Finally, after five months
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Finally, after five months
The house is on the market.
The reality of this situation makes my stomach knot. He did not want to stop drinking. If he's a diagnosed A or not it doesn't matter. A person who was not at the very least emotionally dependent on the stuff would be able to stop. Not saying it would always be easy, but if something is causing problems in your life why would you not stop if you could?
He would rather go through heartbreak (that's up for debate), hurt me, hurt himself, bring someone else into this mess, go through the stress and hassle of selling a home, living on a couch, losing everything he built for the last eight years... I mean... it sounds like a serious problem!
I felt a flood of relief when I heard there's already an interested cash buyer. Deep down I DO want this over with, and that makes me happy
Right now it's this constant, digging reminder that no matter what I do and how happy I feel I still have to deal with him and be tied to him. It's not that he's disposable as a person, but it's a slow simmering torture and I just want it over with already. It's like the bandaid has been slowwwwwly peeled off instead of yanking it in one swoop. The thought of him, talking to him, going through what was supposed to be a very happy life event with him... it's a cocktail of bad feelings.
MAYA1 if you're reading this I want to thank you again for sharing that video. I get texts from exA trying to sort through who gets what and there are short glimpses of who I used to see. It's hard because my mind tries to go back there. That show shed so much light on the reality of what our relationship was and why I kept making excuses for and going back to him. How cleverly hidden the manipulation is... I STILL wouldn't have been able to spot it if it wasn't for the host calling her out.
I don't completely understand this but I'm putting my faith in a HP and continuing on this path. Even if I make this all about me, which I should! I need to get better myself because I am not helping him! Waking away has felt so selfish but it's actually selfless. I can't sit around waiting for him to "wake up", I have my own life to live and my own demons to tame, and quite frankly me being around him hurts us both.
Feels good to get some breathing room
The reality of this situation makes my stomach knot. He did not want to stop drinking. If he's a diagnosed A or not it doesn't matter. A person who was not at the very least emotionally dependent on the stuff would be able to stop. Not saying it would always be easy, but if something is causing problems in your life why would you not stop if you could?
He would rather go through heartbreak (that's up for debate), hurt me, hurt himself, bring someone else into this mess, go through the stress and hassle of selling a home, living on a couch, losing everything he built for the last eight years... I mean... it sounds like a serious problem!
I felt a flood of relief when I heard there's already an interested cash buyer. Deep down I DO want this over with, and that makes me happy
Right now it's this constant, digging reminder that no matter what I do and how happy I feel I still have to deal with him and be tied to him. It's not that he's disposable as a person, but it's a slow simmering torture and I just want it over with already. It's like the bandaid has been slowwwwwly peeled off instead of yanking it in one swoop. The thought of him, talking to him, going through what was supposed to be a very happy life event with him... it's a cocktail of bad feelings.
MAYA1 if you're reading this I want to thank you again for sharing that video. I get texts from exA trying to sort through who gets what and there are short glimpses of who I used to see. It's hard because my mind tries to go back there. That show shed so much light on the reality of what our relationship was and why I kept making excuses for and going back to him. How cleverly hidden the manipulation is... I STILL wouldn't have been able to spot it if it wasn't for the host calling her out.
I don't completely understand this but I'm putting my faith in a HP and continuing on this path. Even if I make this all about me, which I should! I need to get better myself because I am not helping him! Waking away has felt so selfish but it's actually selfless. I can't sit around waiting for him to "wake up", I have my own life to live and my own demons to tame, and quite frankly me being around him hurts us both.
Feels good to get some breathing room
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Reach Out and Touch Faith
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Thanks for the video Expanding. My rule is that it doesnīt matter what a person is doing with substances, its their behavior that matters at the end of the day. My ex was like that during the three months he didnīt drink. It turns out he was constantly thinking about his beer still. He didnīt actually have to drink it for these horrible actions to appear.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Expanding, I can relate to the feelings you are feeling, as you know my situation was similar. You just can't wrap your head around the fact that someone would actually choose a liquid addiction to altering their brain when they have, in their hands, what many adults dream of -- love, comfort, stability, a home, someone who admires them...In our rational minds, these things should take precedence over everything else, and we can't understand how they let it get to this point when it began to slip away.
What gives me comfort is when I am able to rationalize first of all, there was nothing I could have done to change it. So, that path for me as far as what I could have done (and what you could have done) to change your exA, to convince him to "see the light", was just not possible. This gives me a bit of comfort when I know that this wasn't my fault at all (despite all the times you were probably told that it was).
It sounds like put in as much time, effort, and love as you could before you had to get to this point where it's time to sell the house and give up the good fight. I agree with you, if there was any part of him inside that was ready to give up drinking, go into recovery, and work on himself, this would have been the time to do it. It says an amazing amount about the allure of alcohol that it can cause someone to lose so much. The other point folks around here keep reminding me that helps me understand is that I will never know what it feels like for the exA. We will never understand what their minds are telling them to do or the relationship they have with alcohol. It is apparently impossible to ever know what it feels like unless it is something that affects you. Similarly, I think their lack of empathy also prevents them from feeling the true, genuine heartbreak and loss that we feel when we have to drop the rope. I sometimes wonder, if they only knew what this felt like on the OTHER SIDE of it...But much like we don't know, they don't know either.
This is a big step for you this week, and I am sure it will be full of up and down emotions, so keep posting -- I have been following your threads and can relate to the feelings you have at this time.
What gives me comfort is when I am able to rationalize first of all, there was nothing I could have done to change it. So, that path for me as far as what I could have done (and what you could have done) to change your exA, to convince him to "see the light", was just not possible. This gives me a bit of comfort when I know that this wasn't my fault at all (despite all the times you were probably told that it was).
It sounds like put in as much time, effort, and love as you could before you had to get to this point where it's time to sell the house and give up the good fight. I agree with you, if there was any part of him inside that was ready to give up drinking, go into recovery, and work on himself, this would have been the time to do it. It says an amazing amount about the allure of alcohol that it can cause someone to lose so much. The other point folks around here keep reminding me that helps me understand is that I will never know what it feels like for the exA. We will never understand what their minds are telling them to do or the relationship they have with alcohol. It is apparently impossible to ever know what it feels like unless it is something that affects you. Similarly, I think their lack of empathy also prevents them from feeling the true, genuine heartbreak and loss that we feel when we have to drop the rope. I sometimes wonder, if they only knew what this felt like on the OTHER SIDE of it...But much like we don't know, they don't know either.
This is a big step for you this week, and I am sure it will be full of up and down emotions, so keep posting -- I have been following your threads and can relate to the feelings you have at this time.
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Already have a showing tonight. The place is chaotic and isn't close to being cleaned out but the quicker we can sell the better.
I just sneezed and the sound echoed off the walls and broke my heart. Even though there is stuff in here it feels empty. It hurts. It's hard enough when a dream doesn't manifest but to see actual proof of it in the form of a slowly emptying house it's so hard. I had so many hopes and dreams and I have to let them go now. I hope whoever looks at this place tonight fills it with theirs and has the same excitement I had four years ago.
I just sneezed and the sound echoed off the walls and broke my heart. Even though there is stuff in here it feels empty. It hurts. It's hard enough when a dream doesn't manifest but to see actual proof of it in the form of a slowly emptying house it's so hard. I had so many hopes and dreams and I have to let them go now. I hope whoever looks at this place tonight fills it with theirs and has the same excitement I had four years ago.
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but if something is causing problems in your life why would you not stop if you could?
how long did it take you?
just saying.....
remember, always remember, he does not HAVE to do one damn thing....he can drink til he's 102 if he chooses. his life can be chaos if he chooses. his choices can be crappy, if those are the choices he chooses to make.
and we NEVER know that things will REALLY be better if THEY just stop.....in many cases, things get worse.
even if i wanted to today, i could not put my house on the market. it would take thousands of dollars in upgrades we haven't got to yet, or new stuff that has cropped up that we haven't completed. we bought the house "AS IS" almost nine years ago, knowing there was stuff to fix, hell just last nite i coughed up $700 to the plumber to get three sinks fixed and install a new toilet in the master bath that actually flushes in under 30 minutes.....plus we are still a bit underwater on our mortgage, so we'd take it in the shorts if we didn't do the upgrades first.
so count your blessings........that neither of you are fighting to STAY and force the other to buy them out....that you CAN have your home on the market.....and that there is even talk of a cash offer after a mere four years. i don't think you quite get how fortunate you truly are in all of this..........
how long did it take you?
just saying.....
remember, always remember, he does not HAVE to do one damn thing....he can drink til he's 102 if he chooses. his life can be chaos if he chooses. his choices can be crappy, if those are the choices he chooses to make.
and we NEVER know that things will REALLY be better if THEY just stop.....in many cases, things get worse.
even if i wanted to today, i could not put my house on the market. it would take thousands of dollars in upgrades we haven't got to yet, or new stuff that has cropped up that we haven't completed. we bought the house "AS IS" almost nine years ago, knowing there was stuff to fix, hell just last nite i coughed up $700 to the plumber to get three sinks fixed and install a new toilet in the master bath that actually flushes in under 30 minutes.....plus we are still a bit underwater on our mortgage, so we'd take it in the shorts if we didn't do the upgrades first.
so count your blessings........that neither of you are fighting to STAY and force the other to buy them out....that you CAN have your home on the market.....and that there is even talk of a cash offer after a mere four years. i don't think you quite get how fortunate you truly are in all of this..........
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Expanding, hugs. I know that echo sound feeling. I know that physical feeling, the sound or the picture or the empty corner where something used to be and is no longer and how that can pull so hard on your heart strings. We are emotional people, who feel, who dream, who hope -- I have tough moments with the physical stuff as well. It gets a little easier but it can also creep up on you as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I am going to need to make the same decision and move on at some point to escape the ghosts, but since the place is mine I'm going to stick it out.
The house is symbolic and that really brings emotions to the surface but I know that before this day you were ready to be off the roller coaster. This is just one of those horrible stomach-churning hills on the ride.
As Anvil says, there is a lot of good at play, in that you are not fighting and working together to move on, and have a home that you agree on the way of handling, a good gift to one another to show you can still work together on some things, even if they are sad things. Many dream to own a home at all and never do -- I know it is hard to let go of such a tangible place of memories but you can do it again, and you are going to make some wonderful memories in your new place wherever that may be!
Sometimes I wonder if I am going to need to make the same decision and move on at some point to escape the ghosts, but since the place is mine I'm going to stick it out.
The house is symbolic and that really brings emotions to the surface but I know that before this day you were ready to be off the roller coaster. This is just one of those horrible stomach-churning hills on the ride.
As Anvil says, there is a lot of good at play, in that you are not fighting and working together to move on, and have a home that you agree on the way of handling, a good gift to one another to show you can still work together on some things, even if they are sad things. Many dream to own a home at all and never do -- I know it is hard to let go of such a tangible place of memories but you can do it again, and you are going to make some wonderful memories in your new place wherever that may be!
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I get what you're saying
None of this was on accident. I researched home buying for two years before we bought that place so when I saw a good deal we jumped. The owner needed to leave ASAP and we got into a bidding war. While we ended up paying more than asking it was still a good deal.
I don't think I'm lucky that I grew up with an alcoholic mom and fell in love with someone with a drinking problem and am now selling a home with an ex I thought I had a future with because we aren't together anymore. I think I'm reaping the fruits of hard work (we saved for a couple years) and research. We did not want to go "house broke" and purposely purchased a home that was move in ready and was less than what we were paying in rent.
I'm sorry that you cannot move but me being able to sell doesn't make what I am going through any easier.
None of this was on accident. I researched home buying for two years before we bought that place so when I saw a good deal we jumped. The owner needed to leave ASAP and we got into a bidding war. While we ended up paying more than asking it was still a good deal.
I don't think I'm lucky that I grew up with an alcoholic mom and fell in love with someone with a drinking problem and am now selling a home with an ex I thought I had a future with because we aren't together anymore. I think I'm reaping the fruits of hard work (we saved for a couple years) and research. We did not want to go "house broke" and purposely purchased a home that was move in ready and was less than what we were paying in rent.
I'm sorry that you cannot move but me being able to sell doesn't make what I am going through any easier.
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(((Expanding))) I understand. You could get all the money in the world or even double the money you paid for your home and it would not do anything to lessen the hurt you feel of the loss of someone that you love and dreamed of a future of.
The loss and the hurt is not something you can will away, or buy away -- You are among wonderful people here and I hope you keep posting for support. At times like this, I have found expressing my feelings and getting the unconditional support here is priceless.
The loss and the hurt is not something you can will away, or buy away -- You are among wonderful people here and I hope you keep posting for support. At times like this, I have found expressing my feelings and getting the unconditional support here is priceless.
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i wasn't comparing out about who made the better real estate choice. my point was, even in our darkest times, we CAN find some gratitude, and that can help us from pitching over into the abyss of despair. finding those small shafts of light in the darkness can help us lighten our load, one brick at a time.
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