FeelingGreat

As someone who has been listening to Americana on Apple Music a lot lately, I had to laugh at this.

Wells

I really wanted closure for a while too. Still do sometimes. I can relate to the temptation to talk.

Then I realize it will likely go two ways - either a "exactly what you want to hear, I was wrong you were right" attempt to get back in, or a "here's my side of things, I like to drink but I can control it, wasn't as bad as you say, etc". I have had both.

Maybe the convo he wants isn't even about you two but I realize the temptation to get that last get it all out type release of words. I just know for me it was never fulfilling when I tried.

Lilro

And I would just like to hear an " I'm sorry ". Two words. Just two words.
Pathetic.

Wells

I heard "I'm sorry" a few times over the last couple months.

It felt better for a few minutes then felt worse. Be careful what you wish for.

Even if they are sorry, you then question if they are sorry just because they want to go back to the way things were, or if they are sorry enough to change.

And if they are sorry enough to change, they can change without even saying "I'm sorry".

I have unfortunately had to really come to terms with the show vs. tell aspect brought up here so many times -- I hear some nice words sometimes...love, sorry, miss, wish it was different, etc. If they are still drinking? Doesn't make one speck of difference to me any words that are said.

AnvilheadII

conflict avoidance isn't always a BAD thing......anymore than hurricane avoidance. when we can SEE there is unwanted conflict and KNOW that we do not have the power to fully resolve the conflict, it really is best to get thyself to SAFETY and SHELTER.

he has NOT miraculously CHANGED into someone else, he is still exactly as he was. you made the decision to be DONE - respect your decision.

Splash29

I made the mistake of answering the email and a flood gate of vitriol and fury was spewed at me. Everything from he didn't leave rehab because hes doing "out patient" and I'm and idiot for leaving, I'm being nasty to him, I am kicking him when he is down, I left him when he hit a rough patch, he never wanted to marry me, he never wants to marry anyone, I've ruined his **** by telling his family about rehab,

I've never felt so guilty and just ******* awful. And I was regretting moving out! I guess I did make the right choose in the end. How was I with this person for so long.

MIRecovery

Sounds like a lot of alcoholic quacking to me

AnvilheadII

so much for "WE" need to talk eh?

what a bunch hooey. his "argument" contradicts itself!

and thus we move into the next phase with is NO CONTACT.

Refiner

Not surprising at all. He needs to defend himself and protect his bottle. RUN.

LexieCat

Yup, these kinds of messages are pathetically predictable. Of course, it could have gone the other direction, with a sad plea to give him "one more chance." In that case, the vitriolic spew would have been delayed just a bit. Be grateful it came out up front.

qtpi

So glad I read this thread. Sorry about what happened SS! I am glad you shared because I have been fighting the urge to respond to his requests for talks or counselling. I think the same thing would have happened to me or some manipulative versions of it. Why do I still wonder if I did the right thing? As a codie, I want to be both kind and fair. I expect AH feels the same way, but that is an error in my thinking. AH does not want to be kind and fair. He wants me back- however he does it- mean manipulation, financial pressure, using the kids against me- and he wants to still drink and have me in his bed. That is his end game and I have to see it for what it is- not what he says it is- just to talk, just for closure.

tomsteve

i said them words so many friggin times my ex fiance would say," youre f**kin right youre sorry."

sure you want to hear those words from someone that really doesnt mean it?

tomsteve

for me, it was an excuse to try and get my hostage back.

tomsteve

time to look at why you avoided the red flags and suggestions youve been givin her.
AFTER
you throw out your ass kikin machine.

you didnt ruin crap of his. he did that all by his childish,selfish,selfcentered, ego driven self.

you were with him that long maybe because thats what practicing codependants do?

firebolt

Please let go of the guilt. Easier said than done, I KNOW! Everything we did and went through is what we needed to get us where we are today.

You did make the right choice. And yeah, to echo TomSteve, you were with him for that long because you are sick too (same as the rest of us). Difference is, you are here, and you are making decisions to get healthier, and you are going to CHANGE the rest of your life for the better.

Take note - contact with him only causes more pain, and right now that is all that he is able to offer you. YOU have control over when that ends.
(((HUGS)))

Splash29

Yeah qtpi, learn from my mistakes! That was very painful way to learn I made the right decision. Whats even more hurtful the amount of our mutual friends (even my own cousin) who still think I am the one in the wrong and treated him badly for not "explaining" myself and "communicating".

Meanwhile, my first attempt to explain myself and why I moved out just turns into a complete one-sided argument that I ruined his life. And even though the whole ordeal was over email (that god I didn't call him) it still hurt. I'm going to start my practice of detaching I think...AND also of not caring what other people think. They don't have to be on the receiving end of a newly sober alcoholic who hasn't leveled out yet!