FutureTrip

Oh my god, get me to a therapist! I need help creating boundaries and getting myself moving forward.

I've filed divorce, hes moved out, we've set the custody and spousal support (for him, ehem) and I'm taking a break from the last bit as I have 5 months before it's finalized.

In the meantime he's here almost every night to do the bedtime routine with our daughter which I am fine with because it's the right thing for her. We are amicable, friendly and good towards each other.

He claims he's been sober since the day I came home from a trip and found the remnants of his bender weekend and filed for divorce. He's going to meetings. He's getting support elsewhere. Do I believe he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since I came home? No, but I also always let the uncertainty hang there....like that's what he says...who knows if it's true!

While I have filed for divorce and am fairly certain that it's going to continue, I have let a teeny tiny bit of space in my mind to allow for his recovery. And he's sure that he'll prove his commitment to sobriety and we will eventually be a family again.

A couple weeks ago I found weed in his bag...by accident, I didn't rifle through for no reason. I ask him about it and he tells me that it's old, he had just put it in there that day to get rid of it and give it to his friend, that he can't smoke it because he gets random testing at his weekly outpatient meeting. Do I believe him? Not really, but I let it hang there...like how do I know of he's lying or not? Have I checked a couple times since then to see if it's still there? Yup and yes it is.

Yesterday he tells me that his sponsor urged him to come clean to his outpatient meeting about the fact that he had never stopped drinking since leaving rehab and he did and he's now no longer allowed to continue attending. 1. This is news to me as he told me that he'd been honest with them and they knew about his relapses. 2. This happened three weeks ago and he is just now telling me. 3. I had an "aha moment" and realized that's why he has weed, it's because he's not getting tested anymore! Oooooh. When I say this to him, he says "I gave that to my friend! I don't have it!" When I tell him I know it's in his bag he goes silent. And then apologizes for lying. And says he's going through the most stressful period of his life. Ha! As if I'm not. And this stressful period is learning how to not self medicate. You don't deal with it by self medicating!

Anyway, sorry for the long story. It was just another gut punch to me. The lies. The d*mn lies. Gets me every time. He just puts up this image he wants me to see, while doing whatever he wants. I've begged him to just lay his cards on the table, be honest and I can deal with the facts, let the walls down and let me know what I'm dealing with. He's been my partner for 13 years and he still can't just let me in. He'll be in my life no matter what because of my daughter, let me know what's going on. But no.

And this is where I am stuck. I know I'm doing things all wrong, I need to be focusing on me and not on what he is and isn't doing, but it's so hard for me to be lied to while never knowing if it's really lies. How will i know whether or not he's ever really in true recovery? I guess that teeny tiny bit that thinks maybe we'll come out of this ok is controlling me more than I thought. It needs to die so that I can move on and not care of he's telling me the truth about his recovery or not. It's just so hard with having a 2 year old together. I want to believe him and yet everytime he proves me stupid.

I'm need help to get my head on straight.

Praying

For me, it was only when I shifted to assuming that everything WAS a lie, and it wasn't my job to prove or disprove...that I was truly free. And I could only do that by setting "us" dreams aside and focusing on me.

Why do you care?

I mean REALLY. Not "because of my kid", etc....

If I was divorcing him, I was releasing all of that. I had to. If he stopped drinking and became recovering, I would SEE it. Over the long haul. And the conversation could maybe change then, after a year. Or two. Or longer.

Trust me, when an A recovers, you see and feel it without having to look for it.

Hugs to you tonight.

hopeful4

He's not in recovery. As soon as he is not being tested, he runs to weed. That's not recovery. And, people who are in recovery don't lie about it.

My X was like this a lot. I had to come to a place that it did not matter to me if he is lying or not. I had to just assume he likely was/is lying. He recovery is his own, or not. All that should matter is how he is around your child. The rest is up to him to get his life together, or not. Best thing you can do is back off and focus on you and your own recovery from all of this. The bed time routine sounds really nice, but in the end, I would say the stress of him being there every day is going to be more than you can handle in the long run, or it sure would be for me.

The best way to get over a hardship is to step away from it. You have a child together, so you cannot step away all together, I get that (I have kids with my X as well). However, you can step away from anything that does not involve your child.

Hugs. I know it's hard.

pndm07

Hi FT - I've read your previous posts and your situation is similar to mine in many ways. I'm divorcing too but the legal split is very different than the emotional split. Like you, I am keeping things friendly with AH. And when there's a child it is really impossible to go no contact.
I really like Praying's advice - in fact need to take it myself. I was living on pins and needles all these years hoping and praying he'd stay sober, and he can go long stretches of sobriety, so I got comfortable. When he last relapsed (and drank for over a month) it was the last straw for me. I knew I would always love him in some capacity, but I knew that I can never rely on him or his sobriety, ever. It is very, very hard. I am not anywhere near the point where I have released myself from the fear that he will drink again. I hope that it won't take years and years. I think for our own self protection we have to assume the worst case scenario. I don't assume that Ah will never drink again, and living with that really sucks. I view it like living in a house on a fault line; the earthquake may or may not happen.
I used to get into arguments with him about sobriety - not agreeing with things he was saying, trying to impose my thoughts on him. Now when he talks about his meetings, his feelings, etc. I just go "uh huh, yes, very good." It's totally his business now. I think it is harder when we remain in contact and I am totally with you there - no good way around it when there's a child. It just takes some extra discipline. Much support your way!

dandylion

FutureTrip....I think that the hope that you keep hanging onto is what is keeping you in chains. That is where your torture is coming from......

Learn more about alcoholism....because you are expecting more from him than he is capable of doing. he is not in real recovery and there is no way he can make a promise to you----because he can't even keep a promise to himself. If he does get into real recovery (not just sober)...it would take about 2years of intense program work...like AA meetings (lots) and a sponsor and actually working on the 12 steps.....before you could put any kind of trust in him....and, then....relapse is always a possibility.....for the rest of his life.....

Thinking about your own and your child's welfare...I would say to go ahead with the divorce. It is turns out that he is capable of co-parenting with you--good. If he can be friends with you...good. If you want an occasional horizontal tango...that is o.k., too.....
(If it isn't...that is o.k.)...

Living in limbo is a form of purgatory....

dandylion

FutureTrip

Ha! Occasional horizontal tango! Well, can't say that hasn't happened since this all began.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Yes, all that matters is how he is with our daughter. I need to let the rest go. He's not even trying to convince me of his sobriety, it's only when I question him on things that the lies come out. So why do I keep asking?? I don't believe him, but it's so hard for me to not believe him. I'm either looking for proof I've made the right decision or proof that he's being honest for once. And everytime I get the answer I'm making the right decision yet I keep going back for more proof.

This weekend I felt the weight of how much I need to really start focusing on me getting better and moving forward. He's doing his form of "recovery" (ha) and I've protected me and my daughter so now it's time for me to start recovering (and not his ******** type).

dandylion

FutureTrip...I hear you. As time goes on, it should become easier to accept the inevitable......

dandylion

AnvilheadII

i have to wonder.....is it NECESSARY that he be there almost every night to tuck your DD in? if you two are separated and about to divorce, then she needs to begin to have some different routines. if daddy is not living there, then daddy won't be tucking her in every night. any more than you will run over to HIS house to tuck her in when she's over there.

who is that really for? is that part of you holding on?

you are right....he puts up the front he WANTS you to see. and honey, NOBODY finds OLD pot and then holds on to it to GIVE TO A FRIEND. NO ONE. EV.ER. no addict "finds" drugs and then drags them around with them until they can "give" them away. that's one of the oldest lines in the book............

he is NOT being truthful and based on your history, probably never will be. he's going to keep working on you, guaranteed.....he has FIVE months, so expect the full court press.

LexieCat

I agree, and I think the bedtime routine is something you should rethink. When she is older she might find the whole thing rather "fake"--which it is. Daddy lives at daddy's house, mommy lives at mommy's house. Whoever she is staying with does the tucking. He can call her every night to say, "Sweet dreams, I love you," but to have him over every night keeps her (and you) confused, it seems to me.

FutureTrip

Ha! Yeah, I know. I KNOW! It's insanity on both our parts.

FutureTrip

As far as the nightly bedtime routine, it works for now, but it's not a forever solution. There isn't a "daddy's house" because he's renting a room in some weird house situation, it's temporary but most likely he'll be renting a room somewhere else after this. He's not allowed to drive her, so no pick ups or drop offs at daycare, no unsupervised visits so he can't just pick her up and take her somewhere, she's at daycare from 8:30am-6:00pm so without the bedtime routine she wouldn't see him all week.

I travel for work, at least 1-2 week long trips every 3 months. I have 2 coming up in Sept, gone for a week, home for a week and gone for a week again. Because he is not allowed to watch her on his own, I'm taking her to my sister's house in another state for the first week, home for a week and then his mother is staying at my house to watch her the next week.

All that is saying that there is a lot of confusion for her little 2 year brain. So I think it's best for her to know Mama and Dada are always there for her, even if one isn't around at the time. That she's safe and secure in her own home. If she didn't see him during the week I think the transitions when I'm traveling or the weekends when he sees her and then is all the sudden gone for days on end would be harder. She's too young to understand divorce and it will all even out eventually but for now it's best for her to have both of us around her as much as we can be so she knows she's ok and taken care of.

Now weekends are another story. I definitely need some structure and boundaries around that time. I'm working on it.