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Fear of being dependent

Old 08-17-2016, 04:38 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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What is a stronger trigger for you: the continued debt until you pay off your car, or the thought of being "dependent" on someone else. (In quotes because that's how YOU may see it, but it may not be reality).

As bluelily said, having a car may be an important simple of independence. OTOH, debt may be an important symbol of slavery. It depends on the symbol that scares you the most.

What will make you feel more comfortable: to be out of debt, or to have your own wheels?
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Old 08-17-2016, 04:46 PM
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Originally Posted by SoloMio View Post
What is a stronger trigger for you: the continued debt until you pay off your car, or the thought of being "dependent" on someone else. (In quotes because that's how YOU may see it, but it may not be reality).

As bluelily said, having a car may be an important simple of independence. OTOH, debt may be an important symbol of slavery. It depends on the symbol that scares you the most.

What will make you feel more comfortable: to be out of debt, or to have your own wheels?
Excellent question. When I was married, we had no debt except our mortgage. I hate debt, I hate knowing I accrue interest instead of earning interest on my investments. I do believe in wealth management and retirement planning and DEBT does not fit my financial goals.

Yet, on the other hand, I also think my car is my freedom to some degree. I bought it myself right before I left my XAH. It was the first real financial decision I made outside of my marriage, even before I found my rental home, etc. Maybe it's just the symbolism of it all?
I'll have to journal about it and meditate on it. Thank you for the perspective!
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Old 08-17-2016, 06:06 PM
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Personally it would come down to this to me, is your credit good? And can you go buy a car today, tomorrow or whenever?

If it is, and you want to unload debt I would take him up on it. Take the car payments you are making now, and put it in savings.

Then in a year, sell the Audi and use that money for a downpayment on a lower priced car.

Or, keep driving it and saving the money.

I would only NOT do this if my credit were bad, and I could not easily replace a car within an hour at a dealership. Then you are really losing some of your power in the relationship and dependent on him.
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Old 08-17-2016, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
Personally it would come down to this to me, is your credit good? And can you go buy a car today, tomorrow or whenever?

If it is, and you want to unload debt I would take him up on it. Take the car payments you are making now, and put it in savings.

Then in a year, sell the Audi and use that money for a downpayment on a lower priced car.

Or, keep driving it and saving the money.

I would only NOT do this if my credit were bad, and I could not easily replace a car within an hour at a dealership. Then you are really losing some of your power in the relationship and dependent on him.
Yes, I have good credit. And, yes, I could go buy a car today or tomorrow or in a year because I have enough money saved and put away for a down payment for a car.
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Old 08-18-2016, 04:25 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Yes, I have good credit. And, yes, I could go buy a car today or tomorrow or in a year because I have enough money saved and put away for a down payment for a car.
Then I don't see it as a problem, or controlling.

The problem arises when you are truly dependent, like you have nowhere to go, nothing to drive and no way out except by the grace of another person funding it. We see that often here.

As long as you ALWAYS have your finances, your good credit, and the ability to do what you want, he controls nothing.
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Old 08-18-2016, 06:10 AM
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Honestly, the more I think about it....I think I'm going to head to the car dealership and just inquire about a nice used Camry and see if I can trade in my Venza. I haven't had 1 thing....not 1...wrong with my Toyota so far and I had a Highlander and few Lexus vehicles that never did me wrong over the years either.
Good idea. I'd stick with one of the options that keeps a car in your name. Not saying anything whatsoever about your bf. For me, having had a car in my own name since I was 16, it would be unthinkable to not have that. Even if someone offered me a 100% free and better car I'd have it in my name or turn down the offer.

Knowing you're financially independent is huge. Having your own assets is huge. I see nothing whatsoever wrong with your bf's offers but still, driving someone else's car - yuk. Just my opinion.
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Old 08-18-2016, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by 53500 View Post
Good idea. I'd stick with one of the options that keeps a car in your name. Not saying anything whatsoever about your bf. For me, having had a car in my own name since I was 16, it would be unthinkable to not have that. Even if someone offered me a 100% free and better car I'd have it in my name or turn down the offer.

Knowing you're financially independent is huge. Having your own assets is huge. I see nothing whatsoever wrong with your bf's offers but still, driving someone else's car - yuk. Just my opinion.
I hear you. My name is actually on my son's Lexus.
My big issue is that I don't become too dependent on my boyfriend. It's about protecting myself from future codependency and from an imbalanced relationship.

He may not see it that way honestly. He doesn't come from dysfunction like I do and so he doesn't understand how his helping me can be construed as anything other than what it is. He's very direct and straightforward. There are no game with him. He doesn't understand manipulation or passive aggressiveness. I mean, he truly can't wrap his brain around it and he walks away from folks that bring those things into relations with him mainly because he can't read between the lines.

I mean, literally, the man does not read cues. I can NOT ever beat around the bush with him or drop a cue that I'd like him to do something differently. I have to spell it out exactly as I'd like it to be. There's something refreshing about being in a relationship where I don't have to always react or wait for the other shoe to drop.
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Old 08-18-2016, 10:17 AM
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I'm cue-less, or 'clueless', as well most times.
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Old 08-18-2016, 04:31 PM
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
I'm cue-less, or 'clueless', as well most times.
You know, he's not that clueless.

Last night he saw that i fell asleep with my computer on my lap. He came in and closed it down and asked me if I needed anything. I was half asleep and asked him to get me a blanket from the closet because our comforter is too heavy. He got it and then laid it over me gently making sure I was covered well and asked me if I needed anything else. Now, mind you, the man's RA was acting up and he had already taken a muscle relaxer so he was half asleep himself, lol. He climbed into bed and grabbed my hand and we were out in seconds.

Anyway, my point is: the guy is good to me. So, he's not completely clueless. He just doesn't get body language or subtle clues. He doesn't understand flirting very well...although he did ask for a racy picture over the weekend while he was out with some friends so that was shocker, lol. We had been apart for a few days on separate weekend vacations. Absence makes the heart grown fonder, lol.
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