HopingForCure

I know I posted a few weeks ago that I was feeling better about letting my ex go. Few days ago, I started getting anxious and depressed again. I started missing him ALOT. I don't know what happened. My mind kept repeating all of the good times and kept ignoring the hell I went through. I called him, I cried and basically this is what he had to say.

You should know that you are the one we all are waiting on. I am waiting, my family is waiting. You need to decide what you want to do. I am ready to get married to you and start a family. Everyone is on board and it is you who are unable to make a decision. You need to either say YES so we both can get married. Or just say NO (and stop calling) so I can move on with my life. I need to start a family soon.

He is not understanding that I am NOT the one with a problem here. If he was not an alcoholic, we would have been married this summer. Yes, I am unable to let go completely. I get weak and I call him but that's only because I love him. I can’t marry an active alcoholic but that is a separate discussion.

I was just surprised at the way he said that I was the one holding everyone back and that I need to let him know so he can move on.
Sorry if this is not making much sense...Any words of encouragement will be appreciated.

rae145

Hey Hoping,
I am feeling contrite myself. But we've made the best choice for ourselves. The pain, sadness, and loneliness have far exceeded my expectations. Wow, they feel limitless at times. But you must see through the last convo with him that he hasn't changed his attitude even faced with losing you. Hang tough friend, they say better days are a coming!

Refiner

Hahahahahaha! That is RICH how he's turning it around making YOU the bad guy due to others' expectations of everyone's futures. That's a classic move. RUN!

LexieCat

You're holding "everyone" back? Good lord.

Well, that's just GREAT that his family wants to unload him on you. I'd drop everything and start booking the caterer. NOT.

I'd suggest you start thinking of this in terms of its being OVER. I still loved my second husband when I left him, but I accepted that he was NOT in a position to quit drinking, and meantime I was being tortured by watching what he was doing to himself. I placed him in the hands of his OWN Higher Power (I sure as heck wasn't it), and walked away. I didn't stop loving him, but I didn't long for him any more. I knew what I would be in for if I stayed. I've never for a second regretted it.

LexieCat

Oh, and he's right about one thing. Stop calling. Nothing good will come of it--for either of you.

Refiner

Wow he pretty much told you in black and white to leave him alone (stop calling). Will you be doing that? It doesn't get any more clear than that as to what his intentions are.

Expanding

From my exA's cousin:

"You know, you should have a baby with him. It's probably the last chance for his mom to be a grandmother."

Scary stuff, don't let them pressure you into anything! I grew up with an A parent and it affects you for life!

dandylion

An alcoholic who still want to keep drinking has to find someone or something else to blame it on. You don't expect him to blame himself, do you...?

It won't happen in a million years. You can cry and and scream that it is unfair, until the cows come home....and you would be right .....but it won't do any good....
Around here, we call that "going to the hardware store for fresh baked bread"..

also, we can't look to the one that wounded us to be the one to heal us....we often do look to them, but, we end up soooo disappointed.....

dandylion

dandylion

Expanding....I just have to say this...because my chin is on the floor....
Nobody should be allowed to be as STOOPID as your cousin.....

dandylion

SeriousKarma

You know, In a weird ass-backward, alternate universe kind of way, I have to say I sort of agree with the guy.

That is to say, when I look at it through his eyes it makes perfect sense. He clearly doesn't think he has a problem. Neither, apparently, does his family. Or if they do, they're more than happy to let you take it on. Of course this is a "Family Disease", isn't it? In a weird way, you continuing to contact him probably reinforces this idea that it's "your" problem and not "his". If he's that deep in his addiction maybe he's incapable of seeing things the way you need him to, and can only see things the way he needs to in order to justify maintaining his addiction.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Talking to someone we love, and realizing they don't, won't, or can't, hear us is one of the most difficult things we can go through.

thephoenixrises

I agree with that above....we just want to be HEARD. It is excruciatingly hard to feel like your voice is silent. But, it's not...it's still your voice...and your life and your decisions. I'm going to be blunt because I've been there, but screw his family...they seem to be as blind as he is. He's manipulative and lying and basically just a run of the mill alcoholic....you deserve much better.

My advice? Hold on booking the wedding photographer...don't pass Go.

AnvilheadII

I need to start a family soon..............

WTF does that mean?
hurry up, my sperm has a half life of 6 months?
he is fully capable and ready to BE a family man?
all he needs is a good brood mare?

don't take a single word of his statement to heart.....i mean what family group decides to have a wedding and THEN tries to find a bride???

bottom line is he is saying...if you won't take me back, NOW, as is, and accept my drinking, as is, and marry me and spend the rest of your life living with an alcoholic and taking care of me, i'm going to find someone else.

let him.

Wells

If it's any consolation, I have heard similar lines and threats and the outcome was never good when I caved. Anvil is spot on -- Those statements are saying, basically, you are supposed to drop all boundaries, drop self-respect, drop any progress you have made in taking a stand for yourself and your own well being, and let him come back with NO conditions (for a commitment of marriage no less!) for better or for worse, worse being he's going to have no limitations to his drinking (and it always seems to increase and not decrease over the long term).

I'm afraid there's just nothing good, or healthy, or fair in that statement he made to you IMHO.

Thomas45

There's your dilemma, and subsequently your solution as well. He doesn't see a problem, and it doesn't sound like he will any time soon. He is right in that you do need to make a choice and stick with it though: regardless of his level of addiction, he's still a human being and you can't give him the push/pull treatment because you're reminiscing about the good times but can't get over his drinking. Whether he's right or wrong, he still has feelings too and crying to him over the phone about what happened only brings renewed stress for the both of you.

This isn't meant as a criticism, but more of an eye-opener. That's kind of the same mentality that drinkers go through when they stop drinking. They get an initial rush of happiness/inspiration, and they feel like life will be easy without alcohol. And then the other shoe drops after 1-3 weeks, and they start getting confronted with feelings of anxiety and depression. They get urges to go visit the bottle again to see if things will somehow work out next time around because they seem to forget about all the bad, and only remember the good. It's a familiar dance for partners of alcoholics, and a great deal of us here followed those same steps ourselves to end up here. The long and the short of it is that our reactions to breakups from unhealthy/alcoholic relationships follow a very close pattern to that of substance addiction - continued 'use', despite experiencing negative or detrimental consequences.

What 'hooks' us into this relationship dynamic is a term called intermittent reinforcement. You highlighted it in your post, perhaps inadvertently. I'd highly recommend reading the following link:

Intermittent Reinforcement ? Out of the FOG

Essentially, intermittent reinforcement is what casinos use to keep people addicted to slot machines. If you put a dollar in a slot machine and it paid out 10 cents every single spin, you'd quickly leave the machine and go do something else. But by introducing an element of uncertainty, multiple losses followed by the occasional moderate-to-large win, you get hooked and are always looking forward to that next big win - even though the end result is the same, you will always lose money in the long run if you continue to sit there and play.

The same applies to relationships. You go through a self-described hell, just to hang on for those infrequent 'good times' you mentioned. Those are the payoffs you're waiting for after feeding your emotional dollars into the metaphorical machine and getting nothing back spin after spin.

Expanding

I thought he was the biggest Dbag when I first met him. I was even told that I'd like him once I got to know him so yea, he's a jerk!

The first time I went away on vaca with his family he asked me if I would take a shower with him.... yea.... something going on within that family as well. Not pointing it out to put them down but to show myself that it's not all my fault and they're not the perfect family they pretend to be. He also lives in his mom's basement in his mid thirties and we are all convinced he slept with a best friend's ex wife (they were married at the time).

Dysfunction breeds dysfunction. I'm so sorry, instead of just the A to deal with you have to face the whole family. Don't let him have you feel that there is something wrong with you because "everyone else" thinks differently than you. My exA used to do that all the time, make me feel like there was something majorly wrong with ME because "everyone else" agreed with him. It's a tactic!

maia1234

Hope,
"He is not understanding that I am NOT the one with a problem here. "

I disagree, he, does not have a problem with his drinking, you do. So it's not his problem, it's your problem my friend. Once you realize that, then your life will change. Accept him for who he really is and realize this is not who you want as a husband. You want him to change, and that is just not going to happen. He has every right to drink himself to death, if he so chooses, you have no say In the matter I'm sorry.

Stop the contact with him and move on. Maybe he will realize what he lost, and maybe he wont. But the same old song and dance is changing nothing in you life and you will never move forward. Hugs my friend, we have all been there.

Refiner

It's manipulative quacking and that's what alcoholics do. "Nothing to see here, folks. Look at who I'm pointing my finger at. SHE'S the PROBLEM." Plain and simple, HFC. You need to move on so he can quickly replace you (since that's what he's hinting at). I'm sorry, but it's really that simple.

Lilro

bottom line is he is saying...if you won't take me back, NOW, as is, and accept my drinking, as is, and marry me and spend the rest of your life living with an alcoholic and taking care of me, i'm going to find someone else.

let him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I'm with Anvil on this one! The alcoholic calling the shots, now THATS funny!
I know it hurts, we all know but what you are going through now is nothing compared to what you would be going through if you caved in and married this guy. Have you thought about what your life would be like to be married to an active alcoholic? Really thought about it?? His comment to you is nothing more than manipulation at its finest and a sign of what's to come..
Do yourself a favor.. CUT HIM OFF. Completely. You deserve SO MUCH MORE than his half assed nonsence. I truly believe if he wanted to stop drinking and get himself into some kind of recovery program he would have done so already. He is telling you STRAIGHT UP , take me as I am or I'm walking. My advise? RUN and don't look back girl.

firebolt

Although the way he worded it was with the aptitude of a drunken child...he has a point. You are doing the push - pull...come here - go away....(probably with the hopes that he will SEE that he has a problem and fix it.)

He isn't. He wants to drink and he wants you to accept his for who he is or leave and stop dragging it out. Misguided as his words were, I'd say it's a pretty reasonable request. The back and forth isn't good for anyone.

Sending you strength and clarity. I've been there...it sucks....and the pain only has a chance of ending when YOU put an end the source of it.

SparkleKitty

If you love him, accept him for who he is right now: an active alcoholic who is uninterested in changing. Only then will you be able to let him go.