What's normal?

Old 08-19-2016, 09:18 AM
  # 61 (permalink)  
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Just adding an incident for keeping track. I forget and forgive so often, also not sure if/when I may be overreacting so this will help me remember :

Last night, (after repeated nights of badgering me about supposed indefinitely I'm "probably" having and then make-up sex.)...
AH asks me to sit on his lap, I do, cuddle in a bit, he tries to get me to take my top off (Sorry if tmi) and I say no. The blinds are all open and we live in a development. Not now or here please, was my reply.
He was disappointed, I get it, but then I was told: I'm a no fun kill joy. and have been one all week.

I said I'm actually not, but ok...

He sulked for a bit. Then I was told that it's been selfish and one sided all week anyway so he's not interested anyways. Ummm no. Quite backwards from reality. But that is how I am treated the one time I bow out and don't participate when I don't want to. I feel he was being very out of line. With tone which I can't type.
Anyways, I just need to keep a better journal of incidents. I keep remembering bigger things like flashbacks just from a few weeks ago that were glazed over and forgotten the next day. Crazy making.
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Old 08-19-2016, 10:15 AM
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My friend, everything you report about this incident makes my skin crawl. The manipulation, gaslighting, emotional abuse -- it's not just "out of line". It's unacceptable.

And yes, it is crazy-making. It is crazy-making on purpose, so that you will minimize, deny, and feel too confused to see that he is extremely controlling and manipulative. None of what you describe is healthy, and none of it is "love."
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Old 08-19-2016, 10:19 AM
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thousand words...you are not his toy.

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Old 08-19-2016, 10:31 AM
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Sparklekitty and Dandylion,

Thank you both so much. I was worried I was being petty....but deep down I KNEW it wasn't. This makes me so sad.
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Old 08-19-2016, 10:41 AM
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to be accused of infidelity and then have "make up" sex just makes my skin crawl. the rest just makes me ill..............
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Old 08-19-2016, 11:02 AM
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Sparklekitty and Dandylion,

Thank you both so much. I was worried I was being petty....but deep down I KNEW it wasn't. This makes me so sad.
I think we minimize ATROCITIES that happen to us for several reasons.

1 - to get through it in the moment, and to live with what happened in the future.
2 - out of deep rooted shame for being in the situation
3 - out of fear of having to change


Many things you have been through are NOT OK. We stifle that voice inside us that says its NOT OK because subconsciously and sometimes consciously (for the people well more self aware than I) we don't think we deserve any better.

You do deserve better. You can start monitoring your inner voices - and weed through the ones that are sick you talking, and healthy you talking. In the beginning, healthy you is the quiet one. Start paying attention, and eventually, the real you will be so loud that you'll have no choice left but to take action to shut her up. THAT is how we were meant to live. (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-19-2016, 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
I think we minimize ATROCITIES that happen to us for several reasons.

1 - to get through it in the moment, and to live with what happened in the future.
2 - out of deep rooted shame for being in the situation
3 - out of fear of having to change


Many things you have been through are NOT OK. We stifle that voice inside us that says its NOT OK because subconsciously and sometimes consciously (for the people well more self aware than I) we don't think we deserve any better.

You do deserve better. You can start monitoring your inner voices - and weed through the ones that are sick you talking, and healthy you talking. In the beginning, healthy you is the quiet one. Start paying attention, and eventually, the real you will be so loud that you'll have no choice left but to take action to shut her up. THAT is how we were meant to live. (((HUGS)))
Thank you Firebolt,

I am really working hard on identifying what's really going on. Trusting myself. Knowing what's right and following my own moral conpass.
I used to have a journal I kept but discarded it when I thought things were better. I felt guilty, but I need to do that in order to give myself the reality check I need sometimes. It's like that movie "Inception" - it's hard to recognize the truth or which level of the "dream" you are on.
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Old 11-05-2017, 08:49 AM
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Troglodyte lol! Ariesagain I appreciate the laugh as I reread my old posts.
Just so all know:
Once a troglodyte, always a troglodyte.

Also, nothing changes if nothing changes

I always post as I'm starting to freak out that "I'm all wrong" and "he's CHANGING!!!" lol...if only I give it a day. Back at it again this morning making rude digs on my appearance and trying to hook me into a fight. Ha. Thanks for the reminder, buddy.
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Old 11-05-2017, 09:13 AM
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You go, girl.

Literally!

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Old 11-05-2017, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
You go, girl.

Literally!

Oh, we will be. Right after this post he had a terrible blow up about a parenting issue...but in pleading his case about the issue he scared the kids, insulted me terribly on my competence and had my son asking if this is why we went to the apartment last time, and that he didn't like the apartment. Ugh. Freaking terrible.
9:00 on a Sunday before breakfast and all h@// breaks loose
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Old 11-05-2017, 10:11 AM
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thousandqords.....remember that the kids will take their cues from you. They will observe your moods and body language and many other behavioral clues that we radiate.
I would suggest that you take special care to make the move be a pleasant on for them...as much as is humanly possible...lol.....
You are the Captain of their ship...for the day to day things that kids take their security feelings from.
If the Captain is calm, confident and pleasant....then they will pick up on that.
things like...ordering pizza and watching movies together...or you reading them stories from book each night, while having hot chocolate...and going for nature walks together, and playing board games together.....Having music on, in the background, all of the time....Having the best thing/worst thing at dinner, around the table, while eating. (what was the worst thing in your day...and, the best thing).....
I think the kids will instinctively know why you will be moving....I suspect that you son was just seeking validation that what he thinks is true.....
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Old 11-05-2017, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
thousandqords.....remember that the kids will take their cues from you. They will observe your moods and body language and many other behavioral clues that we radiate.
I would suggest that you take special care to make the move be a pleasant on for them...as much as is humanly possible...lol.....
You are the Captain of their ship...for the day to day things that kids take their security feelings from.
If the Captain is calm, confident and pleasant....then they will pick up on that.
things like...ordering pizza and watching movies together...or you reading them stories from book each night, while having hot chocolate...and going for nature walks together, and playing board games together.....Having music on, in the background, all of the time....Having the best thing/worst thing at dinner, around the table, while eating. (what was the worst thing in your day...and, the best thing).....
I think the kids will instinctively know why you will be moving....I suspect that you son was just seeking validation that what he thinks is true.....

Yes. On everything above.
Thank you.
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Old 11-05-2017, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by thousandwords53 View Post
Troglodyte lol! Ariesagain I appreciate the laugh as I reread my old posts.
Just so all know:
Once a troglodyte, always a troglodyte.

Also, nothing changes if nothing changes

I always post as I'm starting to freak out that "I'm all wrong" and "he's CHANGING!!!" lol...if only I give it a day. Back at it again this morning making rude digs on my appearance and trying to hook me into a fight. Ha. Thanks for the reminder, buddy.
Similar experience here - you are not alone. And I have been divorced since summer of 2016 and living separately for almost two years, so not sure what my deal is. Shows that I still have a long way to go.

"He is changing, he has a job now....maybe I was wrong..."
XAH is "nice" enough to remind me that his issues are still there, and he still tries to get to me by making comments about my appearance, various array of backhanded compliments, and, if all fails, good ole very effecting cursing me out in public for no reason other than trying to read (which somehow triggered old thinking patterns).

Nothing changes if nothing changes is right! Keep coming back here when in doubt😊
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