Moving Forward - Slowly
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Moving Forward - Slowly
As I posted on someone else's thread yesterday, it was our 12th Anniversary. It was also the day I dis some Googling and found some attorneys with which to have initial consultations. Kind of ironic, eh?
I have two appts. set up over the next several weeks, and might do some more. Still not ready to pull the trigger, but need to gather as much information as possible - because just being prepared will make me feel more calm and relaxed - regardless of when I actually do it.
Not a real exciting post, but wanted to share it with my friends. I feel sad that it's moving this way, but I really don't see any other way it can move at this point.
COD
I have two appts. set up over the next several weeks, and might do some more. Still not ready to pull the trigger, but need to gather as much information as possible - because just being prepared will make me feel more calm and relaxed - regardless of when I actually do it.
Not a real exciting post, but wanted to share it with my friends. I feel sad that it's moving this way, but I really don't see any other way it can move at this point.
COD
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
I hear you COD; 5 years ago I went for a legal separation, now going for the divorce since I could no longer handle AH's relapses. It is painful and seeing attorneys isn't fun, but I try to remind myself of the alternative. I was really given no choice after my AH drank a few days before I relied on him (stupid me) to help me when I had surgery on my hip. They typically drive us to the point where there is just no other alternative if we want to maintain any sense of calm and detachment in our own lives. You don't have to do anything you're not ready to do now if you're not ready yet. It took me 5 years to get to this place, and I'm not even on firm footing yet. Wishing you the best.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 980
Hey COD - 8 years ago I was 100% in your shoes. I stayed and stayed and tried and tried. My xah was addicted to pain pills, later he lost a 6 figure a year job and spiraled to heroin and prison and more heroin. He was once a pillar of the community and reduced himself to a junkie. A man who once drove the best cars, had the best clothes, was so revered in his industry. He now lives with his mom, cannot find a job and has no possessions other than what I saved FROM him (so he couldn't pawn) FOR him. He even pawned my 2.5 carat wedding ring. TWICE.
I became SO entangled in him and helping, solving problems, fixing, doing damage control. I stuck by him (until the heroin came into play) through many rehabs. I was involved HOURLY with dr's, lawyers, judges, sheriff, police, rehabs, counsellors, doctors etc. Once I FINALLY filed for divorce and left - I fell apart. Suffered PTSD and began drinking. Now I found myself on the other side of the coin.
Please just get out. Don't waste anymore time. You cannot fix anyone. I loved my xah and still do care very much for him. I know he's sick. I also know that he may never be well. I know that he could OD at any time. I do not want that for him, for myself, for our kids. But it is a stark reality of what addiction does. Our "white picket fence" life was shattered because of addiction.
My xah jumped off the high dive. I went after him because I was SURE I could save him. In the end I almost drowned myself. In the end there was so much pain that I began drinking to numb that pain. I felt like a failure. I couldn't save him and now I had to do the work to save myself (from drinking). Looking back, I wasted YEARS of my life and so much pain and heartache.
Those of you hanging on - don't. If you're here it's because things are so severe that you've sought help for yourself to help them. I 100% get sticking by to help - but at some point you have to let them go. You cannot save them from themselves. Only they can do that.
I became SO entangled in him and helping, solving problems, fixing, doing damage control. I stuck by him (until the heroin came into play) through many rehabs. I was involved HOURLY with dr's, lawyers, judges, sheriff, police, rehabs, counsellors, doctors etc. Once I FINALLY filed for divorce and left - I fell apart. Suffered PTSD and began drinking. Now I found myself on the other side of the coin.
Please just get out. Don't waste anymore time. You cannot fix anyone. I loved my xah and still do care very much for him. I know he's sick. I also know that he may never be well. I know that he could OD at any time. I do not want that for him, for myself, for our kids. But it is a stark reality of what addiction does. Our "white picket fence" life was shattered because of addiction.
My xah jumped off the high dive. I went after him because I was SURE I could save him. In the end I almost drowned myself. In the end there was so much pain that I began drinking to numb that pain. I felt like a failure. I couldn't save him and now I had to do the work to save myself (from drinking). Looking back, I wasted YEARS of my life and so much pain and heartache.
Those of you hanging on - don't. If you're here it's because things are so severe that you've sought help for yourself to help them. I 100% get sticking by to help - but at some point you have to let them go. You cannot save them from themselves. Only they can do that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think gathering the information will make you feel calmer and more in control of yourself. You will be making the decisions that affect your life and your child's life, not simply waiting for the next tsunami to hit and bracing yourself. Not to say it will necessarily be smooth sailing once you file--in fact, it will bring its own stresses. Still, the stresses will be in the interest of moving toward something better, not just wreckage from living with alcoholism.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
COD,
You have the option of always turning back if something fantastic happens with her. We are always so afraid this is a life sentence. It really isn't. We protect ourselves and our children at all costs. No one ever said that anything is permanent.
I agree with behappy. I was sooooooooooooooooo sad to divorce, but it was the best thing for me and don't regret anything. My AXH is getting worse, as does the progression of alcoholism. He was fired and is now on unemployment. Now I don't have to "rag" at him to get his a$$ out there looking for a job. He is no longer my responsibility and I no longer have to support him. I am grateful for today!!
Sending hugs my friend, do your homework and see where it lands.
You have the option of always turning back if something fantastic happens with her. We are always so afraid this is a life sentence. It really isn't. We protect ourselves and our children at all costs. No one ever said that anything is permanent.
I agree with behappy. I was sooooooooooooooooo sad to divorce, but it was the best thing for me and don't regret anything. My AXH is getting worse, as does the progression of alcoholism. He was fired and is now on unemployment. Now I don't have to "rag" at him to get his a$$ out there looking for a job. He is no longer my responsibility and I no longer have to support him. I am grateful for today!!
Sending hugs my friend, do your homework and see where it lands.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Being prepared, knowing your rights, and getting informed on the process are great ideas. It doesn't mean you have to do make any decisions today...
I know you are sad - and we are sad with you...
The beginning of the end doesn't come fast, easily, or without a lot of pain.
BUT, some of us are deep down really, really happy for you right now, even if you aren't quite there yet. (((COD)))
I know you are sad - and we are sad with you...
The beginning of the end doesn't come fast, easily, or without a lot of pain.
BUT, some of us are deep down really, really happy for you right now, even if you aren't quite there yet. (((COD)))
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Thank you, all. The thing that makes me the saddest is how it will effect DS6 - I've said before how attached he is to his mommy. I've fallen out of love with the AW, so the likely separation from her doesn't bother a lot, though it does sadden me at the loss of a " 'til death do us part" fantasy we all have. I was raised Catholic, am now Episcopalian, and having marriage blessed and sanctified by God - is not something I take lightly to break apart.
However, there are things beyond my control that need to be addressed - that being her role as a mother 24/7 - which is something she can't be while drinking, and DS deserves nothing less than parents who are present - at all times.
But, I won't be the first person, nor the last, to take this next step. And I know I have lots of support.
However, there are things beyond my control that need to be addressed - that being her role as a mother 24/7 - which is something she can't be while drinking, and DS deserves nothing less than parents who are present - at all times.
But, I won't be the first person, nor the last, to take this next step. And I know I have lots of support.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
He'll be OK, COD. It will be an adjustment, and it will hurt, but not as much as a childhood constantly exposed to her failings as a parent. That hurts worse.
And most kids of divorced parents adjust just fine. So much depends on their sense of stability. And divorce is common as dirt these days--probably half his classmates will be in divorced or blended families. He won't be the odd one out.
And most kids of divorced parents adjust just fine. So much depends on their sense of stability. And divorce is common as dirt these days--probably half his classmates will be in divorced or blended families. He won't be the odd one out.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 25
I am so very sorry and can relate to the entire letting the kids down thought process, the worry with them. I'm scared to death about my kids. It is the ONLY reason I haven't made a move. He is just not responsible enough to take care of them. I worry so much for those babies 
I wish things were different..that addiction wasn't the beast that it was. That we could love our way into making them better. Or if we could just somehow shield our kids from their issues and that the court system would have the clarity to see the unfit parents.
Many hugs to you as your journey forward. I am right there with you!
I wish things were different..that addiction wasn't the beast that it was. That we could love our way into making them better. Or if we could just somehow shield our kids from their issues and that the court system would have the clarity to see the unfit parents.
Many hugs to you as your journey forward. I am right there with you!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
COD,
I too did not want my kids to be from a "broken" home. No one in my family had ever gotten a divorce. No one does!!
The stigma is probably what upsets you the most. My kids know that Dad is sick and they are old enough to roll their eyes at him. Do you really want your son to see mom drunk and witness all the crap she will put you both through over the next 5 years. My kids saw everything. I regret that I didn't separate while they were younger. I put them through way more then they needed to go through.
Now single, there is no alcohol around, no crazy behavior. They see a peace and calm me and they are also. We are not sitting around waiting for the next fire to put out. I am sorry but a dysfunctional alcoholic 2 parent family unit is not better then a single parent loving home. Just my .02!!
I too did not want my kids to be from a "broken" home. No one in my family had ever gotten a divorce. No one does!!
The stigma is probably what upsets you the most. My kids know that Dad is sick and they are old enough to roll their eyes at him. Do you really want your son to see mom drunk and witness all the crap she will put you both through over the next 5 years. My kids saw everything. I regret that I didn't separate while they were younger. I put them through way more then they needed to go through.
Now single, there is no alcohol around, no crazy behavior. They see a peace and calm me and they are also. We are not sitting around waiting for the next fire to put out. I am sorry but a dysfunctional alcoholic 2 parent family unit is not better then a single parent loving home. Just my .02!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
^^^^^^I believe this with all my heart....and, I know it in my head.....
It is an oft told story of keeping the children IN a broken home....to keep them from being FROM a broken home.....
If there ever was a testament to this...one needs only to read the real life stories of the adults on Adult Children of Alcoholics.....as they tell about t eir childhoods......
dandylion
It is an oft told story of keeping the children IN a broken home....to keep them from being FROM a broken home.....
If there ever was a testament to this...one needs only to read the real life stories of the adults on Adult Children of Alcoholics.....as they tell about t eir childhoods......
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
COD,
Congrats on making some steps towards taking care of yourself. That's how I read your actions. You know how I feel about it, it's depressing, it's hard to let go of a dream and to sort of admit defeat and give up. But with a little more insight, I think you see things differently.
As others have advised, you have given this a lot of time and thought, and these steps are reversible if anything changes. But the thought of a lifetime for you and DS of pain vs. some hard stuff up-front, followed by a brighter future...It's a comforting feeling to know that the latter option presents a "light at the end of the tunnel". Some days, it's hard to feel you'll ever see that light, but we all have the power to get there. We just have some tough bumps to get over before we take the turn from the dark times back into the bright ones.
Will be watching, I know you have been hopeful for a long time. You are a good guy and really a great husband from all I have read of your insights. You care about DS and you even care about AW enough that you have hung in there with a partner who just has not been emotionally there for you.
I wish you well and hope you keep sharing.
Congrats on making some steps towards taking care of yourself. That's how I read your actions. You know how I feel about it, it's depressing, it's hard to let go of a dream and to sort of admit defeat and give up. But with a little more insight, I think you see things differently.
As others have advised, you have given this a lot of time and thought, and these steps are reversible if anything changes. But the thought of a lifetime for you and DS of pain vs. some hard stuff up-front, followed by a brighter future...It's a comforting feeling to know that the latter option presents a "light at the end of the tunnel". Some days, it's hard to feel you'll ever see that light, but we all have the power to get there. We just have some tough bumps to get over before we take the turn from the dark times back into the bright ones.
Will be watching, I know you have been hopeful for a long time. You are a good guy and really a great husband from all I have read of your insights. You care about DS and you even care about AW enough that you have hung in there with a partner who just has not been emotionally there for you.
I wish you well and hope you keep sharing.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
And divorce is common as dirt these days--probably half his classmates will be in divorced or blended families. He won't be the odd one out.
Just remember that nothing you are doing prevents AW from making better decisions in the future. Sorry things are headed in this direction but you're doing the smart thing for yourself & DS, no doubt.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Thanks, everyone - you guys really helped me, I appreciate your words.
Last night was going along soooo well - DS had a great day at summer camp, and we decided to go out to eat. We get home, she goes into a rant, while in her car, about the sprinkler in the yard and the hose across the driveway! Oh, and DS is with her. Then she proceeds to park IN the grass. I told her about that, and she goes off on me again!
We get inside, and I get another lashing about how I treat her like crap, it's just grass, I don't care about her, she can't do anything right, etc. All this while DS is in the room. I calmly explained that we shouldn't talk that way in front of DS - all that did was start another rant.
After I put him to bed, I tried to talk to her again (and I apologized - which I do TOO often), and that went into: she tries SOO hard at our marriage, yet I don't seem to care, that she's done trying, she's done with the marriage, etc. SSDD - I've heard it all before - the victim stance. Quack, quack. Try to quick drinking – how’s that for a novel idea? Oh, but she can’t do that, because I ‘force’ her to drink. Which is a magic act in itself because never once do I touch the wine bottle, or the wine glass, or hold it up to her lips and then prop open her mouth. ‘Forced to drink’? QUACK!!!!
I left her alone to the computer and her huge glass of wine in the office. I stopped in to tell her something and she quickly clicked off some window -maybe it was a lawyer. Frankly, I don't care. I think she wants me to leave so she can keep DS and the house. Umm, no, she won't be getting DS. She's being a real 'b' to me this morning. I'm letting her moods get to me, and I hate that.
I just wish I could walk away and let her further self-destruct. But, there is DS, so I need to make sure I do things the right way.
Just sad.
Last night was going along soooo well - DS had a great day at summer camp, and we decided to go out to eat. We get home, she goes into a rant, while in her car, about the sprinkler in the yard and the hose across the driveway! Oh, and DS is with her. Then she proceeds to park IN the grass. I told her about that, and she goes off on me again!
We get inside, and I get another lashing about how I treat her like crap, it's just grass, I don't care about her, she can't do anything right, etc. All this while DS is in the room. I calmly explained that we shouldn't talk that way in front of DS - all that did was start another rant.
After I put him to bed, I tried to talk to her again (and I apologized - which I do TOO often), and that went into: she tries SOO hard at our marriage, yet I don't seem to care, that she's done trying, she's done with the marriage, etc. SSDD - I've heard it all before - the victim stance. Quack, quack. Try to quick drinking – how’s that for a novel idea? Oh, but she can’t do that, because I ‘force’ her to drink. Which is a magic act in itself because never once do I touch the wine bottle, or the wine glass, or hold it up to her lips and then prop open her mouth. ‘Forced to drink’? QUACK!!!!
I left her alone to the computer and her huge glass of wine in the office. I stopped in to tell her something and she quickly clicked off some window -maybe it was a lawyer. Frankly, I don't care. I think she wants me to leave so she can keep DS and the house. Umm, no, she won't be getting DS. She's being a real 'b' to me this morning. I'm letting her moods get to me, and I hate that.
I just wish I could walk away and let her further self-destruct. But, there is DS, so I need to make sure I do things the right way.
Just sad.
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Join Date: May 2012
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That all just sounds so exhausting COD, I remember that feeling toooooo well.
(& after thinking about it more last night, DD was in KDG, not 2nd grade, when we first separated.... not that it's a big difference but I wanted to clarify.
)
(& after thinking about it more last night, DD was in KDG, not 2nd grade, when we first separated.... not that it's a big difference but I wanted to clarify.
)
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