Shutterbug1

It’s been over three years since I left him. I haven’t seen him since that day. I took him to an inpatient detox hospital, went home, packed, and left. I moved into a new apartment. I told him over the phone. These actions may seem callous to some, but anyone who understands living with a terrifying addict could see that this was the safest way for me to leave. Dealing with his crazed antics while getting him to the detox facility was enough to make my heart explode.

Initially he said he understood and accepted it. But in true form, he showed me through actions that he did not mean what he said.

This was really apparent when he continued to call me for about a year and a half. He would call every few weeks, every few months if i was lucky to get large breaks between calls. Finally, I found the courage to block my number. So, he began to call my family and friends who all told him “it’s over, get over it”. Then he started calling me from other peoples phones and I had to change my number. (which can be done for free it your being harassed). Next came Facebook messenger. I was struggling to figure out how I could make him stop (magical thinking obviously) so sent him a message saying, “if you continue to reach out to me I will not respond, this is the last message/response you will ever receive from me”.

Silence for seven months. I relaxed, I let go, I felt free.

Then, seven months later, he showed up AT MY JOB!

I saw him coming and hid. He asked the security guard if i was in and told her to “let her know I stopped by”.

I thought about running, getting a new job, moving out of state. I panicked. I couldn’t stand it. I took a long vacation.

The thing is, I worked HARD to get my job, and i genuinely like the people i work with. I feel comfortable there and make good money. I have a great reputation and many friends.

I don’t want to run, but is this a bad idea? Am i stupidly putting myself in harms way? Or does standing my ground make sense? He’s never been violent towards me but he thinks violent thoughts and he is f’ing nuts. Thankfully he was sober and composed when he showed up, but he may not be next time. The police found out that he lives only 14 blocks from my job. I don’t think i have enough evidence for a restraining order or to file a private criminal complaint. So I filed a police report to strengthen my evidence.

Anyone else been stalked by an addict ex? How did you cope? Any advice? Is he addicted to me? I’m unnerved because it’s abnormal for someone to show up three years later after being repeatedly told no, but then again he never respected boundaries.
He wants me to know he was there.

I’m EXHAUSTED. I just want him to leave me alone. I want desperately to MOVE ON and never see or hear from him again.

Bekindalways

Wow Shutterbug, I am so impressed by what you have done to get away from this man. So many alcoholics replace their enablers but it doesn't look like yours did.

I wish I could offer more help instead all I can give is hugs and admiration of your actions.

LexieCat

Hi, Shutterbug,

I've worked in the DV field for a long time and I'm familiar with the law in PA.

It's not totally clear whether you'd qualify for a PFA (protection from abuse) order, which requires you to be placed in fear of serious bodily injury. I don't know what kind of "violent thoughts" he shared or what kind of scary behavior he displayed, but it might be worth talking with an advocate.

Another possibility would be to file a criminal complaint for stalking, which requires that the behavior cause "serious emotional distress"--which it does seem to be. The fact that he's calling from other numbers, reaching out to your family/friends, and now showing up at your job--after you've clearly communicated your desire to have no contact--should be sufficient. It's a misdemeanor for a first offense, so he would probably get probation, not jail, but the advantage of taking the criminal route is that the court can order "no contact" as a condition of bail and as a condition of probation. Furthermore, if he were to continue after being convicted, second/subsequent offenses are treated more seriously.

Here's the stalking page from the PA Coalition Against DV: Stalking | Domestic Violence Topics | Learn More | The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Domestic Violence (PCADV). You can call them and talk with an advocate, or your local women's shelter would have advocates available to talk to.

I think you are wise to take this seriously and consider what you can do to put an end to it before it escalates further.

Shutterbug1

Thanks LexieCat, I think I will go see an advocate in person. I called one after he showed up and was encouraged to file the police report, which I did. The police detective told me about the criminal complaint but then I read online that I would actually have to go to court with him. That thought fills me with such intense dread, so i just froze there. I don’t understand why the court system would make me come face to face with the person who is stalking me, scaring me, abused me. What if they rule in his favor, and he is emboldened? I know the courts aren’t always fair…justice is not always just. I feel like by confronting him i could be poking a hornets nest. Maybe he wants any attention at all, even bad attention.This is what fills me with fear.

Each step away from him took tremendous bravery, courage and support. I feel I've essentially had to “break up” with him over and over again since he won’t go away. It’s like he wants me to keep ripping off the scab and repeating the trauma ad infinitum.

And I know that I made it through each challenging step, but for some reason this time feels like too much. It’s been three years, I feel trapped in my past and I DO NOT want to deal with him anymore but he’s forcing me to confront him, to pay attention, to engage. I feel powerless, which is likely what he wants, control.

I just feel frozen right now and I want to pretend it didn’t happen because it’s so painful to face. But this sort of avoidant thinking is what kept me with him for so long, so I know that I need to work through this and face it. But i’m not sure exactly how, which is why i need to see an advocate in person.

LexieCat

Well, our adversarial system requires that you both be in court, but the advocate can go to court with you, and if you talk with the prosecutor (if you go the criminal route), they can ask the judge to make him wait in the courtroom until you've had time to leave in your car. The advocate can sit with you while you're waiting, to make sure he doesn't stare at you or try to talk to you. They might even be able to arrange for you to wait in a separate conference room so he can't have contact with you.

There's a whole lot of support available to victims, and you just have to ask.

I'd be glad to try to answer any specific questions you might have about the process (though I can't give you legal advice, and I never personally practiced in PA so the procedures there may be a bit different from what I know). I'm a retired prosecutor who spent almost half my career doing DV work, and I now train prosecutors, advocates, and police all over the country about response to crimes around violence against women. There are a lot of very dedicated professionals out there to help you.

Sissyfuss

A friend of mine in Alanon told me that that the reason my addict knew how to push my buttons was because she was the one that put them there. Your qualifier seems to be a bully who needs confronting in a safe venue for you. It's not your responsibility to change your life because of his instability. Stay safe but stand up for yourself! Look into Alanon or possibly a therapist to alleviate your fears and lead you to a fulfilling life. Huge hugs.

NYCDoglvr

Leaving means cutting off all contact, including my own. Block his phone and if he stalks you get a restraining order.

PuzzledHeart

Everything that Lexie said. And if he's showing up at work, I would take the extra precaution of informing security and your boss of what's going on. My mom told me of a workplace incident where a co-worker's ex staged a fake proposal so he could enter her office. The boss had no clue what was going on and let him in. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, although he was arrested.

I don't know him from Adam, but I suspect that he knows that you want this to go away and you want to avoid conflict, so he will do what he can to rile you up, to make sure you pay attention to him. Keep on listening to your gut and don't try to diminish what he did. And let people know that this is happening - they can be your eyes and ears. Bring them on your team. I had to do something similar for my former boss now dear friend, and I would do it gladly again.

AdelineRose

I truly think it is time to get a restraining order. He is literally stalking you and that is not okay. At least if you get one and then he tries to contact you he goes to jail- that should stop him if he has any sense- otherwise he will continue to go to jail and that is not your problem at all.

I am sorry your are dealing with this, addicts are not rational and they do not seem to get any hints at all. It is just about them them them.

AnvilheadII

that is just all too creepy. i am so sorry you have to endure this. you've received some excellent quality advice here about next steps.....so i have nothing to add, just lots of TLC!