September 1st, 2016
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
September 1st, 2016
I am sitting here on a Saturday morning, crying. I cry at the realization of what I have exposed my child to for 6.5 long years. I have known for far too many years that this A is NEVER going to change how he feels about me. I accept it. I want it to end, and it will. My options at this point are to keep pushing him to move out September 1st OR move myself. I told him again this morning, that this is REAL. I am not gaslighting and I am completely serious. I let him know that how our son views relationships at this point is not fair. We do not love one another like a man and wife should. We aren't married, so no divorce needed, but we have been together for over 9 years (living together that is because I have not been intimate with him in nearly 7 yrs). My son doesn't witness affection or family problem solving. He sees two people co-exist and it just isn't fair. I seriously hope that I can show my son a different way to live and that is my hope. It is also my greatest sadness that I NEVER wanted to be in a relationship like this but I allowed it. I didn't have to but I did.
Last night, I asked A for $$ towards a "Part" of the cost of daycare. I pay for everything and have for almost a decade. So, A FINALLY has a job. My daycare cost is $467 this month because of summer. I asked the A for $120 toward it. My DS says, "Mommy, don't try to take Daddy's money." In that moment, I was just so sad that I have allowed this behavior toward me for so long. I have harmed my son in the fact that he now thinks it is OK for a man to take advantage of a woman. His view is that "Mommy" pays for EVERYTHING and don't dare ask Dad for any of his money. I tried to be as positive as I could in that moment. I told my son that I was sorry that I had accepted that behavior from his Dad and that I had led him to believe that it was OK for Daddy's to not help pay for things. My DS told me, "OK mommy".
So today, this morning, I told the A that in no uncertain terms is he staying beyond 9/1/16. I told him the locks WILL BE changed. I have made up my mind that if he won't go, I WILL. I have an appointment to look at an apartment today.
Alcohol is just such a terrible disease. I will no longer cripple my son or myself with it's daily tribunal. I will no longer enable a grown adult.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Last night, I asked A for $$ towards a "Part" of the cost of daycare. I pay for everything and have for almost a decade. So, A FINALLY has a job. My daycare cost is $467 this month because of summer. I asked the A for $120 toward it. My DS says, "Mommy, don't try to take Daddy's money." In that moment, I was just so sad that I have allowed this behavior toward me for so long. I have harmed my son in the fact that he now thinks it is OK for a man to take advantage of a woman. His view is that "Mommy" pays for EVERYTHING and don't dare ask Dad for any of his money. I tried to be as positive as I could in that moment. I told my son that I was sorry that I had accepted that behavior from his Dad and that I had led him to believe that it was OK for Daddy's to not help pay for things. My DS told me, "OK mommy".
So today, this morning, I told the A that in no uncertain terms is he staying beyond 9/1/16. I told him the locks WILL BE changed. I have made up my mind that if he won't go, I WILL. I have an appointment to look at an apartment today.
Alcohol is just such a terrible disease. I will no longer cripple my son or myself with it's daily tribunal. I will no longer enable a grown adult.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
You sound as if you know your own mind and have made some decisions as far as what is acceptable to you and what is not. I'm glad you've realized how this situation has affected your child already and are making sure that no more damage is done. Like all of us here, you did the best you could w/what you had and what you knew at the time. Now that you know better, you are doing better.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
letitend....from the mouth of babes....right?!
Be thankful that you are getting this kind of clarity NOW! (some people don't).
And, I don't advise that you spend much time berating yourself for the past....history doesn't change itself...lol.....
You need all of your energy for your journey into the future.....
Actually, I know how HARD it is to get someone to leave when they don't want to. It is exhausting.
My advice (if you want it)...would be to start packing, now. Start getting everything lined up....
I think it is less stressful, overall, if you know what you are going to be doing....
If he is the biological father of your child---he is responsible for financially helping to support that child.
I hope you are not thinking of letting off the hook, as a father, just because you (understandably) want to be away from him....
His child needs to know him....and needs to be supported by him. He is more likely to stay connected to the child if he does contribute to his support....
dandylion
Be thankful that you are getting this kind of clarity NOW! (some people don't).
And, I don't advise that you spend much time berating yourself for the past....history doesn't change itself...lol.....
You need all of your energy for your journey into the future.....
Actually, I know how HARD it is to get someone to leave when they don't want to. It is exhausting.
My advice (if you want it)...would be to start packing, now. Start getting everything lined up....
I think it is less stressful, overall, if you know what you are going to be doing....
If he is the biological father of your child---he is responsible for financially helping to support that child.
I hope you are not thinking of letting off the hook, as a father, just because you (understandably) want to be away from him....
His child needs to know him....and needs to be supported by him. He is more likely to stay connected to the child if he does contribute to his support....
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
I know I shouldn't berate myself. But I am very angry that I let him back in. I am mad I have to go thru this all over again. I will get thru it. I am a forgiving person, even to myself. I feel like I need this anger in order to propel me to a new place.
I prefer not to move myself, but will. I am going to buy some boxes this week and start packing his stuff. He will need to move regardless, because if I move, so does he anyways.
He is the biological father. He has never financially supported us. When we separated last time, he did still spend a lot of time with our son. He does love him. As my mother says, he just doesn't love him enough to financially support him. I feel slighted in a way, that my son loves us the same and views the fact that his dad doesn't contribute as normal. I won't tell him that tho. I will never make my son choose whom he loves when it comes to his parents. I feel the only thing I can do is SHOW him what my love looks like. His father will have that task all to himself in his own way.
It has taken me so long to get here, to this place. What is hard for me to understand is why he now keeps holding on? Why can't he have some level of respect for my wishes and realize what he has done? I know the answer, but it is still hard to accept for me RIGHT NOW.
One step at a time, moving forward. This will all come to pass.
I prefer not to move myself, but will. I am going to buy some boxes this week and start packing his stuff. He will need to move regardless, because if I move, so does he anyways.
He is the biological father. He has never financially supported us. When we separated last time, he did still spend a lot of time with our son. He does love him. As my mother says, he just doesn't love him enough to financially support him. I feel slighted in a way, that my son loves us the same and views the fact that his dad doesn't contribute as normal. I won't tell him that tho. I will never make my son choose whom he loves when it comes to his parents. I feel the only thing I can do is SHOW him what my love looks like. His father will have that task all to himself in his own way.
It has taken me so long to get here, to this place. What is hard for me to understand is why he now keeps holding on? Why can't he have some level of respect for my wishes and realize what he has done? I know the answer, but it is still hard to accept for me RIGHT NOW.
One step at a time, moving forward. This will all come to pass.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
letitend....I agree that anger can be an excellent motivator.....lol.....
It sure is for me....
Please consider consulting a lawyer (you can get a free initial consultation over the phone from most lawyers).....to see your rights to child support and what it entails.....He owes it to his child....
dandylion
It sure is for me....
Please consider consulting a lawyer (you can get a free initial consultation over the phone from most lawyers).....to see your rights to child support and what it entails.....He owes it to his child....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yes, child support is the child's right, not your right, so he is entitled to that money and you should apply for it on his behalf. Don't worry right now about whether he will be "able" to pay--the courts have ways to make sure he FINDS a way.
How does your son know you were "trying to take daddy's money"? If it's because you brought it up in front of your son, stop doing that. Have these conversations ONLY when he is not within earshot. If it's because your ex TOLD him you were doing that, tell him to stop--and that's one more reason for the court to place restrictions on his visitation--requiring them to be supervised, for example, if he is unable to avoid making those kinds of comments to your son.
Talk to a lawyer. If you can't afford one, you can probably qualify for Legal Aid.
How does your son know you were "trying to take daddy's money"? If it's because you brought it up in front of your son, stop doing that. Have these conversations ONLY when he is not within earshot. If it's because your ex TOLD him you were doing that, tell him to stop--and that's one more reason for the court to place restrictions on his visitation--requiring them to be supervised, for example, if he is unable to avoid making those kinds of comments to your son.
Talk to a lawyer. If you can't afford one, you can probably qualify for Legal Aid.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
L,
Be happy he is still little and will probably not remember the bad stuff. I wish I left when my kids were 6 and not 22.
You can go and get free tomato boxes at the grocery stores. They pack well and are not so big they are to heavy to carry.
All I can see is if you threaten to move, you have to follow through.
Sending hugs my friend your son will be ok!!
Be happy he is still little and will probably not remember the bad stuff. I wish I left when my kids were 6 and not 22.
You can go and get free tomato boxes at the grocery stores. They pack well and are not so big they are to heavy to carry.
All I can see is if you threaten to move, you have to follow through.
Sending hugs my friend your son will be ok!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 223
I love your username...you are in COMPLETE control of that...let it end. Go. Be a good momma. Let him go destroy himself. Talk to a lawyer and don't worry about the future stuff...things will be as they will be. Actions, not words.
Many hugs!
Many hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
The good news is I am A-OK financially. I do not need his monetary support. It just gets OLD OLD OLD being mooched off of. I calculated it today and in 9 months I have spent close to 26k on living expenses and he has forked over a whopping 1100. It is ALL MY FAULT as he was gone for close to a year and I let him back in. It will not happen again.
I appreciate your words of support. I have been reinforcing daily that he must go. I started packing his items today. I really don't want to move as I have good rent for the area I live in. Rent has been on the rise and I shouldn't have to take a $400/month hit in increased expenses due to him not leaving. So, I am changing the locks Sept 1st and have told him it will happen. I do have a security system so I will arm it and go stay in a hotel for a couple days if I need to. Last resort, if he gets all legal on me (written 60 day notice needed, etc) or tries to involve his Alcoholic, Overbearing psychotic mother into the picture, then I will just leave.
We are not married. I have already looked into getting custody, child support, etc in the past. Basically, if I have my kid and am raising him, etc, starting a custody case would not be wise and would cost him a lot of time and money to get started. I hate the courts and the stress of bringing my son and what not thru that. Last time we broke up, he was reasonable about him living with me and my kid spending time with him and his mom when she visited, etc. The courts won't necessarily not give visitation if someone drinks anyways, because it isn't illegal to drink. So my thoughts are why start an unwanted or unneeded custody battle. Child support, I don't care about. I understand he should financially support him, but he never has. I am used to that. Some day my son will realize who he is and what he is willing to do based on his own interactions with him.
For now, I just need him gone. It is amazing that he just walks around, content in my home, even though he knows I cannot handle it any more. It
will pass. I have a good plan and a back-up plan. I just need emotional support.
Thank you ALL.
I appreciate your words of support. I have been reinforcing daily that he must go. I started packing his items today. I really don't want to move as I have good rent for the area I live in. Rent has been on the rise and I shouldn't have to take a $400/month hit in increased expenses due to him not leaving. So, I am changing the locks Sept 1st and have told him it will happen. I do have a security system so I will arm it and go stay in a hotel for a couple days if I need to. Last resort, if he gets all legal on me (written 60 day notice needed, etc) or tries to involve his Alcoholic, Overbearing psychotic mother into the picture, then I will just leave.
We are not married. I have already looked into getting custody, child support, etc in the past. Basically, if I have my kid and am raising him, etc, starting a custody case would not be wise and would cost him a lot of time and money to get started. I hate the courts and the stress of bringing my son and what not thru that. Last time we broke up, he was reasonable about him living with me and my kid spending time with him and his mom when she visited, etc. The courts won't necessarily not give visitation if someone drinks anyways, because it isn't illegal to drink. So my thoughts are why start an unwanted or unneeded custody battle. Child support, I don't care about. I understand he should financially support him, but he never has. I am used to that. Some day my son will realize who he is and what he is willing to do based on his own interactions with him.
For now, I just need him gone. It is amazing that he just walks around, content in my home, even though he knows I cannot handle it any more. It
will pass. I have a good plan and a back-up plan. I just need emotional support.
Thank you ALL.
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