Feeling sad, scared of whats next
 

As I posted before have been waiting to hear if husband is approved to switch to a different rehab per his court deal. Guess the judge isnt handling it but he has been assigned a case worker or probation officer.

He called me at home. Said the request was approved but then went on a doom and gloom speech, and elaborated on how husbands actions have taken away part of his free will and he is going to ride him hard to meet each part of his arrangement meaning 6 months of guided treatment and the rest of the year on probation with drug test weekly. He said the dire tor of the rehab says to summarize - not making an effort with the program. And the case worker said he can go away to a different rehab but he is expecting him to spend the mandated treatment time working his butt off and he will be doing meetings, have a sponsor, and he can't force sober living but says report shows he was at his parents because there had been domestic violence (unreported by me but handled by his family) and he gave me a number to someone in the domestic violence unit and suggested I call, and also said I look into Alanon so I learn to stop protecting him. He said again, one mistake and he will break his deal and he is lucky basically not to be in jail and multiple charges of possession controlled substances, fraud, domestic violence. You get the idea. He was sincere but scared me to death. How will he manage all this? How will we ever survive these next 11 months? This is all going to suck.

Yes. It will suck. It's a consequence he has created. Back off and let HIM handle this.

I say this gently because I know it's hard to not fear the future. However, this is his last deal. He knows that, he is a grown adult. His actions got him to this place, now only his own actions can get him out of this place in his life, if that is what he chooses.

Basically, if he is serious about rehab, he will want to do all of those things anyways.

Hugs to you.

It's up to him to 'manage' and 'survive' - none of that is your responsibility.

I'm not sure why YOU should be scared. Whether he succeeds at what he needs to do is entirely in his hands. I think it would be best to KNOW if he's jerking you (and the system) around, or whether he is approaching this with the seriousness it deserves.

I can already see that you are going to be ready to blame the system (the judge, his probation officer, his treating professionals) for being "too hard" on him, when it's only by their good grace he's even got the opportunity he HAS. By rights, he SHOULD be serving a prison sentence.

So will he take advantage of the opportunity? Or will he just go through the motions and wind up in worse trouble next time? And what will THAT mean, for you? Will it be because he does something (else) awful to you?

If the probation officer is "doom and gloom" it's because your husband has not given anyone reason to think he's interested in changing.

How will he survive what? It sounds like he deserves for it to be much tougher than it is, and like he got a bargain!

How will you survive? I hope you will do that the case worker said and get to Alanon! I hope you will enjoy your peaceful home, take care of yourself, work on yourself, get to the roots of why you wouldn't report domestic violence, and yes, stop protecting him.

I'm sure this is hard for you. I'm sure you want him home - happy and healthy and being genuinely nice to you. THats the dream we all had / have when we got here - I totally understand!

If that's going to happen (and that is a BIG IF) then it will only happen by him doing what he needs to do to get healthy and make it right, while you simultaneously get healthy, stop enabling, and lay some boundaries. Alanon is a GREAT place to start for your part of it - and you have NO control over his part of it.

I don't hear doom & gloom, I hear honesty & truth from people qualified to make those assessments.

Yes, it's going to suck. But it will suck substantially less if you take yourself out of the equation & let him manage his own recovery, I promise.

It’s very scary and it’s very sad when we are faced with major life decisions where the outcome is never guaranteed.

Life with an addict is gloom and doom and it will always be like that – no guarantees. It goes way beyond 11 months, it goes on for life.

Rehab is not a cure, AA meetings are not a permanent fix. It’s never as simple as just stop drinking/drugging go to the best rehab then attend some meetings then everything is just wonderful, no, that’s not life with an addict.

And not labeling someone as an addict doesn’t make him not be one, no matter how much you wish to believe that. Protecting him from the consequences of HIS actions is not helping him, we continue to tell you that and now his probation officer is telling you the same thing.

He’s got a rough road ahead and only one that can be traveled by him. Currently he is not showing very positive response to wanting to actually stop drinking/drugging but rather is being “forced” into it by the courts.

In time, more will be revealed no matter which rehab he attends, no matter how much you buy into his BS eventually the truth will become visible. 11 1/2 months from now or the day after his probation ends is when that truth might rear it's ugly head.

How will he manage all this? How will we ever survive these next 11 months? This is all going to suck.

he'll either hike up his Big Boy Panties and deal with this OPPORTUNITY to get his life on track OR he'll be a punk about it, and end up doing his time in jail.

either way, YOU aren't the one going to rehab or jail.....so you get to keep living your life and your routine, and have a lot of time to really truly think this all thru. and hopefully get involved/stay involved in some support activities that will benefit YOU.

he should be humble and grateful for this chance. there are a lot of men in prison for lesser charges. and they were never given the option.

Thanks for your responses. Its going to be a hard year and I guess part of my being upset is that its not how I planned the next year going following our move and start of new adventure. This was not the adventure I wanted. I know no one ever does not only me.

I summarized ansld sent an email to the attorney also asking why this guy called me. The attorney said half of what he said is BS and not to flip out. He can't be forces to do specific actions like the case worker said, and he put me back in reality saying he was approved to go and will meet the date the rehab gave to start. That rehab will have the biggest say n what his follow up needs to be for the remainder of the 6 months of mandated treatment. And they said already they would work to transition him to a therapist and hopefully that will meet the requirement. He can leave the rehab on Friday and it will be about a week before he is scheduled to arrive at the other one, I found reasonable airfare too. Look at the bright side right. He may hate hate he new rehab once he gets there but he wants to go and talks a good talk about his goals once he gets there.

I am going to enjoy the peace and take care of me except in a few weeks I will go there for the family week but it should be good for me too.

I'm going to force myself to calm down and relax tonight. Gods working on it.

Maybe it was a courtesy call..?

Also...."The best laid plans of mice and men will often go astray".....(can't remember who said that)

dandylion

Is he going to be at home for a week before he goes to the next rehab?

Yes. He has no where else to go. I'm ok with bis being here and not scared of him unless he is using. He also has time now to talk to HR at work again and make sure everything is ok with his medical leave. Its good he can handle some stuff while home and a few things will help me also not knowing when he will be back for sure.

I dunno, sounds to me like the guy (probation officer, case worker, whatever--why wouldn't you find out WHO you're talking to before discussing details of your life with this guy?) wanted to let you know he's not going to be able to skate on this. And I hope you don't tell him that there's nothing to worry about, because there IS--for him. Not if he does the work, but if he's gaming the system, he ought to worry.

I think you know what my opinion is of letting him stay with you, so I won't waste your time. But PLEASE, if he does anything to scare you--at all--call the police. I'm dead serious. Your life and well-being are worth far more than his freedom at this point. He's getting his chance--one I don't think he deserves, but he's got it. It's for him to mess up. If he does, don't let him get away with it one more time.

i suggest you PREPARE yourself for the worst......he's IN rehab and HATING it, even a counselor said he's not doing the work, gets what he wanted to go to "better" rehab AND gets a week OFF in between.

that's a lot of time for an addict to have "one last blast" before treatment....its kind of a rule of sorts......and i really hope he doesn't listen to that voice. but that voice is saying....oh come ON man, one last blast, it will be ok, you'll keep it cool, you can party and maintain.....just a couple of days......just a little bit, a couple of lines, that ain't nothing, it will be FINE, trusssssst me.

The one last blast is how he ended up in this mess in the first place. He was only a day away from leaving for rehab before !

In my experience, domestic violence is more progressive than alcoholism and is its own entity.

Be careful!

With alcoholics (and with batterers), history tends to repeat itself, ad nauseam.

Its not the cocaine or alcohol that makes someone an addict, its the need to escape from a harsh reality. His reality right now is facing months of not being able to escape in the manner he's become accustomed to.

Yes, prepare for the worse and hope for best.

I think you have to be careful though. Ive talked to the DV advocates and a trained therapist, even have talked to individuals on a abuse forum similar to this and there is a different between being an abusive person and a person who commits an abusive act while high on cocaine. And without being graphic or discussing my specifics right now. Each situation needs to be looked at by a professional I think. Prior to this there has never been violence, disrespect, physical or emotional abuse. I'm working on it in therapy and hope this will be addressed in his rehab and in the family week where we do counseling together. I mean its serious for my safety and for his health and to determine our future . I want to reassure I'm taking it seriously but its a complex issue .

Okay, so even if the theory is correct and your husband is only abusive when under the influence...he's going to be in your home with you for a week with rehab coming up in one week. Last time he was looking at that scenario he used, drank, and he was abusive to you and to his parents.

I hope you have your boundaries clear in your mind and that you have an escape plan if you need it? Sometimes we can over-intellectualize ourselves into big trouble.