Txjeepguy

Mxdad I'm in your area as well.

Pm me if you are still looking for an attorney, I have a couple I can recommend

Mxdad2003

Yeah at the time i had her email and fb accounts but since i caught her she has locked me out
I have tried to text her to see what her plan was but shes not responding so i am giving up and will be meeting with a lawyer asap

Mxdad2003

Yeah at the time i had her email and fb accounts but since i caught her she has locked me out
I have tried to text her to see what her plan was but shes not responding so i am giving up and will be meeting with a lawyer asap

SoloMio

I like the analogy, and I'm going to offer another. I hope you don't mind, but this was from a book from a Christian perspective, specifically Benedictine spirituality. The book is Living with Contradiction by Esther de Waal:

"For we are shown the costliness of healing love when things have gone wrong and the good shepherd goes in search of the sheep. He begins gently with the oil of encouragement, but he may have to go on to the cauterizing iron, and finally it may be that he has to apply the knife of amputation. It is no good shrinking from this. For there is a very real danger that we may be tempted to protect the other person from themselves, not to face them with any sort of honesty about what they are doing both to themselves and other people."

and

"It is only too easy to become so busy and preoccupied in looking after others that I neglect myself and my own demands. Of course it is good to fee the hunger and care for the needy. But what if I should discover that the person most in need of food and alms is in fact myself?....

"And het I also know that time for me to re-create myself is amongst the urgent of all my needs."

Hope this helps.

firebolt

You didn't just try - you went far above and beyond what a person should have to do to keep a stable marriage, and you deserve combat pay for that. I hope when the dust settles, that you sleep well at night knowing that you tried your butt off for something that just turned out to not be meant for you.

For next steps - yes, a good lawyer that you feel comfy with and understands your needs. Document everything - the recent taking $ and any drunken incidents. Drinking and driving, rages, unacceptable things you have dealt with with her....especially with regards to the kid(s).

You are in for some BS....but you've been dealing with that for a while, so that's not new. Difference is that this round of it will actually lead you to a more peaceful life. (((HUGS))) Short term pain for long term gain.

Mxdad2003

Well she has moved out(staying at her parents).
I am going to chill for a while with my kids. We have talked and she said she still loved me and we agreed to not see other people.

I am going to use the time and continue to work on me.

The more I think about it-as much as I don't want space-I think I need it as well.
My constant trying to figure out WTH happened was too much too soon.
Plus my codependency issues only add fuel to the fire.
Quit trying to fix "US" for a while(as previously suggested)
I need her to concentrate on her sobriety and let God handle the relationship part. I realize I was being a emotional over the whole this-but I was/am really hurt over the whole situation but I am going to hang on to the tiny amount of hope I have left and let some time pass. We will either grow closer or further apart-but I want to be absolutely sure before doing anything drastic(file for divorce).
I would like to salvage the last 25 years of my life

I need to let her sort out her things and I will work on mine and we will see what God has in store
Plus maybe it will give our emotions time settle down-make the divorce a little less ugly and we can just divide it up friendly if it comes to that versus dealing with lawyers


I need to not post when angry-I re-track the towel throwing in-I thought I was ready to quit but maybe not quite yet but must say I feel like we are at least in round 15


Thank you guys for being here for support

CentralOhioDad

It's okay to post when angry - we've all done it, sometimes over and over and over again.

We understand.

LexieCat

Actually, no, you don't NEED her to concentrate on her sobriety. If you think about it that way, you've got the focus wrong. You NEED to have a decent, drama-free life. You NEED to take care of yourself. All of that can happen regardless of what she does/doesn't do regarding her recovery.

I'm glad you're planning on some time apart. Given recent events, though, I wouldn't put too much stock in her promises not to "date" other people (of course, maybe she considers sleeping with people not "dating").

Things will unfold, more will be revealed. For right now, take advantage of the peace and get busy working on your own recovery.

CentralOhioDad

(of course, maybe she considers sleeping with people not "dating").

That wasn't meant to be funny, but I laughed. Sorry

LexieCat

Hey, in my line of work, some statutes only apply to "dating partners" and we actually have debates about whether casual hookups qualify.

tomsteve

"I need her to concentrate on her sobriety and let God handle the relationship part."

quite an insane novel im reading, and this caught my attention.
if you need anyone to do anthing
youre going to continue to be miserable.
what happens when she stops concentrating on her sobriety, which,imo, reads like it wont be long before that happens?

ill rephrase that statement better FOR YOU:
i need to stop playing God and thinkin i know whats best for her when i myself am a mess and cant fix myself. i need to remove her and work on fixing me.

dandylion

Mxdad.....sounds like a good overall plan, to me.....

dandylion

Bekindalways

So sorry this isn't going smoother for you Mxdad.

I can sure understand not wanting to give up on a 25 year relationship. I'm a bit of a romantic in that I want everyone to ride off into the sunset forever. This notion wasn't quite put to rest by my qualifier.

May you both grow, learn and may many angels dive bomb your entire family!

Mxdad2003

Thanks everybody
She has moved out and im not texting/calling except to discuss the kids.
We both need space and i will let God take the lead.If its meant to continue it will-if not it wont.
I have come to terms with that and feel peaceful for the 1st time in years.I miss her,but it gets easier everyday.
Ive met some great friends at al anon and am going to church regularly.I would still love her to come home but know that I have no control over what she does.
I will just do what I do and grow from this.I'm not running to a lawyer but have decided if i meet someone I will persue it and not sit around and wait forever.My happiness is what is most important and for me that's being married to someone who loves me and wants to be with me and not a drinker.
So I guess I will wait and see what God has in store for me
I guess im a romantic as well,I never saw this coming

dandylion

Msdad....It sounds like your life has more stability than when you first came here.....I am glad that you sought out help.
I think you have made a lot of progress in a relatively short time.

Keep the faith.

dandylion

MIRecovery

The question I would want to know is what is her plan? If her plan on nothing but will power I believe things look grim

aliciagr

I think its a good idea to give it some space and time. I would also try not to be too hard on yourself over your behaviors. My therapist told me something yesterday about what I'm experiencing is all new for me. (I havent been down the relapse/ recovery road or even experienced the crazy behaviors addiction brings out) and so my reactions are based on this. Its ok if I over-focus for a while, spin things around in my mind, I s even ok if Im in denial on some things because what's important is that I'm working on figure ring it all out and I advocated for my own health by reaching out to her for help. We dont want to fall into patterns of chronic unhealthy or even dysfunctional patterns of behavior. But often we sort ourselves out. So take a breath and enjoy your kids. Hope for the best with your wife that she works on her issues. And I have to say, her kids do need her.to do this. And as a coparent I think you need her too also so she can fulfill her role as a mom. (And the role of wife would also be nice).

Bekindalways

I too wonder about her plan. However, I don't think it is any of our business. Keep to your side of the street; work on your issues.

I'm not too sure where you are headed in this whole thing but you do seem to be working hard and have quite the learning curve.

God bless you and your family.

Mxdad2003

Yes i wonder what her plan is as well.
But cant worry about her any more, i have done evrrything i could do to help her.

shes talking to that guy and he is telling her she doesnt have a problem (based on the conversation i had with him)
He is a drinker and a player-he is using her and she doesnt see it, she thinks they are just friends(which i told her was completely inappropriate)
As far as i know there is no AA or anything
She only tells me she doesnt know what she wants
So i will continue to pray and let God handle that side of the street

FeelingGreat

Mx, As tend to drift towards people who don't think they have a problem. You're coming between her and the bottle, and that's a threat for her right now.
Possibly rehab has triggered a crisis within her, and she may have to play it out for now.