sdg928

My AH stopped drinking as of Sept. 8th, but now he has decided that since he made a decision to stay away from alcohol, he should be able to smoke pot. I just don't understand why he needs to be altered? On one hand I feel extremely frustrated at his need to use any type of substance to relax and enjoy life, but on the other hand, I'm thankful that he isn't drinking because alcohol made him belligerent and abusive toward me.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing or should I be concerned that he will become a habitual pothead? I know that there are a lot of people who use marijuana and don't think it's such a big deal. I was raised to believe that marijuana is "so taboo" and dangerous, etc. that now I don't know if I am overreacting like my husband claims I am.

Does anyone have any experience or advice with this issue? Am I being a goody two shoes or what?

Peaches04

HI sdg928... I think the answer is that this is a personal choice and depends on your boundaries. I have the same issue with my husband; however, the pot bothers me even more than the drinking. I don't want him to be under the influence of anything at all and I think the base-line problem remains the same. It seems they are looking for another substance to prevent them from having to 'deal' with life. I have 2 small children and it enrages me to no end when he smokes pot..but, again - that's my feeling and for you, it may not be a problem. I can't handle that. I'm sorry - I know how tough this is... I asked mine to leave if he did not give up both, and he is drying out for 30 days - but, I've already decided that even if he makes it, pot will not be the 'fall back' escape from reality. It is mood altering and it is harmful and it is illegal. But, again, it's completely personal...I just hate it and feel very strongly about it for me. I'm sure others might disagree. Hang in there - and you are right - it is a good thing he is not drinking!

bikewench

Switching addictions... and being "altered"...

In a perfect world... we wouldn't need anything to cope... cause we wouldn't have learned to use to cope...

But.. we humans like pleasure as well... and that can also be a determinant to use...

My mate has been high on pot for the last 3 years... and he used for 6 years before that behind my back..

A couple of months ago... I was thinking of asking him to leave ... but then I realized I was simply a sinner throwing stones...

I use in ways that take me away from him as well...

Bottom line...
If I'm focusing on my life... and what is making me feel whole and worthy... then what others are doing becomes mostly a moot point...

ASpouse

No I don't think you're over reacting at all and I agree, why smoke pot because he's not drinking.

Personally, I think once he starts smoking pot, he'll start drinking again also. The two seem to go hand in hand.

But then again, maybe not.

Are you being a goody two shoes? Look you feel the way you feel, if you think it's bad and you don't like him smoking it then that's ok. There is no need for him to resort to name calling (if he called you that) and he should respect your feelings, plain and simple.

sdg928

Thanks to all for your replies. I don't know what I would do without this message board lately.

ASpouse, you said something that hits home for me....I am afraid that this new pot smoking is going to eventually lead him back to alcohol.

I used to not have a problem with alcohol and felt that marijuana was much worse, that is until I started to notice the changes and the abusive behavior that was resulting from my husband's drinking. I asked him to leave in early September because I couldn't take his binge drinking and abusive behavior anymore. Asking him to leave is what prompted him to promise to stop drinking for good. I was skeptical, but like the rest of us, I was still holding on to that little piece of hope that always surfaces. Then last week he decides that it's okay for him to smoke pot because it doesn't make him mean the way alcohol does.

I can't seem to get my head clear anymore. I'm so clouded. I don't think I would have a problem with my husband smoking pot once in a great while. My concern is that for him "once in a great while" will become a weekly or daily event.

This morning my husband told me that he doesn't believe that I love him anymore because last night when I came home, he sensed my disgust with him. He claims that he feels insecure in our marriage and thinks that I want to leave him, but that I am afraid of being alone and starting over. I feel that the reality is that I do love him and even though I am afraid of starting over, it's not something that I wouldn't do just out of fear. Honestly, I was disgusted with him when I came home last evening. Not because I don't love him, but because he was high.

I suppose that only time will tell. I wish I could fast forward my life to six months from now and see where I will be.

WHYOWHY

For Me.......
It is not the Pot OR the Booze ..

One is the same as the other to me when it is being used by my AH
or anyone for that matter ...who I am spending one on one time with.

Not only does it make me feel like they aren't "connecting" with me.
It also makes me feel that because their level of conciousness is altered...anything that I say to them ....is being "understood" in a different way than I mean it.
I also feel like - Hey - Aren't I interesting enough to be with & isn't LIFE interesting enough to experience........without this stuff ?!!!
It's very frustrating........

Peaches04

Hi again - well, you said it yourself when your write that "it disgusts you". I can so relate! I spent a long time and even went to see a counselor trying to figure out why it bothered me so much and if I was being unreasonable about my disdain. Then I realized it didn't matter 'why' - it just did! I can't stand it..I don't want to be around someone who is altered -high, drunk, anything! I think of it this way - is there anyone else in the world that I would hang out with that was high..hell no! So, why should I expect myself to make exceptions for the one person I chose as a partner in life. That would be being untrue to myself. If it disgusts you, it disgusts you...it shouldn't be a debate about if there is something wrong with you for feeling that way. It is just another substance to abuse and not focus on reality. I'm with whyowhy.. alchohol and pot is just substituting one for the other. And if you have a problem with it -don't make the mistake I did trying to pretend it should be okay for you to accept - be true to yourself.

skyleh

Yeah...the first time mine stopped drinking thats what he did too. Since then he has been doing both ever since. Your not over reacting. Everyone has their own opinion. If it bothers you then its a problem. I know it is for me. If he gets caught he looses his job..that would hurt our family..another way to hurt us.

Besides the Cross-Addiction-factor...its replacing one addiction with another. When mine is smoking and drinking..he drinks more..when he was not drinking he was "puffing" every 10 minutes it seemed.

I have had that discussion with my AH more times than I can count.."why do you have to live in an altered state" the answer..."I just like it" BULL

Good luck to you...set your boundries however you feel they need to be set.

sdg928

I feel the same as whyowhy. I don't understand why someone can't enjoy life and be happy with me without being altered. And I can also relate to skyleh's husband's reaction that "he just likes it". I get the same weak answer from my own husband.

I think deep down I know that things aren't going to work out with my marriage because of the substance issues, but I also don't feel ready to let go. I know I have to be stronger than this take the step to move on with my life on my own. I think that my husband is sensing that I want to move on as well. One of the things that makes it so hard to let go is how incredible I find it that someone can allow their marriage to be destroyed, throw away a life with someone who loves them, throw away their future dreams with that person, all so that they can continue to live in an altered state of being.

brightlight

Mine just thinks I will change and accept this. I will stop yelling, but my life is going forward. I am making the decisions because he is not, so he is going to be the one along for the ride. LOL

ASpouse

He probably does "Just like it" ......... I asked my AH why he drank and he told me "I just like it". Not much I could say to that. Don't make it into more than what it is.

You asked him why, and he told you. You have to accept his answer whether you believe it or not. People don't always answer our questions the way we want them to.

I remember when I asked my husband why he drank so much, I expected to hear that he had "a horrible childhood, his father abandoned him, he was depressed, he had no coping skills for lifes problems, the death of our son", but nope, the answer I got was "I Like to Drink". Now really, how does one respond to that?

We can't control the answers we get ....... we can only control the answers we give.

sdg928

ASpouse, you are right, I think he does "just like it". I wish he didn't, but I know I can't change that.

I think I am becoming depressed over my inability to make a decision and stick with it. One minute I think I can handle him living his life the way he wants to even if that means he is going to smoke pot now and then, and the next minute I think that I can't tolerate it.

I can't focus at work, I can't eat, I can't sleep. We went to counselling but it didn't seem to help. AH insists I should live and let live. That I should love him the way he is. That I should be happy that he recognized that the alcohol was so detrimental to us and that he has committed to never drink again.

ASpouse

Oh does he really think that? Bahahahahahahaha!

How nice of him to let you know how you should feel! Please go back and read what you wrote. Perhaps I'm over reading into it, but if someone, anyone told me that I should be happy that blah blah blah and I should be pleased about blah blah blah, that would depress me too if I didn't agree with what they said.

Perhaps you should live and let live .......... and if he calls you and needs help, perhaps with a traffic violation or money you can simply say "Well, live and let live, ya know?"

I'm sorry, I'm getting punchy for so late in the day and I am tired.

Stop listening to him and act the way you feel. If you don't like it and don't wish to accept it then don't. It's your life, which is all you can control.

katgirl

I ask my SOA the same thing ... Why do you need something eles when you stop drinking... he said it to keep his mind from drinking ..

sdg928

ASpouse,

You are so right! I don't even know why I keep listening to him. A big part of me wants so badly to get on with my life. But I think I am so scared to be alone that I prevent myself from leaving him. We moved 2 hours away from my family last year and I'm currently running my own business. I have access to an unfurnished apartment that I could go stay in and probably afford on my own. I'm just so scared. I don't have friends or family in this town yet. Maybe this weekend I can move some of my things out and try to start living on my own. Although, just thinking about it is making my heart pound. I don't want to fall into a deeper depression and I'm afraid being alone might do that.

My husband and I are going to talk tonite after work. I guess it will probably be our final conversation about how things won't work because from my point of view he should enjoy life on a natural high not an induced one and from his point of view I should not control him.

Don't apologize for being punchy. I think I needed someone to snap me back into reality. Thanks for talking with me. I really appreciate your insight.

ASpouse

Why not just keep busy? Go to meetings, work overtime, volunteer to do something? I know that my AH is always busy.

skyleh

I DO NOT believe that my AH "just Likes it" anymore because NOW He CANT stop...not even for a few days. I think its gotten the better of him. I think he now NEEDS it.

KIND OF OFF TOPIC>>>>> I think this is important to say to all....

IF YOU STAY or IF YOU GO... YOU ARE ALL VERY STRONG... VERY STRONG to LIVE THE LIFE we lead. Its not STRENGTH that keeps us there and its NOT STRENGTH to makes us leave.. STRENGTH Just makes sure we SURVIVE it what ever path we take... what every we decide..BEING HERE....SHARING...SUPPORTING..IS STRENGTH..

sdg928

I tried to keep AH and I busy with activities that were healthy. Going to the gym, going for walks, going scuba diving. AH claimed to enjoy all the activites and it did keep him sober. But it seemed that he needed NON-STOP activity. Honestly, I became exhausted. The first evening that I just wanted to relax at home after two weeks of non-stop daily activity, he was getting high again. AH doesn't seem to know how to enjoy life and do productive things that make him happy other than getting high or drunk.

WHYOWHY

Oh my goodness!!!!!!!
We are ALL so smart & I agree with almost every post here!!!!!!!
I feel like you ALL are my "sista's " and friends & I don't even know you!
Keep up the good work ladies (and gents)
These posts are what is keepig me sane these last few days.............I don't feel so alone....in my misery.

redrose0729

Weather you leave or not do things for yourself. Focus on your wants and dreams and don't depend on him for anything. I made a commitment which I have laxed on but and recommitting to it to wake up each morning and think of at least one thing I want to get accomplised for the day and set out to do it... The feeling of accomplishment makes me happy. I cannot change my A but I can fix the things in my life that are wrong and work toward making me a better me and in the end he respects me more and even says it makes me more attractive. I used to try to keep him busy and guess what I don't do that anymore I do for me and if he wants to join he is welcome to. I have only one life to live and I cannot plan it around an addict. I have problems as well I am a compulsive overeater so I am focusing on that I cannot change him but I can do for me and set an example . I have always found that if one person in a relationship tries to move forward one or two things happen either they move forward together or they move apart. I have found that when I get off my butt and do for myself it makes him want to improve himself and the reverse goes to. I can be feeling lousy and see him getting up and getting busy and it makes me want to get motivated. So I resolved myself to keep working on me and trust God with the rest and know it will fall in place for the best. That is all I can really do. Hope some of this has helped it sure helped me to write it.
Rose