Moving Forward - Slowly
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
COD - I also have a 7 y/o son and naturally, it would be better if he could be around both parents full time (not to say, much easier for me too). But most important for children is stability, and they need at least one sane and stable parent. My AH grew up with a dad who wasn't around much and an A mother, and much as he looks down upon her, he is now just like her. I think your son will be very grateful for what you're doing in the long run. That's not to say that he shouldn't see her or that she shouldn't be part of his life, but living with an active A parent isn't healthy for anyone. If she straightens out and sobers up, great - nothing is stopping her from doing that. But your job (and you're doing a great job at it!) is to be the stable parent now.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hearing or witnessing arguments between the adult caregivers produces intense anxiety feelings in children....even if they don't show it outwardly, at the time. And, they tend to blame themselves for it..and feel guilt....
These are highly emotionally laden events...so, they tend to remember them....
It is so sad that your wife doesn't appreciate this fact...or, maybe she doesn't even realize it!
It is said(by those who study child development) that it isn't the divorce, itself, that traumatizes children so much...as it is the way the separation is handled by the adults around them....
These days, there are courses, support groups and lot of materials that can help parents to help the child through the whole process.....
dandylion
These are highly emotionally laden events...so, they tend to remember them....
It is so sad that your wife doesn't appreciate this fact...or, maybe she doesn't even realize it!
It is said(by those who study child development) that it isn't the divorce, itself, that traumatizes children so much...as it is the way the separation is handled by the adults around them....
These days, there are courses, support groups and lot of materials that can help parents to help the child through the whole process.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Just want to sort of point out a few similarities yet again which I know doesn't solve the problem but at least shows you the patterns and similarities. I dunno, when I read it, it makes me understand the condition better.
Not sure if this is because we both dealt with female As, the men's patterns may be similar, but I have seen so many similarities with the behavior and the moods happening in your home, to what I saw in mine, it's freaky.
The argument you had about the car sounds like the usual eggshell walk -- Basically, you never know what ONE LITTLE THING you say may be the thing that totally sets off the monster. Then they get to do a few things. Lay a guilt trip on you and spout off (how dare you suggest XYZ). Then, blame you for making them feel inadequate that they never do anything right and all you do is complain (no, it doesn't matter if you praised anything else or if the rest of the day has been great, if that one thing didn't sit right it will be a HUGE issue). And then finally of course, off to the booze, a BIG old glass of whatever (red wine was the worst here because it was a meaner drunk and happened faster due to less liquid needed). You get the joy of the blame for that big glass/bottle/second bottle of wine. If it wasn't for YOU and what you said, or just by the virtue of being there or "on her case", you are the reason she is having all those drinks!
Lots of fun right?
Hang in there. If nothing else I can tell you I have done this dance and seen this play and it plays out that way for a lot of us.
Not sure if this is because we both dealt with female As, the men's patterns may be similar, but I have seen so many similarities with the behavior and the moods happening in your home, to what I saw in mine, it's freaky.
The argument you had about the car sounds like the usual eggshell walk -- Basically, you never know what ONE LITTLE THING you say may be the thing that totally sets off the monster. Then they get to do a few things. Lay a guilt trip on you and spout off (how dare you suggest XYZ). Then, blame you for making them feel inadequate that they never do anything right and all you do is complain (no, it doesn't matter if you praised anything else or if the rest of the day has been great, if that one thing didn't sit right it will be a HUGE issue). And then finally of course, off to the booze, a BIG old glass of whatever (red wine was the worst here because it was a meaner drunk and happened faster due to less liquid needed). You get the joy of the blame for that big glass/bottle/second bottle of wine. If it wasn't for YOU and what you said, or just by the virtue of being there or "on her case", you are the reason she is having all those drinks!
Lots of fun right?
Hang in there. If nothing else I can tell you I have done this dance and seen this play and it plays out that way for a lot of us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
No way of ever pleasing an addict. Don't engage. Let her stooper by herself. Stop trying to please her, because she will pick fight, and then have another reason to fill that 18 oz wine glass again. Mine had the 20 oz beer mug, so he would poor 2 beers In there and since the Second beer wouldn't fit, he would drink the rest out of the bottle. One beer just wasn't enough.
Aw is no different then everyone of our addicts. All you can do is stay away from her and try and keep peace. I use to tell my axh to lower his voice so the kid's or neighbors wouldn't hear him yelling. He didn't care, he kept screaming at me anyway, they all knew. Ugh!!
Keep doing what you are doing, stay sane, keep posting, document everything, as you will need this come the divorce, if that is what you choose.
Hugs my friend, and I am sorry. It is so much better on the other side, it is just a long walk over that bridge, but you both will get there I promise.
Aw is no different then everyone of our addicts. All you can do is stay away from her and try and keep peace. I use to tell my axh to lower his voice so the kid's or neighbors wouldn't hear him yelling. He didn't care, he kept screaming at me anyway, they all knew. Ugh!!
Keep doing what you are doing, stay sane, keep posting, document everything, as you will need this come the divorce, if that is what you choose.
Hugs my friend, and I am sorry. It is so much better on the other side, it is just a long walk over that bridge, but you both will get there I promise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Good heavens, man - are we living in a parallel universe, or are clones?!??! Or your AXGF is my AW??? You nailed this to a "T". I read this, and you nailed it. Every single word is my life - sadly.
She's been cold to me the last coupe of days - which is somewhat refreshing because cold is better than boiling and angry! So, I've been pretty much trying to do my thing. I was driving home tonight and thought, "Gee, what can I do NOT to go home tonight and face the BS?" But, DS needs me, is happy to see me, so I focus on that and let the drunk be herself.
She did kill all the wine last night, so needed an excuse to go to the grocery store tonight and get more wine. We spend more $$ on groceries we don't need because she won't just say, "Oh, I'm outta wine and need more." No, we have to conceal it with, "Oh, there are some things we NEEDED to get, so I stopped at the store.. " Quack, quack!
She's been cold to me the last coupe of days - which is somewhat refreshing because cold is better than boiling and angry! So, I've been pretty much trying to do my thing. I was driving home tonight and thought, "Gee, what can I do NOT to go home tonight and face the BS?" But, DS needs me, is happy to see me, so I focus on that and let the drunk be herself.
She did kill all the wine last night, so needed an excuse to go to the grocery store tonight and get more wine. We spend more $$ on groceries we don't need because she won't just say, "Oh, I'm outta wine and need more." No, we have to conceal it with, "Oh, there are some things we NEEDED to get, so I stopped at the store.. " Quack, quack!
Originally Posted by Wells 
Just want to sort of point out a few similarities yet again which I know doesn't solve the problem but at least shows you the patterns and similarities. I dunno, when I read it, it makes me understand the condition better.
Not sure if this is because we both dealt with female As, the men's patterns may be similar, but I have seen so many similarities with the behavior and the moods happening in your home, to what I saw in mine, it's freaky.
The argument you had about the car sounds like the usual eggshell walk -- Basically, you never know what ONE LITTLE THING you say may be the thing that totally sets off the monster. Then they get to do a few things. Lay a guilt trip on you and spout off (how dare you suggest XYZ). Then, blame you for making them feel inadequate that they never do anything right and all you do is complain (no, it doesn't matter if you praised anything else or if the rest of the day has been great, if that one thing didn't sit right it will be a HUGE issue). And then finally of course, off to the booze, a BIG old glass of whatever (red wine was the worst here because it was a meaner drunk and happened faster due to less liquid needed). You get the joy of the blame for that big glass/bottle/second bottle of wine. If it wasn't for YOU and what you said, or just by the virtue of being there or "on her case", you are the reason she is having all those drinks!
Lots of fun right?
Hang in there. If nothing else I can tell you I have done this dance and seen this play and it plays out that way for a lot of us.
Not sure if this is because we both dealt with female As, the men's patterns may be similar, but I have seen so many similarities with the behavior and the moods happening in your home, to what I saw in mine, it's freaky.
The argument you had about the car sounds like the usual eggshell walk -- Basically, you never know what ONE LITTLE THING you say may be the thing that totally sets off the monster. Then they get to do a few things. Lay a guilt trip on you and spout off (how dare you suggest XYZ). Then, blame you for making them feel inadequate that they never do anything right and all you do is complain (no, it doesn't matter if you praised anything else or if the rest of the day has been great, if that one thing didn't sit right it will be a HUGE issue). And then finally of course, off to the booze, a BIG old glass of whatever (red wine was the worst here because it was a meaner drunk and happened faster due to less liquid needed). You get the joy of the blame for that big glass/bottle/second bottle of wine. If it wasn't for YOU and what you said, or just by the virtue of being there or "on her case", you are the reason she is having all those drinks!
Lots of fun right?
Hang in there. If nothing else I can tell you I have done this dance and seen this play and it plays out that way for a lot of us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Yeah cold silent treatment days were good. Sort of a mini preview of full detachment.
Ah yes I know the grocery runs well. It became a trigger every time she went. Our stores do not all have booze but she went further for groceries, she LIKED that store better. It had alcohol. 12 pack of beer came home with groceries, cracked one with an intent to have just a couple, always went to at least 6, sometimes 8, sometimes all 12. An area farmers market became another fun excuse when she learned they had wine tastings and sold it. Bought no produce, just a few wine bottles for "in case company comes over". They lasted 2 days. Never had company.
It's insanity I know all too well. Remember they are adults with full right to drink all that and more - something I had to come here to learn. We just have the right to decide if we want it in our life anymore.
I was mistaken to think I had a right or a control in how much alcohol she bought with her own money or drank in our home. I only had the right to decide if I wanted to live with it.
Ah yes I know the grocery runs well. It became a trigger every time she went. Our stores do not all have booze but she went further for groceries, she LIKED that store better. It had alcohol. 12 pack of beer came home with groceries, cracked one with an intent to have just a couple, always went to at least 6, sometimes 8, sometimes all 12. An area farmers market became another fun excuse when she learned they had wine tastings and sold it. Bought no produce, just a few wine bottles for "in case company comes over". They lasted 2 days. Never had company.
It's insanity I know all too well. Remember they are adults with full right to drink all that and more - something I had to come here to learn. We just have the right to decide if we want it in our life anymore.
I was mistaken to think I had a right or a control in how much alcohol she bought with her own money or drank in our home. I only had the right to decide if I wanted to live with it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
You guys are so funny. My axh had a beer fridge in the garage. He had cans stuffed in the veggie bins so it didnt look like he had that much. I would say we never had less then 2 cases at a time. This was the cheap beer, 30 in a case. I am not sure what year he went from his old standard budweiser to the cheap stuff. But then he had nightly trips to the grocery store to get a 6 pack of the "good" beer. I can't even comprehend the amount of money we spent on alcohol from the grocery store, besides at the bar. Ugh!!
It amazes me all the stuff I lived through. I am thankful every day that I am no longer living that life, because my life has changed, but his hasn't.
It amazes me all the stuff I lived through. I am thankful every day that I am no longer living that life, because my life has changed, but his hasn't.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Have my first consult at noon today, then another one tomorrow. I guess Central Ohio is ripe for divorces - of all the lawyers I contacted, NONE of them have free consultations!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It will still be money well-spent. And the initial consult covers things that would need to be covered before they could represent you, anyway.
Bring a list of questions that concern you the most, find out how they bill, find out how your courts tend to approach these issues. I'd also try to get a sense of their "style"--you want someone who will fight for what's important, but some lawyers battle every issue, which only drags the case out and runs up fees. There are also some lawyers so aggressive that nobody wants to deal with them, and that isn't going to help you. You want someone who will give you their best advice, but also to pursue your wishes if you choose to do take a different position.
IOW, someone who is fair and well-balanced and reasonable. And courteous.
Bring a list of questions that concern you the most, find out how they bill, find out how your courts tend to approach these issues. I'd also try to get a sense of their "style"--you want someone who will fight for what's important, but some lawyers battle every issue, which only drags the case out and runs up fees. There are also some lawyers so aggressive that nobody wants to deal with them, and that isn't going to help you. You want someone who will give you their best advice, but also to pursue your wishes if you choose to do take a different position.
IOW, someone who is fair and well-balanced and reasonable. And courteous.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
It was interesting. She brought the Guardian Ad Litem factor into it. She came right out and said, "Based on what you've said, why wait another day?" I told her that was a good and fair question. I'm just scared I guess. I hate confrontations (even though AW confronts me constantly), I guess I have an issue confronting back.
I have another consult tomorrow, then will really need to give this serious thought and try to come up with more of a plan.
This sucks!
I have another consult tomorrow, then will really need to give this serious thought and try to come up with more of a plan.
This sucks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
The Guardian Ad Litem is a great idea.
A friend of mine agreed to one when she took her nutty ex to court because he lost his noodle and raged in front of their kid. After 3 months and the GAL's report, nuttso buttso dad only gets sporadic MONITORED visitation.
A friend of mine agreed to one when she took her nutty ex to court because he lost his noodle and raged in front of their kid. After 3 months and the GAL's report, nuttso buttso dad only gets sporadic MONITORED visitation.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Don't think of it as a "confrontation"--you are doing what you have to do for the sake of yourself and your child. If she flips out (well, that's pretty much a given), that's because she is continuing to ignore the harm she is doing. Think of it as an act of self-defense, not one of aggression (she'll try to paint it as an attack and you have to keep reminding YOURSELF, not her, that it isn't).
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I will just mention that it's worth it to find out how the judges in your area treat substance abuse issues with parents, and also if you have any say in the GAL. In my area, each side has one strike for a GAL. It's worth it to do some research on this as a good GAL can make your case, a bad one can completely ruin it.
Just my .02 friend. Stay strong.
Just my .02 friend. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You took a big leap of faith today and that's great.
When you are thinking of a plan try not to include your wife in it. My old thinking used to always include, where was he going to go? How was he going to pay for his own place to live, etc. etc. and all that did was keep me stuck and sitting in the front row continuing to witness the madness of addiction.
I have another consult tomorrow, then will really need to give this serious thought and try to come up with more of a plan.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
First priority: DS6, next priority: ME. Last priority - the A who got us to this mess. Her actions tell me she hasn't been real concerned about anyone but herself anyway, so since she is so into herself, then she can figure it all out.
I just want some peace for DS and me. I really don;t care where she goes - just that she goes.
I just want some peace for DS and me. I really don;t care where she goes - just that she goes.
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