Day one and I am already feeling a little better
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Day one and I am already feeling a little better
Hi Guys,
So last night I ended things yet again with my exAB and I am actually doing much better then I did the first 2 breakups. Things don't feel as dramatic... I am not going through my apartment riding it of any little last thing he left behind. I saw one of his shirts in the dirty clothes hamper and it didn't really phase me. I went to an alanon meeting today, spoke to my sponsor twice on the phone. Had very little contact with exAB and felt detached even in the texting part (which was very little) I think because I was so devastated by our first 2 breakups that this one somehow feels expected or just not as jarring...anyone else experience this. I also really like my sponsor and my Sunday evening alanon group is becoming somewhat of a family (it is all women) and I have gone almost every Sunday for 2 months...so maybe I also am just more prepared this time around
So last night I ended things yet again with my exAB and I am actually doing much better then I did the first 2 breakups. Things don't feel as dramatic... I am not going through my apartment riding it of any little last thing he left behind. I saw one of his shirts in the dirty clothes hamper and it didn't really phase me. I went to an alanon meeting today, spoke to my sponsor twice on the phone. Had very little contact with exAB and felt detached even in the texting part (which was very little) I think because I was so devastated by our first 2 breakups that this one somehow feels expected or just not as jarring...anyone else experience this. I also really like my sponsor and my Sunday evening alanon group is becoming somewhat of a family (it is all women) and I have gone almost every Sunday for 2 months...so maybe I also am just more prepared this time around
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333 
Hi Guys,So last night I ended things yet again with my exAB and I am actually doing much better then I did the first 2 breakups.
Glad you're feeling a bit better today.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya.....LOL...here I am....singing my usual song (on this subject)....
All the notes in my song are gleaned from personal or closely witnessed experience.....
TIME, Time, time...will be on your side....The longer the original trauma is
in your rearview mirror....the less it will hurt...and, the easier acceptance will become....
Not ERASED...but, gradually diminishing....
As I have said, before, the year mark seems to have some magical quality with this type of acute pain....it seems to pass some invisible cliff...where it seems more like history than present time pain......It is more like remembering having the pain....rather that actually experiencing it in real time....
viva la difference ....
I understand the desire to have all the pain gone NOW. since the pain of the breaking of pair bonding and abandonment fears is the most intense pain that a human can experience.....
Now, I know that I have spoken to you frequently about the grieving process....that it takes the time that it takes....no matter how hard you fight it...it still takes the time that it takes.....
Actually....I think there was a lot of symbolic value to the time that women wore all black for the first year of the grieving....it was a constant reminder that this was a special time...and, it kept them from rushing their expectations. I think it helped with acceptance....and, signaled to others that the grieving woman required special care.
Also, when others in the community saw another in the "black"...it reminded, them , also, that grief is a common human experience, at times, in life...and, that we are not as alone as we might think....
If my memory serves me, I believe that I have suggested that you pray for patience....you can't pray for history to reverse itself...but, we can all pray for more grace to face what life throws at us....
dandylion
All the notes in my song are gleaned from personal or closely witnessed experience.....
TIME, Time, time...will be on your side....The longer the original trauma is
in your rearview mirror....the less it will hurt...and, the easier acceptance will become....
Not ERASED...but, gradually diminishing....
As I have said, before, the year mark seems to have some magical quality with this type of acute pain....it seems to pass some invisible cliff...where it seems more like history than present time pain......It is more like remembering having the pain....rather that actually experiencing it in real time....
viva la difference ....
I understand the desire to have all the pain gone NOW. since the pain of the breaking of pair bonding and abandonment fears is the most intense pain that a human can experience.....
Now, I know that I have spoken to you frequently about the grieving process....that it takes the time that it takes....no matter how hard you fight it...it still takes the time that it takes.....
Actually....I think there was a lot of symbolic value to the time that women wore all black for the first year of the grieving....it was a constant reminder that this was a special time...and, it kept them from rushing their expectations. I think it helped with acceptance....and, signaled to others that the grieving woman required special care.
Also, when others in the community saw another in the "black"...it reminded, them , also, that grief is a common human experience, at times, in life...and, that we are not as alone as we might think....
If my memory serves me, I believe that I have suggested that you pray for patience....you can't pray for history to reverse itself...but, we can all pray for more grace to face what life throws at us....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sometimes our subconscious brains are working way ahead of our conscious brains in doing the grieving. When I finally left my ex, I was scared to death but mostly I felt liberated.
No contact really is important, though. As long as you're texting, you're still in a relationship, even a dying one.
No contact really is important, though. As long as you're texting, you're still in a relationship, even a dying one.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Like all things with this relationship my experience has been the roller coaster. I feel great some days, and other days, the old feelings come flooding back in like a train and I can't get them out. You never know what each day will bring, but advice here has always been great.
Any activity that you do that seems to focus on YOU always seems to be the winning formula to get through the tougher times.
I am about a month in and I know I have a LONG way to go.
I can relate to your thoughts about it being easier this time though. There are only so many chances that each of us have in us to give. I remember thinking several years ago, when my ex and I broke up over similar circumstances, and got back together months later, that lessons had been learned and we would NEVER get to that point again. When we reconciled, it was all about getting that instant "fix" to make the pain stop but we addressed essentially zero of the issues that got us there in the first place.
Kaya, I think you have gotten to the stage I was at this time as well. I'd given her so many chances, just like you've given him, and the behavior and patterns are not changing (in some ways worsening) and even though we may still cling to the hope of a turnaround with every fiber in our being, the actions that they continue to take are showing us where their intentions lie.
I know it can mess with your head, after all they have had a peek at the "other side" and express desires to come back, and we often cave to those desires for our own personal reasons, only to have those chances squandered away again and again. It defies logic -- you gave him another chance, why would he squander it away so easily? Yet, it seems to be a common trait so at least we know we are not alone in this unique kind of discomfort.
Hope you will keep posting, I think this is such a tough a critical time to reach out for support. I am missing my ex lately and I can totally relate to why you gave it another chance too.
Any activity that you do that seems to focus on YOU always seems to be the winning formula to get through the tougher times.
I am about a month in and I know I have a LONG way to go.
I can relate to your thoughts about it being easier this time though. There are only so many chances that each of us have in us to give. I remember thinking several years ago, when my ex and I broke up over similar circumstances, and got back together months later, that lessons had been learned and we would NEVER get to that point again. When we reconciled, it was all about getting that instant "fix" to make the pain stop but we addressed essentially zero of the issues that got us there in the first place.
Kaya, I think you have gotten to the stage I was at this time as well. I'd given her so many chances, just like you've given him, and the behavior and patterns are not changing (in some ways worsening) and even though we may still cling to the hope of a turnaround with every fiber in our being, the actions that they continue to take are showing us where their intentions lie.
I know it can mess with your head, after all they have had a peek at the "other side" and express desires to come back, and we often cave to those desires for our own personal reasons, only to have those chances squandered away again and again. It defies logic -- you gave him another chance, why would he squander it away so easily? Yet, it seems to be a common trait so at least we know we are not alone in this unique kind of discomfort.
Hope you will keep posting, I think this is such a tough a critical time to reach out for support. I am missing my ex lately and I can totally relate to why you gave it another chance too.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I just left my abf as well. Well.... We're in limbo anyhow. Crazy how I came here looking for relatable threads, and I find this! I am going to piggy back all of the great comments here; I need them to sink in.
Unfortunately for me, I am not where you are at. This is probably the 3rd time I've separated from him. For me, I can't seem to make a big enough list of negatives to outweigh the good. When he lashes out, I just see his pain. But I am well aware of the fact that my presence isn't making him better... It is just making ME worse.
Unfortunately for me, I am not where you are at. This is probably the 3rd time I've separated from him. For me, I can't seem to make a big enough list of negatives to outweigh the good. When he lashes out, I just see his pain. But I am well aware of the fact that my presence isn't making him better... It is just making ME worse.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by LemonGirl
. But I am well aware of the fact that my presence isn't making him better... It is just making ME worse.
Prayers, hugs and warm fuzzies to all of you in that excruciating pain of leaving someone you love!
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.....''But I am well aware of the fact that my presence isn't making him better... It is just making ME worse"
I really like this too. Thank you everyone ...I had therapy today and worked out with a girlfriend.
I really like this too. Thank you everyone ...I had therapy today and worked out with a girlfriend.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hang tough LK!! You are doing the tough work of changing yourself, your reality and consequentially the world in a tiny significant way.
This will never make the headlines but this doesn't change the reality of the significance of what you are doing!
This will never make the headlines but this doesn't change the reality of the significance of what you are doing!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hang tough LK!! You are doing the tough work of changing yourself, your reality and consequentially the world in a tiny significant way.
This will never make the headlines but this doesn't change the reality of the significance of what you are doing!
This will never make the headlines but this doesn't change the reality of the significance of what you are doing!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Don't ASSUME you will "float back into desperation." Desperation is a pretty strong word. I think you can safely assume you will have days when you feel down, when you feel angry, when you feel lonely. None of those necessarily equals desperation.
Tell yourself that you CAN handle those uncomfortable feelings. And you can--and each time you get through one of those bouts of feeling crappy, you will feel stronger and more confident that you can survive this--and come out better than ever.
Hugs!
Tell yourself that you CAN handle those uncomfortable feelings. And you can--and each time you get through one of those bouts of feeling crappy, you will feel stronger and more confident that you can survive this--and come out better than ever.
Hugs!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Don't ASSUME you will "float back into desperation." Desperation is a pretty strong word. I think you can safely assume you will have days when you feel down, when you feel angry, when you feel lonely. None of those necessarily equals desperation.
Tell yourself that you CAN handle those uncomfortable feelings. And you can--and each time you get through one of those bouts of feeling crappy, you will feel stronger and more confident that you can survive this--and come out better than ever.
Hugs!
Tell yourself that you CAN handle those uncomfortable feelings. And you can--and each time you get through one of those bouts of feeling crappy, you will feel stronger and more confident that you can survive this--and come out better than ever.
Hugs!
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