Advice for wife homecoming
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Join Date: Jul 2016
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Advice for wife homecoming
My wife is coming home from inpatient detox/recovery center.
Im nervous
Any suggestions?
This was her 1st trip and was only able to do part of the program-21 days total
She says she doesnt ever want to drink
She did some awful things which is what i would consider rock bottom resulting her going to rehab
Im nervous
Any suggestions?
This was her 1st trip and was only able to do part of the program-21 days total
She says she doesnt ever want to drink
She did some awful things which is what i would consider rock bottom resulting her going to rehab
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Sadly, Mxdad, what YOU would consider HER rock bottom is irrelevant.
Try to keep your expectations low, be honest with yourself about how you're feeling, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Try to keep your expectations low, be honest with yourself about how you're feeling, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
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Originally Posted by endlesspatience 
Why didn't she complete the programme? How long was it supposed to last?
It was a 30 day program and shes going to get 21 days
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Right, I'm familiar with your story.
All I am saying, many times, when an alcoholic has had some distance from the things they've done that they are ashamed of, their Addictive Voice is able to find an opening and convince them it wasn't that bad, maybe they don't have to quit drinking completely, it was someone's else's fault, etc.
Whether it was actually her rock bottom or not, I still think keeping your expectations low and your eyes open to see what her actions tell you, rather than her words, is a wise strategy.
All I am saying, many times, when an alcoholic has had some distance from the things they've done that they are ashamed of, their Addictive Voice is able to find an opening and convince them it wasn't that bad, maybe they don't have to quit drinking completely, it was someone's else's fault, etc.
Whether it was actually her rock bottom or not, I still think keeping your expectations low and your eyes open to see what her actions tell you, rather than her words, is a wise strategy.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
why was she only able to do PART of the program?
and wasn't it two random guys?
do you WANT her home? are you ready for that?
and wasn't it two random guys?
do you WANT her home? are you ready for that?
With in the same 5 day drinking binge)
I do want her home but i want her well
I have made peace in my heart-i know she didnt intentionally set out to do that.
These guys took advantage of her alcoholism and it disgusts me thinking about it
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Right, I'm familiar with your story.
All I am saying, many times, when an alcoholic has had some distance from the things they've done that they are ashamed of, their Addictive Voice is able to find an opening and convince them it wasn't that bad, maybe they don't have to quit drinking completely, it was someone's else's fault, etc.
Whether it was actually her rock bottom or not, I still think keeping your expectations low and your eyes open to see what her actions tell you, rather than her words, is a wise strategy.
All I am saying, many times, when an alcoholic has had some distance from the things they've done that they are ashamed of, their Addictive Voice is able to find an opening and convince them it wasn't that bad, maybe they don't have to quit drinking completely, it was someone's else's fault, etc.
Whether it was actually her rock bottom or not, I still think keeping your expectations low and your eyes open to see what her actions tell you, rather than her words, is a wise strategy.
Hopefully her job will keep her busy and help keep her mind off of drinking
I will continue to pray-it has got me this far
She has already found an AA group and an outpatient recovery center as well-so i take that as a show of faith (i will know for sure if she goes)
She also understands that i had spoke to a lawyer and was leaving with my daughter (whom she adores) if she starts drinking again (that was an utimatum but not intended as such)
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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which is what i would consider rock bottom
IN fact, you might contemplate if YOU have a rock bottom. How bad do things have to get before you run? IMO, THIS is much more pertinent information to your future.
I've never had to deal with a partner coming home from rehab, but I see over and over in here that you should just take care of you. Get to meetings, get yourself in counseling, focus on you and your wants and needs for your life without consideration of her in it. I'm not saying neglect her - I'm saying maybe put your relationship building on hold, and figure out what makes you happy when you are by yourself, and indulge in them...often. Hopefully she will do the same for herself. Self care is important and you deserve it, and so does she.
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Originally Posted by firebolt
Well, I would let go of that. You never know what someone else's bottom is...or if they even have one.
IN fact, you might contemplate if YOU have a rock bottom. How bad do things have to get before you run? IMO, THIS is much more pertinent information to your future.
I've never had to deal with a partner coming home from rehab, but I see over and over in here that you should just take care of you. Get to meetings, get yourself in counseling, focus on you and your wants and needs for your life without consideration of her in it. I'm not saying neglect her - I'm saying maybe put your relationship building on hold, and figure out what makes you happy when you are by yourself, and indulge in them...often. Hopefully she will do the same for herself. Self care is important and you deserve it, and so does she.
IN fact, you might contemplate if YOU have a rock bottom. How bad do things have to get before you run? IMO, THIS is much more pertinent information to your future.
I've never had to deal with a partner coming home from rehab, but I see over and over in here that you should just take care of you. Get to meetings, get yourself in counseling, focus on you and your wants and needs for your life without consideration of her in it. I'm not saying neglect her - I'm saying maybe put your relationship building on hold, and figure out what makes you happy when you are by yourself, and indulge in them...often. Hopefully she will do the same for herself. Self care is important and you deserve it, and so does she.
I do plenty of stuff between MX and fishing myself in addition to my meetings that i know i enjoy as well as hanging out with my kids (3 of them)
I enjoy being a family man (because my childhood was so dysfunctional it is what i really enjoy
But i am going to conseling, al anon and a mens group at my church
I really enjoy the mens group and al anon-conselling TBD
As far as running-as soon as she starts drinking again Im out
I will not go through the hell of last montb again
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I would say there is nothing much for you to do except stay on your own side of the street so to speak. Let her do her own thing, give her a little space. It's good she has something to look forward to.
As we always say, more will be revealed. Until then, just remember to not obsess and to take good care of you!
As we always say, more will be revealed. Until then, just remember to not obsess and to take good care of you!
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
I would say there is nothing much for you to do except stay on your own side of the street so to speak. Let her do her own thing, give her a little space. It's good she has something to look forward to.
As we always say, more will be revealed. Until then, just remember to not obsess and to take good care of you!
As we always say, more will be revealed. Until then, just remember to not obsess and to take good care of you!
I know i will be fine in the end and i hope she will be there too and if all else fails i have my kids and me
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Originally Posted by Mxdad2003
These guys took advantage of her alcoholism and it disgusts me thinking about it
In terms of her returning home, I'd personally try to be observant of her actions & double-up on my own recovery work/meetings/activities to give both of us some space.
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Mxdad....listening to your words....I get a feeling that the fact that she had the indiscretion is more upsetting to you than the actual drinking (alcoholism) itself.
Not that you are taking the alcoholism lightly.
In otherwords...that she is a woman who has sinned....and is marked by that sin.
Actually, I took a course in Family and Marriage, once....and, one of the things that I remember, from that course is that men are described as being less "plastic" than women are able to be about a sexual breach than women.
Actually, it was said that women are m ore upset about an emotional breach and men are more upset about a sexual one.
What I am trying to say to you is that I understand that this is a challenge for you to deal with and come to peace with...and, I think that it might be too much to expect you to come to peace with this. so soon. This is why I keep encouraging you to tread water on this aspect of the situation, right now...and deal with this resentment, and with
her shame and guilt--which she likely has a lot of), in the presence of a counselor ........
My suggestion for now? I would keep your boundary to the simple expression of "I won't be able to live with alcoholism and all that comes with it, any longer". Giving some more time for her to get her "sea legs" of living in sobriety and receive the benefits of AA and therapy of her own......
Literally, taking it one day at a time......
If you love her...try to love HER....
Alcoholics don't drink AT us...they drink because that is what alcoholics do..it is the crux of the disease. (yes, it does hurt the loved ones--but that is not why they drink. The drink to quiet their inner pain and to feel "normal"....
even though rehabs give a good kickstart to beginning recovery...multitudes of alcoholics get to recovery thru AA and the working the steps, etc. Actually, most rehabs structure their programs around this, anyway.....
I would say to continue alanon and your own counseling and .....give her space and...as the others, keep your expectations low......
Remembering,,,,that both of you need help with this.....
I am not trying to put thoughts into your head...but, I hope that this might be of help to you....
dandylion
Not that you are taking the alcoholism lightly.
In otherwords...that she is a woman who has sinned....and is marked by that sin.
Actually, I took a course in Family and Marriage, once....and, one of the things that I remember, from that course is that men are described as being less "plastic" than women are able to be about a sexual breach than women.
Actually, it was said that women are m ore upset about an emotional breach and men are more upset about a sexual one.
What I am trying to say to you is that I understand that this is a challenge for you to deal with and come to peace with...and, I think that it might be too much to expect you to come to peace with this. so soon. This is why I keep encouraging you to tread water on this aspect of the situation, right now...and deal with this resentment, and with
her shame and guilt--which she likely has a lot of), in the presence of a counselor ........
My suggestion for now? I would keep your boundary to the simple expression of "I won't be able to live with alcoholism and all that comes with it, any longer". Giving some more time for her to get her "sea legs" of living in sobriety and receive the benefits of AA and therapy of her own......
Literally, taking it one day at a time......
If you love her...try to love HER....
Alcoholics don't drink AT us...they drink because that is what alcoholics do..it is the crux of the disease. (yes, it does hurt the loved ones--but that is not why they drink. The drink to quiet their inner pain and to feel "normal"....
even though rehabs give a good kickstart to beginning recovery...multitudes of alcoholics get to recovery thru AA and the working the steps, etc. Actually, most rehabs structure their programs around this, anyway.....
I would say to continue alanon and your own counseling and .....give her space and...as the others, keep your expectations low......
Remembering,,,,that both of you need help with this.....
I am not trying to put thoughts into your head...but, I hope that this might be of help to you....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you joined us on the 29th of July....the "event" had occurred the prior Weds, so either the 27th or the 20th....today is the 4th of August....
that's TWO WEEKS. she was in treatment for what? 5 days?
she is FAR from well. her body has barely finished detox. her mind? eh. what you have is a very unstable, unsteady, UNKNOWN.
her actions in the first few days will tell you all you need to know.
that's TWO WEEKS. she was in treatment for what? 5 days?
she is FAR from well. her body has barely finished detox. her mind? eh. what you have is a very unstable, unsteady, UNKNOWN.
her actions in the first few days will tell you all you need to know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by dandylion
Mxdad....listening to your words....I get a feeling that the fact that she had the indiscretion is more upsetting to you than the actual drinking (alcoholism) itself.
Not that you are taking the alcoholism lightly.
In otherwords...that she is a woman who has sinned....and is marked by that sin.
Actually, I took a course in Family and Marriage, once....and, one of the things that I remember, from that course is that men are described as being less "plastic" than women are able to be about a sexual breach than women.
Actually, it was said that women are m ore upset about an emotional breach and men are more upset about a sexual one.
What I am trying to say to you is that I understand that this is a challenge for you to deal with and come to peace with...and, I think that it might be too much to expect you to come to peace with this. so soon. This is why I keep encouraging you to tread water on this aspect of the situation, right now...and deal with this resentment, and with
her shame and guilt--which she likely has a lot of), in the presence of a counselor ........
My suggestion for now? I would keep your boundary to the simple expression of "I won't be able to live with alcoholism and all that comes with it, any longer". Giving some more time for her to get her "sea legs" of living in sobriety and receive the benefits of AA and therapy of her own......
Literally, taking it one day at a time......
If you love her...try to love HER....
Alcoholics don't drink AT us...they drink because that is what alcoholics do..it is the crux of the disease. (yes, it does hurt the loved ones--but that is not why they drink. The drink to quiet their inner pain and to feel "normal"....
even though rehabs give a good kickstart to beginning recovery...multitudes of alcoholics get to recovery thru AA and the working the steps, etc. Actually, most rehabs structure their programs around this, anyway.....
I would say to continue alanon and your own counseling and .....give her space and...as the others, keep your expectations low......
Remembering,,,,that both of you need help with this.....
I am not trying to put thoughts into your head...but, I hope that this might be of help to you....
dandylion
Not that you are taking the alcoholism lightly.
In otherwords...that she is a woman who has sinned....and is marked by that sin.
Actually, I took a course in Family and Marriage, once....and, one of the things that I remember, from that course is that men are described as being less "plastic" than women are able to be about a sexual breach than women.
Actually, it was said that women are m ore upset about an emotional breach and men are more upset about a sexual one.
What I am trying to say to you is that I understand that this is a challenge for you to deal with and come to peace with...and, I think that it might be too much to expect you to come to peace with this. so soon. This is why I keep encouraging you to tread water on this aspect of the situation, right now...and deal with this resentment, and with
her shame and guilt--which she likely has a lot of), in the presence of a counselor ........
My suggestion for now? I would keep your boundary to the simple expression of "I won't be able to live with alcoholism and all that comes with it, any longer". Giving some more time for her to get her "sea legs" of living in sobriety and receive the benefits of AA and therapy of her own......
Literally, taking it one day at a time......
If you love her...try to love HER....
Alcoholics don't drink AT us...they drink because that is what alcoholics do..it is the crux of the disease. (yes, it does hurt the loved ones--but that is not why they drink. The drink to quiet their inner pain and to feel "normal"....
even though rehabs give a good kickstart to beginning recovery...multitudes of alcoholics get to recovery thru AA and the working the steps, etc. Actually, most rehabs structure their programs around this, anyway.....
I would say to continue alanon and your own counseling and .....give her space and...as the others, keep your expectations low......
Remembering,,,,that both of you need help with this.....
I am not trying to put thoughts into your head...but, I hope that this might be of help to you....
dandylion
I also realize that the most important this right now is remaining sane for my children.If i wsnt 25yrs in i would have already been gone-but my vow of "in sickness and in health" means something to me which is part of why i decided to stay.yes the sex part is probably what bothers me the most-but the alcoholism is a close second-it is what has been causing issues for much longer
In the end if it comes down to it,i will know in my heart,mind,and soul that i did everything humanly possible to save her and my marriage.part of my williness to forgive is so i will be able to walk away if needed in peace and no regret.
I realize its not my responsibility to save her-but historically speaking i was into alot of hard drugs when we 1st got married and struggled with addiction for 24yrs smoking pot and other various nasty stuff(i loved the whote stuff-but she was always my rock and kept me in check
I finally gave up weed last year because it really bothered her when she quit drinking for a few months but i didn't
But i will continue my conselling (which i really havent got the hang of just yet) as well as al anon (i really enjoy this meeting)
Part of my deal has always been i typically dont express emotion and bottle it up-so meetings and being here put me way out of my comfort zone-but looking back historically that has not served me well so i made a commitment to change that about me first
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you joined us on the 29th of July....the "event" had occurred the prior Weds, so either the 27th or the 20th....today is the 4th of August....
that's TWO WEEKS. she was in treatment for what? 5 days?
she is FAR from well. her body has barely finished detox. her mind? eh. what you have is a very unstable, unsteady, UNKNOWN.
her actions in the first few days will tell you all you need to know.
that's TWO WEEKS. she was in treatment for what? 5 days?
she is FAR from well. her body has barely finished detox. her mind? eh. what you have is a very unstable, unsteady, UNKNOWN.
her actions in the first few days will tell you all you need to know.
Im just trying to gather info and get my ducks in a row-i like to make educated decisions and have a plan
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