Yankeegirl11

I am struggling to understand why my alcoholic ex is so unemotional about our breakup? It was a mutual decision & I know he is very much in love with me. I was angry with him for so long, so it caught me off guard how upset I actually was, & how much I realized I do care about him after we actually broke up, even though the breakup is for the best. We actually broke up on good terms, & realize we need to distance ourselves from each other. Can anyone tell me why he is so unemotional about this?

AnvilheadII

welcome to SR.

everyone deals with breakups in their own way. some get really sad, depressed; some get hostile and angry; some plead and beg and sleep on your front porch; and some just don't react.

i am curiuos tho.....did you possibly have any type of agenda in this breakup? hoping it might force HIM into to some type of realization?

so here YOU are....just out of a relationship with an alcoholic. how are YOU doing dear? are YOU ok?

Bekindalways

Welcome Yankeegirl! I'm glad you found us.

Whenever I broke up with my XABF, he would initially be upset and I would be calm. Within a week this always switched and he would move on and I would be miserable. Irk. It is just super hard no matter what!

Take extra good care of yourself these days and let us know how you are doing!

Txjeepguy

Pretty normal

He sees that you're not backing down, so it's easier to find another enabler than reel you back in.

He loves the alcohol more than anything or anyone.

maia1234

Welcome YG,
IMO it is very difficult for both people, but our A's can numb themselves with their drug of choice. Us codies have to deal with our pain. That is why there are so many of us on the forum.

Chances are, is you gave him an ultimatum, alcohol or you. In his mind, he can live with out you, but not without alcohol. There really wasn't a choice for him.
Keep reading and educating yourself about addiction. Sending hugs my friend as we all understand.

Thomas45

Not to criticize, but if you two mutually agreed to break up, why do you expect him to be emotional about it? The whole point of a mutually agreed breakup is that it isn't emotionally charged.

dandylion

Like maia pointed out....alcoholics have the alcohol to cope with their emotions...both good and bad ones.....
You have to fact the emotions straight on.....

dandylion

rae145

His first and only love is alcohol. You were around to help him out and there are many rescuers/enablers ready, willing, and able to take your place. That's what happens to a lot of us. I'm sorry you're going through this

Yankeegirl11

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have no false hope with us breaking up & him moving out that he will get help for his drinking addiction. I know he is choosing alcohol over everything, but it does not change the fact that I care about him & I spent four years of my life with him.
On one hand, I am sad & feel very empty now that he moved out. On the other hand, it is a huge relief not to stress about if he stopped at a bar, or how drunk he will get tonight & is he going to get violent, or start doing things to intentionally hurt me.
I struggled during our entire relationship trying to understand how this man who constantly claimed his undying love for me, could be so lacking when it came to true intimacy. It wasn't until when we just broke up, I started researching articles on how to deal with breaking up and emotionally distancing my self from him & nothing seemed to click....until I researched specifically on how to deal with breaking up with an alcoholic, & BAM, I found so many articles that told my life story for the past 4 years.
The reason I am so concerned about his lack of emotion is I feel like he is just masking it, & it is going to hit him very hard, when I do eventually move on with someone else. I care very much about this man, & do not want to see anything bad happen to him, but that is completely out of my control. Thanks for listening.

LexieCat

If you see the need to "distance yourself," he probably does, too. Part of distancing is not sharing your deep emotions with the other person.

Suppose he couldn't care less when you move on to someone else. How would THAT make you feel? You can't claim the right to move on with your life and at the same time insist that someone else grieve the loss of you in a certain way. His emotions are his business, not yours.

Yankeegirl11

Thanks for your reply. I am not insisting he grieve, & his emotions are absolutely his, I just am worried about him, but I am sure that will subside in time. This has all just happened & I am confused & really struggling to get through this & come out happy on the other side, & talking to other people who have been through this does help.

Hawkeye13

Sometimes people just can't / won't feel pain and drinking is one
way to push the pain back.

It is wonderful you have compassion for him despite his at times very unkind
treatment of you.

You are right, however, that he will or won't process his emotions on his own.

I find it helpful to send loving energy with no attachment to people I care about
but no longer have in my life for whatever reason.

Remember to send just as much compassion to yourself, however,
so you can heal quickly and well.

atalose

It is confusing, after having spent 4 year with someone and have no emotional reaction when it ends is certainly confusing.

I used to believe that my ex loved me so much that once I wasn’t around anymore he would truly spiral downward which was already happening and the reason I needed to leave the relationship and save my sanity and future happiness.

I had such mixed emotions and time helped me work through all of them. I had Fear that he would die, I had feelings like I abandoned a helpless person that I felt Obligated to help. And Guilt that if something horrible were to happen to him I would be blamed for not staying. Around here we call those emotions the FOG and we need to work our way through that FOG so we are able to see things a lot clearer and reality based.

Yankeegirl11

Thank you. What a helpful response!

Yankeegirl11

Thank you what a helpful response.

maia1234

YG,
I know you feel that you wasted 4 years of your life on AXBF. Count your blessing that you only wasted 4 years. I wasted 34 years with my AXH and have finally moved on. ( I was a slow learner).

Keep reading and posting. You will have good days and bad. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay with no contact. When you contact them you end up starting with day 1 again.

Hugs my friend.

honeypig

Hi, Yankee--my (now) XAH's reaction when I told him I felt I needed to end our 19-year marriage? "Well, you gotta do what you gotta do..."

And then a year and a half later, he cried uncontrollably when I told him I'd heard the first frogs of the springtime, b/c he'd heard them too "but not with you..."

I believe we all struggle w/our emotions, alcoholic or not. In fact, today's post in the "Language of Letting Go" thread is about exactly that.

Glad you found your way here--as others have said, keep reading and posting. I wish you strength and clarity.

letitend

I have been with mine on/off for over 9 years. I have wasted almost a decade of my life. You do not seem like you have a child with this man. If you don't, count your blessings. I thought someone had a great list idea the other day. Write down 10-20 things that you think a nice/caring man would do for you.
1. A nice guy would care about the financial stability of our household.
2. A nice guy would realize that his drinking is driving another person crazy.
3. A nice guy ...
You get the point. Can you think of at least 10 things your guy does that are absolutely 100% genuine and over-the-top filled with kindness that shows he loves you?