sister blues...

Old 08-04-2016, 08:59 AM
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sister blues...

Hi everyone!! I used to post here a lot, but I had a baby in March and life has been too hectic since. I so rarely have two hands free! The baby is doing really well, so sweet and smiley now, when he's not tired and fussy. I had him at the age of 42. After spending most of my childbearing years dating addicts and emotionally unavailable men (ACOA!) , I decided to get pregnant with an anonymous donor. So glad I did. This little guy has opened my heart up to the world in ways I never thought possible. It's kind of like I feel this intense compassion for everyone who crosses my path? We'll see how long it lasts, ha, maybe just lack of sleep?

Anyway, I've been de-friended on FB again by my alcoholic, addict sister. I suspect that she also has some kind of personality disorder. Maybe borderline, or narcissistic? Or both?? For as long as I can remember, she turns on me in a flash. One minute all's well, and the next minute I'm the target of her animosity. She has de-friended me at least four times in the past five years. I guess the reason for this latest flare up as far as she's concerned was that I dared to tell her that I was sad that she hadn't rescheduled a visit that she had planned and then backed out on? She lives several states away and had been planning to visit me and the new baby, but then she and her son both had health issues and she canceled. I did understand about the health issues, but then she didn't seem to be making any plans to reschedule and got angry when I brought it up, but found time to take two trips to the beach and has not been working! She hasn't visited me in over ten years, though I've gone out to see her several times. I stopped going, though, a few years back when the last of our older relatives who lives in her area died. So I mentioned rescheduling and that it made me sad to see her pics of her beach trip and that I wished she'd come to see me instead, and she got crabby and didn't write me back, and now I'm defriended.

Anyway, who knows what's really going on with her or why she really has such a short fuse. She cleaned up her act from opiates a couple years ago, but I know she still drinks and God knows what else. Maybe she's back on pills. Apparently she is milking a workman's comp injury for all it's worth, claiming "neck pain." Sigh. It should be obvious to me, right? How could I even hope that she's still off the opiates? So what do I do with this anger I feel at always getting f*&(ed over by her? Do I try to tap into this new compassion I feel? Or is it just codependent to try to wish away the anger? It's not like she's been a very good sister to me like, ever. Maybe acceptance is the key? In any case, it helps to share here.

Hope you are all well and enjoying lots of serenity!!
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Old 08-04-2016, 09:33 AM
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Hello! It's good to hear from you, and to hear your wonderful baby is doing so well! Congratulations!

I would say acceptance is the key. There are various Cluster B personality disorders, and most of them have the person acting the same way. She sounds like a prime candidate.

You cannot control how a person acts, only how you react. You keep doing you, and being the wonderful momma I am sure you are!

Hugs!
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Old 08-04-2016, 10:02 AM
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Congrats on the baby!! What a wonderful decision you made for yourself.

I also think “acceptance” is the key to your serenity with the situation with your sister.

When we have to keep trying and trying and re-trying to have a relationship with someone who clearly is not trying at all, we need continued work on that old codependency!!!
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Old 08-04-2016, 10:22 AM
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So glad you checked in, I've wondered how life has been going with Baby! Congrats!

ITA agree with the points made about Acceptance - that'll help keep your expectations in check with reality/what she's truly capable of.
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Old 08-04-2016, 10:49 AM
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Thanks, everybody! Looking back now, I guess I kind of knew all along that somehow this visit wasn't going to happen. She made such a show out of wanting to be there for me after the baby was born and it meant a lot to me because our parents are both passed on, but I just felt suspicious all along. I spent a lot of time in therapy talking about how I felt like she was just setting me up for a fall! It was hard to even play along like I believed she would really come. Sometimes I think I'd be happier with no contact, but then I think ack, why bother, it would just be a lot of drama.

And thanks for the congrats on the baby! I've been thinking of you all! He is such a big, healthy boy, in the 93rd percentile for length!! And he was born with a very impressive mop of brown hair.
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Old 08-04-2016, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by jjj111 View Post
It's not like she's been a very good sister to me like, ever. Maybe acceptance is the key?
YES ^^^^^^ THIS. My alkie sister is a N and I went NO CONTACT with her 100% finally. It's been like 2-1/2 years so far, and I am a much happier person for it. She's just a manipulative, nasty person and has been this way since able to walk. You called her out on something and she turns into a visceral, cornered animal. That's what N's do. And they HAVE to retaliate in some way... hence the unfriending on FB. My guess is she never EVER intended to visit you in the first place. That she knew that was probably the "nice and polite" thing that people do, so she made it sound like she was. Then she didn't. She was hoping it all would just "blow over" with you. Then you called her out. Unless there's something in it for them (i.e. actually feeling real joy out of a visit and meeting your baby), you can forget it. N's need their "supply" and if it wasn't going to deliver one, to He** with you. Do yourself a favor... just accept that's WHO SHE IS. And for Goodness sakes, don't accept a 5th "friend request" from her when she gets over her hissy fit!
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Old 08-04-2016, 12:12 PM
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Ha, wow, somehow it never even occurred to me to not accept her friend request when she goes to re-friend me. I was sitting here contemplating how to own my power in this situation...
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Old 08-04-2016, 08:16 PM
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No advice, but just wanted to let you know your post resonated with me because I'm in a similar situation with my sister. The anger part - gosh I relate to that.

I didn't unfriend my sister by I unfollowed her and her boyfriend and that suits me just fine. I keep communication with her to a bare minimum and my parents fortunately no longer try to repair our relationship because they're at their wits' end as well.

What has helped me a lot is the knowledge that 1) my sister's behavior is not unique and 2) as a result, I can't take it personally. I know she isn't necessarily lashing out at me, but at what I represent.

Don't get me wrong. I get angry. I get VERY angry. The difference is now that I know that the anger isn't going to get me anywhere.
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Old 08-05-2016, 10:54 AM
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Thanks, puzzled, nice to know I'm not alone! It really does help when I can manage to not take it as a reflection on anything about me. This is what she does to everyone she gets close to--constant push/pull, love/hate. I used to get so lost in stewing about how I hadn't done anything wrong and/or how could I have done something differently. But she finds a way to hate me pretty much no matter what I do, unless I am willing to be a total doormat. Two or three de-friendings ago it was because I wasn't willing to sign over part of my third of my mother's estate to her!! She was convinced that my mother would have wanted me to. Anyway, it really isn't about me. I've just got to let her be her. Before all this with her wanting to visit we had very limited contact and I guess that's just how it's going to be going forward. Oh, and yes, unfollowing is a very smart move. Good for you!!
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