How to get rid of drunk wife/mother?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can call the police and report that she was driving drunk with the kids. Personally, I think that might be the safest route to get her out quickly. The kids might be upset, but compared to the harm that might happen if you guys have a knock-down drag-out today, it might be minimal. You can apply for the order when the police show up--they know how to get the judge on the phone on a weekend (in most places there is an on-call judge to handle protective orders on weekends or after-hours).
This is escalating WAY too fast for my comfort. You know she's capable of using deadly force. I'd sure want to head that off at the pass.
This is escalating WAY too fast for my comfort. You know she's capable of using deadly force. I'd sure want to head that off at the pass.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One other thing to consider, too--if you are put into the position of physically defending yourself (or the kids) you risk getting arrested, yourself. It isn't always easy for the police to figure out who was the "primary aggressor" and sometimes both people wind up being arrested--or the victim is arrested rather than the assailant.
Just something else to factor in.
Just something else to factor in.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
Update
Things were relatively calm today. The wife must have returned to the house sometime between 4am and 7am. Me and the boys were out of there by about 8:30am, and after a stop for some fishing, we went to my parents house, which is about an hour away.
This is the 4th time in 6 months I had to get the kids out and go to my parents. The other 3 times was mainly because my boundary of not exposing the kids to drunkeness, but this is the first time I was seriously scared for the kids safety.
I could go into to what happened each time, and how she said she was sorry, and how we gave her another chance, and how she knew the consequences I had set, but acted anyway...but you probably are familiar with the pattern. She has had too many "last chances." I have hit rock bottom.
She (of course) is sorry, and texting and calling a lot today, but I haven't heard anything tonight. It is anyone's guess what is happening with her now, she could be out drinking, home drinking, or home sober and crying because she is sorry. I would put even odds on any of those. But if we just came home like she wanted with her promise to be sober, I would definitely bet we would be in this position again within the next few months.
I talked to my lawyer today, he didn't recommend anything to change my plan, which is file the protective order on Monday morning. I asked if I should call the police, and he recommended giving the local police department a heads up that they would likely need to serve the protective order on Monday. So I did call them and tell them, they made me feel a little better and said that the Judge almost always grant the first "emergency" order so I will be able to get her out of the house on Monday. I double checked the calendar, school starts on Wednesday. The grandparents will be staying at the house during the day. Totally interrupting their lives, but they are willing to do what they can. I am thankful for that.
All, Thanks for staying tuned. Thanks for the advice and support.
Things were relatively calm today. The wife must have returned to the house sometime between 4am and 7am. Me and the boys were out of there by about 8:30am, and after a stop for some fishing, we went to my parents house, which is about an hour away.
This is the 4th time in 6 months I had to get the kids out and go to my parents. The other 3 times was mainly because my boundary of not exposing the kids to drunkeness, but this is the first time I was seriously scared for the kids safety.
I could go into to what happened each time, and how she said she was sorry, and how we gave her another chance, and how she knew the consequences I had set, but acted anyway...but you probably are familiar with the pattern. She has had too many "last chances." I have hit rock bottom.
She (of course) is sorry, and texting and calling a lot today, but I haven't heard anything tonight. It is anyone's guess what is happening with her now, she could be out drinking, home drinking, or home sober and crying because she is sorry. I would put even odds on any of those. But if we just came home like she wanted with her promise to be sober, I would definitely bet we would be in this position again within the next few months.
I talked to my lawyer today, he didn't recommend anything to change my plan, which is file the protective order on Monday morning. I asked if I should call the police, and he recommended giving the local police department a heads up that they would likely need to serve the protective order on Monday. So I did call them and tell them, they made me feel a little better and said that the Judge almost always grant the first "emergency" order so I will be able to get her out of the house on Monday. I double checked the calendar, school starts on Wednesday. The grandparents will be staying at the house during the day. Totally interrupting their lives, but they are willing to do what they can. I am thankful for that.
All, Thanks for staying tuned. Thanks for the advice and support.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
This is hard stuff but you are doing the right thing and your boys are so lucky to have you!! I left my house more times than I can count to take my kids over to my parents. Now we have officially moved in with them and I filed for divorce. It is a very hard transition but the most important thing for me was that my kids were safe and happy. Grandparents always have a way of making sure the kiddos are happy and content. It's been 4 months and I can't believe how far I've come in such a short time. It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel through all of this but you will start to see it sooner than you know. I commend you on your strength!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
I got the protective order. The police evicted my wife from her own house. Kids are back home now. Grandparents are staying with us. The trial to turn the temporary order into an up to 3 year order is on September 1st. I am now worrying if the judge would uphold the order. The intake people were telling me that the order was just for physical abuse. Though I can argue that driving drunk with kids is abuse. If the protective order isn't the right vehicle for me to stop that from happening, then show me the right law to use and I'll use that, but I shouldn't have to wait until someone is at risk to try to catch her on the act. That would be dangerous. They are supposed to assign a free lawyer, bit I have called mine as well in case they say I do not qualify, bit I want to hurry that up so we can work on the details of my argument
Again thank you all for support.
Again thank you all for support.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She STABBED you with SCISSORS. Maybe that happened a little while ago, but it's physical abuse and she clearly is behaving in erratic and irrational ways, putting everyone in the house at risk--you AND your kids. You have good REASON to fear for your safety, and that's generally the basis for a protective order.
Be sure to mention ALL of the abuse--and that includes things like pushing, shoving, hitting.
Be sure to mention ALL of the abuse--and that includes things like pushing, shoving, hitting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
Well, that seems logical and reasonable to me. However the lawyers are doubtful it will be upheld, saying there has to be proof of immanent physical abuse, and DUI and bad decisions in parenting does not count. I am trying to contact al-anon to see what they recommend. I am trying to get something from Child Services saying that they want mom to be sober or at least in recovery before returning to the home, and that the children are best off at home. So, things are looking down for me right now. Hopefully everything will be all right, at least I will have done everything I could. Worst case right now, it looks like she would return to the home.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Al-Anon does not specialize in abuse. Don't ask them to try to help you with that--they can't. A local advocate or lawyer can give you guidance.
Here's how I think you present it. She was drunk when she attacked you with scissors. Her drinking and erratic behavior are currently escalating. It is therefore reasonable to believe that her drinking and erratic behavior (which are currently happening) place you and the children in danger of physical harm.
Here's how I think you present it. She was drunk when she attacked you with scissors. Her drinking and erratic behavior are currently escalating. It is therefore reasonable to believe that her drinking and erratic behavior (which are currently happening) place you and the children in danger of physical harm.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
sisngerofsadsong....I can see that you are trying your best to do the right things.
I know you are going through such a very hard time.....and I congratulate you on your courage to do so....
There are lots of stories on this forum by others who have face similar difficult situations, like yours....with children....
I think reading them will give you some comfort and validate your feelings....
***Lots of people, who haven't ever dealt with alanon, assume that it is about how to deal with your alcoholic (which seem logical), But, actually it is for You and your own self development and personal support....
I think that a personal counselor would be enormously helpful for you, though.
This is just too hard to go through alone.
I am so glad that you have the help of the grandparents...that is a blessing....
I know you are going through such a very hard time.....and I congratulate you on your courage to do so....
There are lots of stories on this forum by others who have face similar difficult situations, like yours....with children....
I think reading them will give you some comfort and validate your feelings....
***Lots of people, who haven't ever dealt with alanon, assume that it is about how to deal with your alcoholic (which seem logical), But, actually it is for You and your own self development and personal support....
I think that a personal counselor would be enormously helpful for you, though.
This is just too hard to go through alone.
I am so glad that you have the help of the grandparents...that is a blessing....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I had a sponser who told me I was not a victim- I was a volunteer. I was a kid in an alcoholic home with an abusive parent. Get them out, sell the house,live in an apt if you have to so they are safe, and you are safe.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Hi Dandylion,
Once again you post something that is simple yet profound, and completely applicable to my own situation. Thanks 
Originally Posted by dandylion 
The best way to stop being the victim is to stop behaving as a victim does.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by singerofsadsong
Thank you all, Private Message me if you would like an update. My own thread was showing up on google when I was researching for my case.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, these threads are picked up by search engines, which is a good reason to keep certain personal details OUT of your posts.
It's not necessarily a bad thing that the threads can be searched--imagine you are someone just coming to grips with how messed-up your life has become due to your loved one's drinking, and you're looking for help. So you do a search on something like "alcoholic husband got DUI" and up pop some very helpful SR threads about people who have faced that very issue.
I remember being quite upset about the "Tweet" feature (which now seems to have quietly disappeared) because that involved easily sending a particular thread out "into the world" without much thought or effort on anyone's part. The search function is different, though--it really does serve those who need help.
It's not necessarily a bad thing that the threads can be searched--imagine you are someone just coming to grips with how messed-up your life has become due to your loved one's drinking, and you're looking for help. So you do a search on something like "alcoholic husband got DUI" and up pop some very helpful SR threads about people who have faced that very issue.
I remember being quite upset about the "Tweet" feature (which now seems to have quietly disappeared) because that involved easily sending a particular thread out "into the world" without much thought or effort on anyone's part. The search function is different, though--it really does serve those who need help.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Bradenton
Posts: 4
I believe the abuse agencies can help you with all kinds of things from the injunction through counseling for you and kids. You are being abused. I know the house is important. I was told 'they never leave' but asked a sober alcoholic for advice and after brainstorming...what does an active addict need and want? Make it that. Mine was money and helping him find an apartment. No work on his part at all. It was the only thing that worked when I said I'd work on the problem if, and only if, we lived apart. But sounds like you're going for the divorce so get your lawyer and domestic agency in your corner and you'll be fine. Try not to second guess what will happen. Just have everything documented. And most importantly, get help for yourself. Have you tried CODA or Alanon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 29
It is freeing. I understand that what i write on a forum is blasted out in the world it is OK. I was desperate and needed help. Now that some dust is settling I don't want to be broadcasting my plans...just in case. I went to like 5 all anon meetings 5 years ago. I know I need to go, just impossible to have time right now. As soon as things settle a little more hopefully I can find the time.
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