car. Period.
Keep posting and hang in there!!

LordChallen

Helps to remember that this is a disease that no one would wish upon themselves. If your husband had some form of terminal cancer it would be sort of the same thing. Don't beat yourself up. You didn't pick a diseased person. The disease picked someone you love.

LexieCat

He doesn't believe that particular lie--that he found the bottle in the campground and was being a responsible adult--but he desperately hopes everyone else will.

Lilro asks a good question--is the car in your name? You could be sued if he injures someone while driving drunk. And yeah, I'd be worried about his driving the kids while under the influence. "Disappointment" is one thing--putting the kids at actual physical risk is another.

AnvilheadII

i think a previously opened, not empty bottle of booze IN the car is about all i need to put the kybosh on him driving the kids ANYWHERE.

i would also have a talk with my son about this.....and use dad's "excuse" as a talking point about the lengths problem drinkers will go to in order to hide and protect their drinking. that having booze IN the car is NEVER acceptable and that he has the right to refuse to get IN the car with the father if he even suspects drinking.

Chelsea1029

Thank you for the replies. I paid an attorney two years ago $3,000 for a separation agreement and JUST got the draft after pretty much harassing her for it. Now I just need him to sign it. I told him on the phone yesterday he needed to read it and then we would sign,. I think he will now that this happened. If not I will just file for divorce at some point but definitely with a different attorney. Cars, insurance, etc...are all in separate names. I of course want it to be legal though. I am so upset by all of this. He hardly ever has the kids overnight. He's had my son only a handful of times and I never let him drive if I suspect he's been drinking. I haven't seen the signs in a long time so I assumed he was waiting til he wasn't around them. I guess he couldn't go four days while with my son. I know they haven't driven anywhere while there but it still makes me worry and angry. He shouldn't be drinking with him at all. He of course just denied and changed the subject. Now I question if I even know if he's been drinking...

I will talk to my son it just make me so sad for them that this is their father. I need to make other arrangements for him for rides now. Because I don't trust that I can judge it.

AnvilheadII

come on chelsea....why ELSE would he have BOOZE in the CAR?

LexieCat

Well, my second husband took to hiding his bottles in the car while he was drinking at home. So it's not unheard-of, as a hiding place. Still, too close for MY comfort.

letitend

I second that Lexie. I have found bottles in some really odd places (to me anyways). Under the bathroom sink, in closets, in the BBQ, LOL.

I have also seen him pee in trash cans, the stove and once down the stairs on the carpeting. I have to tell you I was pretty LIVID about that one. Oh yeah, and all down the sides of the toilet and once in the closet on shoes.

But he wasn't drunk, ooooh no, and that wasn't his booze under the sink in the bathroom either. It belonged to the boogeyman apparently.

pndm07

Hi - try not to beat up on yourself about him being the kids' father. I sometimes do the "crappy father" thing to myself too; it's hard not to. But as others have said, they have you as their mother, and you are setting the right examples for them.
As for the lying about drinking, that's just what alcoholics do. They are very predictable that way. Just keep your kids safe. Wishing you luck.