I feel like...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Originally Posted by Thumper 
If only I said it right, at the right time, in the right way with the right words. But no. He heard. It was a matter of acceptance on my part.
I second what everyone is saying i.e. don't worry about what you say to him; he's a drunk and can't really process what you say anyhow.
Work on taking whatever teeny steps you can to prepare to leave: make copies, look at ads for apartments, talk to a lawyer, set up a bank account. If that miracle happens (it probably won't) you can always stop planning .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
Wow. I do a lot of the same things. And you are right, it is to buy time. I feel like either a miracle will happen, and he will have an epiphany OR something "big " like a dui or heaven forbid worse should happen before I'd have a push. It's wrong thinking, I know, but I'm so stuck. And unprepared.
I'm gone now because I finally got to a point where I hated myself enough to leave. I also saw my sweet little boy following him around, right in his foot steps out in the yard - and it was such sad and frightening thing.
Looking back I don't think that would have been enough anyway. MANY lines had been crossed that I said I never would. I was so far off my path that it wasn't about what he was doing - it was about giving myself permission.
If you don't have a counselor I urge you to find one. I went short term but I found it incredibly helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Thumper
I used to cry at night, in bed, after everyone was asleep - praying that he would hit me or cheat on me. For real. That is insane. I felt like if he did that I would give myself permission to leave. That would be a line in the sand.
I'm gone now because I finally got to a point where I hated myself enough to leave. I also saw my sweet little boy following him around, right in his foot steps out in the yard - and it was such sad and frightening thing.
Looking back I don't think that would have been enough anyway. MANY lines had been crossed that I said I never would. I was so far off my path that it wasn't about what he was doing - it was about giving myself permission.
If you don't have a counselor I urge you to find one. I went short term but I found it incredibly helpful.
I'm gone now because I finally got to a point where I hated myself enough to leave. I also saw my sweet little boy following him around, right in his foot steps out in the yard - and it was such sad and frightening thing.
Looking back I don't think that would have been enough anyway. MANY lines had been crossed that I said I never would. I was so far off my path that it wasn't about what he was doing - it was about giving myself permission.
If you don't have a counselor I urge you to find one. I went short term but I found it incredibly helpful.
I totally get that. A few weeks ago he almost jumped out our moving vehicle (I was driving ) and wished that he had. Lol. Like, get lost buddy- don't care. It's sad.
All because he was trying to discipline our children for acting up on the drive. And I wouldn't pull over, because I had already addressed it with them, but he felt I was "too nice". So in order to teach them valuable life lessons he loses it and terrorized them?¿ makes zero sense and I'm embarrassed to even admit that happened. First time I've shared that.
But all of this crap is fueling me to do what I need to. I am also revisiting my counselor next week.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
I also work for an attorney, and my paperwork is just ready to print when I say. Boom. 
Well looky there! You're more ahead of the game than you think. What I've learned from the lovely folks on SR is, when you're done, you're just done.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I'd say that it is "BOOM" time.
Another explanation to him is continuing to make YOUR behavior contingent on HIS behavior. It gives all the power to HIM, not YOU.
You can take back your power and DO what you need to do for you and your kids.
He terrorized your kids by trying to jump out of the car at the same time he devalued you to them as a parent by devaluing the discipline you'd already done. That's not good.
We say about our alcoholic partners: "Watch what they DO, not what they SAY".
Think about what they are learning when they watch him terrorize you, AND devalue your parenting, and you let it happen.
To me, it would be time to DO, not appear to approve his behavior with your kids.
Think about what actions you could/would take right now, if you see yourself as empowered and not subservient to his bad behavior.
That incident alone might just be destructive enough to you and your kids to warrant talking to your boss and having the papers served on him.
That would be an ACTION taken based on his crossing a boundary.
That would require him to choose between continuing his bad behavior and having the divorce go forward, or deciding to truly take inventory of how his behavior is affecting you and the kids, and choosing to change.
You are stuck in a reactive, passive position now. And it has not made any difference in his behavior. He just gets more time to continue doing what he wants to do.
It may be time to own your own power and take action so that you can live the way you want and protect your kids from him.
To me, when I haven't taken a course of action that appears to be much more productive than what I have been doing, I often find that, underneath my waffling, there is some sneaky way that I am more invested in the status quo than I realize. When I sort that out, and own my fears or whatever I am subterraneanly getting out of the situation, it often frees me.
We are all here to support you, and we know how hard it is. This was said with empathy, take what you want, and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Another explanation to him is continuing to make YOUR behavior contingent on HIS behavior. It gives all the power to HIM, not YOU.
You can take back your power and DO what you need to do for you and your kids.
He terrorized your kids by trying to jump out of the car at the same time he devalued you to them as a parent by devaluing the discipline you'd already done. That's not good.
We say about our alcoholic partners: "Watch what they DO, not what they SAY".
Think about what they are learning when they watch him terrorize you, AND devalue your parenting, and you let it happen.
To me, it would be time to DO, not appear to approve his behavior with your kids.
Think about what actions you could/would take right now, if you see yourself as empowered and not subservient to his bad behavior.
That incident alone might just be destructive enough to you and your kids to warrant talking to your boss and having the papers served on him.
That would be an ACTION taken based on his crossing a boundary.
That would require him to choose between continuing his bad behavior and having the divorce go forward, or deciding to truly take inventory of how his behavior is affecting you and the kids, and choosing to change.
You are stuck in a reactive, passive position now. And it has not made any difference in his behavior. He just gets more time to continue doing what he wants to do.
It may be time to own your own power and take action so that you can live the way you want and protect your kids from him.
To me, when I haven't taken a course of action that appears to be much more productive than what I have been doing, I often find that, underneath my waffling, there is some sneaky way that I am more invested in the status quo than I realize. When I sort that out, and own my fears or whatever I am subterraneanly getting out of the situation, it often frees me.
We are all here to support you, and we know how hard it is. This was said with empathy, take what you want, and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1
I'd say that it is "BOOM" time.
Another explanation to him is continuing to make YOUR behavior contingent on HIS behavior. It gives all the power to HIM, not YOU.
You can take back your power and DO what you need to do for you and your kids.
He terrorized your kids by trying to jump out of the car at the same time he devalued you to them as a parent by devaluing the discipline you'd already done. That's not good.
We say about our alcoholic partners: "Watch what they DO, not what they SAY".
Think about what they are learning when they watch him terrorize you, AND devalue your parenting, and you let it happen.
To me, it would be time to DO, not appear to approve his behavior with your kids.
Think about what actions you could/would take right now, if you see yourself as empowered and not subservient to his bad behavior.
That incident alone might just be destructive enough to you and your kids to warrant talking to your boss and having the papers served on him.
That would be an ACTION taken based on his crossing a boundary.
That would require him to choose between continuing his bad behavior and having the divorce go forward, or deciding to truly take inventory of how his behavior is affecting you and the kids, and choosing to change.
You are stuck in a reactive, passive position now. And it has not made any difference in his behavior. He just gets more time to continue doing what he wants to do.
It may be time to own your own power and take action so that you can live the way you want and protect your kids from him.
To me, when I haven't taken a course of action that appears to be much more productive than what I have been doing, I often find that, underneath my waffling, there is some sneaky way that I am more invested in the status quo than I realize. When I sort that out, and own my fears or whatever I am subterraneanly getting out of the situation, it often frees me.
We are all here to support you, and we know how hard it is. This was said with empathy, take what you want, and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
Another explanation to him is continuing to make YOUR behavior contingent on HIS behavior. It gives all the power to HIM, not YOU.
You can take back your power and DO what you need to do for you and your kids.
He terrorized your kids by trying to jump out of the car at the same time he devalued you to them as a parent by devaluing the discipline you'd already done. That's not good.
We say about our alcoholic partners: "Watch what they DO, not what they SAY".
Think about what they are learning when they watch him terrorize you, AND devalue your parenting, and you let it happen.
To me, it would be time to DO, not appear to approve his behavior with your kids.
Think about what actions you could/would take right now, if you see yourself as empowered and not subservient to his bad behavior.
That incident alone might just be destructive enough to you and your kids to warrant talking to your boss and having the papers served on him.
That would be an ACTION taken based on his crossing a boundary.
That would require him to choose between continuing his bad behavior and having the divorce go forward, or deciding to truly take inventory of how his behavior is affecting you and the kids, and choosing to change.
You are stuck in a reactive, passive position now. And it has not made any difference in his behavior. He just gets more time to continue doing what he wants to do.
It may be time to own your own power and take action so that you can live the way you want and protect your kids from him.
To me, when I haven't taken a course of action that appears to be much more productive than what I have been doing, I often find that, underneath my waffling, there is some sneaky way that I am more invested in the status quo than I realize. When I sort that out, and own my fears or whatever I am subterraneanly getting out of the situation, it often frees me.
We are all here to support you, and we know how hard it is. This was said with empathy, take what you want, and leave the rest.
ShootingStar1
You are so very right. The support here ALWAYS makes me feel better, validated, and someone also sees things I don't or in a way I hadn't considered. I need to identify what's keeping me "stuck"
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