Family session with the rehab counsellor
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm sorry it didn't go well. Good for you for standing your ground!
A lot of people end up in therapy...and it's not a bad thing.
What is more damaging to a child - a divorce leading at least 1 parent to happiness, or an addicted, abusive household with 2 unhappy parents?
I hope you see very clearly that his predicament is not your fault. (((HUGS)))
A lot of people end up in therapy...and it's not a bad thing.
What is more damaging to a child - a divorce leading at least 1 parent to happiness, or an addicted, abusive household with 2 unhappy parents?
I hope you see very clearly that his predicament is not your fault. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
When I decided to leave, I was very aware of the damage that was being done to my daughters (STBXAH's stepchildren) and the son I share with STBXAH. But absolutely NOTHING prepared me for the reality check that hit after I actually did leave. Even as the scales had fallen from my eyes while we were together, I was still grossly underestimating how scarred and traumatized my children were, and that was in an environment without any physical abuse, and where the emotional/verbal abuse was directed 99.9% at me only (not the kids). Example: my DD16, a full 9 months after we moved out, had to ask to be excused from her health class the day they discussed alcoholism because the descriptions of the disease and the attendant behavior were still very upsetting to her.
However much someone thinks he/she is "shielding" the kids, the kids are NOT shielded. However much someone thinks a child is "too young" to understand, the child is NOT too young to understand. We often crow about how smart our kids are, or how tuned in they are to people, and then turn around and convince ourselves that this intelligence and empathy somehow stops working in the presence of an addict. I know, because I convinced myself of it, too. For years. And my children suffered as a result.
However much someone thinks he/she is "shielding" the kids, the kids are NOT shielded. However much someone thinks a child is "too young" to understand, the child is NOT too young to understand. We often crow about how smart our kids are, or how tuned in they are to people, and then turn around and convince ourselves that this intelligence and empathy somehow stops working in the presence of an addict. I know, because I convinced myself of it, too. For years. And my children suffered as a result.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Wisconsin 
When I decided to leave, I was very aware of the damage that was being done to my daughters (STBXAH's stepchildren) and the son I share with STBXAH. But absolutely NOTHING prepared me for the reality check that hit after I actually did leave. Even as the scales had fallen from my eyes while we were together, I was still grossly underestimating how scarred and traumatized my children were, and that was in an environment without any physical abuse, and where the emotional/verbal abuse was directed 99.9% at me only (not the kids). Example: my DD16, a full 9 months after we moved out, had to ask to be excused from her health class the day they discussed alcoholism because the descriptions of the disease and the attendant behavior were still very upsetting to her.
However much someone thinks he/she is "shielding" the kids, the kids are NOT shielded. However much someone thinks a child is "too young" to understand, the child is NOT too young to understand. We often crow about how smart our kids are, or how tuned in they are to people, and then turn around and convince ourselves that this intelligence and empathy somehow stops working in the presence of an addict. I know, because I convinced myself of it, too. For years. And my children suffered as a result.
However much someone thinks he/she is "shielding" the kids, the kids are NOT shielded. However much someone thinks a child is "too young" to understand, the child is NOT too young to understand. We often crow about how smart our kids are, or how tuned in they are to people, and then turn around and convince ourselves that this intelligence and empathy somehow stops working in the presence of an addict. I know, because I convinced myself of it, too. For years. And my children suffered as a result.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Originally Posted by Swimmer123
The phone call did not go well. He is still adamant about leaving there on Thursday. The rehab will not buy him a ticket and I told him that I wouldn't either.
He basically listed out all that he has been through in the last few weeks. He sounded very angry without really saying why. He was in disbelief that I won't buy him a ticket home or put money in his account and was angry that I am breaking up our home. He said that it would be my fault if our son ended up having to see a therapist because I am breaking up our home.
He cannot take responsibility and there is that constant anger at me and blaming of me for all that has happened.
I'm still praying that he stays ugh. It's gonna get worse I think.
He basically listed out all that he has been through in the last few weeks. He sounded very angry without really saying why. He was in disbelief that I won't buy him a ticket home or put money in his account and was angry that I am breaking up our home. He said that it would be my fault if our son ended up having to see a therapist because I am breaking up our home.
He cannot take responsibility and there is that constant anger at me and blaming of me for all that has happened.
I'm still praying that he stays ugh. It's gonna get worse I think.
I believe you did the right thing as hard as it may be, he needs to understand you are serious and alcoholism is a serious issue that needs to be dealt with. I found years ago when I came to this point, it's when I did something about it and the life without it at least in my case is a dream come true.
Thoughts are with you during this very difficult time.
Andrew
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for your replies. I so appreciate you taking the time and they are all helping so much.
I think I've always made the excuses and justified his behavior. He worked everyday and drank every day. He wasn't extremely drunk every night. On nights that he wasn't he had a few beers and went to bed early. Really it was like a pattern. A few quiet days to rest and then the crazy crazy days. The crazy days were becoming more and more the norm.
I justified that our 10 year old didn't see it all because he is such a great sleeper, because it happened late at night or early morning before he got up.
On the times that the verbal abuse happened in front of him he was devastated and I could see him trying to make sure I was ok instead of being a kid.
You are 100 percent correct they see it all and are more in tune to it that we realize.
The last few times the verbal abuse happened I felt like I was going to break. I am fundamentally a glass half full happy person and over the last 6 months I just couldn't drag myself out of the sadness.
Thank you all again for your responses. I'm taking it one day at a time, working on my recovery and doing my very best to make the decisions that are the very best ones for my son.
I think I've always made the excuses and justified his behavior. He worked everyday and drank every day. He wasn't extremely drunk every night. On nights that he wasn't he had a few beers and went to bed early. Really it was like a pattern. A few quiet days to rest and then the crazy crazy days. The crazy days were becoming more and more the norm.
I justified that our 10 year old didn't see it all because he is such a great sleeper, because it happened late at night or early morning before he got up.
On the times that the verbal abuse happened in front of him he was devastated and I could see him trying to make sure I was ok instead of being a kid.
You are 100 percent correct they see it all and are more in tune to it that we realize.
The last few times the verbal abuse happened I felt like I was going to break. I am fundamentally a glass half full happy person and over the last 6 months I just couldn't drag myself out of the sadness.
Thank you all again for your responses. I'm taking it one day at a time, working on my recovery and doing my very best to make the decisions that are the very best ones for my son.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
He is a big boy, let him figure it out. If he wants to leave, he can do what ever he wants. You will not paticipate in his dance any longer. No money, and no home to go to. You are done, as this is his last chance.
He will get angry, then nice and then when his antics don't work he will get pissed again. You have to remember that he has the mentality of a 13 year old. He might even find a friend in rehab who understands what he is going through.
If he decideds to stay even then I would be cautious about letting him back in. He will play the game but not work a program. Rehab is only opening the door to recovery, he needs to walk through and live it. That is the hard part.
Stick to your guns. Always follow through with what you say so he knows u mean business this time. Hugs my friend keep working the program.
He is a big boy, let him figure it out. If he wants to leave, he can do what ever he wants. You will not paticipate in his dance any longer. No money, and no home to go to. You are done, as this is his last chance.
He will get angry, then nice and then when his antics don't work he will get pissed again. You have to remember that he has the mentality of a 13 year old. He might even find a friend in rehab who understands what he is going through.
If he decideds to stay even then I would be cautious about letting him back in. He will play the game but not work a program. Rehab is only opening the door to recovery, he needs to walk through and live it. That is the hard part.
Stick to your guns. Always follow through with what you say so he knows u mean business this time. Hugs my friend keep working the program.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I view it as the phone call went as expected it would with an alcoholic wishing to leave rehab early and very well for you as you stood your ground and not caving into his demands. That’s a big step in the right direction for you.
As for all the bla bla bla crap out of his mouth it’s just that- crap. You know it, we know it and on some level he knows it as well.
Keep working your program and you will get through this.
As for all the bla bla bla crap out of his mouth it’s just that- crap. You know it, we know it and on some level he knows it as well.
Keep working your program and you will get through this.
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