How did we not see it?
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
How did we not see it?
Some thoughts and theories, probably heavily influenced by my YouTube therapists lol
Something I couldn't wrap my head around was how after growing up with an alcoholic mother and an emotionally absent father... how I ended up with someone who behaved like both. When I was so miserable, scared and trapped while younger, why would I put myself through that again?
Things look a lot different when you are a child and your life depends on these people taking care of you. It sets your template for what relationships should be like and as you go along in life you meet someone whose template matches yours, a "match made in heaven" or "love at first sight".
Humans are incredible at adapting so as we age (I'm hesitant to say "grow up"), we bring our dysfunctional thinking and ways of relating to the world with us. If our parents drank we don't drink and think this will solve the problem. If our parents ignored us we smothered our partners and tried to control them. If our parents always yelled we kept everything inside because we didn't want to hurt or disappoint someone else. Enmeshment occurs because we are trauma bonded or have an anxious attachment style... it's almost like a child playing peekaboo. If you can't see your partner do they really exist? If you're not involved in every detail of their life does it really exist?
The slow subtle change from being children to adults leans us in that direction. A healthy person would not have dealt with what I dealt with and for as long as I did... no freaking way.
They would not try to rationalize with and get through to a person who is literally acting insane. A healthy person wouldn't act insane and try to continuously get through to an insane person (less a professional).
I wish someone would have said something to me about his drinking and the path I was heading down. I'm not sure if I would've listened and I'm wondering now if maybe people did try to tell me something but I just wasn't hearing it...
I'm seeing him more clearly than ever and it still fills me with a range of emotions like sadness, pity and anger. I haven't felt a positive emotion towards him in such a long time. I really have come a long way.
I think a big piece of accepting him for who he is has been accepting who I am. And once you accept who you are there's another piece where you need to forgive and have compassion for yourself. I make myself think, how would I treat or talk to a friend that is going through this? Chances are I would be a lot nicer and more forgiving towards them than to myself, and that is so backwards!
If we are going to heal we need to have compassion and forgiveness for ourselves first and foremost. If you are on a falling airplane you need to put your mask on before you can help anyone else. It's no different, it's still your LIFE
Something I couldn't wrap my head around was how after growing up with an alcoholic mother and an emotionally absent father... how I ended up with someone who behaved like both. When I was so miserable, scared and trapped while younger, why would I put myself through that again?
Things look a lot different when you are a child and your life depends on these people taking care of you. It sets your template for what relationships should be like and as you go along in life you meet someone whose template matches yours, a "match made in heaven" or "love at first sight".
Humans are incredible at adapting so as we age (I'm hesitant to say "grow up"), we bring our dysfunctional thinking and ways of relating to the world with us. If our parents drank we don't drink and think this will solve the problem. If our parents ignored us we smothered our partners and tried to control them. If our parents always yelled we kept everything inside because we didn't want to hurt or disappoint someone else. Enmeshment occurs because we are trauma bonded or have an anxious attachment style... it's almost like a child playing peekaboo. If you can't see your partner do they really exist? If you're not involved in every detail of their life does it really exist?
The slow subtle change from being children to adults leans us in that direction. A healthy person would not have dealt with what I dealt with and for as long as I did... no freaking way.
They would not try to rationalize with and get through to a person who is literally acting insane. A healthy person wouldn't act insane and try to continuously get through to an insane person (less a professional).
I wish someone would have said something to me about his drinking and the path I was heading down. I'm not sure if I would've listened and I'm wondering now if maybe people did try to tell me something but I just wasn't hearing it...
I'm seeing him more clearly than ever and it still fills me with a range of emotions like sadness, pity and anger. I haven't felt a positive emotion towards him in such a long time. I really have come a long way.
I think a big piece of accepting him for who he is has been accepting who I am. And once you accept who you are there's another piece where you need to forgive and have compassion for yourself. I make myself think, how would I treat or talk to a friend that is going through this? Chances are I would be a lot nicer and more forgiving towards them than to myself, and that is so backwards!
If we are going to heal we need to have compassion and forgiveness for ourselves first and foremost. If you are on a falling airplane you need to put your mask on before you can help anyone else. It's no different, it's still your LIFE
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