LifeRecovery

Good Morning!

Life is treating me fairly well. I am many years out from the problem drinking relationship that got me here and feel overall confident in my recovery that continues to step along, one day at a time.

For a number of years I struggled with something called Temporal Mandibular Jaw (TMJ). When stressed I would clench my jaw so tight that it would give me jaw/tooth and ear aches and knock me out for days at a time. One of the benefits of recovery (mainly therapy and body work with this challenge) has been that I have not had a flair up in 6-7+ years. What recovery taught me was that I typically had flair ups when I was NOT SAYING something that was important to me to say.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I started to have a minor flair up. It took me a number of days to realize what was going on because it has been so long. As I sat with my therapist she reminded me of my pattern of NOT SAYING and this creating jaw tension. As we talked I shared a challenge at work with a boss (the challenge itself is not important) and I immediately felt my jaw loosen and the TMJ dissipate.

I was SHOCKED that it was about this topic because I had been very upfront, straightforward and talking about this with the people that needed to know.

As the weeks have progressed I realized that though I was talking about this topic to the right people there was a new deeper hook regarding it that I had not realized.

What I was asking for was not getting done. It directly affects my job that it was not being done. I was taking it personally. Though I have been asking for it for almost two months it still has not been accomplished. This TMJ flair up was not about speaking up, it was about my speaking up not getting the outcome I was hoping for....and taking on another person's stuff. This is a VERY OLD pattern for me. As this has percolated through for me I know what I need to do in this situation. I will say things one more time to the person I am being challenge with on Monday and officially escalate the concern if it is not completed by Monday (and tell her this). My bigger bosses know the problem. I have a paper trail etc. I am at peace with that and it is not the situation I need feedback on. I want to do this for my own recovery and asked for this chance with the higher ups to wait to intercede on Monday so I could have this conversation by myself first.

What I am really asking for is this. What are some rituals, behaviors and skills that have helped you to work on not just speaking your truth but letting the outcome go? What has helped you to "Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean," but not hold onto another person's behavior around receiving it?

Any shares regarding challenges, feedback and your own experience would of course be appreciated. I am not in crisis about this, but having TMJ regularly was miserable and I want to work on this next level to prevent something like this from happening again.

Thanks so much!

NYCDoglvr

Sounds like you have a lot of self-awareness in this area. I keep reminding myself I'm powerless over people, places and things and that I can't control outcomes. Try to keep the focus on me, my words and actions and not on other people.

tomsteve

along with this, i add that im responsable for what i say, but powerless over what is heard and done.

and to have inner peace have to accept people,places, and things the way they are.


And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.
When I am disturbed,
It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation --
Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me,
And I can find no serenity until I accept
That person, place, thing, or situation
As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
Unless I accept life completely on life's terms,
I cannot be happy.
I need to concentrate not so much
On what needs to be changed in the world
As on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

Thought to Consider . . .

Acceptance is not submission;
It is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation,
Then deciding what you're going to do about it.

LifeRecovery

Thanks to you both.

I feel like I was able to accept this once I knew what I was experiencing and what was going on (yeah).

Reading your posts made me think of something else. How do you accept it when you are not sure what the challenge is (besides accepting you are in it)?

Thanks