More "Blah" Days in Early Recovery...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Okay, 10 dollars it is. Deal. 
Lexie, happy birthday.
I haven't gone one a date in 10 years so I'm really not sure. When I went on my first date with my ex she was 25 and I was 33 so I just assumed going out drinking was what we did. Admittedly, I drank with her a lot over the years -- just never to her level and I noticed the gap growing as the years went on. That was the real alcoholism wake up call, when my drinking was getting doubled by someone half my size.
I know I have years left, just feels a little hopeless now. I am looking for normal and I'm not us for the party girl anymore. Was I 10 years ago? Maybe. We met in a dating site and it got serious fast, even though I knew up front drinking was a big part of what we did. Just my youth and inexperience not allowing me to see the signs early on. Then, as years went on, promise after promise, I kept dreaming about a "normal" which never came.
I at least know what I want now. I'm realistic enough to know it's rather rare and as such the worry of being alone. But people do it all the time, every day. They learn how to live a life alone. It's not my hope but it's also a rational possibility given that I'm not expecting to jump into anything. And if I do put myself out there, she's going to have to be something really special I'm thinking for me to put myself through it again. I've got a lot of wounds to lick from the damage done over these last 10 years.
Lexie, happy birthday.
I haven't gone one a date in 10 years so I'm really not sure. When I went on my first date with my ex she was 25 and I was 33 so I just assumed going out drinking was what we did. Admittedly, I drank with her a lot over the years -- just never to her level and I noticed the gap growing as the years went on. That was the real alcoholism wake up call, when my drinking was getting doubled by someone half my size.
I know I have years left, just feels a little hopeless now. I am looking for normal and I'm not us for the party girl anymore. Was I 10 years ago? Maybe. We met in a dating site and it got serious fast, even though I knew up front drinking was a big part of what we did. Just my youth and inexperience not allowing me to see the signs early on. Then, as years went on, promise after promise, I kept dreaming about a "normal" which never came.
I at least know what I want now. I'm realistic enough to know it's rather rare and as such the worry of being alone. But people do it all the time, every day. They learn how to live a life alone. It's not my hope but it's also a rational possibility given that I'm not expecting to jump into anything. And if I do put myself out there, she's going to have to be something really special I'm thinking for me to put myself through it again. I've got a lot of wounds to lick from the damage done over these last 10 years.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Wells
I 100 percent agree with redatlanta. There are plenty of girls out there who don't want kids , don't have kids and find a normal boring life a very desirable thing. I have 2 good girlfriends myself who don't have kids , don't want kids and would love to meet a good looking , self aware guy who has a good job. One of these girls is 35 and is in school for physical therapy ( she bartends right now ) rarely drinks... and is beautiful... she doesn't have kids and is ok not having kids another friend of mine is beautiful as well, is 32 and HR manager and is okay not having kids ( on the fence) and who has no kids... I myself am a 34 year old who owns her own business, rarely drinks and has no kids, on the fence if I want them and most men find me pretty attractive... I am pointing this out not to set you up with a friend lol but to let you know from a female perspective what you described you are is what a lot of my educated, ambitious, kind and pretty friends are infact looking for... hope this helps..sending you hugs
I 100 percent agree with redatlanta. There are plenty of girls out there who don't want kids , don't have kids and find a normal boring life a very desirable thing. I have 2 good girlfriends myself who don't have kids , don't want kids and would love to meet a good looking , self aware guy who has a good job. One of these girls is 35 and is in school for physical therapy ( she bartends right now ) rarely drinks... and is beautiful... she doesn't have kids and is ok not having kids another friend of mine is beautiful as well, is 32 and HR manager and is okay not having kids ( on the fence) and who has no kids... I myself am a 34 year old who owns her own business, rarely drinks and has no kids, on the fence if I want them and most men find me pretty attractive... I am pointing this out not to set you up with a friend lol but to let you know from a female perspective what you described you are is what a lot of my educated, ambitious, kind and pretty friends are infact looking for... hope this helps..sending you hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I have many girlfriends and clients that don't have kids,and don't want them. I have many girlfriends that aren't married and could careless if they EVER get married (but have long term relationships). I know many women who prefer to mother a dog or cat.
Statistically the rates of marriage and children are going down. The rates of women in the work force, especially female business owners, are going up.
So when the time comes, I think you will be pleasantly surprised to find things have changed in the last 10 years. If you are going to date a <30 then its higher likelihood you will run into the kid issue. There are also many women in the 40 age range that had kids in their 20's that are out of the house. The recession IMO changed the dynamics of traditional gender roles - many women became the bread winner, many women expanded their education or skills and found that working was just as satisfying as having children.
So unless you live in small-town, America where the pickings are slim....you shouldn't have a problem.
Statistically the rates of marriage and children are going down. The rates of women in the work force, especially female business owners, are going up.
So when the time comes, I think you will be pleasantly surprised to find things have changed in the last 10 years. If you are going to date a <30 then its higher likelihood you will run into the kid issue. There are also many women in the 40 age range that had kids in their 20's that are out of the house. The recession IMO changed the dynamics of traditional gender roles - many women became the bread winner, many women expanded their education or skills and found that working was just as satisfying as having children.
So unless you live in small-town, America where the pickings are slim....you shouldn't have a problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Kaya and Red,
Thank you for the lovely posts and sentiment. Reading things like that gives me hope. At some point I know I will be ready. I have made mistakes in the past (in fact, the last time we broke up) of immediately wanting to date as many people as I could. The dates were disastrous for the most part because I just was not in the right mindset, I wasn't ready.
I don't live in a big city, so it's not as big of a pond to take a swim in, but I also know that of the billions of people out in the world, there are others who would be a wonderful partner to share life with. If I'm ready and it's not happening naturally, I can always look into technology down the road if I feel like nothing is happening. But for now I know I need time for myself to continue to grieve the loss and the feelings that flood in over why she chose alcohol over me when she knew it was one or the other.
I appreciate your words of hope, very encouraging and thank you very much! It does help me look at the future in a much more optimistic way.
Thank you for the lovely posts and sentiment. Reading things like that gives me hope. At some point I know I will be ready. I have made mistakes in the past (in fact, the last time we broke up) of immediately wanting to date as many people as I could. The dates were disastrous for the most part because I just was not in the right mindset, I wasn't ready.
I don't live in a big city, so it's not as big of a pond to take a swim in, but I also know that of the billions of people out in the world, there are others who would be a wonderful partner to share life with. If I'm ready and it's not happening naturally, I can always look into technology down the road if I feel like nothing is happening. But for now I know I need time for myself to continue to grieve the loss and the feelings that flood in over why she chose alcohol over me when she knew it was one or the other.
I appreciate your words of hope, very encouraging and thank you very much! It does help me look at the future in a much more optimistic way.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I'm 52 with a 6 year old, wondering how it's going to be to find someone who likes THAT combination when the time comes. I was 40 when I married, she was 26, and at the time I had no aspirations to have a child. Though now I know he was a true blessing for me.
You will find someone who is healthy and with whom you can have a normal, healthy, addiction-free, and loving relationship.
40 is young, you whipper-snapper!!
COD
You will find someone who is healthy and with whom you can have a normal, healthy, addiction-free, and loving relationship.
40 is young, you whipper-snapper!!
COD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
I caught wind of some amazing talk on codependency in another thread today. Incredible really the commonalities and traits that codependents like myself share. I never realized how bad I had it. I am like a textbook case to the max!
If my ex was an addict somewhere on the spectrum, she sure hit the jackpot with me. It's actually been somewhat eye-opening when I realize how much my codependency kicks in, thinking that if the pull of alcohol for her rivals the pull of my codependency, I can understand a bit more on why giving up drinking is so hard for so many.
This rewiring of myself is going to take time so I am trying to just show myself some compassion. She texted today to ask my preference of a day to come get the rest of her things out (last bunch of stuff, there's little left). It will be the last reason to come over. And it still made me sad. Sad because it's her walking out that door that she won't walk back through. Sad because the text didn't say "I want to quit drinking because I don't want to lose this, give me a chance!" Sad that I wanted the text to say that even because I know it's not what I'm supposed to want. Smart enough to know that the contact is a killer, because it leads you back to those empty feelings all over again.
I know it is not all roses for the addicts though I continue to read so many stories in F&F of folks whose SO's have moved on to new partners so quickly, continuing the party, getting to start over, the excitement of new love, of being able to continue and even foster their addition with the support of new love -- It feels unfair sometimes that they seem to have all the fun and the upside, while those of us who stayed behind and "did the right thing" deal with so much pain, and wait patiently to better ourselves before we get the joy of that love back in our lives. Meanwhile, they had it before they even fully processed the loss. It all seems somewhat unfair to the ex-spouses and ex-BFs/GFs who said enough was enough -- For us to feel so much emptiness while their party continues.
I will get to the point where I work through all this -- I am just astounded at the amount of characteristics I share as a codependent. The characteristics of allowing bad behavior to continue and waiting too long to set boundaries. The characteristic of being terrified to be alone and therefore settling for less due to that fear. We were the Jack and Jill of codependency and addiction! I guess a lot of us were.
Realizing this is a necessary step I think, now I just need the time to rationalize why I feel this way, why I put up with it for so long, how I let it in, and why I am wired the way I am wired. I don't ever want to feel this way again for the rest of my life!
If my ex was an addict somewhere on the spectrum, she sure hit the jackpot with me. It's actually been somewhat eye-opening when I realize how much my codependency kicks in, thinking that if the pull of alcohol for her rivals the pull of my codependency, I can understand a bit more on why giving up drinking is so hard for so many.
This rewiring of myself is going to take time so I am trying to just show myself some compassion. She texted today to ask my preference of a day to come get the rest of her things out (last bunch of stuff, there's little left). It will be the last reason to come over. And it still made me sad. Sad because it's her walking out that door that she won't walk back through. Sad because the text didn't say "I want to quit drinking because I don't want to lose this, give me a chance!" Sad that I wanted the text to say that even because I know it's not what I'm supposed to want. Smart enough to know that the contact is a killer, because it leads you back to those empty feelings all over again.
I know it is not all roses for the addicts though I continue to read so many stories in F&F of folks whose SO's have moved on to new partners so quickly, continuing the party, getting to start over, the excitement of new love, of being able to continue and even foster their addition with the support of new love -- It feels unfair sometimes that they seem to have all the fun and the upside, while those of us who stayed behind and "did the right thing" deal with so much pain, and wait patiently to better ourselves before we get the joy of that love back in our lives. Meanwhile, they had it before they even fully processed the loss. It all seems somewhat unfair to the ex-spouses and ex-BFs/GFs who said enough was enough -- For us to feel so much emptiness while their party continues.
I will get to the point where I work through all this -- I am just astounded at the amount of characteristics I share as a codependent. The characteristics of allowing bad behavior to continue and waiting too long to set boundaries. The characteristic of being terrified to be alone and therefore settling for less due to that fear. We were the Jack and Jill of codependency and addiction! I guess a lot of us were.
Realizing this is a necessary step I think, now I just need the time to rationalize why I feel this way, why I put up with it for so long, how I let it in, and why I am wired the way I am wired. I don't ever want to feel this way again for the rest of my life!
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