How to cope when the day draws near

Old 08-16-2016, 07:44 PM
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How to cope when the day draws near

I need some advice. How have some of you coped with the final day drawing near. I have let the xABF know that 9/1/16 he will be locked out of the house.

As some of you can imagine, he still meanders around here as if nothing is happening. He 'acknowledges' the words I say as far as him moving out. But his actions are not showing he is serious. Not looking for a place to stay, eating my food, sitting his ass in front of the TV playing video games, etc.

I can feel my blood pressure rise and have to go to a different part of the house. What are some techniques I can do to practice some patience and tolerance in this last stretch. As many of you can imagine, I have reached the limit of tolerance. I have put up with this for TEN LONG, MISERABLE years and I just want the heck out.

Please share some things I can do in the next 14 days to get to a place where I can tolerate his presence.
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Old 08-17-2016, 01:07 AM
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Weelll, I would say that for starters......
stay as busy and structured as you can possibly muster....
stay out of the house as much as you possibly can....hang out at the library or park or coffee shop or the mall...or go to a movie or visit girlfriends or put your earphones on and listen to uplifting music.
get a couple of recovery books and read them (in the other part of the house).
Also, make a list of the main reasons that you are separating and keep the l ist with you for easy reference at all times!!

If you have lived with misery this long...you can surely do it for a little longer....

I suggest sleeping in another part of the house....and no horizontal tango....

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Old 08-17-2016, 02:28 AM
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Hi, it sounds like he's setting you up to having to force the issue. From his POV doing nothing is the same as positive action because you can't physically force him out. All he has to do is dig in, and that would be in line with his past behaviour which is based on NOT doing stuff, like paying support or working.

Your best bet for now would be to plan for him staying put. Are you able to get your name off the lease? Have any mutual debts, or bank accounts he can get to? any valuables he can get his hands on?

Possibly he'll stay where he's comfortable and provided for, so think about not having any food in the fridge, eating out with your son, and letting him fend for himself as much as possible.
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Old 08-17-2016, 03:33 AM
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Have you legally evicted him? If not, it sounds like he has no plans of leaving. And if he's lived there for awhile, he can stay. It sucks, but you may need to be the one who leaves or you'll need to legally evict him which takes quite awhile.
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Old 08-17-2016, 05:14 AM
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Yeah, I don't know how you plan to remove him if he refuses to leave. Have you gotten legal advice about getting him out? If not, I suggest you do that, or you may be in for a nasty surprise when sheriffs show up and tell you he has the right to live there.
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Old 08-17-2016, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Yeah, I don't know how you plan to remove him if he refuses to leave. Have you gotten legal advice about getting him out? If not, I suggest you do that, or you may be in for a nasty surprise when sheriffs show up and tell you he has the right to live there.
Exactly.

Consult with a landlord/tenant attorney. And make sure you document everything.
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Old 08-17-2016, 06:59 AM
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there hasnt been horizontal tango in years. No, I did not give him notice. He did leave aug 2014 with no notice. I plan on just changing the locks. I understand that he may not leave or fight to issue. If he does, I will leave. He was on the lease when we got the place. When he moved out last time, he signed a note taking himself off. The landlord did not give me a new lease but he does not know that.
I had a talk with him last night because he has been sober for 3 days. He promised he would leave on 9/1. If he does not, I will definitely look for somewhere else to move to. He cannot afford the rent here on his own, so he will not be able to stay. He has paid under 1500 for rent in the 2.5 yrs I have lived here, and I have paid 10's of 1000's, so I really do not feel I want to leave. I live in Southern California, and the rent has exploded the last few years. I will go if I have to.
I guess the good thing is I can get by with doing my own notice and forcing us all out because he signed his way off the lease.
I love the suggestions for keeping busy. I have been doing the best I can, but as the date draws near, I am becoming more anxious. I will also keep looking for places to go.
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:09 AM
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And btw, we have no shares accounts. I have never let him have direct access to my bank or c/c's. Never married him either. I thank the Good Lord above I had enough foresight to not commit legally. His mom used to try to tell us we should get married, yada yada yada. I always just laughed and said that I had been married before and was not going there again. Funny thing is my divorce from my x hubs was soooo much easier than this. When I said I was not happy, he wanted us to split because he could not handle living with me knowing I was not wanting to be with him. But I think this xabf with the insistence of his mom would have tried to get alimony amd child support. One smart choice on my part. The other thing I am doing is to take some responsibility for us being in this situation. He is also a narcissist I believe, so treading lightly and making him feel good about going is what I am trying to do as well. Telling him he will be so much happier with someone who loves him, etc.
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:17 AM
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If the lease is in your name, you are the one who will be held responsible for the rent, the condition of the apartment, etc. Is it worth damaging your credit rating, and maybe getting sued in court, for the sake of moving out and leaving him there?

I hope it goes as smoothly as you seem to think it will, but people can be unpredictable when their backs are to the wall.
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:28 AM
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lexie - i would not leave him here. i think you misunderstand my intentions. if i leave, we are all leaving. so it makes no sense for him to stay and force us all out. if i put in notice, i would give him written notice as well.

i am a corporate controller for a medium sized business so I have a good head on my shoulders when it comes to making decisions. I only make terrible choices accepting an alcoholic so it seems.
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:41 AM
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If lease is in your name and you are not married to a guy - I guarantee there is a way to evict him legally.

I know there is a way to do that while divorcing - I.e file for sole occupancy on grounds of difficult living situation, not that hard to do if spouse is drinking/not working and children are involved.

+1 on getting legal advice.
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:59 AM
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Consult with an attorney before you just change the locks.

Doing so could result in him calling the pd and you being forced to let him back in, because he has established residency there and recieved no notice to vacate.

If he's not on the lease can you get the landlord to help evict him, if it means keeping you as a tenant?
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Old 08-17-2016, 08:19 AM
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Unless you're a lawyer, you still might be shooting yourself in the foot. The law doesn't always follow what seems to be logical.

Do you make business decisions without legal advice? If so, you are skating on thin ice there.
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Old 08-17-2016, 08:33 AM
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OK. I will consult with some legal help and talk to my landlord. Will hold off on changing the locks. IF he does not get out by the 1st, I will give him a written 30-day notice.

It is SOOO unfathomable that these A's hold on like leeches. He has bled me dry for almost a decade, isn't that enough?

So, now i have three plan options. I have to tell you that I do not like the thought of going to court and legally evicting him. I work so much, have my child to care for and am emotionally drained. The battle to just get him out is almost to much for me to bear. I would rather just vacate the premises. Meaning give my landlord a 30 day notice for the whole lot of us.

I am PRAYING that he just leaves on September 1st. Please send positive thoughts my way!
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Old 08-17-2016, 08:51 AM
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That is why we hear the saying...."it can be hard to get rid of a drunk".

Hang tough....this won't last forever!

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Old 08-17-2016, 09:08 AM
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Hmm - I had a cheating boyfriends stuff packed into the bed of his truck and the locks changed by the time he got home from work once - many, many years ago. It worked well, and that was the last I saw of him.

That was a different time I suppose...

Yes, consulting the landlord and an attorney are great ideas, you never know how someone is going to react on D-Day.

Good luck - sending you positive vibes for a quick, peaceful ending - all that!
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Old 08-17-2016, 09:29 AM
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Firebolt - I would love to do that. Unfortunately, we have a child together. That is what complicates the entire situation. It is his (and my) only child. Neither of us are willing to let him go. My child is also his mother's ONLY grandchild, so she gets a bit wicked thinking I am going to withhold him. I never have. I think after last time we broke up and they still had access to him that she realizes that I am not going to do that.

His mother actually told me the last time I made him leave that I should be the one to go and leave our kid there with him, presumably paying the bills. I told her to eff off in so many words. So, there is some dynamic going on where she tries to force this guy on me. Which is why I have stayed so long, pure manipulation. My fault, I know. But I am at the end of my rope here. I will not stay with him and do not acknowledge him as my bf and haven't for quite some time.

So, if it weren't for the kiddo, I would have packed his stuff and mine and not looked back long, long ago. I wouldn't have cared too much about the consequences either. Now, I have to, as I have a child. My kiddo is AWESOME too, btw. I have already talked to him in a very basic way about what is going to happen. I have assured him that all will be fine, that his mommy and daddy will take care of him no matter what. He experienced this for a year before (us being apart) and he actually liked having two places to stay. He made the best of it!

In other news, he had a DUI while we were apart that I didn't even know about until I went to add him on my auto-insurance policy back in November. I learned last night that the xABF is going to have to get a breathalizer in his car in order to get a restricted license back. That makes me feel GREAT because I don't have to worry about him taking off and drinking and driving with my son when visitation occurs. I have been the designated driver for 10 years, so I am really loving that getting his license back isn't going to be a cake walk.

Thanks for all the support and advice. This road has been walked by many before me. I find myself reading the comments and pulling myself out of denial with some of the words people say. I know it comes from a place of love and experience.

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Old 08-17-2016, 10:31 AM
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letitend.....having the child that is his, biologically, does add a layer of complication on all of this.
This makes the wisdom of getting a lawyer so as to be aware of your rights as well as his...and how all of it impacts the child...

You need all the support that you can get......
knowledge is power.
I suggest this for you: lawyer....counselor....alanon......

As far as the mother in law....it sounds like you have been sucked into triangulation here....
Grandparents are a blessing in a child's life. That relationship should be preserved whenever possible, in my opinion.
I think you could use the help of a counselor to straighten out the dynamics that exist at this time.....

It is a sign of strength to get help. I have long noticed that those who do get help are the o nes who do the best in the long run.....

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